I live in a small village in Gloucestershire with the man I fell in love with, virtually at first sight. We were at a party and our eyes met across a crowded room! My days are spent with characters who become friends and Mr Tiggs, a feline with catitude. I always knew that one day I would write romantic novels, but I never dreamed they would have a psychic twist! I’ve experienced many ‘unexplainable’ things, but it took a long time for me to accept the reality of what that means. Love, life and beyond…but it’s ALWAYS about the romance!

I would like to thank Kim, Heidi, Kate, JB, Erin, Susan, Shaz, Charlotte, Dizzy C, Nikki and Tobi for valued feedback and support - love you guys! Also Mandy for being a listening ear and for her constant support and guidance.

To my friends and colleagues at Loveahappyending Lifestyle emagazine - writers who share their knowledge and from whom I've learnt so much!

To all of the HarperImpulse team - for your energy, enthusiasm and the buzz you create that writers and readers are loving so much!

Lastly I have to thank 'my rock', Lawrence, without you by my side I wouldn't be able to devote all of my time to writing …

Ceri

Prologue

The Ethereal Pathway

I’m in a tunnel. It’s dark and yet little rays, like pinpricks of sunshine breaking through foliage, seep towards me from every angle. Too minute to light my path, I wonder if they are really threads drawing me along in case I lose my way. My body is cold and I feel disconnected, as if I’m no longer whole. Alex is calling my name, his voice distant. I want to find my way back to him but I’m being coaxed away, carried on a wave of light within a dark place. Am I dreaming? Will this moment pass and then I’ll simply wake up next to Alex, content in the knowledge that the future stretches out ahead of us?

Fear takes control of my mind. I want to go back. I’m frightened and I don’t want to be in this place. It seems I am incapable of doing anything and the fact that I don’t have a choice is terrifying.

Ceri’s journey continues…

Chapter One – Transition

Something instinctive tells me that I have to make some sense of this quickly. The memory I have of the past is draining away, like sand running through a sieve into a black hole. Fragments of thoughts that are clear one moment, then hazy before my mind can play each one through to a conclusion. Is someone trying to erase my past, one memory at a time? Why have I been pulled into this vortex where time doesn’t seem to be relative to anything?

I try to concentrate. What’s the last thing I can remember? The sunshine was streaming in through the window and I turned over to find Alex lying next to me. My world felt complete and I was happier than I had been in a long while. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Alex would love me forever, no matter what the future held. Someone told me I was an angel, but I can only recall the voice and not the face of the person speaking to me. Was it Alex? There was a warning… yes! The voice told me that Alex and I were not destined to be together and we had broken one of the cardinal rules: angels don’t fall in love with their spirit helpers.

I feel as if I’m being pulled in two directions at the same time. Which way should I turn? I realise that I’m no longer attached to my earthly shell. The next part of my journey has begun.

My heart cries out for Alex, for his love. I won’t let go, I won’t let go…

Chapter Two – The Healing

As my confusion lifts it’s like peeling back layers of old paint. Each layer reveals something new and the deeper I delve, the closer I’m getting to the truth. I never believed Ethan Morris’s words when he put forward his theory that I was an angel. Wouldn’t I know if that were the case? Now I’m here – wherever it is – I’m not so sure, because this is such a weird experience. Have I died? Or maybe I’m in a coma. All I know for sure is I’ve never experienced anything like this before.

There is a strange feeling of familiarity I can’t explain, though, a sense of knowing this place. I’m no longer scared, merely waiting for what comes next. I don’t think this is the first time I’ve been in this situation. Have I come home to the place where I truly belong?

It isn’t an unpleasant feeling, this sense of disconnection. It’s rather restful. Time and space don’t seem relevant anymore but I feel protected, as if someone is watching over me and guiding me along. Maybe I’ve been in an accident and I’m unconscious. That might be the reason why I can’t feel anything in relation to my body. I try to reach out with my thoughts, hoping someone is listening and will engage with me. I can’t seem to…

It hits me as hard as running into a brick wall. My head is suddenly full of a million thoughts. Memories whizz through my mind so fast and yet each one is familiar and meaningful.

Ethan was right.

I want to cry out in anguish as Alex’s face appears before me. I find myself trying to reach out into the darkness, then realise none of this is physical. I’m in a void where there is nothing except my thoughts and memories. This is where our spirit returns when we are in transition: that place of nothingness where we rest.

All mental blocks are lifted. I remember that as an angel sent to administer on the earth plane, my vibration is restricted for a reason. All knowledge falls away and only a sense of knowing allows me to fulfil my allotted tasks. I remember little on my return here each night, when my earthly energy is in deep sleep, because that is the rule. My place and purpose in the universe is all-consuming. I now understand that a small part of me is bound to the earth until that part of my destiny is played out. It is only here that I can see the true nature of everything.

Then there is a presence. It’s one I know and love dearly: someone who has been with me since my earliest memory. Each energy has its own unique identity, like an aura, but crossing the divide between the planes changes things. Here, everything is constant and our minds link with ease.

“You have a purity that means you are special. Few angels are chosen to touch the earth and carry out their work on that plane. We trust in you to rise above the burdens that weigh down souls in their mortal life. We know there are no guarantees and so many things can go wrong. All you can do is to be receptive and hold on to the knowledge that you are different.”

“But what if I fail?” I ask, fearful of the unknown. Of all of the tasks I have been given, this seems the hardest. I’d heard so many tales about the coldness of human life, of the hardship and stark reality… which I now understood with heart-breaking consequences. I knew there was beauty too, of course, even before I set foot there. Few angels ever talked about an earthly life, our vibration being on a different level to those energies who work tirelessly there.

There is so much more to the state of being than touching earth, no matter how many times some souls make the journey. Here, we gravitate towards like-minded energies. The level at which we work is irrelevant as there is no status, only purpose. I’ve enjoyed so many sectors of being: the nearer I draw to the core, the more I become a part of the whole and a little more of ‘me’ is lost. I wonder if I am destined for the highest honour, whether I am a splinter of the Source.

Of course, no one knows for sure that splinters really exist. Wider knowledge can only be given when it’s appropriate. I believe that splinters will only gain that understanding when there is a call-back: a time when the Source of all being chooses to reunite all of the elements to its core. That would effect a critical change upon the universe, which I’m led to believe has only happened a few times. The Source of us all is benevolent.

On some planes, like earth, the decision was made that energy has to learn from making bad choices as well as good. Core change ripples outwards and whilst it will bring great joy to some, to others it will bring misery. Humans have affected the planet around which their lives revolve and there are serious consequences. It has upset the balance of things and it seems to be a pattern that is repeated, like a never ending circle. The only way to ensure earth continues is for change to be implemented at the highest level, to help redress the imbalance.

The next core change will be to bring back something that has been lost: closeness to the inner-self and the intuitive nature within all humans. On the ethereal plane we have all sensed this with growing concern. I feel I am destined to be a part of implementing that wider change. How exactly, I have no idea. There are times when I know things I can’t possibly have learnt, things that come naturally to me.

I struggle to recall my memories, but transitioning back to my higher level energy now is draining and I have to be patient. It’s a time of healing and when I’m recovered all will be revealed to me. A human’s face appears in my consciousness for one brief moment and I feel a sharp stab of pain.

Do I know this man?

***

Healing is a time of rest, a time to wander with no agenda and I’m not totally comfortable with the sense of freedom and disconnection. It’s often interesting, of course, merely watching other energies and souls as they go about their work. It too can be a beneficial part of the learning process, but I worry as there is still so much work to be done.

On my vibration level there are many I do not know and it’s always a blessing to find myself travelling through space filled with new and interesting energies. There is so much to learn! But the best experience of all is when I’m with my own group. Energies that have been around me since time began. Souls with whom I will ways be linked forever, because in essence we are the same: we are family. Where our future journey will take us, I do not know, only that we will be together. Are we splinters? Will our energy levels become fulfilled to the point where we will have the power to change things? A time when the supreme energy, the centre of the cosmos, will call upon us to help renew the force that holds all the ethereal and life planes together? Are we perpetuity? I seriously doubt that splinters can simply acquire the knowledge. Some of it has to be learnt and developed, because that’s how it works. The group might then come together to harness that power under direction. The idea both excites and frightens me.

Then I remember that I have now touched earth, a part of me is still there and the fact that I’m back in transition means something has gone wrong. I wish I could remember and can only assume that after my time in healing it will become clear.

I only know that I’m experiencing something new. I’ve never had a sensation quite like this, as if a part of me is missing. How can that be? Our essence and energy is one complete mass. Before my trip I didn’t know any different, but now I have this sensation of having left something behind. How strange, or is that how it’s supposed to be? I’m being impatient and I try to let the healing do its work. How I’ve missed the tranquillity of the universe; there is an incredibly harsh edge to life on the earth plane that grates on the soul. Such conflict – beauty and horror; happiness and sadness; love and hate. I wonder how the working energies cope with their many visits, and whether each of their mortal lives is different. With every mission being to help a soul on their life path, do they too return and feel a little part of their own energy has been left behind?

Healing claims me and I revel in the purity of feeling renewed. It blocks out everything else and a sense of peace begins to gather around me.

Chapter Three – Trust

“Ceri?”

A voice floats into my mind, bringing me back into consciousness.

“You are still in transition. The part of you that remains on earth will restrict your consciousness. Your energy is split and will remain so until you are recalled permanently. I will always be with you, until you are fully back with us. The human element sometimes hampers our communication, but I’m by your side every step of the way.”

I fleetingly remember the sensation of this presence, the energy who guides me. It is a feeling of wisdom and I have a desire to please him, to excel simply in order to bask in his approval.

“Have I done something wrong? It seems that way. I thought I’d forgotten, but now I remember. Is it to do with Alex?”

“Yes. We did not take the decision to let you touch the earth plane lightly. You are one of the splinters, and it is necessary for your development. You need to experience the emotions of the human plane if, when your time comes, your energy is going to be a part of renewing the force that controls everything. It isn’t easy and things do go wrong. However, we are confused. Alex is the soul we have chosen to help you move onto the next part of your work on earth. You are destined to channel messages. It is your role to help many on their earthly path towards an understanding of the true nature of spirituality. Without the comfort of those personal messages from their kindred energies here, they will be hampered. Human life is a constant struggle for all believers and this is a vital element linking the two planes.”

“I see. He was helping me, I think. I remember wavering, unsure what to believe. Is that normal for an angel’s earth life?”

“There is no norm, few angels visit earth. It isn’t necessary for their work. In your case, your experience will be enough to inform the kindred group when the time comes. There is only a need to feel those emotions that are peculiar to the earth plane and pass on that experience for understanding. That’s the whole point of human life: extremes. Love here is pure, as are our energies, but to truly understand the whole of creation it is necessary to experience how life develops. Every single thing that happens on the earth plane is very real to the beings experiencing it, although there is no lasting relevance as such. It is simply about learning. Alex is a lesser energy, very young, and a part of his fate is to provide sympathy and comfort while you adjust to your next step on earth. He is merely a spirit helper and will go on to complete his own destiny to allow his energy to grow. You cannot be together Ceri. He never will be on your vibration level. He is not a splinter.”

I feel elated, saddened, and chastised all at the same time. I want to make amends and prove that this was merely an aberration, a period of adjustment when I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. Will I be forgiven?

“There is no need for forgiveness Ceri,” his words fill my head. “Simply follow the path laid out.”

“What happens now?” I feel uncomfortable, unable to understand exactly how this works. A part of me wonders whether it will be as easy as following a path.

“Instead of only returning here when your earthly shell is in a resting state, we’ll adjust the amount of your energy that stays on the earth plane. You will continue to carry out your duties here permanently, but simply be less productive. A part of you will continue to see out your earthly experience until that is due to come to an end.”

“When will that be?”

“Another fifty-two earth years.”

“How will this affect my earthly person? If I’m not there in full strength, will I still be able to fulfil what is required of me? Won’t that hamper my ability to channel messages?” The concern I feel is unsettling.

“No, it will not lessen your psychic ability, as they refer to it on earth. But as you go about your work you will have an awareness of your ethereal existence. We regard this as a situation that isn’t ideal. You might be tempted to share things that are not meant to be known earth-side. The two planes are very different. Human life is a training ground. No more, no less. But it is necessary and it has a purpose. So we’re asking that you consider everything you do there from this point on with the benefit of your wider knowledge. Some of that will simply not make sense down there, Ceri, if you share it with a human.” Hearing him use my earthly name is strange. It’s out of place here.

“I’m not sure I’m strong enough…”

“No one can be sure of anything, until they try. We have ways of limiting damage, but this too is a part of your development. If you change things, then you will have to deal with the consequences. It’s time for you to go back now.”

As the voice floats out of my mind I remember Alex. Why didn’t I ask the question?

How long will Alex be in my life and when will I have to let him go?

Chapter Four – Eyes Wide Open

“Hey, morning sleepy head.” Alex adjusts the duvet, snuggling it around me as I bring myself back. I do a double-take as his head seems to shimmer, his aura clearly visible to me now with my heightened awareness. There is a sense of purity around him and I can’t believe I couldn’t see that before. How did I not recognise he was a helper, a young energy in training?

“Good,” I try to sound calm.

Alex moves around the bedroom tidying things away before heading out the door. The energy radiating from his body resembles electric sparks.

“I’ll make some coffee,” he says over his shoulder as he disappears.

I pull myself up into a sitting position and slump back against the pillows. Oh my God! I really am still here, only it feels different.

The voice comes into my head. “Don’t worry, you are adjusting and things will settle down. Give it time.”

The silence in my head leaves a void which is quickly replaced by a stream of questions I can’t seem to stem. How long will it take? Will Alex notice a difference in me? What should I say to him? I realise I’m in danger of hyperventilating, my hands grabbing onto the duvet and making two fists, the tension radiating up my arms. I lie back, taking a few slow, deep breaths. I close my eyes. Outside I can hear the birds and the faint sound of traffic. Is this the same morning that I was called back to transition, or has time passed here on earth? How will I explain what has happened to Alex?

Suddenly I feel as if someone has placed an arm around my shoulders and there is a sensation of great warmth. I wonder if it’s going to lift me physically from the bed, it’s so intense, but the moment passes. I’m not alone and understanding that helps a little.

Alex returns, humming a tune under his breath. The moment he walks back into the room, two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands, his face breaks out into a radiant smile.

“The first day of the rest of our lives.” He sounds so happy, and I realise that to him there has been no disruption. I send a prayer of thanks out into the ether to my mentor. I need all the help I can get.

I take the coffee mug from him and return his smile. I try my best to match his air of unfettered optimism. “You sound cheerful.”

His fingers brush against mine as he releases the mug. He lingers a moment before drawing away.

“I feel like celebrating,” he muses, as if his mind is churning and he hasn’t yet had time to process what’s happening. He sounds like a kid, really excited and it’s a big deal – he’s about to open his Christmas presents or something. There’s a liveliness about him and he can’t seem to sit still. He walks to the window and looks out into the street.

“I wish I didn’t have to go to work today,” he mutters, more to himself than to me. “You know, I think last night was the first time I didn’t have a bad dream. About us, I mean.”

I’m fascinated by the glow that emanates around his upper body, pulsating gently, softening his outline. The clarity is breathtaking: Alex might not be an angel, but he’s an energy that exudes healing and positivity. I long to get up and throw my arms around him, but I’m not sure my legs would carry me that few feet between the bed and the window. Even lying here, propped up against the pillows, I feel shaky and unsteady. I sip my coffee, hoping the caffeine will do the trick and begin to ground my thoughts.

“You stirred earlier and began talking to me, but you were still dreaming,” he turns to face me, a little furrow on his brow. “Can you remember your dream? You thought something was wrong. I shushed you and you fell back to sleep. You aren’t having dreams about us, are you?” he asks, tentatively, trying to hide his concern.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m fine now, although I think I might be coming down with a sore throat,” I offer, wanting… no, needing to reassure him and stop him dwelling on what happened.

“Good. You would tell me if you thought something was wrong, wouldn’t you? You don’t regret our decision to be together?”

His words are like a bolt of lightning. Now that I am consciously aware of the position we’re in, and with an insight into both existences, how can I answer that question?

“Of course not.” Fortunately my tone is even. I take a large gulp of my coffee to give me a few moments more to adjust.

Alex saunters over to sit down next to me on the bed.

“I want to explain.” His eyes search my face, lovingly, like a gentle kiss. “I only sought out Ethan Morris because I was worried about what my dreams seemed to be telling me. After you asked me to leave I realised that I hadn’t meant any of the words I had thrown at you. I was panicking because I couldn’t figure out why loving you felt so wrong, so selfish. As if I wasn’t putting your interests first, only thinking about what I wanted. When you disappeared I was frantic. All I could think about was whether you were safe and it hurt knowing that my outburst was a knee-jerk reaction to my fear. I know this must all sound a bit weird, Ceri, but I’ve loved you for so long. Since the first day we began working together. It was a long two years, being next to you five days a week and carrying this burden, this feeling that I must not let you know how madly in love I am with you. You kept it professional and I took that to mean you didn’t feel the same way in return. I now understand that it’s hard for you to show anyone the side of you that is different. It’s a gift that makes living your life very hard at times. When you opened up to me and we ended up in bed, I was so happy and so scared. I’m sorry Ceri, you were right, we make our own future. You have a gift and maybe that was freaking me out a little. Ethan believes what he preaches, but who’s to know how it all works? After all, we have free will – it says so in the Bible.”

His words take me by surprise. I realise that when I ran away it must have been a real shock to Alex. I didn’t want to believe what he’d told me about Ethan’s theory either, but all of his concerns seem to have disappeared overnight. Has something changed in Alex that I can’t see? His level of vibration is much lower than an angel’s and he’s not supposed to have conscious knowledge. Maybe his instinctive sensitivity is constantly picking up on what his subconscious is trying to tell him.

How can this work between us, with so much that can’t be said or discussed? How far am I allowed to go before there is a consequence? As my mentor warned, I will then have to handle any changes that occur as a result of my actions. I’ve been talking Alex into believing that we can be together and make a future where we can become more than the sum total of two individuals. Am I now the one backing away? Does Alex sense that this morning? In fairness to us both, I need to think this through a little before I say anymore. I wonder, fleetingly, if the tables have turned. Am I in danger of altering Alex’s future, robbing him of his true destiny in this life if I don’t let him go? I wonder why we feel such a strong bond, which on one level feels so right yet on another so wrong.

“What? What are you thinking? Don’t hide your feelings from me Ceri, that’s all I ask. I’m sorry I panicked, that’s all it was. You are right. Ethan’s theory is only a theory.”

“Let’s take each day as it comes. Try not worry too much about tomorrow for the moment. I’m feeling a little off-colour today…”

“Hey angel,” I love the sense of warmth in his voice as he says that word, “you are my angel, Ceri, beyond any shadow of a doubt. We’ve been through a lot and now it’s our turn to grab some happiness. The thought of losing you completely scared me, even though it was due to my own stupidity.” He places his hand on my cheek, his eyes gazing into mine as if he’s searching for something. “Look, I’m going to be late if I don’t leave for work. We’ll talk about what happened when I get home tonight. Please try to have a relaxing day, you look really tired. I’ll pick up something for that sore throat. See you later.” He stoops to kiss me, lingering a moment to look at me before pulling away. “I never dared to dream this day would come. You’ll still be here when I get back this evening, won’t you?”

It’s an attempt at humour that has a hollow ring to it: he’s scared I’ll change my mind.

“Of course, now go! You can’t be late for work and I mustn’t laze around all day. I need to start job hunting. I’ll be here, promise!”

He turns to face me with the biggest smile on his face and a little thrill courses through my body. As I watch him walk away, I notice that what I always thought of as a sashay was really almost a dancer’s glide. I believed Alex wasn’t interested in women in general, but I’m beginning to see that it was his inherent sensitivity that helped reinforce my opinion. He’s tall, slim and lean, his body isn’t overly-developed but it’s well defined. The way he walks lends an air of femininity and, because his face is so perfect, there’s a sense of him not being quite real. Oh, listen to me! I can see inside him and I know the goodness and selflessness within his core, it’s just unusual for the outside to match the inside. Before my trip back to the ethereal world, if anyone had asked me what a reincarnated angel looks like, I would have given Alex as an example. Thinking about myself, I feel I probably present as someone who is rather nervous and often prefers their own company.

A loud “Huh,” escapes my lips. No one in their right mind would guess I was the angel. What I’m wondering is, how long would Alex have continued to live the life of a monk, hung up because he was in love with me but too scared by his dreams to say anything? His love has a depth that is way above his vibration level. It’s an emotion that I invoke within him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it exists within me too.

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