Читать книгу: «Please Don’t Take My Baby»

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Also by Cathy Glass

Author’s Note

1. Stranger at the Door

2. New Arrival

3. Awkward

4. First Evening

5. Jade’s Story

6. Jackie

7. Testing Boundaries

8. Silly, Silly Girl

9. Hurt by Dishonesty

10. ‘Like You See on the Telly’

11. ‘Smelly Baby’

12. Worth It

13. Assessment

14. Error of Judgement

15. Not an Ogre

16. A Police Matter

17. Shaken to the Core

18. Too Late

19. ‘Please Don’t Take My Baby’

20. Prolonging the Agony

21. Tuesday

22. Last Chance

23. Broken Rules and Promises

24. Moving On

Epilogue

Suggested Topics for Reading-Group Discussion

Acknowledgements

Sample Chapter

Cathy Glass

Moving Memoirs eNewsletter

About the Publisher

Author’s Note

England has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the developed world. Last year nearly 40,000 teenage girls gave birth and nearly 60,000 terminated a pregnancy. These figures are truly shocking. And while some of the girls’ stories have happy endings, many do not.

Chapter One
Stranger at the Door

We’d just sat down to our evening meal when the doorbell rang. I sighed. Why did salespeople always manage to time their calls with dinner? Double glazing, cavity-wall insulation, religion, new driveway, landscape the garden or fresh fish from Grimsby: whatever they were selling, 6.00 p.m. seemed to be the time they called, I supposed because most people are home from work by then and it isn’t so late that people won’t answer their front doors.

‘Aren’t you going to see who it is, Mum?’ Paula, my eight-year-old daughter, asked, as I didn’t immediately leave the table.

‘Yes,’ I said as the bell rang for a second time.

Standing, I swallowed my mouthful of cottage pie and went down the hall to the front door, ready to despatch the salesperson as quickly as possible.

‘And don’t be rude!’ Adrian called after me.

As if I would! Although it was true I usually sent away cold callers efficiently and effectively, which to Adrian, aged twelve, could be seen as rude and certainly embarrassing.

‘Don’t be cheeky,’ I returned, as I arrived at the front door.

It was dark outside at six o’clock in January and, as usual, before answering the door at night, I checked the security spyhole, which allowed me to see who was in the porch. The porch was illuminated by a carriage lamp and gave enough light for me to see a lady in her early thirties, dressed smartly in a light-grey winter coat, and whom I vaguely recognized from seeing in the street. I guessed she was collecting either money for a charity or signatures for a petition on a local issue: traffic calming, crossing patrol, noisy pub in the high road, etc.

‘Hello,’ I said with a smile as I opened the door. The cold night air rushed in.

‘I’m sorry to trouble you,’ she began. ‘You’re Cathy Glass, aren’t you?’ I saw she wasn’t carrying a charity-collection tin or a clipboard with a petition to sign.

‘Yes,’ I said, surprised she knew my name. I certainly didn’t know hers.

‘I’m sorry to disturb you. My name’s Meryl Dennis. I work at Beachcroft School. I’m the games mistress – I teach PE. I expect you’ve seen me around? I live at number 122.’

‘Oh yes,’ I said. Number 122 was at the very bottom of the street.

I smiled politely and wondered why she was telling me who she was and about her school, which was on the other side of the county. Adrian, who’d started secondary school the previous September, attended a local school and Paula was still at our local primary school. I smiled again and waited, aware that the cold air was chilling the house and my half-eaten dinner was on the table going cold.

‘You foster, don’t you?’ Meryl asked a little nervously.

‘Yes. Although I don’t have a child at present.’

‘I thought not. I pass your house in my car on the way to work and I used to see you setting off on your school run. I thought your routine had changed.’

I smiled again and nodded, and continued to look at Meryl, still with no inkling as to why she was here or why she’d taken such an interest in my routine. Donna, the girl whose story I told in The Saddest Girl in the World, had left us in November and I’d taken Christmas off and was now waiting for another foster child to arrive. I didn’t yet know who it would be. But what any of that had to do with Meryl I had no idea.

‘Is it possible for me to come in for a few moments?’ Meryl asked. ‘What I have to say is confidential. I’m so sorry to trouble you like this.’

‘Well, yes,’ I said, slightly taken aback but intrigued. ‘Come in.’

Grateful to be able to close the door against the cold night air, I led the way down the hall.

‘Who is it?’ Paula called from the dining table, having heard our footsteps.

‘A lady who lives down our road,’ I said. ‘Finish your dinner, please.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Meryl said. ‘I’ve interrupted your meal.’

‘Don’t worry. It will save. Let’s go through here to talk.’ I showed her into the sitting room and pushed the door to. Adrian and Paula knew where I was if they needed me.

Meryl had the authoritative air of a teacher. She sat on the sofa, unbuttoned her coat and, slipping it off, folded it on to the sofa next to her. ‘I’m sorry to barge in on you like this,’ she apologized again. ‘But I need to ask you a favour – to help me out.’

It was then I thought she was probably looking for a childminder – hence her comments about me not having a child; possibly someone to look after her child or children before or after school. I’d been approached before by neighbours who knew I fostered and asked if I could mind their children. If this was why Meryl was here I’d have to politely refuse, for as a foster carer I’m not allowed to childmind as well, although I am allowed to help out a friend, for example, by looking after their child for a couple of hours while they go to the dentist or similar.

Meryl now looked at me very seriously as she spoke. ‘As well as teaching PE at Beachcroft I’m mentor for the girls in years twelve and thirteen. You know, what used to be known as the sixth form.’ I nodded. ‘The girls come to me with their problems, usually about studying and exams; or they have boyfriend problems, or they’re not getting on with their parents. I listen to them and do what I can to help. However, I have one girl in year twelve who is pregnant. She telephoned me half an hour ago to say her mother has thrown her out. She’s at a friend’s now but can’t stay there tonight. Can she come here?’

I was completely taken aback by the directness of the question, although the answer was simple: no. But I could see how passionate Meryl was in her desire to help the girl, so I thought she deserved a fuller explanation.

‘I can’t, I’m afraid. Although I’m a foster carer I can’t take any child I choose. The way the system works is that when a social worker at the local authority decides to bring a child into care they first check their lists to see if they have a suitable foster carer free; if they haven’t, they send a referral to the independent fostering agencies in the area to see if they have anyone suitable. The agency I foster for, Homefinders, receives the referral together with other agencies and if they think I’m suitable they contact me. Different foster carers have different expertise and specialities. I don’t foster pregnant teenage girls, but some foster carers do. The social services will be able to find somewhere for this girl. Have you contacted them?’

‘Jade doesn’t want them involved,’ Meryl said.

I paused and thought. ‘I think they need to be involved,’ I said.

‘I think they know about Jade,’ Meryl said. ‘I understand there’s a social worker already working with Jade’s mother on other issues. Jade has younger brothers and sisters. But Jade told the social worker she didn’t want her help – or words to that effect.’ Meryl shrugged.

‘I see. Well, I’m sorry but as a foster carer I can’t take a child unless the referral has come through the proper channels, and they won’t place Jade with me. I take younger children and often those with special needs or challenging behaviour.’

‘Couldn’t we have a private fostering arrangement?’ Meryl asked, clearly having done some research into the matter. ‘It’s not as though Jade is a small child. She can look after herself.’

‘I can’t become involved in a private fostering arrangement,’ I said. ‘Not while I work for a fostering agency. Also the law is clear: if someone who is not a relative of a child looks after a child who is under the age of sixteen for more than twenty-eight days, then they have to be assessed and become a registered foster carer. It’s for the child’s good. Foster carers are trained and regularly monitored.’

‘Jade’s just seventeen.’

‘I’m sorry, it doesn’t make any difference. I still can’t take her. I suggest you telephone the duty social worker now and explain the situation and that Jade has just become homeless. The social services will find her a bed for the night. At seventeen she’s still a minor, so the social services have a legal duty of care towards her. They’ll place her with a teen carer who can best take care of her needs.’

Meryl sighed and looked downcast. I felt sorry for her. She clearly wanted to help Jade and I think she really believed I could offer Jade a home, or at least a bed for the night. But it wasn’t that simple. Even if I’d been registered as a teen carer and had a spare bedroom, the referral would still have had to go through the social services who, if necessary, would pass it on to the independent fostering agencies (which are charitable trusts that came about as a result of the local authorities never having enough foster carers). As I looked at Meryl I thought how nice it was of her to be so conscientious and caring in her role as the girls’ mentor.

‘Do you know anyone else with a spare bedroom who could put Jade up for a few nights?’ Meryl asked. ‘Just until I get something else sorted out?’

‘No. I’m sorry, I don’t,’ I said. Although I knew some of my neighbours had spare bedrooms, I wasn’t going to get them involved in what could have been a difficult and embarrassing situation. I didn’t know Jade and I didn’t know those neighbours that well either. ‘All I can suggest is that you call the duty social worker,’ I said again.

‘Or perhaps I’ll give Jade my bed for tonight,’ Meryl said.

I looked at her, surprised. Clearly it was her decision to take Jade in but I wasn’t sure it was the right one professionally. Meryl was, after all, a teacher at Jade’s school and I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to blur the boundaries between teacher and pupil for either of their sakes.

‘I know I’m becoming too involved,’ Meryl suddenly said, as though reading my thoughts. ‘But you see, I can identify with Jade. I didn’t have the best start in life and when I was Jade’s age I went completely off the rails. It was a teacher at my school who helped me get my life back on track. I’ll always be grateful to her for going that extra mile for me and I’d like to do the same for Jade.’ Which explained a lot.

‘Will she keep the baby?’ I asked, mindful of the huge responsibility she’d be undertaking if she did.

‘She wants to. And I’m trying to help her keep her studies going, although she won’t be attending school for much longer.’

‘Hopefully her parents will give her some support when they get over the shock,’ I offered.

‘Maybe, but I’m not counting on it. Jade’s mother has problems of her own, and her other kids to look after. And as far as I’m aware Jade’s father isn’t around much. Anyway, I’ve taken up enough of your time,’ Meryl said, now standing and putting on her coat. ‘Thanks, and sorry to interrupt your dinner.’

‘That’s all right. I’m just sorry I couldn’t help you.’

I went with Meryl down the hall, wishing I could have done more, but as I’d explained to Meryl I couldn’t just take in any child, apart from which there were reasons I didn’t foster teenagers: they were very hard work. They often went missing and required a great deal of emotional support. I felt I had enough responsibility looking after Adrian, Paula and a foster child, as well as coming to terms with being newly divorced, and I didn’t feel I could offer support to a teenager at present.

Chapter Two
New Arrival

‘Hi. How are you? Have you enjoyed your rest?’ Jill, my support social worker from Homefinders, asked the following day.

It was mid-morning and I’d just returned from taking Adrian and Paula to school, having stopped off at the shops on my way home. I’d answered the telephone in the hall. ‘I’m fine, thanks, Jill,’ I said. ‘Very rested. Donna telephoned at the weekend and she’s doing well.’

‘Good. I’m pleased. She’s a nice kid. So you’re ready for your next placement? Raring to go?’

I smiled. ‘Yes, I am.’ For although I enjoyed a short break between fostering placements, I was always ready to welcome the next child. I foster because I want to; it’s what I do and love.

‘Great,’ Jill said. ‘How would you like a teenager who is seven months pregnant?’

I fell silent. I didn’t know how far into her pregnancy Jade was – Meryl hadn’t said – but surely this was too much of a coincidence? ‘She wouldn’t be called Jade, would she?’ I asked.

‘That’s right. The very same. I understand a teacher from her school has taken Jade under her wing and visited you last night.’

‘Yes, Meryl. I told her I couldn’t help her and she should telephone the duty social worker.’

‘She did. First thing this morning. Jade’s family is already known to the social services, and Meryl asked the family’s social worker if Jade could stay with you. She thinks you’ll take good care of her, and living in the same street she feels she’ll be able to offer some support, which may be a help or a hindrance. I’ve told the social worker that although you’re approved to foster teenagers you don’t normally do so – you’ve enough to cope with, and you certainly wouldn’t want a mother-and-baby placement.’ Jill, as always, was forthright in her manner and, as my support social worker, could be relied upon to have my best interest at heart.

‘Thank you,’ I said.

‘However,’ Jill continued, ‘Jade’s social worker is asking if you can look after Jade until they find a mother-and-baby placement: four weeks at the most. She’ll be moved before she has the baby. Jade won’t be going to school any more but they’re hoping to arrange some home tutoring. I said I’d ask you, but clearly it’s your decision, Cathy. Feel free to say no.’

‘I see,’ I said thoughtfully. ‘Just for a month?’

‘Yes.’

‘Can I think about it?’

‘Unfortunately no. They need a decision straightaway. Jade’s mother has thrown her out and Jade spent last night in Meryl’s bed while Meryl slept on the sofa. But Meryl’s husband is back tonight from a business trip and they don’t have a spare bedroom.’

‘I see,’ I said again. I felt sorry for Jade: it was bad enough to be pregnant at seventeen but to have no family support must be devastating. ‘And the social services will have found her a mother-and-baby carer before the baby is born?’

‘Yes. Absolutely.’

‘All right then, Jill,’ I said with a small flush of relief. ‘I’ll do what I can to help her. I’ll be pleased to.’

‘Great. I’ll tell Rachel, her social worker.’

‘I thought Meryl said Jade wasn’t having anything to do with the social services?’ I queried.

‘To be honest, Jade hasn’t got much choice,’ Jill said. ‘Rachel is already involved with the family and although Jade is adamant she wants to keep the baby, she’s going to have to prove she can look after it properly. Otherwise it will be taken into care.’

While this seemed harsh, it was in the best interest of the baby; babies are fragile, vulnerable little beings and if parenting goes badly wrong there is often no second chance.

‘Jade needs to start cooperating with the social services,’ Jill added. ‘She also needs their help. I think she’s starting to realize that.’

‘Good. So when do I meet Jade?’

‘I’ll phone Rachel now and tell her you’ve agreed to look after her, and then I’ll get back to you with more details. I think we’ll probably move Jade in late this afternoon or early evening. I want to be there and obviously Rachel will need to be there too. Are you in today, apart from the school run?’

‘Yes. I can be.’

‘I’ll phone you as soon as I’ve spoken to Rachel, then. Thanks, Cathy.’

‘You’re welcome.’

We said goodbye and as I replaced the receiver I felt a frisson of excitement: a new child and a new challenge. Although Jade wasn’t exactly a child, and she would only be staying with me for a short while, I would do all I could to help her. I felt sure she would benefit from some stability in her life and my TLC (tender loving care), which I prided myself on offering to all the children I looked after, and wouldn’t go amiss even with a teenager. A wiser, more experienced teen carer might have asked some appropriate questions – for example, about Jade’s boyfriend, the father of her unborn baby, and what involvement, if any, he would be having in Jade’s life. But for me at that moment, elated by the prospect of doing all I could to help Jade, such questions never crossed my mind.

Leaving the hall, I jogged up the stairs and to the spare bedroom to make some last-minute changes so that it was suitable for when Jade arrived and she felt comfortable. I didn’t think she’d mind the soft toys dotted around the room, but I removed the toy box. Then I changed the duvet cover and pillowcase, replacing the pictures of Batman with plain pale yellow. Satisfied the room was clean and welcoming, I returned downstairs. As a foster carer and an individual I try not to be judgemental, and if I thought Jade was far too young to be having a baby and that she should have been more careful I didn’t dwell on it. Who knew what past experience had brought Jade to this point in her life and self-righteous recrimination is never helpful. My role was to look after Jade and her unborn baby, which I intended to do to the best of my ability, and if she left me feeling less alone and better able to face the world then I would be delighted.

Jill telephoned again two hours later, by which time I had vacuumed the carpets, dusted the shelves, tidied the house and begun the preparation of the spaghetti bolognese for dinner. Although it was only lunchtime, I knew from experience that when a new child arrives time evaporates; I’d been caught out before by suddenly finding it was seven o’clock and no dinner was ready. Now, having been fostering for eleven years, I was better prepared. However, the only news Jill had was that she didn’t know when Jade would be arriving, as Rachel hadn’t been able to contact her. Apparently Jade wasn’t in school and Meryl didn’t know where she was.

‘I’ll phone as soon as I know more,’ Jill said.

Such uncertainty isn’t unusual in fostering, so I wasn’t fazed. Plans change and I knew enough about teenagers to know that their timekeeping was fluid and their appointment keeping variable.

As the afternoon was cold but bright I put the washing on the line to dry, and then with some time to spare I began a new fostering folder in preparation for Jade’s arrival. In this would go the forms the social worker would bring with her, as well as the daily record all foster carers have to keep of the child they are looking after. This includes medical, education and social-care appointments, any significant events, details of contact and the child’s general disposition. This record keeping allows the child’s progress to be monitored so that additional help can be accessed if necessary. The notes are confidential and when the child leaves the foster carer they are placed on the child’s file at the social services. Even though Jade would be with me for only a short while I had to start a file, although I couldn’t include much at present other than her name, age and today’s date. More information would follow with the social worker when she placed Jade.

Having heard no more from Jill that afternoon, I left the house at 3.00 to collect Paula from school. Adrian, as normal, would make his own way home from secondary school; usually he walked with his friends. I knew I needed to prepare both children for Jade’s arrival. Although they were used to children suddenly appearing and starting to live with us, a heavily pregnant teenager was something different – as new to them as it was for me.

I took the opportunity to talk to Paula on the way home. Once she’d finished telling me her news from her day at school, I said: ‘Jill phoned today and she’s asked us if we can look after a teenage girl for about a month.’

‘Good, I’m pleased we’re having a girl,’ Paula said. She always preferred fostering girls so that she had someone to play with, while Adrian preferred boys for the same reason, although in the end they usually all played together, and of course we had no choice as to which sex the child would be: it was a matter of which child needed a foster home.

‘Yes, a big girl,’ I said. ‘She’s seventeen.’

‘Will she still want to play with me?’ Paula asked.

‘I am sure she will sometimes, although she’ll need a lot of rest. She’s expecting a baby.’

Paula went quiet for a moment and I could almost hear her thought processes ticking. I would wait for her next question rather than rush in.

‘Is the daddy coming to live with us too?’ Paula asked. Aged eight, Paula knew that babies had daddies, although they didn’t always live with their child.

‘No. It will just be Jade,’ I confirmed.

‘And the baby is still in her tummy?’

‘Yes. That’s right.’

‘Will it come out while she’s living with us?’ Paula asked, pulling a face. She also knew where babies came from and that giving birth was a messy business, from seeing baby rabbits being born.

‘No. Jade will leave us before the baby is born,’ I said. ‘Although there’s nothing to be squeamish about. Giving birth is perfectly natural.’

‘I’d rather be a bird and lay eggs,’ Paula said.

I smiled. ‘And have to build a nest each year? And then sit on the eggs until they hatch?’

Paula laughed and then fell silent again. I could see she was thinking again. ‘Do teenagers normally have babies?’ she asked. ‘Our teacher said you had to be an adult.’

‘It’s best to be an adult,’ I said, ‘although a teenager can have a baby. But it’s a big responsibility, so it’s much better to wait until you are older and have a nice home and a husband to help you.’ It might have sounded as though I was lecturing Paula, but I thought it was important she knew what was generally considered the better option. Paula was young and impressionable and looked up to older girls. I didn’t want her using Jade as a role model; pregnant at seventeen with nowhere to live – what mother would?

We’d just got home when the telephone rang. It was Jill. She said that Jade had been found and was now with her social worker, Rachel, and they would be with us at about five o’clock. Jill also said she was aiming to be with us just before then. As my support social worker, whenever possible she was present when a child was placed – to check the paperwork and that I had everything I needed to look after the child, and generally to be supportive and give advice where necessary.

Adrian arrived home at 4.30, and as he helped himself to a glass of milk and a banana I quickly brought him up to date.

‘Is that the girl that teacher wanted us to have?’ he asked. After Meryl had left the evening before, Adrian and Paula had asked what she’d wanted and I’d briefly told them.

‘Yes, the same one,’ I said. ‘Meryl – the teacher – phoned the social services first thing this morning. I’ve said we’ll look after Jade just for a month, until they’ve found her somewhere else to live.’

Adrian nodded and, having finished his snack, went off to play with his Nintendo in his room, which was far more interesting than a teenage girl coming to stay. Paula watched some children’s television. Then at 4.50 the doorbell rang and it was Jill. Paula knew we would need the sitting room and scampered off upstairs to play – either with Adrian or in her own room. Jill called hi to her and then came with me into the kitchen while I made her a cup of coffee.

Jill didn’t have any more details about Jade, so we’d have to wait until Rachel arrived with Jade. We went through to the sitting room with the coffee and Jill commented that snow was forecast, and also that it was good of Meryl to take such an interest in Jade. I agreed, although I didn’t tell Jill that Meryl’s interest was partly due to her having experienced something similar, as I thought she’d told me that in confidence.

At just gone 5.00 the doorbell rang and, feeling a little nervous and apprehensive, I left the sitting room and went down the hall to answer it. As I opened the front door the cold air rushed in.

‘Hello.’ I smiled. ‘I’m Cathy.’

‘Hello, I’m Rachel,’ the social worker said, shaking my hand and stepping into the hall first. ‘This is Jade, and this is Tyler, Jade’s boyfriend.’

‘It’s nice to meet you.’ I smiled again. Then, without thinking, I added to Tyler: ‘I wasn’t expecting you.’

‘No, neither was I,’ Rachel said pointedly.

‘I wanted him here,’ Jade put in a little grumpily.

‘OK,’ I said. ‘Welcome.’

‘He’ll just be here for a short while,’ Rachel said. ‘So he knows Jade is all right, and then he’ll be leaving.’

Tyler looked about aged twelve and beside Jade looked more like her son than boyfriend. Not only was she taller than him by a good two inches, but she was also about twice his width and matronly. I thought she’d probably been a bit overweight before her pregnancy but now with her stomach distended she was certainly a big girl and, to use a saying, looked as though she could have eaten him for dinner. She was plain but not unattractive, with chin-length brown hair. She was dressed in black leggings and a long jumper, which was stretched tightly over her bump.

Tyler was carrying a zipped holdall, which I assumed contained Jade’s belongings, and I suggested he left it in the hall. I then showed the three of them through to the sitting room, where Jill stood to greet them. I asked Rachel, Jade and Tyler if they would like something to drink but they didn’t want anything. Jade and Tyler sat close together at one end of the sofa and Rachel sat at the other, while Jill and I took the single chairs. Rachel was tall and slender and I guessed in her late twenties. She had a pleasant manner, warm and vibrant, although I thought she could be firm when necessary.

‘Thank you for agreeing to take Jade,’ Rachel said, removing a wodge of papers from her large bag-cum-briefcase. ‘She’s promised me she’s going to behave herself.’ Which suggested she might not have behaved herself in the past.

I smiled at Jade. She linked her arm through Tyler’s but didn’t smile back and concentrated on the carpet.

‘I’m pleased to be able to help,’ I said brightly. ‘I’m sure Jade and I will get along fine. I’m looking forward to having a teenager in the house.’

Tyler glanced at me, while Jade continued staring at the carpet.

‘Everything you need should be in here,’ Rachel said, passing a set of paperwork to me and then another to Jill. ‘Essential information and consent form – for the fostering. I’ve run through the contents with Jade and at her age she’ll sign the consent as well.’

I nodded and quickly flicked through the papers, which included the contact details of the social services; Jade’s mother’s address, which Jade had given as her permanent home; the names and dates of birth of Jade’s siblings; and the names and date of birth of the baby’s father, from which I quickly calculated Tyler to be only sixteen. Jill was also glancing through the paperwork.

‘Cathy,’ Rachel said after a moment, ‘I would like you to make sure Jade attends her antenatal appointments. She’s missed some in the past and they are important.’

‘Absolutely,’ I said. ‘When is the next one due?’

‘Next week,’ Rachel said. ‘She attends the Lakeview Health Centre for her antenatal care.’

‘I want Tyler to come too,’ Jade said, finally raising her eyes from the floor to look at Rachel.

‘That’s fine,’ Rachel said, ‘as long as he doesn’t miss school. You’ve got exams this year, haven’t you?’

Tyler shrugged. ‘Maybe. Dunno. I’m leaving school as soon as I can.’

‘When exactly is the appointment?’ Jill now asked.

‘Jade has the appointment card in her bag,’ Rachel said.

‘It’s in the hall. I’ll get it later,’ Jade said.

‘Make sure you tell Cathy the date in plenty of time,’ Jill said to Jade. ‘Cathy has two children and she has to work around their commitments too.’

Jade nodded sullenly, but I appreciated she had a lot to cope with and how difficult all this must be for her.

‘Jade has some of her clothes with her,’ Rachel said, moving on, ‘enough for tonight and a couple of days, but she’s hoping to collect some more of her belongings from home tomorrow. Aren’t you, Jade?’

Jade nodded.

‘Jade won’t be attending school any more,’ Rachel continued, looking at me, ‘so perhaps the two of you could go to her home tomorrow and pick up her things? Jade has a front door key if no one is in.’

‘That’s fine with me,’ I said. ‘We’ll go in my car.’

‘Will Jade’s mother be home?’ Jill asked, mindful that some parents are angry towards the foster carer when their child is taken into care.

Rachel looked at Jade, who shrugged. ‘Dunno,’ she said.

‘Jade’s mother works part time,’ Rachel said. ‘But she’s all right with me, so there shouldn’t be a problem meeting you. She’s happy for Jade to visit whenever she wants to.’

‘Are you comfortable going?’ Jill asked me.

‘Yes,’ I said. I was usually able to work with the parents whose children I fostered. However, I was becoming increasingly aware of just how different it was going to be fostering a teenager compared to a younger child; for example, children in care normally only see their parents at supervised contact, whereas Jade could go and see her mother any time. Another reminder followed quickly, as Rachel said: ‘I’ve told Jade that this placement is for her only. She can see Tyler but he is not to stay here overnight.’

Chapter Three
Awkward

‘So where can he sleep?’ Jade asked, somewhat disgruntled.

‘My mum says if I’m not staying at your place I have to go home,’ Tyler said.

‘Very sensible,’ Rachel said. ‘That solves the problem.’ Then, addressing Jill and me, Rachel explained: ‘Tyler has been sleeping at Jade’s house for some time but it was very overcrowded.’

‘No it wasn’t,’ Jade said. ‘He slept with me – in my room.’

Jill and I exchanged a glance, for it would appear that Jade’s mother had actively encouraged her seventeen-year-old daughter to sleep with her sixteen-year-old boyfriend and now she was pregnant had thrown her out.

Rachel didn’t respond to Jade’s comment but continued with the paperwork, checking through her copy and pointing out details that were relevant to me looking after Jade, while Jill and I followed on our copies. I read that Jade was the eldest of five children and she and the two elder siblings had the same surname, while the younger two had a different surname. Jade’s mother’s date of birth made her thirty-five, so she must have been eighteen when she’d had Jade. Jade’s father’s name and date of birth were given – he was the same age as Jade’s mother – but he didn’t live with Jade’s mother, and there was no contact address for him. In the section headed ‘health of young person’ it stated that Jade was pregnant – approximately thirty weeks – and her emotional and developmental health was age appropriate. Under ‘education’ it showed that Jade had gained six GCSEs the summer before and that she was part way through an A-level course, which she hoped to continue after her baby was born.

‘You mentioned that Jade might be receiving some home tuition,’ Jill asked Rachel.

‘We’ve decided to leave it until after the baby is born,’ Rachel said. ‘Jade felt she wouldn’t be able to concentrate at present with everything else.’ Which I fully appreciated, although I wondered how she would be able to concentrate on studying with a young baby to look after. ‘Perhaps you could teach Jade some home-care skills?’ Rachel asked me. ‘Basic cooking, for example, to help prepare her for when she lives independently.’

‘Yes, I’d be pleased to,’ I said, again smiling at Jade.

‘I can cook already,’ Jade said a little dourly.

‘Great. You can help me, then,’ I said lightly, throwing her another smile.

Rachel ran through the rest of the forms and then the four of us signed the last page, which formed the contract: Jade was signing to give her consent to being in care, Rachel signed as the social worker responsible, Jill signed as the representative of the fostering agency and my support social worker, and I signed to agree to the terms of looking after Jade. If I wanted to end a placement early I had to give the social services and Homefinders twenty-eight days’ notice in writing, but that hadn’t happened yet.

‘So what are you going to do this evening, then?’ Rachel asked Jade as she packed away her copy of the papers.

Jade shrugged.

‘We’ll be having dinner soon,’ I said, for I noticed it was nearly half past six.

‘That sounds good,’ Rachel said. ‘What are you going to have?’

‘Spaghetti bolognese,’ I replied.

‘Lovely. I expect you’re hungry,’ Rachel said to Jade as she closed her briefcase.

Jade shrugged. ‘Can Ty stay for dinner?’

‘That will be up to Cathy,’ Rachel said decisively.

Jade and Tyler now looked at me expectantly. ‘Yes, there’s plenty,’ I said.

‘Excellent. What time does your mother want you home?’ Rachel asked Tyler. The contrast between the man (who’d created a baby and was shortly to be a father) and the boy (whose mother wanted him home at a set time) was not lost on Jill and I saw the briefest of smiles flicker across her face.

‘After dinner, I guess,’ Tyler said easily.

‘I think we should set a time for Tyler to leave,’ Jill said. Tyler was settled so comfortably on my sofa that he looked as though he was there for the night. ‘What time do you think is reasonable?’ Jill asked.

While I wanted Jade to feel welcome in what would be her home for the next month, I thought that it could be quite disruptive to the household routine and to Adrian and Paula if Tyler was here every evening until late. ‘I have to see to my daughter, Paula,’ I said. ‘And Adrian has homework to do, so is eight o’clock on a weekday all right? Later at weekends.’

‘That seems reasonable to me,’ Rachel said. ‘And Jade needs to establish a routine.’ Then, looking at Tyler: ‘Eight o’clock it is, then, unless your mum is expecting you sooner?’ Again I felt the discrepancy between the boy and the man, although Tyler seemed unfazed.

‘She didn’t set a time,’ Tyler said.

‘OK, so we’ll say you leave here by eight o’clock and then Cathy can get on with what she has to do,’ Rachel clarified. ‘We’ll just have a look around the house and then I’ll be off.’

It’s usual for the foster carer to show the social worker and the child around the house when a child first arrives, and I stood, ready to begin the tour. As I did, two sets of footsteps could be heard scampering downstairs and along the hall, and then Paula and Adrian appeared in the sitting room and stopped dead. Perhaps they thought that Jill and Rachel had gone, for they looked surprised to see all the adults.

‘This is Adrian and Paula,’ I said, introducing them to Rachel, Jade and Tyler. Jill knew my children from having been my support social worker for many years.

‘This is Jade and her boyfriend, Tyler,’ I said to Adrian and Paula. ‘And this is Rachel, Jade’s social worker.’

‘Hi,’ Rachel said. ‘Good to meet you. Sorry to take up so much of your mother’s time. I expect you’re ready for dinner. I know I am.’

Adrian smiled politely and nodded while Paula, who was always a bit shy when first meeting people, came to stand beside me. I left Jill in the sitting room with Adrian – she was asking him how secondary school was going – and with Paula holding my hand, I began the tour of the house.

‘This is the kitchen,’ I said to Rachel, Jade and Tyler. ‘We have our meals over there.’ I pointed to the table and chairs in the dining area of the extension.

‘Very nice,’ Rachel said. Jade and Tyler stood side by side just inside the kitchen-cum-dining room, holding hands and looking very awkward, as teenagers often do.

‘Cooker, fridge-freezer and washing machine,’ I said, pointing them out. I then led the way out of the kitchen, down the hall and into the front room, which among other things contained a sofa, a small desk with the computer, a hi-fi system, and shelves of CDs, DVDs and books.

‘I expect it’s useful having more than one living room when you’re fostering,’ Rachel said.

‘Yes,’ I agreed. Then to Jade I said: ‘You can use the computer in here. I’ll show you how.’

Jade nodded but didn’t say anything.

I then led the way upstairs and showed Jade her bedroom. ‘I’m sure you’ll be comfortable in here once you’ve got your belongings with you,’ I said.

‘Yes, it’s a nice big room,’ Rachel said, following Jade and Tyler in. ‘There’s lots of space for your things. And what a nice view – overlooking the garden.’ She went over to the window.

Jade glanced towards the window but she didn’t go over; nor did she say anything. She appeared lost and overwhelmed, and I felt sorry for her. As with any child coming into care, all that had been familiar to her had suddenly vanished and was possibly gone for good. Jade had spent last night at a teacher’s house and now she was in another strange house with unfamiliar people and their unfamiliar routine.

‘Don’t worry,’ I said, touching her arm reassuringly. ‘You’ll soon feel at home.’

‘I’m not worried,’ Jade said, putting on a brave face, but she obviously was. She appeared anxious and kept nervously pulling at a loose thread on the sleeve of her jumper.

We left Jade’s room and as we went round the landing I pointed out Adrian’s, Paula’s and my bedrooms, and then we arrived at the bathroom.

‘You can have a shower or a bath,’ I said, showing Jade (and Tyler and Rachel) in.

‘You like your baths, don’t you?’ Rachel said.

‘Don’t mind,’ Jade said with a small shrug.

Having seen upstairs, we returned downstairs and into the sitting room, where Adrian was still making polite conversation with Jill. On my arrival he saw his release and immediately disappeared out of the room and upstairs, quickly followed by Paula.

‘Thanks, Cathy,’ Rachel said, picking up her briefcase. ‘I’m going now.’ Then, looking at Jade: ‘I’ll phone you tomorrow. Have a good evening.’

Jill said goodbye to Rachel and stayed in the sitting room with Jade and Tyler, while I went down the hall to see Rachel out. At the door Rachel said quietly: ‘Meryl – the teacher at Jade’s school – was planning on visiting you tonight, but I’ve told her to wait until Jade has settled in.’

‘Thank you,’ I said.

‘I’m sure she just wants to be helpful but if it gets too much let me know. It could be unsettling for Jade if she keeps popping in.’

I thanked Rachel again, said goodbye and returned to the sitting room. Jade and Tyler were once more sitting side by side on the sofa, now listening to Jill, who was telling Jade that I was a very experienced foster carer and a nice person who would look after her very well.

‘Thank you, Jill,’ I said with a small embarrassed laugh.

‘Well, it’s true,’ she said. ‘Now, if there’s nothing you need I’ll leave you good people to have your dinner.’ Then to Jade and Tyler: ‘Nice to meet you both. See you again soon.’ As my support social worker Jill would visit me regularly to make sure Jade’s needs were being met and I had everything I needed to look after her properly.

I saw Jill to the front door. ‘I’ll phone tomorrow to see how things are going,’ she said. ‘You may have to be firm when it comes to Tyler going. He’s looking very settled and remember he’s used to staying with Jade. Eight o’clock and he says goodbye.’

‘All right, I will,’ I said. Jill had a lot of experience working with teenagers and I appreciated her advice.

Having seen Jill out I returned to the sitting room. It was nearly seven o’clock and we needed to eat. ‘Are you both OK?’ I asked Jade and Tyler. ‘I’ll see where Adrian and Paula are and then I’ll make dinner. It won’t take long.’

Jade didn’t say anything but Tyler nodded. I smiled positively and, leaving the sitting room, I went upstairs.

I appreciated Adrian and Paula might feel a bit awkward fostering a teenager, and might do so for a few days, but hiding in their bedrooms wouldn’t help; they needed to come down and be sociable. I too felt a little awkward and clearly Jade and Tyler were struggling too. I found Paula in Adrian’s bedroom, where they were both playing with the robotic crab he’d had for Christmas.

‘I’m starving, Mum,’ Adrian said as soon as I walked in. ‘When will dinner be ready?’

‘Ten minutes,’ I said. ‘And while I make dinner I want you two to go downstairs and talk to Jade and Tyler. We can’t just leave them sitting there by themselves.’

‘Do we have to?’ Paula sighed.

‘Yes. It’s polite. If you feel awkward – in your own home – imagine how Jade must be feeling.’

‘Is that boy staying?’ Adrian asked.

‘Tyler. Yes, just for dinner and then he’ll be going home.’

‘When?’ Adrian asked, tersely.

‘At eight o’clock.’

‘I’ll be in bed then,’ Paula moaned.

‘Exactly, so you can come down now and talk to them. They don’t bite.’

Adrian and Paula made no move to do as I asked. ‘Now, please,’ I said more firmly.

Paula pulled a face but they both stood. Then, without their usual enthusiasm for spending time with new children, they followed me downstairs and into the sitting room. ‘Adrian and Paula have come to join you,’ I said brightly as we went in.

Tyler and Jade looked at them blankly and Adrian and Paula looked back equally blankly. Usually when we fostered younger children Adrian and Paula suggested games or activities to ‘break the ice’ and make the children feel welcome, but I realized that they now felt a bit intimated and shy.

‘Perhaps you’d all like a game of Sunken Treasure?’ I suggested. ‘It’s a game for all ages.’

‘What’s Sunken Treasure?’ Tyler asked, reasonably enthusiastically.

Seeing Tyler’s interest Adrian said: ‘I’ll get it from the cupboard.’

‘Thank you,’ I said.

Adrian went to the cupboard in the conservatory containing toys and games and returned with the large boxed game, which he set on the coffee table in front of Jade and Tyler.

‘Cor, that looks good,’ Tyler said, taking off the lid and peering in. ‘We ain’t got nothing like that at my house.’

Encouraged by Tyler’s enthusiasm and easy manner, Adrian and Paula pulled up a stool each as Tyler began removing the contents from the box: the board on which the game was played, showing brightly coloured underwater scenes in 3-D, a dice, shaker, various galleon boats and little treasure chests containing gold, sliver and pearls.

Jade shuffled to the edge of the sofa so that she too could see.

‘How do you play?’ Tyler asked.

‘You all choose a galleon,’ I said, picking up one of the little boats. ‘Then you take turns to shake the dice and move the galleon around the board, like this. If it stops over the treasure chest, the chest rises from the bottom of the ocean and attaches itself to your boat.’

‘Wow! How does it do that?’ Tyler asked, the little boy in him surfacing.

‘There’s a small magnet at the base of the boat,’ I said, turning over one of the boats to show him. ‘And another magnet in the treasure chest.’ I opened one of the chests and pointed it out. ‘Magnets attract.’

‘That’s cool,’ Tyler said, impressed.

‘The person who has the most treasure wins,’ I said. ‘But you have to watch out for the killer sharks and giant octopus; they eat you and your treasure.’ I pointed to the little models of open-mouthed sharks with rows of vicious teeth and giant octopuses with long, thick tentacles. ‘Adrian will explain the rules while I make dinner.’

Feeling the ice had been broken, I left the four of them grouped around the game while I went into the kitchen to cook the spaghetti and heat the bolognese sauce. Toscha, our cat, miaowed; her dinner was late too and I fed her before turning my attention to ours.

My first impression of Jade and Tyler was that, while pleasant, they were young and immature and would struggle to cope with a baby. I didn’t know what involvement Tyler intended to have with his child but realistically – given that he was sixteen and still at school – he wouldn’t be able to offer much in the way of support. Whether or not Jade could cope alone with a baby remained to be seen and that wasn’t really any concern of mine. My role was to see Jade through the next month, after which she would go to a mother-and-baby placement.

I thought it wouldn’t be long before Adrian and Paula felt more at ease around Jade (and Tyler) and vice versa. Excited voices soon rose from the sitting room as sunken treasure was found and then lost, which seemed to confirm my optimism for them all getting along. But as I lowered the spaghetti into the pan of boiling water, Tyler’s voice rose above the others: ‘Fuck no! It fell off. That’s not fucking fair!’

Chapter Four
First Evening

Leaving the spaghetti boiling in the pan, I left the kitchen and met Paula who was coming out of the sitting room and on her way to me.

‘Mum, that big boy swore,’ she whispered, clearly worried.

‘I know, I heard,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it.’

While swearing might be acceptable in Tyler’s house and with his friends, it wasn’t acceptable in my house in front of Adrian and Paula. I knew from previous experience – with other children I’d fostered – that if I didn’t stop the swearing now it would escalate. And although Tyler wasn’t a child I was fostering I had a feeling we’d be seeing a lot of him, so I needed to put in place the ground rules straightaway.

As I entered the sitting room Adrian looked up at me anxiously, aware the words Tyler had used weren’t acceptable, while Jade and Tyler were concentrating on and enjoying the game. Indeed, having got over whatever it was he thought was unfair, Tyler was happily telling Jade to hurry up, as it was her turn.

‘Er … Tyler,’ I said, taking a few steps into the room. ‘Please don’t swear. There are children present.’

‘Yeah, sure,’ he said amicably. ‘Sorry.’

I smiled reassuringly at Adrian and Paula who, relieved that the matter had been dealt with so easily, returned to the game.

I returned to the kitchen and ten minutes later called everyone to come, as dinner was ready. They must have been very hungry, for they didn’t protest at having to break off from their game, which wasn’t finished. I could see Paula was tired and 7.30 was late for her to be eating, so as soon as we’d eaten I would take her upstairs for her to wash and get ready for bed. Once everyone was at the table I served the meal. When Jade was seated at the dining table her bump was even more emphasized, as it stopped her from getting close to the table. I could see Adrian and Paula stealing surreptitious glances at her as we ate and I knew that certainly Paula would have questions later about bumps and babies.

The first few meals – and indeed the first few days after a new child arrives – are often a little strained, with everyone reserved and not saying much. However, this wasn’t true of that evening, thanks to Tyler, who seemed very relaxed and at home and led the conversation. He began by saying how nice the spaghetti bolognese was, which immediately won him a place in my heart, and then between mouthfuls he talked easily to Adrian and Paula, so that after a while I asked him: ‘Do you have brothers or sisters? You’re good with children.’

‘Yeah, two,’ Tyler said, sucking a long piece of spaghetti into his mouth until it disappeared with a loud plop, making Adrian and Paula laugh. ‘I’ve got a brother and sister, younger than me. They’re great kids. I love them and me mum. She’s made a lot of sacrifices to bring us up and I’m grateful.’ Which I thought was a lovely thing to say, especially coming from a teenage boy. Tyler also said he didn’t see much of his dad, as he only appeared a few times a year – when he wanted a loan from his mum. So he didn’t really know him and he hadn’t been a ‘proper dad’.

‘That’s why I’m gonna make sure I’m there for my kid,’ Tyler continued. ‘I want my kid to have a proper dad. I’m gonna do all the things dads should do and see my kid behaves proper as well.’ Highly commendable, I thought, although I did wonder how he was going to achieve this in practice, given that he was at school and didn’t have a job or home of his own.

‘Does your dad live with you?’ Tyler then asked Adrian and Paula.

Adrian shook his head and looked embarrassed, while Paula looked at me to explain, as she usually did when her father was mentioned.

‘Sadly he doesn’t live with us any more,’ I said. ‘Although he does see Adrian and Paula regularly.’

‘It ain’t the same, though,’ Tyler said. ‘Dads should be there for their kids.’

Although I agreed with this I always tried to stay positive for Adrian’s and Paula’s sakes and not lament over what could or should have been.

‘Absolutely,’ I said. ‘But sometimes we don’t have control over events and we just have to make the best of what we have. That’s what we do and from what you’re saying that’s what you do too.’

‘Yeah, and I’m going to be there for my child. I promised Jade.’

Jade didn’t say anything but concentrated on her food.

Tyler was the first to finish and thanked me for the meal. He was then eager to be away from the table to finish the game of Sunken Treasure, just like a big loveable kid. He encouraged the others to ‘hurry up’ so that they could finish the game. Adrian and Paula ate faster while Jade, who’d said little throughout the meal, finished her meal at her own pace. She was slow in this, as she was in her other movements, as many women are in the late stages of pregnancy – a result of weight gain, hormones and sheer exhaustion.

To give him his due, Tyler waited until Jade had finished before leaving the table, and then the four of them returned to the sitting room to finish their game while I cleared the table. Five minutes later I heard Tyler shout he’d won and I called them for pudding – apple crumble and ice cream, which again Tyler said was very nice and thanked me for. Once we’d all finished I said it was time for Paula to go to bed and told her to say goodnight, which she did without a fuss.

‘Shall we play another game of Sunken Treasure?’ Tyler asked Adrian.

I glanced at the wall clock: it was 7.50. ‘One quick game and then we all say goodnight,’ I said, mindful of Jill’s advice.

‘Sure,’ Tyler said easily and dashed into the sitting room, closely followed by Adrian, who was clearly enjoying playing with Tyler. Jade followed more slowly and seemed happy to go along with whatever Tyler suggested. I thought that once Tyler had gone home and Adrian and Paula were in bed I’d have a chance to talk to Jade and get to know her better.

Paula and I went upstairs and once we were in the bathroom and couldn’t be overheard Paula’s questions began. ‘Is Tyler the baby’s daddy?’ she asked.

‘Yes.’

‘How can he be? He’s only a boy.’

‘He’s old enough to father a child,’ I said.

‘What does “to father a child” mean?’

‘Make a baby.’

‘Why did he want to do that?’

‘Because he likes Jade a lot.’

‘Does he still go to school?’

‘Yes.’

‘He can’t go to school and be a daddy, can he?’

I appreciated how confusing all this was to an eight-year-old. ‘Well, he finishes school soon,’ I said. ‘But you’re right. He’s too young really to be a father. Now wash your face, please.’

Paula picked up the face flannel but it didn’t reach the water or her face. ‘Why didn’t he wait to make a baby?’ she asked, looking at my reflection in the mirror above the basin.

‘Well, sometimes people make a baby when they don’t mean to,’ I said. ‘It’s called an accident, although the parents still love the baby when it’s born.’

‘Was I an accident?’

‘No. Absolutely not. I waited three years for you.’

‘Why did you have to wait, Mummy?’

‘Because sometimes it takes a long time to make a baby and sometimes it happens very quickly.’

‘But Jade didn’t have to wait, did she?’ Paula said, trying to clarify it in her mind and finally dipping the flannel into the water and dabbing her cheek.

‘No.’

‘Jade’s baby was an accident.’

‘Yes.’

‘But she’ll still love the baby when it’s born, won’t she?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good. Because it’s horrible if someone has a baby and doesn’t love it. That would make me upset.’

I gave her a hug. ‘I know, love. Now finish washing. It’s well past your bedtime.’

By the time I’d seen Paula into bed and read her a story it was 8.15. I kissed her goodnight, came out and went downstairs, thinking it was asking a bit much to expect a lad of sixteen who was in the middle of enjoying a game to realize it was time to leave. Entering the sitting room, I saw the game was continuing; each player had a little pile of treasure chests that they had won. Toscha, as usual, had found a comfortable spot and was curled up on the sofa next to Jade, who was absently stroking her between turns.

‘It’s 8.15,’ I said gently as I entered.

‘Oh, Mum!’ Adrian cried. ‘Can’t we just finish this game?’

‘Oh, yeah, please let’s finish the game,’ Tyler said.

‘Five minutes and then you must pack away,’ I said. ‘You, Adrian and Paula have school tomorrow and Jade needs her rest.’

‘I’m OK,’ Jade said, clearly not wanting to be responsible for ending the game. ‘Can I have a packet of crisps?’

‘Yes, if you’re still hungry, although a piece of fruit would be better.’

Jade pulled a face. ‘I don’t do fruit,’ she said.

‘Nah, she don’t do fruit,’ Tyler agreed.

I thought Jade needed to ‘do’ some fruit, but didn’t say so. It was only her first evening with us and there’d be other times when I could help her eat more healthily. So I left the sitting room, went into the kitchen and returned with a large bag of assorted crisps.

‘We have these at home,’ Jade said as I offered her the bag and she took a packet of cheese-and-onion-flavoured crisps.

‘Yeah, so do we,’ Tyler said, taking a beef-flavoured packet.

Adrian, aware he didn’t normally have crisps just before bed, grinned sheepishly and quietly selected a packet of roast-chicken ones. The resulting aroma as the various flavours mingled set Toscha’s nose twitching. Although Adrian wasn’t normally allowed crisps just before bed it would have been unfair to leave him out, so I could see that one of the issues with fostering a child older than one’s own was that it could lead to double standards – with something being acceptable for a teenager but not for a younger child.

The game finished a few minutes later and they counted their treasure chests. Adrian had the most and had therefore won.

‘Well done,’ I said. ‘Let’s pack away the game now.’

‘I’ll beat you next time,’ Tyler said good-humouredly.

He helped Adrian pack the pieces into the box and closed the lid, but then sat back comfortably on the sofa and made no move to go. I now had to get Tyler off the sofa, to say goodnight and out the front door.

‘Your mum will be wondering where you are,’ I said, trying the subtle approach first.

‘Nah, she’s OK. She knows I’ll be back later.’

‘Good, but we did agree eight o’clock was the goodbye time and it’s nearly half past eight now,’ I said.

‘Oh yeah,’ Tyler said, clearly simply not realizing the time. He stood. ‘Well, thanks, missus. Thanks for dinner. It’s been very nice.’

I smiled. ‘You’re welcome, but call me Cathy. We’ll see you again soon.’ Then to Jade, I said: ‘Would you like to see Tyler out?’

Jade shuffled to the front of the sofa so that she could stand. Tyler reached out his hand and she took it. Then, in what appeared a familiar routine and was quite touching, he hauled her off the sofa with an exaggerated groan. ‘Ten-ton Tess!’ he joked. Adrian laughed but I wasn’t sure Jade appreciated Tyler’s humour; she didn’t laugh.