Читать книгу: «Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet»

New life

I suddenly realized that I was alive and opened my eyes. Something was beeping to my left. It meant I was back in intensive care. I was breathing easily, and the oxygen was slightly buzzing in my mask. I thought it meant something too, but I wasn’t sure what exactly. The mask suggested that I was dead. I knew I was going to die soon, I had known that for a long time, and… I didn’t care, I just wanted it to be quick because I was tired. I remembered that my name was Mariana. It was the name that my parents had given me… Tears came to my eyes, and I felt like crying.

There was some time left before the doctors arrived and learned everything from the monitors. Katya’s dad used to tell me that monitors can tell you about everything. When someone dies, everyone starts to fuss around, I remembered… But there were no doctors yet, so… I didn’t know what that meant. Could it be that I just died for a while? Then they were going to come now. If I died… Why did they bring me back? What for? I felt like crying again, so I went on remembering how it all had started.

I was about five years old when we noticed that I got bruises out of nowhere. Then, suddenly my fingers started hurting. They would bend backward and hurt for some reason. I was a little girl then and didn’t understand that it was better to hide that, so I complained to my mother. Mother got worried and took me to the doctor. He examined my arms, looked into my tear-filled eyes indifferently, and said that it couldn’t hurt like that and that I made it up to ask for something. Mum got very angry and brought me home, where she took off my… well… everything to hurt me with some kind of stick. I bled because my skin was very thin: you could see all the veins through it, especially on my chest. It hurt a lot, and of course, I screamed. But after the stick, it hurt less where it always used to hurt, for a brief period, of course, so I realized it was the right thing to do. If I had known how it would all end…

Before I went to school, I did everything to keep myself from crying out in pain. Later on, they started punishing me with a wide belt that didn’t make me bleed, but it also hurt a lot. On the other hand, it didn’t hurt so much to pee afterward. I’d always been small – even now I look eight years old, although I am thirteen, so I guess they didn’t hit me too often, just a little, so I wouldn’t make anything up. When I was eight, I even started to like being punished because it was easier to breathe after that. I no longer resisted and willingly came when they wanted to discipline me.

There was a girl called Katya in our class, her dad saved my life. I never understood why, though. Katya also had thin skin and bent fingers, but they believed her, and when I complained about my pain, they sent me to… a psychiatrist. Of course, now I know that it was a psychiatrist. But back then, I was excited about the doctor, and I told him everything, and he… He lied to me. The doctor said that I would get better and wrote in his papers that I imagined things and that I was to be treated with injections. The injections were very painful, even more painful than a belt. But after the injections, it was easier to breathe, and my fingers didn’t hurt so much, so I cheered up. Katya told her dad about me. He talked to my parents, and they got angry. So I didn’t go to school for a week because the belt broke something, I had a fever and… I don’t remember. I asked Katya to tell her dad not to talk to my parents because it hurt a lot. My friend cried. She asked me to show her the… result, so I did it. Why not? That’s when she started to cry. She’s lucky to have such a dad, and I’m…

Then, I was ten, and in the classroom I had… I’ll tell you in the right order. It was because of that test: I got an F because I couldn’t remember anything and I could hardly breathe. The classroom was stuffy, so I was short of breath as if I was being strangled. I was afraid to complain. The teacher said that I was lazy and that she would keep an eye on me. I didn’t understand what that meant because I tried to breathe better and couldn’t do that. Katya got worried as well and asked me to call her dad. The teacher was afraid to say no to her because Katya’s dad was very frightening for the school. Then the teacher came back, and I couldn’t breathe, and she slapped my face, I think, and told me not to fake it. The last thing I remember was seeing Katya’s dad. He understood I was dying and brought me back to life. Then there was the hospital.

The doctors at the hospital also saw that I was sick and did something that stopped the pain completely. I never came back home. When I found out that my parents… I… It’s hard for me to talk about it, honestly. It turned out that I wasn’t their own daughter, I was adopted, and they… They said they didn’t want to give their lives for… for someone like me. On that day, I died for the second time. My parents abandoned me and threw me out of the house like I was a kitten while I was in the hospital. And then there was an orphanage for such as… disabled. It was very sad there. They took care of us, but there was no Mum there.

That’s when I really wanted to die, but Katya and her dad managed to find me. Katya was in a wheelchair because she could no longer walk. I could. Walking was very painful, but I walked – anything but not a wheelchair because girls in wheelchairs were treated here like…

«Mariana, do you want to live with us?», Katya’s dad asked, and I cried, but for some reason, he wasn’t allowed to take me.

My friend cried too, but the angry women wouldn’t let them take me away anyway. It was because of some numbers. I had to stay in the orphanage where no one wanted me, although Katya and her father came to see me… I was told that Katya’s father didn’t have enough money for both of us. At that moment, I hated the mean women who counted the money and didn’t see me behind it or something else… Did they really think I felt better there, where no one wanted me?

There was a library at the orphanage, so I read books there. One of them really fascinated me. It wasn’t about a girl but a boy, and nobody wanted him just like me. That boy, Willy, lived in the orphanage, and they hated him there and didn’t like him. As for me, they just didn’t like me, but nobody cared. In the book, there was a nanny – an angry woman who liked to beat Willy. He didn’t like it, I don’t know why… I would have agreed to be beaten just to feel needed. Then, it turned out that Willy was chosen to be taken to the magic academy, where they taught everyone to heal. I suppose they could take me too – the academy was magical, wasn’t it? I thought I was wrong to think it was just a fairytale because Willy’s mum and dad got in someone’s way. They were killed for it, but the boy wasn’t killed for some reason.

There were a lot of stairs at the academy, and some ’fenke’ would throw Willy down the stairs – he must have wanted to kill him, but I didn’t understand who it was or why. I’m not very clever, really. They knew that at school too, that’s why they called me bad words and «cripple’, but I knew I was going to die anyway, so it didn’t matter. Sometimes I wanted to be Willy Schmidt or Ingrid Schiller from the book because they were friends and, most importantly, they weren’t in constant pain. Also, I wanted to see the Grasvangtal Academy, to learn what the Forest of Fairy Tales and Mount Rübetzal were all about. It must be very beautiful. This book became my favorite, although it was about Germany, where I’ve never been and never will. Because I will die. I was told so – every day could be my last, so I waited for it because I didn’t have the strength for anything else.

I was disappointed in everything… Yesterday, I think I died again. I don’t remember what happened yesterday, but it doesn’t matter. For too long, the only friends I had were books. And Katya, of course. I read book after book as if I was carried away to other worlds, but apparently, my time had come. I knew I was going to die…

Did Mariana have a chance to survive? She certainly had. If not for the depression, not for a very difficult course of the illness, not for the indifference… The girl died and went on her new journey, hoping that it would not be painful or at least that it would be warm there. Perhaps, whoever is judging us has decided that she deserves not only a new chance but also a new challenge.

 
* * *
 

A usual ward was entered by some unusual doctor. He wore not white but soft blue clothes, so it looked unusual. The doctor looked at the tools, adjusted something in the IV, and only then shone a torch in my eyes. He probably wanted to see whether I responded to the light. I squeezed my eyes shut, and he smiled and started talking with me. Later, I realized we were speaking German, but at the time, I was surprised at what he called me. Just like in the book!

«Frau¹ Schmidt, you gave everyone quite a scare». The doctor was looking at me attentively, so my mind was filled with all sorts of thoughts. «Do you understand me?»

«I understand,» I nodded, groaning softly. At the moment, my joints hurt, not my fingers, but it seemed like everything hurt. And… I had no idea what was going on with Frau Schmidt. I had no idea what her name was. «What is my name?»

«Your name is Gabriella,» the doctor sighed and suddenly caressed my head.

It felt so good that I reached out for his hand asking for more. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Everything was so strange…

«Do not fear your condition. Memory loss is possible after a near-death experience. The good news is that the scar will not be noticeable at all.»

Somehow, it seemed to me that those words had some hidden meaning, but of course, I understood it in my own way.

«Thank you, Doctor,» I thanked him because I wanted to be polite.

The news about the scar was really good. It meant that at least I wouldn’t be pointed at. I wondered if Willy Schmidt was my brother. He didn’t have a sister in the book. That’s probably why he didn’t: I died…

The doctor had gone away on business, and I kept thinking about what was ahead of me. I couldn’t believe I was healthy, and my hands and feet hinted at the same thing. And if at that orphanage (well, in the book it was an orphanage because the boy was an orphan there), I was treated the same way as in the book, it meant… It meant they would beat me, and I could make it to the academy! In German schools, they beat children. I knew that for sure, but I did not remember when, but our teacher often told us that she would love to… «So,» I thought, «At school, you can get something that makes you breathe easier too. And later, at the academy, too, I suppose?» Life didn’t seem so terrifying anymore because before, no one just wanted me, but now, at least, I was hated (well, if I was in the book), and that’s a feeling already.

I was lying there and thinking that perhaps Mariana had died. At last. But I couldn’t grasp why I was the one in pain again. I thought that it could be just hell. I’d gotten sick when I was Mariana and hurt my mommy and daddy, so I’d been punished for it, and now I was hurting again. And there’s a scary academy ahead. It’s magical, but it’s really scary because there are a lot of stairs. And stairs can give you pain. Maybe I would get killed there too. I mean, they wanted to in the book, but that boy, Willy, he wanted to live, and I… And I didn’t have to. I wondered how old I was and what I looked like. It couldn’t be Mariana, could it?

I didn’t expect anyone to come to me, but someone did. It was a woman: she was thin and wore a strange dress, like a uniform in war movies. I didn’t know her, but she reminded me of someone… Well, probably the lady from the book who liked to beat Willy. «She must be from an orphanage,» I thought because the woman’s face didn’t express anything.

The strange lady came closer, peered at me, and…

«You damned freak,» she said almost in a whisper. «When are you going to die?»

«Hello,» I answered and asked, «Excuse me, who are you?»

«You little shit!» the woman aimed a blow at me.

Then the door opened abruptly, and someone in doctor’s clothes prevented her from hitting me. Later, the police arrived, and more doctors asked me something, but something was buzzing in my ears and didn’t let me understand what was going on. I couldn’t hear anything and was looking at the people around me in confusion, but they didn’t understand that I couldn’t hear, and then the machine by the bed flashed, and the lights went off.

«Do you understand me?»

That doctor was standing right in front of me again. He was looking into my eyes as if trying to read something there, but I didn’t care.

«I understand,» I nodded, and the lights went out again.

The next time I woke up, they did something to me. It wasn’t scary, I only wondered why they were sticking a tube in… well, «there’. They also did something to my bottom, but it wasn’t painful. Then, the word «hospice’ came up, and I knew I was dying. I was upset because people die in hospices for a long time and suffer (I heard stories about this when I was Mariana), but I wanted to die quickly. But a man who looked like an angel (he even had a halo²) came and said there would be no hospice because he would take me away. I understood that the man was Death because it’s male in Germany. I was very happy and agreed – well, that he would take me. And the man who was Death told me that now everything would be fine and we would all live in a big house, bright and comfortable. I chuckled because I’d never heard anyone describe a grave to me like that before.

It must have been a month before they pulled a tube out of… – well, out of «there’ – and put me in a wheelchair, which, of course, made me cry. Some curly-haired boy, whom Mr. Death called «son’, appeared beside me. It turned out that Death had children too, so only I was alone and unwanted. That boy, who was Death’s son, caressed me and began to ask me not to fear because everything would be all right. Then he hugged me, and I prepared to die.

«What are you doing?» the boy asked me.

«Getting ready to die,» I answered honestly. «When they die, they piss and poop, I know, so I need to sit there like this so the women don’t get angry because they need to clean too much.»

«You’re not going to die,» the boy said as he looked around.

Immediately this man, who was Death, came up and took me in his arms. It was so gentle, so warm that I cried again because I couldn’t help myself.

«Why is she crying, Daddy?» the curly-haired boy, who reminded me of someone, asked.

«Because she had no one, son,» replied the man holding me in his arms. «Depression is the worst executioner of special children.»

They put me in a car and took me somewhere. Probably, to the cemetery to bury me there. Nobody wanted me, where else would they take me from the hospital? Either to an orphanage or to a cemetery…

Fiancé

We didn’t come to a cemetery but to a house. At the house, a woman met us, not like the one who came to the ward, but a very different one. She was kind. She said her name was Ms. Elsa, but I could call her… mother. I cried again because I got Mother, a real one, can you imagine? And the one I called Mr. Death turned out to be Dad. And the curly-haired boy’s name was Herman. I was definitely in a fairytale because that couldn’t have happened to me.

«Do you want us to adopt you?» my new dad asked me.

«Can I not be adopted?» I asked and explained immediately, «Well, not for real because I could pretend that Herman was my fiancé and I would have a future.»

Dad smiled, and the boy (he heard what I said too) seemed to be on the verge of tears.

«Do you need a fiancé for the future?» Mother smiled.

«Well, if there is a fiancé,» I shared my thoughts, «Then one day there will be a family… I know I’m going to die anyway, but just for fun, can I?»

My mother cried and allowed it, and Herman hugged me and told me how good I was. It got so warm, it was impossibly good. I had no words at all, only tears. I cried a lot that day, more than I think I had cried in my whole life.

At lunch, it turned out that I had little willpower, and the pain made the tears flow. Dad even scolded me a little.

«You mustn’t tolerate pain,» he said while caressing me. «If it hurts, you have to tell me.»

I was ready for Daddy to take the belt, but he caressed and scolded me so gently that I wanted to cry again.

«Aren’t you going to give me to a psychiatrist?» I asked because… well… «No psychiatrist, please.»

«Poor baby,» my mother hugged me. «What have you been through…»

«No one will give you to a psychiatrist.»

I noticed that those words made Herman look very pale. He must have been afraid of that liar too. Dad told me that he would help me stop the pain. And I believed it, of course. Then, Herman took the spoon from my trembling hands and began to feed me like a baby. I didn’t want to eat, but I had to be obedient…

«Let’s eat some more,» the boy told me. «Then, you can rest while I do my homework»

«Can I come too?» I asked him as piteously as I could, and my «fiancé» agreed.

Herman didn’t mind being a fiancé at all. I even asked him why, and he answered:

«You’re a miracle,» he said and caressed my head so tenderly that I squeezed my eyes shut in pleasure.

Oh, I forgot! It turned out that I was ten years old and almost a year away from the dreaded academy. And I didn’t look like Mariana in the mirror, not at all. So I definitely died and became a new person. Someone wrote about this in some books, I don’t remember the name. The academy was in the book, so I thought: if the surnames are the same, then I’m in the book, right?

Herman got down to his lessons, and I rolled closer: not to distract him, but to be busy with something. He put the history book in front of me and told me not to distract him. So I was reading the story without distracting him and imagining that if I had distracted him, he would have been very upset, and I didn’t want to upset my «fiancé», even if it was just for fun. Herman was doing his exercises and was upset because something was wrong. I looked in his notebook and almost immediately saw that he had mixed up the minus in the beginning with the plus. I used to make that mistake too, that’s why I noticed it. I was sitting and worrying about it, and Herman was worrying too, so I couldn’t resist it.

«Herman,» I called him softly and touched his sleeve. «May I disturb you, and later you can beat me up for it?»

«Oh…» The boy was angry at first, but then, when he heard what I was suggesting, he just hugged me and held me tight. «You little kitten.» It was so tender that I sobbed. «What’s wrong with my dear one?»

Herman was so much older than me, wise, so kind, and affectionate… I just couldn’t help crying.

«You’ve mixed up the minus with the plus here,» I pointed out cautiously and immediately squeezed my eyes shut in fear.

«Thank you, kitten,» the boy thanked me softly and stroked my eyes so that they opened. Somehow he wasn’t angry with me at all, even though I disturbed him.

Then, he quickly finished his homework and started asking me about history – well, about what I had read. Somewhere in the middle, I got scared for some reason, and Herman somehow sensed it and stopped asking me questions, although I expected him to scold me because I’d forgotten half of it. But my «fiancé» somehow figured it out, put the book down, hugged me, then put me to bed and wanted to leave, but I gave him such a pitiful look that he stayed.

 
* * *
 

At dinner, I couldn’t eat on my own again, so Herman fed me and Dad was frowning for some reason. I got a little scared. If it hadn’t been for the nappy, I probably would have peed myself, but Dad had thought of everything, and I just… well… Daddy said that a lot of people pee after a ca-the-ter and it’s no big deal, the nappy was just to make me feel comfortable and prevent me from crying. It was so weird that someone would care about me. Dad also said that he would think of some ways to help me, and I was a little afraid.

When I was Mariana, I was usually punished in the evenings, so this evening, without a reminder, I rolled to Dad and climbed to his lap with my belly so that he could punish me because I was guilty of many things.

Dad didn’t even understand what I was doing. He was silent and only held me with his hands to keep me from falling.

«What are you doing, little girl?» Mother asked.

«Well, I’ve done something wrong today,» I explained, trying to catch my breath. «So I need to be punished»

As I looked around, I saw Herman’s big eyes. He was very surprised but I didn’t understand why.

«What did you do wrong?» Mum asked, showing something to Daddy.

He lifted me and laid me on his lap. I raised my skirt myself but I couldn’t move my panties, I mean, my nappy.

«Well, I distracted Herman, then I couldn’t eat on my own, and then…» I started speaking more and more quietly because I was getting scared again. «Also, I failed to answer some questions…»

«Herman?» Mother called out.

«Rie helped me with an exercise. And the fact that she didn’t remember everything from the history book… No one expected her to,» the ’fiancé» explained.

From the beginning, he immediately started calling me «Rie’ instead of «Gabriella’, and I didn’t mind because it sounded very gentle. I couldn’t see what Herman was doing now.

«Daughter, do you want to be punished?» Dad finally spoke up and caressed my back. «Or do you just think you’ll be punished anyway?»

«Being punished makes me breathe easier and I’m not so scared,» I admitted. Well, what if he chased me away?

«Are you afraid of pain?»

Dad, of course, felt that I was shrinking, so he also patted me on the head.

«That someone will chase me away,» I answered quietly.

It was a pity I couldn’t see their faces in my position.

Then, my dad put me back in the chair. He got up and went away, then came back with a stethoscope (this is a tool with two tubes that helps to listen to your chest).

«No one will ever chase you away,» Mother said sternly. «You are our daughter forever, remember?»

«Yes,» I nodded, which made my eyes dim. «So what about the punishment?»

«You haven’t deserved it yet,» Dad murmured thoughtfully, listening to something. «I think it’s a restriction³, but why?»

«It depends on the anamnesis⁴,» Mother said unclearly.

She got up, came to me, squatted down, and hugged me. I felt so warm that I relaxed completely.

«Do you know where you lived?»

«I don’t know exactly, but I think it was a pantry,» I answered what I had read in books when I was Mariana.

Mother’s eyes got larger, and Herman started to look like an owl. He stared at me without even blinking, and then he hugged me promising that no one would ever touch me again.

Dad went somewhere and came back with a big blue cylinder. It turned out to be medical oxygen. They put a mask on my face, and my breathing immediately became very easy, and Dad just sighed. Also, they put some kind of a… peg on my finger⁵. It glowed red, and my dad looked at the little screen and stroked his head. Then, Mum was talking to me for a long time, asking me why I thought I was going to die. So I told her everything I knew. Then they washed me and put me to bed with my mask, peg, and device. It was a bit sad to part with Herman, but I hoped to wake up tomorrow.

While I was asleep, I was having some completely magical dreams and, for the first time, I didn’t want to die. I saw adult Herman putting a ring on my finger and calling me his dear one. It’s a pity it was only a dream…

Price

Elsa sat next to Gerhardt, telling him what she had learned from Gabriella. Herman honestly eavesdropped. First of all, he was curious. Then, the girl who called him «fiancé» touched some strings in his soul, which made him want to understand the situation. Herman didn’t know any other way to get information, so he lurked behind the sofa listening to his parents’ conversation – something he had never done before.

«Ehlers-Danlos syndrome ⁶ ,» the man repeated after his wife thoughtfully. «And a high-intensity pain syndrome, because she did everything despite the pain. We have to figure out how to relieve it.»

«The easiest solution is to ask your colleagues,» his wife smiled.

Elsa saw both Gabriella’s pain and the «delay’ ⁷ in her age which indicated a very difficult life of the child, but she had faith in her husband. The former sadistic caretakers were already being dealt with by the police and psychiatrists. The police also visited the girl’s school and found numerous irregularities there.

At that point, Herman couldn’t take it anymore.

«Daddy, when Rie nods, she has syncope ⁸ ,» the boy shared his observations.

«Yes, we should have a look at the neck,» Gerhardt nodded and gave his son a sign to approach. «How do you feel about becoming a ’fiancé»?»

«She really needs this, Dad,» Herman replied seriously. «And it’s impossible not to love Gabriella. Let her call me her husband as long as she lives.»

There was so much tenderness in this phrase that Elsa looked intently at her son and smiled again.

«Then, I’ll study some literature and ask my colleagues,» Dr. Stiller decided. «Until we figure out how to relieve Gabriella’s condition, we’ll treat her like a five-year-old – with the greatest tenderness and care. Also, we will have to decide about the oxygen… In the morning, we will take the girl to the hospital and look for it.»

«The important thing is that she doesn’t think about betrayal,» the woman said quietly. «She already thinks she won’t live for long…»

 
* * *
 

I woke up in the hospital again. How did I know that? By the smell and the squeaking next to me. I thought that I must be dead again… I wondered if I was still Frau Schmidt or if my name was different now. When I opened my eyes, I saw Herman. He was sitting next to me and caressing my head. So, the Stillers hadn’t been taken away from me. It made me feel some warmth. My «fiancé» noticed that my eyes were open, leaned over, and kissed them as much as he could with his mask on.

«You gave us a scare today, kitten,» Herman said. He did it very affectionately, by the way. «I’ll get Daddy now, and then we’ll go home, eh?»

«Yes,» I whispered, catching his hand. «Can I… have you by my side?»

Maybe he didn’t want to stay, and I was forcing him to? But I needed it so much – there were no words to describe it!

«Of course, I’ll be there for you because you’re my fiancée.»

He said this word as if it were real, not fake. It made me want to cry again.

«I love you,» I told him.

The «fiancé» just smiled and replied that everything would be fine. I believed him because it was Herman.

A little later, they sucked the blood out of me, and then they fed me and started taking me for X-rays and putting me into such a big ring that was loud and scary. Strangely, it felt like I had become very small. I hoped it would pass, although I didn’t want it to. Dad brought a special collar, put it around my neck, and told me not to take it off or it would be very bad. But I decided to be obedient, didn’t I? So I told Daddy I was obedient, even though I couldn’t nod now. But it was easier to breathe, even when the mask was removed to feed me. Herman fed me because I was his kitten, he said so himself. It was so warm to be someone else’s…

After that, we drove home. Herman said we would sleep together now because we were the bride and groom, but I figured out why. If the caretakers hit hard, there might be nightmares at night, and waking up in the hospital every day would be bad for anyone. And I didn’t want Mum and Dad to get bored… And I didn’t want Herman to get bored… Because I probably wouldn’t be able to make it without him. How little time had passed, and he’d already become dearer to me than anything else. Why was it like that? I didn’t know…

«Well, kitten, let me help you.»

My fiancé was probably not pretending anymore, even if he didn’t choose me, but I would just believe it because you have to believe in something – he’s very affectionate, and I’m not shy of him, there’s nothing to be shy of…

«You’re wonderful,» I told him, and he kissed my tummy because Herman was putting my nappy on. We were on our way home. «Aren’t you disgusted at all?»

«And whoever talks nonsense will have a pain in the bottom,» my fiancé smiled at me.

«I agree,» I smiled because I really would agree with anything if it was him. Herman just hugged me, making me feel warm again.

At home, I was positioned in a chair. It turned out that I was breathing normally with the collar, and I wasn’t afraid, and they wouldn’t take it off for the night, of course, so that I could sleep sweetly. While Herman was off somewhere, I started distracting Mother Elsa with my silly talk. Mother put aside whatever she was doing and listened to me.

«Herman is suddenly the most important thing to me,» I said. «And I’ll do anything if it’s him, and I don’t know why…»

«Imprinting,» Mother said unclearly, and then she explained, «You had no one, and now you have a family. You want stability inside, so that’s what happened. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t be frightened.»

«I’m not scared, because it’s Herman. Everything he does is right.»

My mother shook her head and handed me back to her son who had returned, and I… clung to him. In the evening, Dad said that Herman would be home for a while, too, because… Turned out I was important… I didn’t understand at all how it was that I was suddenly important. It made me want to cry again. I must be a crybaby.

 
* * *
 

Dad brought some things that he put on my hands. They wrapped around my wrists, so they didn’t bend as easily anymore, but they almost stopped hurting with every movement. It was such a joy! I also got my special toothbrush and special fork and spoons. It was scary at first but then…

«Why are you crying?»

Herman seemed to be scared for me, I was now crying with joy because I could do it myself.

«I can… Do you understand? I can do it!» I really could eat on my own, although not quickly, but I could. And for the first time today, I brushed my teeth without pain. «I love you all so much!»

This confession was the real truth because my parents worked a miracle. Whether there is magic in the world or not, they did real magic: from that day, I was not helpless.

«We love you too,» Mum said smiling at me, and Dad was chewing, so he was quiet, but he agreed with Mum, I could see that.

This was the happiest day of my life. I could do something on my own and I was loved.

Herman started tutoring me, gradually teaching me that it was possible to learn. The hardest thing was writing, but my father worked something out and I got special pens. From that moment, I was able to write without pain, although my hands still got very tired, so I studied German slowly. Herman said that I shouldn’t get too tired and that I shouldn’t force myself, and I obeyed because I was Herman.

The days went by and I was getting used to this life. Teachers started coming to our house. They praised me a lot, but it turned out that I could not study without oxygen for a long time. Dad was solving this problem, and I… I had Herman and oxygen, so I studied as hard as I could. At night, my fiancé slept in the same bed with me. For some reason, I no longer woke up in the hospital but only on his shoulder. My fiancé didn’t mind at all, he just made sure I didn’t die at night, and I didn’t die because I was obedient.

They wouldn’t let me go to school, and I couldn’t study without Herman because I cried. Without him, one-on-one with a teacher, it was very scary. I don’t know what the past Gabriella died of, but I couldn’t resist this because even the kindest teachers seemed like monsters from a fairytale.

One day a man in a nice uniform that said ’police’ came to Daddy’s house. The man talked to Dad for a long time, and after that, Herman almost never left me.

«Herman, I have a confession to make…»

Yes, I dared to tell him that I used to be Mariana. It was very, very scary to tell, but it was Herman. If he had chased me away, then I would have died and it would all be over, although it was a shame, because, for the first time, I had a family that loved me. And the wheelchair is a small price to pay for warmth and affection.

«What is it, my little kitten?»

My fiancé saw how hard it was for me, so he began to calm me and explained that I didn’t have to say anything if it was so difficult.

But I had to and I told him, and he just smiled sadly, stroking my head. And then I told him about the books and what they said. And Herman hugged me and told me that everything would be all right, that we had parents, and the parents had friends, and there was also our country that just wouldn’t let us all get hurt. And I believed him.

About magic

I turned eleven. I had managed to get to this point and could do a lot of things on my own. Herman spent so much time with me helping to learn how to live… He’s just the best person in the world! Not so long ago, I learned to go to the toilet when I feel like it, so I don’t pee myself anymore. On that May day, I was wearing a light summer dress and pretty striped panties. Probably, healthy girls would not understand my joy, but I really felt happy when my mum put not a nappy on me but real panties!

When I found out it was my birthday, I was very surprised. In the book, Willy’s birthday was sometime in August. I think it was because of some coincidence that his parents were killed and some people wanted to kill him, but the boy managed to hide. But for me, it’s May. That was weird. A weirder thing was that Mum and Dad decided to celebrate. I don’t remember anything like that when I was Mariana.

«Happy birthday, kitten,» Herman said when I opened my eyes.

He caressed my head with his hand so softly that it made me want to purr. I tried to, but my voice was hoarse after sleeping, so it didn’t come out well. Herman helped me get dressed. I wasn’t shy by him, and he wasn’t shy by me, either. Maybe it’s because we were little… Maybe it was the right thing to do at that moment.

I washed myself because I could do it, only I had to put gloves on my orthotics⁹ to keep them from getting wet. Without the orthoses, it was very painful to move my arms. Also, they were different: one kind during the day and another one at night. The night ones were soft and had that lining, they kept me warm and protected me from getting cold. I also had pills that I had to take so that nothing hurt. I have to take them forever, but I can even eat ice cream once in a while. Also, you have to dilute the juice, but you can have almost any kind, except pomegranate because it gives you high blood pressure. And you can’t have green tea. And you have to be careful with chocolate… However, when you can’t eat something, but you really want to, then you can have a little, that’s what my dad said.

After washing, I hugged Herman and didn’t want to let him go, so we sat for a while and then we had to part ways anyway because it was time to eat.

First, you had to eat what was right and then just a little bit of what was wrong… Well, in honor of your birthday, you can eat unhealthy stuff, that’s it!

Mum and Dad took a day off. For me! For someone else, this might be a usual thing, but for me, it’s such a gift… Just the most enormous!

«Happy birthday, little girl!» Mum and Dad congratulated me and then added, «It’s so good to have you.»

I cried, of course, because of the emotions. The day began very happily, and then they took me to an amusement park. I wasn’t allowed to do everything and everywhere, but where I could… I was so happy, just to the point of squeaking. There are no words to describe how happy I was on my eleventh birthday. Then we went to a restaurant, and I had completely forgotten about the invitation from the academy, which, as it turned out, neither I nor Herman had received. This gift was even bigger than the amusement park.

In the evening, when my joints were lubricated, I tried to do magic with my hand, like in the book, and it didn’t work. Then I asked Herman to do the same, and he failed too, and then I squealed with delight. Even my parents came running in, and I was so happy that I couldn’t explain anything, I just squealed.

«Herman, what happened?» Mum asked.

«From what I understand,» my fiancé replied, «The kitten tried to do ’witchcraft’ and found out she wasn’t a witch. Which she’s happy about.»

«Rie,» my mother sat down next to me and began to explain: «The names Schmidt and Stiller are not the property of the author of the book. They exist in real life as well. I’ll show you the book with those names tomorrow. And just because something coincides with a book doesn’t mean that you’ve got into a scary fairytale, you know?»

«Hooray!» I was happy because I could live without the fenke¹⁰ and lindworm¹¹, and I certainly didn’t believe that «magic’ could fix me.

That’s how happily my birthday came to an end.

 
* * *
 

When I found out that I wasn’t a witch and that the things from the book might not even exist, I was very happy. I stopped being afraid and started doing better with my exercises. Dad and Mum were wondering how to help me, that’s what Herman told me, so I tried to be very obedient, though lately, I’d been wanting to do something naughty… I didn’t know why.

«Let’s do this task,» Herman suggested, and I, of course, immediately agreed, because I was obedient, right?

I rolled my wheelchair closer and started to write down the task. I never contradicted Herman, even when I really didn’t want to do something, because he was Herman. So I started doing the task.

«I can’t do it,» I sobbed, but he caressed me immediately, and the tears were gone.

We started to sort things out together.

«That’s it,» my Herman smiled, «You’ve got one box and a half carrying a worker. Can you imagine?»

I imagined and giggled. I finished the task quickly and decided to have a serious talk with him after all. Herman knew right away that we were going to have a conversation. He sat me down on the bed and hugged me.

«Tell me, please,» I began quietly. I was shaking a little for some reason but I held on. «Am I not forcing you to do anything? Maybe you want to be my brother instead of a fiancé?»

«Oh, kitten,» my fiancé smiled, «I’m not giving you away to anyone,» he got very serious, «No one at all, you know? So we’re going to be bride and groom.»

«And if you fall in love with… well…» I lowered my head, because of what I was about to say… it hurt. «Another, healthy girl?»

I couldn’t see what Herman was doing because my head was low. I felt tears running down my cheeks. His silence was terrifying. Suddenly I realized that I was falling, and I shrieked quietly. I thought for a moment that Herman was offended and walked away, which made my chest hurt, but he just laid me down, flipped me over on my stomach, and pulled up my skirt. I thought I must have hurt him badly and sobbed.

«Don’t ever say that,» my most beloved person in the world said and slapped me.

It didn’t hurt at all, it just was loud. I reached out with my arms to hug him.

«Please forgive me,» I said. «If you want, you can slap me until I bleed but don’t be angry.»

«How can I be angry with you like that?»

Herman rolled me over onto my back, hugging me very gently, and I told him that I didn’t want to hurt him at all because he was the most important person in the world to me, but I didn’t want to force him, because it was him.

«Will you forgive me?» I looked at Herman as pitifully as I could, and he nodded, smiling, «For some reason, I want to be slapped sometimes…»

«Let’s talk to Mum, shall we?» my fiancé suggested, and of course, I agreed.

We went to Mother to talk. Herman told me what a miracle I was, how much he loved me and would give anything in the world to keep me happy and alive. By the time we arrived, I was already crying over his words.

«Son, why is the little one crying?» Mother asked my fiancé.

He started talking about the stupid things I said and me wanting to… well… And Mother just hugged me.

«Spring is coming to an end for the baby, you’ll feel better soon,» said the best woman in the world, and Herman was surprised because it was already summer. «Spring is not always tied to the calendar with such pretty girls,» the best mummy in the world explained.

It made me feel better because they wouldn’t spank me, even if I wanted to. Then we went for a walk.

Outside, some boy called Herman an unfamiliar word, but my fiancé just didn’t pay attention because he was busy with me, which is probably why no one approached that boy to offend him because they saw me. Some people were staring at me like I was a monkey in a zoo. It was unpleasant but not scary because Herman was walking beside me. And the fact that my dress sometimes lifted and I could see my panties wasn’t a problem, I was proud of them, right?

While we were walking, an old lady came up to us. She was kind: she didn’t stare or make a disgusted face, she just smiled at me and talked to Herman and to me trying not to scare me, I saw it. She was a very special old lady, that Frau Vitke, so I was smiling as Herman drove me home.

There was very big news and a huge surprise waiting at home. The surprise came from Dad. I love Dad and Mum very much, even without any surprises. They are so warm and good, they are a miracle, not just ordinary parents. I’d forgotten it wasn’t my own family. Both Mum and Dad sometimes showed me more love and care than Herman, and Dad called me Daddy’s little girl which made me feel very, very warm.

«We are flying to Italy the day after tomorrow,» Dad announced to Herman and me.

My fiancé smiled happily, only I didn’t understand what that meant.

«Why are we going there?» I asked because I was curious.

«Firstly, there’s the sea,» Dad explained, «And secondly, a doctor who is a professional. Maybe he knows how to help you. Don’t cry!»

«I won’t,» I promised, although I really wanted to, because it must have been very expensive and difficult, I thought, and…

«You are our little girl,» Dad sat down beside me, hugged me, and explained, «I’ll get a star from the sky for you if you need it.»

I cried, of course, because it was impossible to keep so much warmth, affection, and tenderness inside, so they came out in tears. Also, I was a crybaby…

Hope

On the day of the departure, I was dressed in some overalls, well, Mother dressed me. The overalls are pretty shorts and a T-shirt that are one piece, so again there was a nappy. Mum showed me the nappy, and I wanted to cry, but Herman didn’t let me. He caressed me and hugged me, and later, he explained:

«The airport is not very close, and then there’s a plane and a bus,» he told me, «You’ll have a hard time going to the toilet, and this way you won’t have to hold it.»

«Do you think that’s right?» I looked at him and my fiancé nodded, so I pulled down my panties myself. I already knew how! He knew better than I did what was right. For some reason, I was a little scared to take them off… I didn’t know why, but Herman certainly knew, he was hugging me very gently.

I was dressed and then put in the car and my dad put the wheelchair in the trunk. It was coming with us too, but in luggage, and how it would be at the airport, I didn’t know, but my fiancé said everything was thought through, so I wasn’t worried. The car started and rolled off somewhere. I was looking only at Herman at first, and then I began to doze off. My eyes closed on their own, and I fell asleep, feeling I was being caressed.

I woke up in my father’s arms holding me close to him. It was very interesting, but I didn’t move so as not to disturb him. Finally, my dad slowly put me into a special cart where you don’t ride yourself but someone has to push you. Of course, it was Herman who pushed me.

It was scary all around: a big hall, lots of people. I was frightened of getting lost and squeezed my eyes shut, so I couldn’t see what was going on at all. It was only at some control point that Herman asked me to open my eyes and look at the man. The man was wearing something black, I don’t think I remembered it well because it was very scary.

«My daughter is afraid of crowds,» Dad explained gently, taking me in his arms.

The man looked in the book, then he looked at me and smiled very kindly. He said I was good and wished me a safe journey.

We went to the waiting room. It’s a big room with lots of chairs with people sitting in them. There were also vending machines with goodies that I couldn’t have or my tummy would hurt, so I just licked my lips but didn’t ask for them because I was obedient.

«How are you, little one?» Mum asked, and I just smiled at her, because how could I not? After all, it was Mummy!

«It’s all right,» I said and squeezed my eyes shut for a little bit because of her warmth.

«Are you thirsty?» Herman asked.

He looked greedily at the machines but did not buy anything, although he was allowed to.

«No, not yet,» I said, and then I asked: «Why don’t you buy yourself something if you want to?»

«You and I are family,» he replied, smiling at me. «I won’t eat or drink what you can’t because it’s the right thing to do.»

And I cried because of too many feelings. Herman gave up what he wanted for me. For me. It was so… There were just no words to explain, so I cried.

It might seem like a small thing and nothing, but it was so important to me… Herman. For me. For me. Do you understand? So…

We were sitting and waiting, and out the huge window, I could see a big plane waiting, probably, for us. I felt like going to the toilet and realized that Herman was right because there was no need to hold it, so I didn’t. I thought the panties would come later when we would find a toilet that would be convenient for me; not every toilet suited me, only the one with the blue sticker on it¹².

Oh, I forgot to tell you! My dad put a picture of a girl in a wheelchair with a teddy bear in her hands on the back of his car. She was so cuddly, despite the wheelchair. So, everyone knew I was in the car but it didn’t make me want to cry.

We sat in the waiting room for a while and then they called us in. Well, everyone was called, but us first because I’m in a wheelchair. Dad took me in his arms again and carried me somewhere: first down the corridor and then through the door. There was a long room with lots of chairs in it. Dad sat me down by the window, Herman sat next to me, and my parents were in front of us. That’s how I found out what a plane was. Then many, many more people came into the room and everyone was seated, and when everyone was seated, the room hummed, and behind the window, everything went first forward and then backward.

The plane was going somewhere, and then it stopped roaring in a scary way, but I wasn’t afraid, because Herman was sitting next to me and caressing me. And then, outside the window, everything ran faster and faster and started to move away, and I got dizzy and I didn’t feel well. My fiancé called my dad, but it turned out to be nothing: that’s what happens when the plane takes off. So we took off and flew to dreamland… Well, that’s how I imagined it. Because I had my great hope with me.

 
* * *
 

Nothing interesting happened on the plane anymore. Some women were serving drinks and sandwiches, so Herman fed me yogurt, I didn’t know where he got it from. He fed me so affectionately, but no one was staring at us because it was Herman. I could eat myself too, but I really liked the way my fiancé did it because it felt very warm. The only thing in the window was the clouds below, the blue sky, and the sun. There was nothing else to see, so I hugged my Herman and closed my eyes.

«Sleep, kitten,» he told me, and I obediently began to fall asleep while Herman caressed my hair and I felt like I was floating.

Strangely, I hardly thought about the mysterious sea because I had my fiancé and my parents, and I didn’t need anything else. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up with a kiss. Herman kissed me, of course. My eyes opened, and it appeared that we were about to land.

«Don’t be frightened.»

It was my fiancé, he was very caring, he even woke me up so I wouldn’t be frightened.

The plane went down and then hopped and roared and drove somewhere. I could see the houses out of the window again but those were different and there was lots of sunshine. We waited until everyone was out, and then my dad carried me again, and then he took my wheelchair out of our luggage and put me in it to make me feel comfortable. It turned out that we had landed, but we hadn’t arrived, I didn’t really understand how that was. And then there was that little bus, and you could lie down there. It turned out to be very comfortable to lie down because my nappy was already tired. And the bus also had tinted windows, and the driver got out so they could change my clothes. Herman took off my overalls and nappy and Mother gave me my panties. I smiled again because it was… freedom!

«We’ll be driving for three hours,» the driver said as they finished oiling me and dressed me again. Herman dressed me, of course. «You can rest now.»

We drove off and there were lots of interesting things around, so I was looking at Herman and out the window. Too bad you can’t look in and out at the same time. The bus rocked so gently that it put me to sleep. I didn’t want to sleep, honestly, but it put me to sleep, and I opened my eyes again when my fiancé caressed me. It turned out that we had arrived, and first, there would be a hotel to change my clothes and then we would go to a kind doctor, who was a professional, right.

Dad told me that this doctor was a very special professional and I felt hopeful. Only I said I wouldn’t do it without Herman anyway, but Dad replied that no one was going to, and I became happy. I was changed into a sundress to make it easy to take off because the doctor would want to look at me. I didn’t care, let him look, as long as my fiancé was there, that’s all.

I was fed, well Herman did it again of course, not because I couldn’t, but because… well it’s him! Mum smiled very affectionately as she was watching Herman feeding me, and Dad joked that we were going to have the best babies, and I cried. I wanted us to grow up and have babies too. Was it possible that I wouldn’t die?

«We’re going to the doctor now, kitten,» my fiancé smiled at me, he was hopeful too. «He’ll have a look at you and he’ll be sure to help. You need to have faith!»

«I have faith, Herman,» I told him because I did, and I really, really had hope.

Then we got on that little bus again, well, they put me down, of course. And Dad said that if I was a good girl, there would be the sea in the evening. Herman replied to Dad that I was always good and very obedient, and I kissed his hand with which he caressed me. And off we went.

Pretty soon, we were at this big white house. There were cars and people driving around, but I was in Dad’s arms and then in the wheelchair again. Herman took me into a cool room and there were kind smiling people and children like me. They had the same orthotics on their arms or very similar, and there were also two girls in wheelchairs chasing each other. I must have looked at them very pitifully because the girls came up to us and said something not in German, but Dad understood. Dad was very clever.

«Maria says,» he translated to me, «That there is no need to be afraid, everything will soon be fine, even if you’re in a wheelchair.»

«I’m not afraid,» I answered, holding my fiancé’s hand, «Because I have Herman. And you, Mummy and Daddy.»

«It’s going to be alright, my dear,» Herman said to me quietly. It was like he could sense when I was getting scared. How was it possible?

Dad smiled, caressed me, and pointed somewhere. There stood the doctor in green clothes, he was smiling and looking at me very gently. He had a mustache and rectangular glasses but that wasn’t the main thing. The main thing was the way those two girls looked at this doctor – as if he was an angel. Could he help me?

I promised to be the most obedient girl in the world! Oh, please…

With warmth and affection

The doctor smiled at me in such a way that I even believed everything was going to be okay. Then, he took me for a check-up. Somehow, this doctor understood that I couldn’t be taken away from Herman and asked my fiancé to be the one to help me. Dad moved me to the couch, Herman carefully took off all my clothes except my panties, and then I got a little scared, but the kind doctor said there was no need to take my panties off and started to caress me. I understood that he was examining me, but he was caressing me very gently and carefully as if he was afraid of hurting me. I said that if it had hurt, I would have endured it.

«Don’t let it hurt,» the magic man told me.

He was a real wizard and finished quickly, and then he asked Herman to walk with me while he was explaining to Mummy and Daddy how to help me. So… did that mean he could help me?

We went for a walk, and my fiancé told me that soon everything would be fine and I would be able to do everything myself, but he would still cuddle me and dress me and feed me because I was a miracle. That’s what he said. And I said he was the best thing in the world. And I wouldn’t give him up to anyone. And then we agreed that we wouldn’t give each other up. Because that’s us.

Mum and Dad came to take us to the ward because they had to do e-xa-mi-na-tions. I didn’t know what that was. I got so silly and as though I got younger. But when I said that to Herman, he promised not to give me ice cream for these words. I immediately replied that I wouldn’t do it again because I agreed to be punished, but I couldn’t do without ice cream, not at all. Herman smiled as only he could and said that I had talked him into it. Then I had to undress again. They even took off my panties and didn’t put on a nappy but they put on these special clothes, like pajamas, but very special. And when they took the orthoses off, I cried. I was very afraid that it would hurt again, so I cried. Then they put them back on but said that they would take them off for a while. For a while, I agreed. But not forever. Because it hurt. And when it hurt it was bad, that’s what Herman said, and that’s what Dad said, too.

I was being taken somewhere. I was very scared but Herman was there for me, and it wasn’t scary with him. In the end, it was nothing special, only my breasts hurt when they were pressed against that white thing¹³, but I endured. I cried and endured it. Herman saw me crying and told them not to torture me so much. And they obeyed him, and I cried a little more, but he calmed me down. The scariest was a tube called am-ar-i¹⁴, although I didn’t know what that meant. It was like a ring at first, but there was a tube inside clicking and buzzing really loudly, so it was scary. But I was brave because Herman was with me.

And then we went back to the ward where I would live for a little while so that I could be made well there. Dad and Mum went with the doctor, and Herman fed me. Some woman said we should try to let me eat by myself, but my fiancé replied that I was tired, so I would cry, and crying was not necessary at all, and the woman agreed. When my parents arrived, it turned out that we were going to the sea, so Herman took off my pajamas and put on what my mother gave us: beautiful colored pants that were a little different and also a kind of a T-shirt but shorter. It’s called a swimsuit, right!

We went to the sea… At first, there was sand, lots and lots of sand, and everyone was wearing panties but Mummy had a swimsuit that looked like mine. And then the white sand was over and there was wet sand. And then I saw green waves with white foam. That’s how many words I remembered!

They started teaching me how to swim. Well, I kind of knew how, but my legs… and my collar… so Mummy put this orange vest on me and I swam in it. The sea was bitter-salty, and I snorted for a long time, and it was also warm and somehow… extraordinary.

Then I had to go back, but I couldn’t part with the sea, and my parents understood that. But it was still necessary to go back because of eating, taking pills, and sleeping. The doctor allowed me to sleep in the hotel and come to the hospital from there, because I was very scared without Mummy and Daddy, and I didn’t agree at all without Herman.

 
* * *
 

Children are not the only ones hoping for help at the clinic. The eyes of the parents of these children often light up with even more hope. Dr. Marconi looked at Elsa and Gerhardt, the parents of a girl that was so different from them, and saw this light. He understood that she was not their own child, but of course, he did not ask. The adults, who had come all the way from Germany for the sake of the child, must have regarded her as their own and undoubtedly loved her, and they should not have been hurt by such questions.

«Let’s talk about Gabriella,» the doctor suggested as he put the pictures on the X-ray film viewer ¹⁵ . He already knew that both parents were doctors, so they probably did not need a translation. Dr Marconi spoke English with a soft, pleasing-to-the-ear accent and his intonation gave you confidence. «Look, here are the joints of the legs, arms, and the condition of the neck. The girl was apparently malnourished and beaten a lot in her early childhood.»

«We don’t know that for sure, unfortunately,» Elsa said, peering into the films that were clearer than the ones they made at home. «Daughter lost her memory after… After a cardiac arrest at school, her former caretakers are in prison.»

«Why did that happen at school?» the doctor wondered, and when he heard Gerhardt sigh, he saw that it wasn’t easy either.

«Attempted violence,» Herr Stiller said wistfully. «So her fears are… Apparently, she was also beaten, but it’s hard to tell for sure. The disease was treated, of course, but…»

«I see,» Alexander Marconi nodded. «From what I can see, the girl has been beaten a lot, poorly fed, and dragged by her hair, which has damaged both her neck and her head. The neck needs surgery. We’ll put a prosthetic vertebra here and she’ll be fine. Now, about the head… We will treat cerebrovascular disease. I don’t see anything irreparable, although there will be problems with her memory, of course.

«What about her legs and arms?» Elsa asked, worrying about Rie.

«The legs…» Dr. Marconi scratched his nose thoughtfully, «The joints could be operated on here and here, and then Gabriella would be able to walk. Running is unlikely, but walking is for sure. As for the hands… It’s better not to touch them yet, we’ll look at them again at fifteen or sixteen. We’ll try to strengthen her heart and give her minerals and vitamins, so she can live a normal life and bear a child when the time comes. That’s what they all dream about.»

«So, strengthen her heart, take vitamins and minerals, deal with the head, and then the operations?» Gerhardt prioritized the tasks which made the Italian look at him with respect.

«Yes, you’re right,» Alexander replied. «The risks should be kept to a minimum.»

«Tell us, the fact that she sometimes behaves like a five-year-old, sometimes like a teenager, and now mostly like a baby, does this need to be treated?»

Of course, Elsa knew about the age delay, but she thought of Gabriella as her daughter, so she was afraid of making a mistake.

«She didn’t have a childhood,» the Italian smiled sadly. «But she had a lot of pain and disappointment in adults. And then, you came along, the boy takes care of her, she loves him and trusts him completely, I can see that. A child’s psyche is, of course, very flexible, but right now, Gabriella is just experiencing her childhood, so don’t be afraid of that. The time of pain and fear will pass, and the little girl will become an adult, but for now, accept her as she is.»

«That’s how we take it, especially Herman,» Gerhardt Stiller chuckled and smiled at something. «So, what sum of the loan should we get?»

That was not an easy question either: the treatment was rather expensive. But the clinic had various options, including installments, because the Stillers were not the only ones…

 
* * *
 

Herman gave me a bit of a scare today. He made such a stern face and said I was finally going to be punished, so I had to get ready. I smiled and said yes because it was him. I obediently laid down and even pulled my pajama trousers down. It was a little scary, but a kind lady came in, praised me for some reason, and pricked my bottom. It hurt but not too much. And then Herman hugged me, and that was the best reward ever.

Turned out, I lacked vi-ta-mines and something else, so I have to get my bottom pricked. It was scary when a stranger was doing it, so I asked… Well… At least let Dad do it, if I can’t have Herman. Dad smiled very affectionately and offered my fiancé to try to show him how to do it properly. Herman was very nervous, which made it hurt more than when the lady did it, but I didn’t cry because it was him. I’ll take anything from Herman because he’s my fiancé.

«Forgive me, my miracle,» my Herman told me, and I smiled at him, hugging him.

«Don’t apologize,» I replied to my fiancé. – «Everything you’re doing is right because it’s you.»

And the lady listened to us and sobbed. I didn’t know why. Maybe she was offended. I asked my dad, and he said she was sobbing because I was a miracle. I didn’t understand but I nodded so I wouldn’t upset Daddy by… well… And Daddy saw that I hadn’t figured it out and started to explain:

«You’re a miracle, baby,» he told me as he sat down next to me. «You’re very sweet and good, and that’s why people are smiling, and they are sobbing because of strong feelings, do you understand?»

«I understand, Daddy.»

At that moment, I really understood. Then, my dad told me that they would strengthen my heart and treat my memory so that I would understand more, and then they would treat my legs and neck so I could walk. I would be able to walk! For real! With my feet! I couldn’t help but cry. Because… Well, that’s walking! Herman was happy with me. We were both so happy because we were a family.

After a meal and injections, I was examined, and then the gymnastics started. Herman did everything with me, making sure I wasn’t in pain or crying. Kind women and men praised us both which made me smile and not cry. My arms were tired from the gymnastics, and sometimes it was even hard to breathe, but they gave me a mask and it became easier. Because you have to work hard to walk afterward. I would agree to almost anything for «walking’. Almost, because without Herman, I don’t agree to walk.

But Mummy and Daddy said they wouldn’t have taken Herman away from me, so I would agree to do anything! Even… even if there would have been no ice cream. All that mattered was that my fiancé was always there.

Fear of losing a loved one

We had spent almost two weeks there, but Dad said we would be here for a while because he and Mum had taken some time off, so we didn’t have to leave quickly. Herman wanted to say something to me that day, but he didn’t know how to begin, I thought. So I caught him, knitted my brows, and looked at him like I was asking for ice cream, so he hugged me tightly and started to tell me.

«Your neck needs fixing,» my fiancé told me.

He was so serious that I was even a little scared.

«Does it hurt?» I asked.

I was a little scared already that it could hurt because I was used to it not hurting. The injections didn’t count, because it was Herman.

«You’ll just fall asleep,» he smiled at me, although I could see that he was scared, too. «You’ll be sleeping and dreaming, and then you’ll wake up and have to lie down.

«I agree if you say so,» I became serious too, but I didn’t cry, although I got scared because Herman was afraid. «Why are you afraid?»

«I’m worried about you, my miracle,» my fiancé said to me, and I started smiling because I was his.

«It’s going to be okay because I have you,» I told him, and he started to hug me again, and I hugged him, too. Because that’s us.

In the morning, they wanted to take me away from Herman, and I cried. Then, the kind lady told him to change and wash up while Mummy and Daddy hugged me. I got scared again, just very scared, but Daddy said that if I continued to be scared, there would be no ice cream for a week, and how could I be without ice cream? So I stopped being scared, and then Herman came and we went somewhere. They moved me to a flatbed, it wasn’t very comfortable but it had to be like that because my fiancé said so. The kind lady was very surprised that I was obedient when Herman said so, but it was Herman, how couldn’t she understand?

I was undressed… Well, Herman undressed me because I was getting scared again, and he covered me with a sheet so I wouldn’t be naked and cold. He was so thoughtful, he was wonderful! Then the lady took the collar off my neck and smeared something over it, but I didn’t cry because my fiancé was there. They pricked my vein and I began to fall asleep looking at Herman.

«We’re waiting for you, my miracle,» my fiancé said when I was almost asleep.

And then I was sleeping… I think so because Herman and I were running around the beach together in our panties and we were almost completely adults. And he kissed me like Dad kissed Mum and told me that we were together forever now. Forever and ever! And also, when I was running, it didn’t hurt at all! Such a good dream… May it be true! I also dreamt that we were like a mum and dad, and we had a baby boy… He was so small, but he loved us anyway, and we loved him very much. Because he’s a baby, how can you not love him? I wanted it to be true so much… Well, please let it be true!

 
* * *
 

Rie was taken away, and Herman went with her because the girl would not let him go too far from her. Then the teenager returned, almost crying. Now, they had to wait. Wait for the news, suffering from anxiety and worrying for their little daughter, for this little miracle. Gerhardt, as always, held his nerve because he had an iron will. Elsa cried softly because she was so worried. Herman was tormented by his feelings, now and then jumping out of his chair and walking down the corridor.

«Are you sure she will be alright?» the boy asked pitifully, trembling with fear of losing Rie.

«She will,» the father said calmly, stood up, and hugged his son, «You have to have faith and not cry.»

«It’s so scary, Dad,» Herman confessed, «I’m just terrified. She was falling asleep and looking at me… She’ll live, won’t she?»

«She will,» Elsa wiped away her tears, got up, and embraced the boy and her husband, «Rie will live, she will be alright. I promise you that.»

«I believe that, Mum,» Herman tried to convince himself, «It turns out, I love her so much… I just can’t imagine what would happen if…»

«No «if’, son,» Gerhardt interrupted the boy, pulling him closer, «We all love Rie and the way she loves us… You are the ultimate truth to her.»

The head of the family smiled cheerily.

«Yes, she does, Herman agreed, «Sometimes I don’t think I love you enough compared to this. You know… When I imagine anything happening to her, it’s just earth-shattering. Oh, please don’t let anything happen to her! Oh, please, Daddy!»

It was a cry from his heart. A fierce, hopeful spell of the boy who was desperately afraid of losing his miracle, the one who was gradually becoming the most important person in his life. Even more important than Mum and Dad.

The Stillers understood this completely. They tried to calm down their son, struggling to control their own feelings. When the doctor entered the waiting room and silently gave them a thumbs-up, Elsa fainted because of the great relief and frightened Herman one more time. But his kitten will definitely be alright now. The doctors were smiling. They immediately showed the boy the sleeping girl and he saw that they had to shave her hair off because of this operation. Herman was looking at Rie with a smile, repeating like a mantra: «Everything will be alright.»

 
* * *
 

Then, I woke up. At first, I didn’t feel anything, not even myself, and I was about to be frightened, but a man came in. He fixed something and smiled. I smiled at him too and then tried to ask him where Herman was, but the man left, and then I cried. The kind lady, who was there before the dream, came and brought Herman in because she understood. My fiancé looked at me with his wet eyes and smiled happily. You can tell when people are happy, so he was happy looking at me. And I was happy for him, even though I couldn’t reach out to him for some reason.

«Don’t be frightened, little one,» my Herman told me, gently caressing my head, «The anesthetic will wear off soon, and you’ll be able to move again. The important thing is that you are with us.»

«I will always be with you,» I promised.

For some reason, my voice was very hoarse and I was thirsty. Herman let me drink a little because I couldn’t have too much at once. Then, my arms and even my legs started to move. They didn’t even hurt when they moved. It was so unusual!

«I was so worried about you,» my most beloved fiancé in the world said, «Because I love you so much.»

«I love you very, very much,» I replied because it was true, «Because it’s you!»

And then, I needed to lie down and sleep some more, but Herman was allowed to sit with me because otherwise, I cried. Not because I was sad but because it worked and I didn’t want to part with my fiancé. And he didn’t want to either, he told me so himself! So I did it the way it worked, and he was allowed to do it. The man said it wouldn’t be a big deal because he trusted him. And I said it was Herman! And everyone understood.

I lay down for a while, and then they started to train me and Herman, of course, because I was scared without him, and to be scared was bad. And we didn’t need anything bad, that was what Daddy said. And my fiancé says so, so it’s right. They trained me and trained me, and then they took the collar off! And nothing happened! Well, it didn’t hurt, I could breathe just well, only my neck got tired quickly, but that’s why they started treating it. To distract me, well, I thought so, we played different games, and then swam in the sea and played again. They cut my hair for the operation, but Herman said it would grow back, and I was the prettiest anyway, so I didn’t cry. Herman knew best, didn’t he?

And then, we had to leave because Mummy and Daddy had work to do. The other surgeries were postponed so as not to frighten my Herman. I didn’t realize until that time how scared of losing me he was. He’s the best thing in the world! There’s no way I’m upsetting him because he’s Herman. I had one last swim in the sea, and then we left in the morning. It was a bit sad, especially because of the nappy, but Herman understood and brought me an ice cream so I wouldn’t cry. He said that, although I didn’t try to cry because you can’t use something that works for such silly things.

We were flying home, and I was carrying a piece of sunny Italy and the smile of the magical doctor in my heart. The doctor called Marconi turned out to be a real miracle worker, I could be without a collar, my legs began to move, and I also felt lighter there, inside. Because you can’t whimper when you’re loved like that… We were flying back, and I was only looking at my Herman, even when I fell asleep because it was him.

Nothing had changed at home, so we sat down at the table. I had to eat, then the pills, then sleep, study… I had a very strict routine now, as Dad said, ’no time off or holidays’ but it was only to make me feel good. And for that, I would get ice cream and a tube of cream. Not at the same time, though: either one or another, so sometimes it was hard to choose, but Herman has worked out how to help me: we divided the ice cream and the straw in two, so we got both. And Herman! Hooray, eh?

«School starts in September,» Dad told us and immediately asked: «Shall we try to go there or would you rather study at home?»

«Whatever Herman says is right,» I answered immediately, and my fiancé hugged me. I could be hugged because it was all healed, right!

My fiancé said we should try it at home and if I didn’t get scared, then we’d try school, but if I did, forget it. And Dad agreed with «forget it’. He said we were more important to him than all the schools in the world. It was so warm that I cried, but I quickly calmed down. It’s a good thing that I’m Mum’s, Dad’s, and especially Herman’s. I was the happiest person in the world!

School

At home, I was fine, I could even study for forty minutes straight without crying over exhaustion. We were home-schooled, so we both got credit for that year. Dad explained that I couldn’t take exams yet and that Herman could, but I would get nervous and, again, we couldn’t afford that, so we would take them the following way: while Herman was writing, I would just sit next to him and answer what I could orally because writing hurt me a lot. The school would also say that it hurt me to write too much.

I was also frightened that at school there was that… Well…¹⁶ Dad explained that this thing was long gone. At least, that’s how I understood him, so I smiled. If my fiancé wasn’t in any danger, I would be cool. The main thing was that it wouldn’t happen to him. Sometimes I still thought I was unimportant, but Herman said he would be offended, and I stopped thinking that because my fiancé must not be offended at all. It was very scary, what he said, the worst of it. I told him that I was obedient, so I wouldn’t think that way.

We were invited to the school. I was getting ready with Herman, and we were all worried. And at school, it turned out that the teachers were worried too because they didn’t want me to feel bad. I was so surprised, but Herman said it was all right. And my fiancé also told me not to worry so my heart wouldn’t get sick, and I said I’d try. And I tried really hard.

We were given assignments. Herman sat down to write, and I read and didn’t understand anything at first. I was suddenly scared. I remembered that I had promised not to worry, so I read it again. It was maths, something with a quadratic equation. I thought maybe I would understand it later and started to do another task, but again, I couldn’t do it. It was so painful because, at home, I could do everything so easily! Why couldn’t I do it now? I cried quietly, trying not to distract Herman, but he somehow sensed it, dropped his pen, and started hugging me and asking:

«What happened to you, little one, what’s wrong?»

And the teacher looked at us sympathetically, she understood.

«I can’t do it, I’m stupid,» I tried to explain through tears, but he kissed my eyes and comforted me.

«It’s all right, little one, let’s sort it out together.»

Herman was completely focused on me, forgetting about his exam.

«You have to write. Let me cry while you are writing,» I asked him.

But my fiancé said there was nothing in the world more important than me, and those words made me cry even more but in a different way. It was not over sadness but affection and warmth. We were sitting and trying to sort things out, and I began to understand some things. The teacher stood beside us and listened to Herman explaining it to me, and then she just smiled and said that she understood everything. Later, I found out that she had given my fiancé an excellent mark because if he could explain like that, then he knew. But it’s Herman, he knew everything.

It was no longer like that with German, I was able to say a lot of things, and the teacher was pleased, he just did not come too close so as not to frighten me. And then, somehow, the exams were over, and they congratulated Herman and me, saying how good we were. And I said that it was all Herman’s credit because he was the best.

That girl and her boy were the reason for the long conversations between the teachers. The fact that the children were very close was clear to experienced teachers. The sick girl and her brother who cared for her in a way that not every parent cared for their children. The girl, of course, gave a little scare to the teachers who knew that the child almost died at school, so everyone decided to give her credit for what she could do. Suddenly, it turned out that the young Frau was very bad only in complicated mathematics, but everything else was at a very decent level. When they shared that with the girl’s parents, the teachers were told that some of the child’s brain cells were not working, but despite this fact, she was trying. The examiners decided to support this family. The girl and her boy did not give up.

My parents were very excited because, in September, we would be able to go to secondary school. I didn’t know what the difference was, but Dad said that Herman and I were very good, and took us to the amusement park. I realized I wasn’t stupid, I just wasn’t good at maths, and my fiancé explained that you can’t be brilliant at everything, so it’s okay if you can’t do something. And I agreed because that’s what Herman said!

 
* * *
 

The school ended on the very first day, which almost became my last day. If Dad hadn’t been waiting outside school, I don’t know what would have happened. But it was Dad! He decided to stick around and…

It started well. The boys and girls in the new class were not very friendly, but I didn’t care because I had Herman.

And then the teacher came. I guess he just didn’t see that I was in a wheelchair. Well, that’s what my dad explained later, so I wouldn’t be too scared. In the new class, I was supposed to stand up when the teacher came in because that was their custom, but I couldn’t…

«Why is the girl so unfriendly?» that man asked, becoming very scary.

«She’s in a wheelchair,» Herman tried to explain, but the scary teacher wouldn’t listen.

«Now I’m going to check what’s stopping the Frau from getting up,» he said, and I felt like crying.

The man came closer and closer so slowly and scary that I began to panic. Herman tried to stop the man and explain that I must not be scared, but he was stronger than my fiancé. When Herman fell, I closed my eyes and shrieked as loud as I could.

Daddy came out of nowhere, he punched this… scary one and rushed over to me. I found that out later, but at the time, I fainted which scared both Dad and Herman. My fiancé was worried that he couldn’t protect me, and Dad said that someone was holding Herman and there were more of them. It was so scary that I… well… Then Herman dressed me because I couldn’t do anything myself again. I was shaking with fear so much that the wheelchair was shaking with me. Dad called the police and also a medical car to calm me down. They put me inside and Herman too because he looked very pale. And I hugged my fiancé and asked him to hide me, and then I don’t remember.

That’s how school ended. Both Herman and I went to the hospital for a while and then stayed home. It turned out I had lost my voice, so for a long time, I only whispered, but I was very afraid even to go to the bathroom without Herman.

And something went wrong in Herman’s heart when he got scared for me, so he was having shots from that moment too until he got better. I was having them too to keep him company.

«Is it because of me that Herman feels bad?» I asked my dad, who was very angry, but not at us, but at the school.

«No, baby, it’s because of the school,» Daddy replied.

My mother confirmed it too, so I didn’t ask to be punished. Also, my fiancé hugged me and asked me not to die, so I promised him and I had to keep my word. But I was afraid of school now and again… well… at night… So in the evening, Herman put a nappy on me to keep me comfortable.

I became very afraid of strangers, but one day, my father brought a lady, she was kind. She talked to me and Herman for a long time, because without Herman I only cried. The lady gave me a sweet, but I asked my fiancé first and took it when he said I could. It seemed I had become very small again.

We didn’t go to school anymore, the teachers came to us because that lady told Daddy and Mummy that it would be better for both me and Herman. We were home-schooled, and I was slowly getting over my fear of teachers when my fiancé was around. And I was very scared without him, so we were always together. Herman said he’s afraid to leave me alone, so we’re always together. Well, he was my fiancé. So it was the right thing to do.

Dad said there was a trial of that scary teacher, and there he said he wanted to make a joke. Is that any kind of joke? I wish someone had done that to him! I cried when I heard that. I also realized that I was the luckiest girl in the world because I had a mommy and a daddy and Herman who loved me and would never make a joke like that. My fiancé hugged me even more often than before, and I felt good… Except that sometimes at night the scary one would come to my dreams and do something with his trousers which made me panic, and my Herman would wake me up.

«We will definitely get through this,» Herman repeated.

And Dad said that we would probably move soon. I didn’t understand why, but if Dad said so, it must have been the right thing to do. I didn’t know whether we would move to another place or another house. But that’s not important, I thought…

«From the city or the country?» My fiancé, the best fiancé in the world, asked.

«I wish we could move to Italy,» I dreamt.

Italy was beautiful and I liked it, but my dad said I would have to learn a different language there and it was difficult for me.

«We’ll give Germany another chance,» Mummy smiled so sweetly that I wanted to curl up in her arms, «The most important thing is that my little girl has a good time.»

«I’ll have to,» I answered, «Because I have you and you have me, right?»

«Yes, my dear.»

My mother hugged me and also my fiancé, because we were inseparable, as if we had been linked forever. Well… I felt like it… And if you really want something, I guess you can.

Mum was very warm and tender. And Daddy was the strongest and most reliable person. And then there Qa my Herman. And there was me too. And I always will be because I promised, and you have to keep your promises, my fiancé said. That’s what Daddy said, too. And they knew exactly what was right.

New house

We were moving… First Mummy and Daddy showed Herman and me where we were going to live. It was a town and a beautiful house almost in the woods, and they had already done everything for me, you know, so that I could go everywhere. And our room with Herman was like… with a huge window! Mum said we could even see the stars from that window when we lie down. That was so great!

We were moving so as not to frighten me, so at first Herman and I were put in the hospital for a few hours. Well, Dad said so, and I was a good girl, so I lay there cuddling Herman while he was taking care of me. Caressing and oiling and… and feeding me, too. He feeds me so tenderly, it’s impossible not to eat. Ladies came to our room to look at Herman. Because he was a real miracle, even though he said I was a miracle… But it was Herman!

And then Mummy and Daddy arrived. Herman dressed me to go outside, because it was already cold outside, and took me. He wouldn’t let anyone touch me, he did everything himself, and he wouldn’t even let me do it, I didn’t know why. My Herman allowed me to be very small, he sheltered me with his warmth that made me want to cry because of the emotions…

We drove for a long time – an hour, maybe more, but I hardly noticed it because of Herman. My fiancé hugged me telling me how everything was going to be all right from now on, and in the winter, we would go back to Italy to get my legs fixed… to let me… To walk… It was like a promise of a miracle… Well, there I was crying again. I’m a crybaby.

«Herman, tell me, is it bad that I’m a crybaby?»

«You’re not a crybaby,» my Herman caressed me, «You’re a miracle, you just have a lot of emotions.»

And I believed it, because how could I not believe my fiancé, it’s Herman! And also Mummy and Daddy.

Daddy carried me upstairs in his arms because he missed me, he said. And there it was! A huge bed for Herman and me, and a table for studying, and… some big white box on wheels. I wondered what it was.

«It’s an oxygen concentrator, daughter,» explained the best daddy in the world. «You will do exercises, it will help you.»

«How is it going to help me?»

I imagined a big white box on wheels doing the maths for me and chuckled.

«You’ll see,» Daddy smiled.

And then we had lunch. Herman even let me eat on my own because I was a good girl. He wasn’t at all angry that I spilled the soup on myself because my hand was tired. Somehow, I started to get tired quickly after that terrible day, but Dad said it would get better.

«It’s going to be alright,» Mummy smiled at me.

I trusted Mum and Dad. Well, it was okay to get a prick in the bottom, even when it hurt because Herman’s hands…

When I had finished my lunch with my fiancé’s help, it was time for a massage, injections, and more pills of various kinds, well, as usual, to make sure nothing hurt. It was such a blessing when only my bottom hurt after an injection! Healthy girls probably don’t know what it means… And that’s good because when it hurts, it’s bad, Herman said so. And that’s what Daddy said too. And I didn’t have any more pain from that time, because of the medicine, even if it had to be forever.

When we went to bed, I made a pitiful face to ask Daddy, because he could do anything.

«Daddy, I dreamed that Herman and I were like you and Mummy, and we were having a baby. I will have a baby, won’t I?»

«You will,» the best daddy in the world said, and Herman began wiping his eyes as if he’d had an eyewinker in them. «Sleep, children.»

And we went to sleep. At first, Herman put a nappy on me so I wouldn’t «swim’ at night, as he called it so that I wouldn’t cry because of it. And then, my fiancé told me a story and hugged me, and the story made my eyes close. I didn’t even notice how I fell asleep because I was dreaming about that fairytale and then our baby boy said: «Mum, I’m waiting for you,» and I think I was crying in my sleep.

«That’s what they all dream about,» Herr Stiller recalled Dr. Marconi’s words. How hopefully the little girl looked at him asking her question, even Herman cried. «You will have everything, little girl,» thought Gerhardt. «We will do everything for it, only keep living.»

 
* * *
 

It was really beautiful in the new house. Herman and I loved looking at the stars, admiring them. I even seemed to get a little bigger, stop being so small… Or no? I didn’t know. And my fiancé told me not to think about it because I didn’t have to. And I tried, but it was very hard for me not to think about it.

Also, the lessons started again, but the teachers were different. They were very kind, they were not angry, and they didn’t want to check why I didn’t stand up. Daddy didn’t want to send us to school. And I found out how a big box helped me. There was a tube that went up to my nose and blew. For some reason, when it blew, it made it easier for me to learn. I understood everything at once, even in maths, although I was very afraid at first. But my fiancé said that everything would work out and it did because it was Herman. I suddenly began to understand everything…

«Herman, look, is that right?»

I looked into his eyes, trying to see an answer there. But there was only warmth and tenderness.

«Yes, Rie,» he nodded and kissed my cheek, «You’re a good girl.»

He said it so softly that it made me want to cry because it just overwhelmed me with happiness. And the teachers were not angry when Herman hugged and kissed me, they understood, they were happy with him for… me? Was that because I was doing well? It was like a fairytale. Sometimes, I found myself thinking I was living in a fairytale. Not the one I once thought I was in, but the real one, about Herman and Mummy and Daddy and the little girl who would definitely do just fine, you just had to wait a little. And I was obedient, so I was patient. And would even agree to be punished if it was needed to make it good. But I wouldn’t be punished, I already knew that, because I was loved.

Sometimes it felt like I had always been loved. But I still remembered that a long time ago, there was a girl named Mariana whom no one wanted, so I would cherish everything I had from that moment… very, very much. That’s what I told Herman, that I would do anything as long as no one took him away. And my fiancé said no one would take him away, because I had him forever. Just like in that dream.

Time flew by almost unnoticeably, and then Daddy said that very soon we would be flying to Italy. To get me fixed up… It was a real fairytale… Herman massaged me, tickled me, and told me that very soon, maybe even in summer, I would be able to walk. Well, with my legs, can you imagine? I was also able to do a math test without crying even once, right! Daddy said we were going to have a party, so we went outside. I had one of those special overalls that let you roll in the snow. I really liked rolling in the snow, and Herman knew that. So we did it, and then there were fireworks: these were beautiful lights going up in the sky and exploding into stars. And there was a cake… It wasn’t very sweet, because I couldn’t have too much sweet stuff, but it was a whole cake of colored jelly, which I was allowed to eat. As much as I could! And I ate it all, of course, because, well, it was happiness.

It was only a few days later when we were flying again. I was no longer afraid of anyone, because Herman was there, and Daddy and Mummy, of course. I knew they could protect me from everything, so I wasn’t afraid. My fear escaped somewhere when Herman hugged me. Just a quick sniff and it was gone…

I won’t tell you about the plane because it hadn’t changed at all. Everything was the same as in summer, only I flew in a fur coat because it took a long time to change the overalls and there was no need to torture me, as my dad said, so I was no longer afraid of the passport control and was generally very very brave because of Herman. I was even praised for not being afraid of anything. Well, I was scared, of course, but not as much as I used to be in the summer because I knew they would help, yes!

And then we arrived and went to the hospital to see the doctor who was a real angel because he helped everyone, right!

 
* * *
 

«What can I say…» Dr. Marconi took another close look at the diagnostic tests and smiled. «Very good, an unexpectedly quick compensation. What about psychology?»

«Five, maybe six years,» Herr Stiller sighed. «But it makes her feel better. She’s talking about having a baby already.»

«Don’t force it,» the doctor advised. He was a specialist in rare and extremely rare diseases. «This is already very good: she is thinking about the future, not death.»

«We understand,» Elsa looked at her colleague with even more hope than the girl had.

«We’ll operate on the legs,» Dr. Marconi decided. «The heart is holding, and the oxygen support will still remain, but the main thing is that the heart is holding.

«When?» Gerhardt asked briefly, thinking that Herman would get worried again.

«Tomorrow,» the colleague answered just as briefly. «Tomorrow we will be fixing the little girl’s legs.»

Fix the legs

I probably would have been very scared if Herman hadn’t prepared me in advance. I could see how worried he was and how scared he was, but my fiancé was smiling because ’hooray’. Soon, I would be taken to a place where I would sleep, and in the meantime, the kind doctor would fix my legs so that I could walk. Not right away, later, but it would happen! Soon, I would be able to walk! By myself! With my own legs!

Herman hugged me when they came to move me when they injected me and put the mask on. He walked with me all the way to the big white doors, and I fell asleep looking into his impossible, magical eyes. He was looking at me so affectionately, promising that he would wait; it didn’t make me feel scared at all, just sleepy.

«Come back soon, love,» my fiancé told me.

He… he called me «love’, so it was not just for fun, was it? Did that mean I really had him? And I fell asleep happily. I dreamed about walking and swimming together with him and also dancing. I once saw such a beautiful dance on TV: a boy was spinning a girl around and she was laughing so happily… I’m going to do that, too!

Herman, despite all the persuasions, could not sit still: he looked into the eyes of every doctor who came out of the surgery suite. And everyone, everyone told the boy that everything was going to be alright. The adults, the men in green clothes who were in a hurry, stopped to support the boy who was almost crying.

«Don’t worry, lad, everything will be alright,» another doctor smiled at him, «Your girl will live, walk, maybe even run.»

«What if…» whispered Herman Stiller, «What if something happens?»

«Don’t think about bad things, boy, you mustn’t,» the doctor explained to him seriously, «You have to believe that everything will be alright.»

«I… I will!» the boy exclaimed.

His mother hugged him, smiling sadly. And the doctor hurried on, thinking of how many of those there were: for whom the surgery suite was the last hope.

The operation was over, Rie was moved to the intensive care unit which was a regular thing, and Herman was allowed to see her immediately, so he could make sure his girl was alive. Every day Rie became closer to the boy, like a hand, for example; he just couldn’t imagine being separated from her. Both his mother and father understood that. After all, the girl loved him in a way that happened only in fairytales.

Then, I opened my eyes, and there was Herman. He was caressing me and saying something in a quiet voice, but I could hear it anyway. Because I wasn’t dreaming – he was calling me his love and his dearest. I immediately became so happy, it was just impossible to tell how much! So I smiled at Herman, at my mother, at my father, at the doctor, and even at the lady… I couldn’t get up, but I wouldn’t lie down without my fiancé, and I got ready to cry. The kind doctor stroked me and said it was okay. And I understood what «okay’ meant only when they took me away from… this… well, where I was lying and put me into the bed, and they immediately made a bed for Herman near me, so that I wouldn’t cry.

It turned out that I was very, very important here too. That surprised me so much that I asked again, and the lady nurse smiled and caressed me. Was that an answer?

«That’s the answer, love,» my boy explained to me. «You are very important because it is you.»

«I love you,» I told him because I did, «You’re the best!»

«My miracle,» my fiancé smiled. «You’re mine, and I won’t give you to anyone else.»

«Don’t give me to anyone, please,» I asked him.

He promised he would never do that, and I became very happy again. Because I had Herman. And he had me. And we also had Mummy and Daddy, they were the best and would never betray us… I believed…

It healed well, the doctor said, because they put a special machine on my feet, but I didn’t remember its name. And Herman said I couldn’t look at my feet yet, and I didn’t because I was very obedient, just very, even my fiancé said I was obedient and sweet and also beloved. He started telling me that a lot which made my chest swell and I wanted to smile more and more.

Somehow, suddenly I stopped being a crybaby… Maybe it was because I was going to walk? I knew that because Herman said so. And when my legs healed, I had to have a massage and Herman caressed me; it felt so good, just to the point of purring, right. One day, I found that I had hair growing «there’ and I was very scared. I asked Mum why it was growing, and Mum smiled, saying that I was getting ready to be a young lady.

«Herman, is that good or bad?» I immediately asked my fiancé.

He was a little confused, but then he said it was okay. We were not shy with each other anyway, even though we were growing up, because we were family. Well, I think so, and Herman just smiled and told me how good I was. He was the real miracle of my life. I guess I live because I have him.

«Do your legs hurt?» Dr. Marconi asked me, and I honestly told him that they did. He scolded me again because I didn’t tell him right away but very gently, I didn’t even feel like crying. «You’ll be fine, you’ll be able to walk.»

Two weeks went by, and one day, they showed me my legs which didn’t hurt. There were scars on them, but that was okay because Herman liked everything, and that’s the most important thing. Now I needed to be massaged and trained, and then… Then one day, I could stand up. On my own! I would stand and hold my Herman like in a dream because he was my miracle. The most wonderful miracle in the world. I was happy.

We were leaving, but I didn’t cry because I knew I would walk, I would definitely walk. And also dance, because the good Dr. Marconi had fixed my legs. Wasn’t that a blessing? Right. And Herman, he was probably even happier than me because we had each other and would always do. Both Daddy and Mummy agreed that it would always be like this because it was Herman!

 
* * *
 

Winter flew by and then, one beautiful day… Very beautiful, no doubt about it, something happened that I remembered forever. I was lifted to my feet! I stood holding on to Herman and I cried. I was just weeping, I didn’t know why, because Herman was holding me and I was hugging him, almost hanging on him, and crying. Everything around me was so frightening because I felt very, very high, unusually.

«My little girl, my miracle,» my Herman whispered to me.

He understood. How could it be otherwise, it was Herman, after all! I couldn’t believe I was standing… Too bad it wasn’t for long, but the most important thing was that I could stand! I! Could! Stand!

«Good girl, sweetheart,» Daddy caressed me, «You’re going to do great!»

And Mummy cried with me. She was happy too.

I had long forgotten that Daddy and Mummy weren’t my real family because they really were. They loved me so much! I had never imagined it was possible to love them so much. Sometimes I thought I loved Herman less, but Mummy said it was different because I was their little daughter. How much tenderness is in that single word! Probably not everyone will be able to understand it because there are girls who are used to having a mummy and daddy who love them as if there were only a daughter or son in the world, but I… It was a miracle, just believe me, a real miracle…

It wasn’t long before I could stand for a whole minute. But then, one day I suddenly felt sad. Somehow I felt sad and empty, I thought I would never be able to walk again, and that I was dreaming all that. And then I saw in my dream that I was Mariana again and I was being beaten again, only not my bottom but… somewhere else. It hurt so much that I screamed and opened my eyes, but it was as if the dream had come with me: I pissed myself with something dark and I was terrified and… I don’t remember.

I woke up in some panties, some strange kind of panties. Herman hugged me, and Mummy caressed my head. As soon as I woke up, they gave me a pill and told me it would go away. It turned out that I had me-nar-che¹⁷. I didn’t understand at first what it was and why it hurt so much, but Mommy explained that all girls get this once a month and it meant I was getting better. Because a girl becomes a whole girl, getting ready to make a baby. True, it was still a long way to wait for the baby, but now I had to learn not to be scared of blood «from there’. Turned out I scared Herman a lot with my screaming, so I apologized for a long time.

«I’m sorry, I’m sorry,» I hugged my fiancé because I was really scared.

«It’s all right, my little one.»

Herman was very pale, but he wasn’t angry with me. I didn’t know why.

«I didn’t do it on purpose,» I told him.

My fiancé laughed, and Mummy laughed too, and Daddy smiled after that too. That meant they were not angry at me, I even asked Daddy.

«It’s normal to menstruate, sweetheart,» Daddy answered and smiled again. «You have nothing to apologize for, no one is angry with you for that.»

«Don’t you believe me?» Herman pretended to be offended, but I heard a smile in his voice, and when someone is offended, one cries, not smiles.

And I smiled too…

For five days, «there’ and my tummy hurt, but the pills helped, so I tried not to cry, and I was praised and hugged. Then it was over, Herman washed me because I was afraid to touch «there’, and then Mommy came and told me about the pads because I couldn’t use tampons, and as for pads, they stick to panties and drink the blood that pours out of me. But it was no big deal because all girls have it, so I didn’t have to be afraid. And I wasn’t afraid because Mummy said so. That’s why I was smiling. And Mummy told me how to properly take care of myself and how to wash because I would walk and I would need it. For sure!

Rehabilitation

I wish I could say I just got up and walked, but it wasn’t that easy. First, there was gymnastics. There are two kinds: passive and active. Passive is when my legs are moved and I do nothing. Herman lifted my legs and it was painful at first, not too much, but still because they lost the habit… And massage… they had to massage forcefully so that something didn’t stagnate there, I don’t remember what. Every day, Herman massaged me, and Daddy did too, but Mommy didn’t because it was hard. And then the active gymnastics started…

«I’m tired. May I just stay in the wheelchair?» I almost cried, but Herman tried to encourage me.

«You can’t give up, love,» he whispered to me and kissed me so softly and gently that it gave me strength. «Let’s try again, shall we?»

«I can’t go on,» I whimpered like a little girl when I had no strength left, but my fiancé… I felt so lucky to have him!

«One more time and then I’ll massage you,» he promised me, and he always kept his promises.

My muscles resisted and ached so much that I cried. But it was very necessary. If it hadn’t been for Herman, I would have given up, even Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t have helped, I guess. He somehow found words and kissed me… And once he even kissed me on the lips, and I felt so happy…

It was still very hard. It took me about three months to stand up and take my first step. Healthy girls might not understand, but it was the first step! The very first one, and I did it! My Herman held my hands in his hands and my daddy had my back and I… I did it! It may have been a small first step, but I understood I’d walk! Do you hear that, people? I would be walking!

And then, I had to walk forward, but I already knew I could, so I walked. Step by step, holding my fiancé’s hands. And Mummy cried when she saw me walking. I cried, too. At first, I cried over happiness, over the fact that I could do it. Later, over fatigue, over the pain, and the weight… But Herman helped me walk. Again, he was trying to calm me down, looking for the right words…

«I love you,» I told him and almost fell down.

But my fiancé held me. And he helped me walk again.

«I love you,» he replied.

And I knew he did because it was my Herman!

«I’m so happy to have you,» I confessed to him, and he hugged me tightly, and I was happy.

Even though it still hurt to walk, I was so happy! In the evening, I told Mummy that I was very, very happy because I had Herman, and her, and Daddy. She cried and said I was the biggest miracle in the world.

Every day I had to walk a little. I stayed in the wheelchair for the rest of the time because if I had walked a lot, my heart wouldn’t have liked it, my eyes would get dark and I would choke. The lessons were still with the oxygen because Daddy didn’t like the way my heart reacted. But Herman and I believed that everything would be fine. Because it just couldn’t be otherwise.

And then, I turned thirteen. I couldn’t believe that I was alive and that I was walking. Not much, but I was walking! And that was just unspeakable happiness. Mummy and Daddy took some time off from work and got us excused from school (because you need to request to be excused from school even if you’re homeschooled) so that we could spend a week in Italy where there were the sea, lots of sand, and the kind angel doctor who saved me. I even walked for him a little bit, and he smiled so much that I wanted to cry, and I cried, of course, because I was sometimes a crybaby, not as often as I used to, but I was like that and I didn’t want to do anything about it. Because Herman allowed me, right! I felt like I had grown older, but for my fiancé, I was ready to be what he wanted me to be. Because Herman was the most important person in my life. After all, by letting me be his fianceé, he saved me at the very beginning when I was afraid of everything.

Daddy and Mummy spent their savings and even took a loan to get me back on my feet. It was… It was a miracle, I had probably never seen people like that. And Mummy explained to me that you can turn around both heaven and earth for the sake of your children. And money doesn’t matter, because it’s me that matters… Could I have thought three years ago that I would be important?

«Let’s go swimming,» Herman suggested to me.

It was very hot in Italy that year, so we were allowed to swim.

«Yes, my love,» I answered him because it was true.

I got up from the wheelchair with effort and walked slowly by his side to the splashing strip of water. It was hard to walk on the sand, but I could do it, and then the sea hugged my legs. And Herman’s hands hugged my tummy. And I was happy again because it was him…

We splashed around in the water and I didn’t feel bad at all, but then I couldn’t get out properly. It made me really scared, and I pissed myself, but one couldn’t see that in the sea. When I’m scared I get really small and when I’m not, I get really big. But then I got scared, there was trouble and I also cried, and Herman… He picked me up in his arms. It was hard for him, I could see it, but he carried me to the wheelchair and smiled. It was such a miracle…

 
* * *
 

At the clinic, Dr. Marconi said that I was good and that I would do well, I just needed to come back every year. It was so joyful: I was good because the doctor, who was like an angel to everyone like me, said so. Then I saw a little girl in a wheelchair in the hall. She looked very confused. Her mother was standing next to her and caressing her. When you see that kind of tenderness, it must be a mother for sure. The girl was almost crying, so I came up to her in my wheelchair and got out of it to sit beside her.

«Don’t be afraid,» I told this new girl, «The doctor is an angel, he will help you.»

«I believe it,» she replied.

My mother told her mother about me. And there were smiles on everyone’s faces. Because that was happiness.

We returned to Germany and almost immediately Daddy received a letter. He read it and then told me that there would be a surprise. I loved surprises, and I also loved being small. Sometimes I thought I would be like that forever, but Herman said I shouldn’t think about it, because everything will come in its own time. I don’t think about it now because I feel so good. It’s still hard for me to walk, very hard, I should say, but my dad told me not to overload my heart and… oops! The doctor said I just had to have a baby one day. I will be able to do it! I was so happy, and I thought he understood my happiness.

So, about the surprise. One morning, we got into my mother’s car and drove somewhere far away. I didn’t ask where because it was a surprise. I couldn’t ask, or else the surprise would spoil and Dad would get upset. I can’t upset Dad, I can’t upset Mum, and I totally can’t upset Herman. So we were on our way, and I was looking forward to it. Any surprise from my parents and Herman was a joy, even… But I shouldn’t have thought about the belt, Herman forbade me, he said: «Don’t even think about it.» By that point, I must have gotten used to the fact that I was very important and I wouldn’t be beaten, because those who are loved so much don’t get beaten. Even if it’s a punishment… Daddy said there was nothing to punish me for, and Mummy just caressed me.

We were riding and I was snuggling up to Herman. Because of the exercises, I sometimes got leg cramps, it hurt, and sometimes it was hard to breathe, so we had a portable concentrator for that. By the way, it became easier to pronounce difficult words, and I didn’t forget them anymore as I used to. This made my parents and Herman very happy. Daddy did something to make me their daughter, but later, Herman and I can still get married if… if he wants. When I think that he might not want it, I cry. Daddy saw me cry and even asked me about it, and then scolded me and asked me to trust my fiancé. I promised because it was Herman.

We arrived at some town and checked into a hotel to feed me and then to sleep. Because of me, Daddy drove slowly because I could get carsick. While others would cover this distance in three hours, it took us almost all day, but I no longer thought I was crazy or wrong because I was special to Mummy and Daddy. And with Herman, I was the best, he said so himself. And my fiancé… He’s my life, my soul, and without him, there’s no Rie.

We stayed at the hotel, ate, and went to bed. I wondered what surprise Dad had in store for me. Herman lay beside me and told me how good I was, how much he loved me, and then I told him that he was my… everything. Everything in the world. We hugged and even kissed. In an adult way, my fiancé taught me! I was just floating in tenderness because it was him. And I… We were together forever, that’s what Herman said, and how can you not believe him?

 
* * *
 

The morning started like every regular morning would: first, toilet, which was important because I could fail to hold because of the tension, gymnastics, massage, the pills before breakfast, breakfast, the pills after breakfast, gymnastics again, a little walk, massage, shower, and… And off we went to our surprise. All the way, Daddy was convincing me not to worry too much because my heart might not be happy. I said I would try very hard.

We came up to a regular house with a smiling lady standing on the doorstep. She watched me being taken out and moved because I couldn’t do it myself straight away after the car: I had to be massaged first and then I could walk around a bit. But Daddy said we were visiting, so there was no need to torture me. For some reason, Herman began to convince me to agree to the oxygen, and I agreed. It was strange: I would never argue with him because I was obedient, but that day, I got nervous for some reason. Probably because of the surprise.

I was taken closer to the woman and we got acquainted. Dad was smiling so cunningly that it made me feel uneasy.

«Gabriella Schmidt, Herman Stiller,» Dad said, pointing at us.

I could see that the woman was very surprised. Her eyes got big and round, like an owl’s eyes, maybe.

«Children, let me introduce you,» Mummy smiled, «Annemarie von Krzysztof».

I almost choked in amazement but the concentrator prevented me from doing so. This was the lady who wrote the books about the boy who was abused¹⁸. Everyone entered the house and I rode beside her and asked for permission to touch her. Miss Anne (that’s what she asked me to call her) said she was writing a story about a boy, but she didn’t know how we knew about it because no one had seen the book yet.

I told her about the little girl who was not wanted. I described Mariana’s life story and everyone cried, even Herman, who held me close to him. Miss Anne said she didn’t know how bad it was to be not wanted. Then Dad remembered how I had been frightened by the name Schmidt, and everyone laughed merrily. We talked for a long time. Herman and I talked about how hard it had been for me at first, and how happy I had been about not being a magician. Then, the lady got serious and asked me if the fairytale was really so scary. And I… I cried. Because I’d agree to have both fenke and lindworm as long as there were Mummy and Daddy, and I’d even settle for Fafnir for Herman. The lady said she would try to make the love real.

So, that was a surprise from my daddy. He must have completely calmed me down. There was no room in the world for Willy’s adventures, he remained a fairytale. A few years later, I received a book by mail with a letter from Miss Anna, although we had corresponded and met before that. She wished me happiness, and I told her I was already happy because I had a family and the most important person in my life was my Herman.