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CHAPTER One

Adaptation of the novel "The Golden Calf" by Ilf and Petrov

KISA (Kisa), Holy Father Fyodor, Niletto, and the Street sweeper are sitting at a table in Kandeyka, drinking. Isaac enters. Everyone turns around and freezes in anticipation, with stupid expressions on their faces.

ISAAC

Well, what, homeless people, have you been bored?

KISA

I haven't.

ISAAC

Well, you're different. Vekh was messed up by his mother-in-law. And she just fucked us over, in your face.

Street sweeper

And I'm glad! Now, at least, I won't hear your whining. Isaac is back in charge and he's going to make something happen. Isn't that right?

Isaac

How can I say?

Street sweeper

Otherwise, why did you come to me?

ISAAC

You're right, Street sweeper. To you, not to these Nobs who've settled here for free, like orphans in an orphanage. Why are they hanging around? Is this a club for anonymous losers? Do they pay you for your room?

STREET SWEEPER

No, they're still eating at my expense. Well, except for Niletto. At least he helps sweep the yards in the morning.

KISA

The Street sweeper, well, we had an agreement that as soon as I get back on my feet, I'll give you everything?

ISAAC

And what did the priest promise you, a ticket to Heaven?

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Don't blaspheme, Satan!

ISAAC

Whose cow is mooing. You bought your cross, the saint? Take an example from Niletto. Silent and seems smarter.

Street sweeper

Isaac, I'm sorry, but Hackeris mine.

ISAAC

Of course, Street sweeper. What are we talking about? You should, not your vassal.

Isaac approaches the table in a bossy manner, throws Father Fyodor off the chair, and sits down himself. He throws his legs over the corner of the table like an American.

ISAAC (continued)

Well, gentlemen, do you want to make easy money? Then listen and don't interrupt. I'll be in charge, and I'll be accompanied by the Street sweeper.

KISA

What does he have to do with it?

Holy Father Fyodor

I'm out. But I'll listen, out of curiosity. Maybe I'll agree.

ISAAC

Yes, please. There's no secret in anything.

KISA, himself the Street sweeper, his slave hacker Hackerand, of course, ISAAC are sitting at the table in the candelabra. ISAAC is sitting in the most trumped-up place and his legs are on the corner of the tabletop, next to the bottle of alcohol.

ISAAC

A new insurance company "Albatros" has opened in our city. And guess who the owner is?

Isaac takes a newspaper out of his shirt and shows the ad. The Street sweeper takes out his Iphone and dials a number.

ISAAC (continued)

Oh, Iphone? Street sweeper, where grabbed?

STREET SWEEPER

And this is the worker … Ale. girl, this is the company Albatros? I'm on the ad. You call GIRL. Okay. You insure against accidents? … I work on construction.

GIRL

(in the screen)

Yes. But the preliminary contribution is 2000 rubles, and in case of death, relatives can be paid 1000000 rubles. And so if sick, then sick leave and monetary compensation.

ISAAC

(Street sweeper)

Ask what will give for the fracture?

STREET SWEEPER

And if a fracture, construction as no less?!

GIRL

For fractures of varying severity, you can receive between 5,000 and 500,000 rubles.

STREET SWEEPER

Holy shit. No questions asked, we insure Hackerand break his little finger first by accident. Especially since he's currently working on the construction site in my place.

ISAAC

Does Hackerknow how to build?

STREET SWEEPER

Nah. He's a programmer. He just helps me clean up the construction site from debris. The owner, Bruns, pays well.

HACKER

(frightened)

I'm against it.

KISA

What?

HACKER

I don't want anything to be broken.

STREET SWEEPER

Who asked you?! Have you forgotten about the eternal debt?

And the Street sweeper throws himself at Hackerwith his fists.

STREET SWEEPER (continued)

I'll remind you. At the same time, I'll break your finger.

HACKER

(crying)

I agree, just get him away from me. I need to take some painkillers before this.

ISAAC

(laughing)

STREET SWEEPER, stop. Do I need to insure it first? Where can I get the down payment? Oh! Wiper WINOKUR, how about we borrow your iPhone for a while? And you can tell the office that it's in repair?

WINEMAKER DOORKEEPER

That's a stupid question.

KITTY

At least we'll have some starting capital, and we can open a storefront in the market again. Sorry, Isaac, for not trusting you.

ISAAC

Forget about it… So, let's insure Niletto's brother. Who's in favor? Oh, and Father Fyodor is also signed up.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

So, it's easier to endure pain with God. What if he dies of pain, and I immediately confess him? And then, I must also return the church lands and the cross.

HACKER

What?

ISAAC

No one will die. Pop is joking. We'll break you once or twice, so that you have enough money to buy Lepsy's point at the casino.

KITTY

Isaac, just don't be tempted yourself. The casino is contagious.

ISAAC

Don't worry about me. It's better for him… He'll run away as soon as he gets out of here. And he might even give it up. What we need is for him to voluntarily go to the insurance company and insure himself. And then come back here.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

My son, Hacker. Jesus endured and commanded us to do the same. You have been sent to save us. Do not look at these hypocrites. They are the dregs of humanity.

KISA

(in a frenzy)

What did you say?

ISAAC

(to LEPS)

Calm down, Leps . Calm down.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

It's not this world that we should value, but the other. The world of our God. You must do this, for it is written that the savior will come and give himself to Satan, and your soul will be in heaven. I have already redirected it. And the more you endure pain, the closer you will be to God when you die.

ISAAC

(to the priest NSHAN)

Listen, why don't you go with him to the office? And make sure he does everything correctly. And then you're in the game?! The main thing is that everything is done according to the law. I won't tolerate any criminal activity.

HACKER

I will agree with you Isaac, if you give me a tooth that will return my computer.

Street sweeper

And me Iphone.

Isaac

Of course, because we will need the Internet and communication, for further promotion. I have a grand idea, and the finger is only the first step.

Girl, Hackerand Holy Father Fyodor sits at the table. The printer is printing. Girl takes the papers from the printer and passes them to Niletto.

GIRL

Here are the checkmarks, sign your name.

Hackerlooks at Father Fyodor.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Do what you're told.

Hackersigns and passes the papers to the girl.

GIRL

Holy Father, will you also insure your life?

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

No. Just I am his godfather.

GIRL

Well, all, congratulations, here is your insurance pole of our insurance company.

In kandeyka sit: Isaac, KISA, Holy Father Fyodor, and Street sweeper with Niletto, who has a bandaged ring finger, enter. Street sweeper takes an envelope from his chest and hands it to Isaac. Isaac takes the envelope and looks inside.

ISAAC

What is this?

STREET SWEEPER

It's an insurance policy.

ISAAC

Have you already taken yours?

HACKER

No, of course not! All 20,000 are there.

KISA

Wow, and that's just for a finger? What would they give Hackerif he broke his leg?

HACKER

Maybe it's your turn to be a victim? You're just talking nonsense, licking Isaac's ass, and making mistakes.

KISA

Who are you drooling over, you little shmuck?

ISAAC

Calm down, Leps, sit down. You need to respect and tolerate investors in your own way.

(Hacker)

And you're being punished for sabotaging the team. If you want a computer, break whatever you want, buy a computer, and get the fuck out of here. Leps can still make money without you.

HACKER

No, wait, Isaac. You misunderstood. I was just being a guy. Stop pinching me. I can also shove a toothpick in his ear while he's sleeping and clear his mind.

Everyone laughs.

Street sweeper

Well, what do you, in fact, do not see that the boy rises.

Isaac

And this is correct, but you have to know where to roar and where to bark… Okay… Forgot. So Leps write yourself in a notebook, 5000 minus on the Iphone and 10000 – to buy a computer with the Internet.

Holy Father Fyodor

5000? You said you pawned your Iphone for 2000?

ISAAC

And the interest, and don't you care, eh, pop?

Holy Father Fyodor

Well, just then you need to break something else?

ISAAC

And I'm about?

Everyone looks at Niletto.

HACKER

Why are you looking at me like that?

Hackeris lying on a bed in the ward, half-sitting, with a plastered leg and a bandaged finger. A laptop is on his groin, and he's looking at something on it.

CHAPTER Two

Sitting at a street table: Isaac, KISA and Holy Father Fyodor. All have a glass of plain water.

ISAAC

By the way, about childhood. As a child, I killed people like you on the spot with a slingshot.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Why, boss?

GRIGORII LEPES

Another sycophant has appeared. Only I can call Isaac boss.

ISAAC

These are the harsh laws of life. Life dictates its own harsh laws. Why did you go to the casino, Father? Didn't you get enough punishment from the parishes?

Holy Father Fyodor

I thought, boss…

KISA

Well, you look at this ass.

ISAAC

You thought! You thinker? What is your name, thinker? Jean-Jacques Rousseau? Marcus Aurelius? Spinoza? Okay, live. I forgive you.

Holy Father Fyodor

Much obliged, boss…

ISAAC

KISA, shut up. My ass, for kissing will be enough for all… Let's get acquainted, and then we never had, in pursuit of mother-in-law's brulikami.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

You're right, boss. As it is, we are brothers in Christ…

Approaches the Street sweeper with a broom and a dustpan. He sits down next to me.

ISAAC

You wanted to say, we are the brothers, not the tops, and kinship obliges. My name is Isaac Isaac. Let me know your first name?

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Father Mikhail, and according to the passport: HOLY FATHER FYODOR.

ISAAC

Leps ? Cool… I do not ask about the profession, I guess, something intellectual. Are there many trials this year?

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Two… And that Satan was confused. In the casino lost a pectoral gold cross and church lands.

ISAAC

It's not good. It's a vulgar occupation, to sue. I mean thefts. It's a sin to steal, especially church. Your mother introduced you to this doctrine? Besides, it's a pointless waste of energy. Look, do you see a man in a straw hat walking over there?

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

I do. And what?

ISAAC

Is this the governor of the island of Borneo?

STREET SWEEPER

No. This is the owner of a butcher shop.

An iPhone beeps. Isaac looks and immediately smiles.

KISA

What's that?

ISAAC

Hi from Niletto. His insurance has been credited to my account. 200,000 rubles.

VINOKUR THE DOORKEEPER

Can we order something? I'm hungry.

ISAAC

Go and order whatever you like, and tell them to pay by card. Have them bring the terminal over here.

street sweeper gets up and walks away.

KITTY

I've been thinking about something, boss. If the janitor breaks WINOKUR in the same way as Niletto, there will be a constant income.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

And if you kill him right away, you can make a lot of money.

ISAAC

You're both fools, the fools' children, and your children will be fools. Boys! What happened wasn't even an episode, it was an accident. A gentleman in search of a hundred thousand. What kind of profession is it to break your comrades' bones so you can eat a big meal at their expense? A hundred poods, the Street sweeper now will order a ham with smoked sausages.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

And what to do?

KISA

Yes, already?

ISAAC

A year or two, and then your red curls will become familiar and you will simply beat.

At the street table sit: Isaac, KISA and Holy Father Fyodor. All have an empty glass. The Street sweeper returns with a tray of a kilogram piece of pork belly and sausages laid out in a circle. Behind him comes the waiter with a mobile terminal. The Street sweeper puts the tray in the middle and sits down satisfied in his place.

STREET SWEEPER

Vo, shcha as obozhremesya?!

THE OFFICER

Maybe you'd like to order something else, a drink, for example.

ISAAC

Yes. Whiskey, Coca-Cola, and Borodinsky bread.

KITTY

And some baked potatoes.

Isaac pays, and the waiter leaves.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

How can you earn a living without insurance?

ISAAC

It is necessary to think. Me, for example, only ideas feed.

The taxi driver arrives.

TAXI DRIVER

(shouts)

Eh, I'll give you a ride! Citizens, the taxi is free! Please get in! Prices are reduced by 10-12%! If you don't want to, you'll regret it! I swear by my mother!

The taxi driver drives away.

ISAAC

Keep in mind that I will require a variety of small services for every vitamin I feed you. I see that you have a selfless love for money. Tell me, what amount do you like? Let's start with Father Fyodor.

Holy Father Fyodor

40,000.

ISAAC

Per month?

Holy Father Fyodor

Per year.

ISAAC

We're on different paths. I need 500,000 in one go, not in installments.

YARD WORKER WINOCUR

Maybe you could take it in installments?

ISAAC

I would take it in installments, but I need it right away.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Why do you need so much money right away?

ISAAC

Actually, I need more, 500 thousand is my minimum. I want to leave, Comrade Leps. To go far away, to Rio de Janeiro.

KISA

Do you have relatives there?

ISAAC

Do I look like a man who can have relatives? I have no relatives, I am alone in the world. I had a great-grandfather, the son of the Turkish subject Ostap Suleiman-Berta-Maria-Isaac-bey, but long ago died in terrible convulsions. I want to go to Rio de Janeiro since childhood, like him. And I became Mikhailov when the reds came.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

It is clear.

WINEMAKER'S DOORKEEPER

It's hereditary.

ISAAC

Of course, you don't know about the existence of this city?

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

How could I not know? You really think I'm an idiot.

Isaac swipes his iPhone screen and shows the priest a photo gallery of Rio de Janeiro. Pop Nshan looks at the screen in admiration.

ISAAC

Here. Check it out, holy father.

HOLY FATHER FYODOR

Pardon… The population of the city of Rio de Janeiro for 2021 is 6,453,682 people… Wow?!

ISAAC

Rio de Janeiro is one of the 110 cities in Brazil and is the 2nd most populous city in Brazil and on the ocean. The main streets are as rich in shops as the first cities in the world. You can imagine, Nshan, they don't give up! Mulattoes, millionaires, coffee exports! An annual carnival where most of the population dresses up in various costumes and takes to the streets. It lasts for five days: from Friday to Tuesday before Lent in the largest city in Brazil.

KISA

And everyone is having sex in masks… I also want to go there! But where will you get 500 thousand?

ISAAC

Wherever. Show me a rich individual, and I will take away his money.

Street sweeper

How? Murder?

ISAAC

You know, Street sweeper, you are getting dumber right before your eyes. Note, Isaac-Isaac never killed anyone. He was killed – it was, but he himself is clean before the law. I am not a cherub, I have no wings, but I honor the Criminal Code. This is my weakness.