Читать книгу: «13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do»

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

What is Mental Strength?

Chapter 1 They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

Chapter 2 They Don’t Give away their Power

Chapter 3 They Don’t Shy away from Change

Chapter 4 They Don’t Focus on things they can’t Control

Chapter 5 They Don’t Worry about Pleasing Everyone

Chapter 6 They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

Chapter 7 They Don’t Dwell on the Past

Chapter 8 They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

Chapter 9 They Don’t Resent other People’s Success

Chapter 10 They Don’t Give Up after the First Failure

Chapter 11 They Don’t Fear Alone Time

Chapter 12 They Don’t Feel the World Owes them Anything

Chapter 13 They Don’t Expect Immediate Results

Conclusion Maintaining Mental Strength

Acknowledgments

References

About the Publisher

Introduction

When I was twenty-three, my mother died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. She’d always been a healthy, hardworking, vibrant woman who had loved life right up until her last minute on earth. In fact, I saw her the night before she died. We met at an auditorium to watch a high school basketball tournament. She was laughing, talking, and enjoying life like she always did. But just twenty-four hours later she was gone. The loss of my mother affected me deeply. I couldn’t imagine going through the rest of my life without her advice, laughter, or love.

At the time, I was working as a therapist at a community mental health center, and I took a few weeks off to privately deal with my grief. I knew I couldn’t be effective at helping other people unless I was able to productively deal with my own feelings. Becoming used to a life that no longer included my mother was a process. It wasn’t easy, but I worked hard to get myself back on my feet. From my training as a therapist, I knew that time doesn’t heal anything; it’s how we deal with that time that determines the speed at which we heal. I understood that grief was the necessary process that would eventually alleviate my pain, so I allowed myself to feel sad, to get angry, and to fully accept what I’d truly lost when my mother passed away. It wasn’t just that I missed her—it was also the painful realization that she would never be there again during the important events in my life and that she would never experience the things she’d looked forward to—like retire from her job and become a grandmother. With supportive friends and family, and my faith in God, I found a sense of peace; and as life went on, I was able to remember my mother with a smile, rather than with pangs of sadness.

A few years later, as we approached the third anniversary of my mother’s death, my husband, Lincoln, and I discussed how to best honor her memory that weekend. Friends had invited us to watch a basketball game on Saturday evening. Coincidentally, the game was being played in the same auditorium where we’d last seen my mother. Lincoln and I talked about what it would be like to go back to the place where we’d seen her, just three years ago, on the night before she passed away.

We decided it could be a wonderful way to celebrate her life. After all, my memories of her that night were very good. We’d laughed, had a chance to talk about all kinds of things, and had an all-around great evening. My mother had even predicted my sister would get married to her boyfriend at the time—and a few years later that prediction came true.

So Lincoln and I returned to the auditorium and we enjoyed spending time with our friends. We knew it was what my mother would have wanted. It felt nice to go back and feel okay about being there. But just as I took a sigh of relief about my progress in dealing with my mother’s death, my entire life was once again turned upside down.

After returning home from the basketball game, Lincoln complained of back pain. He’d broken several vertebrae in a car accident a few years prior, so back pain wasn’t unusual for him. But just a few minutes later, he collapsed. I called for paramedics and they arrived within minutes and transported him to the hospital. I called his mother, and his family met me in the emergency room. I had no idea what could possibly be wrong with him.

After a few minutes in the emergency room waiting area, we were called into a private room. Before the doctor even said a word, I knew what he was going to say. Lincoln had passed away. He’d had a heart attack.

On the same weekend that we honored the three-year anniversary of my mother’s death, I now found myself a widow. It just didn’t make any sense. Lincoln was only twenty-six and he didn’t have any history of heart problems. How could he be here one minute and gone the next? I was still adjusting to life without my mother, and now I’d have to learn how to deal with life without Lincoln. I couldn’t imagine how I would get through this.

Dealing with the death of a spouse is such a surreal experience. There were so many choices to be made at a time when I really wasn’t in any shape to decide anything. Within a matter of hours, I had to start making decisions about everything from the funeral arrangements to the wording of the obituary. There wasn’t any time to let the reality of the situation really sink in; it was completely overwhelming.

I was fortunate to have many people in my life who supported me. A journey through grief is an individual process, but loving friends and family certainly helped. There were times when it seemed to get a little easier and times when it would get worse. Just when I’d think I was getting better, I’d turn another corner to find overwhelming sadness waiting for me. Grief is an emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting process.

There were so many things to feel sad about too. I felt sad for my husband’s family, knowing how much they’d loved Lincoln. I felt sad about all the things Lincoln would never experience. And I was sad about all the things we’d never get to do together, not to mention, how much I missed him.

I took as much time off from work as I could. Those months are mostly a blur as I was focused on just putting one foot in front of the other every day. But I couldn’t stay out of work forever. I was down to just one income and had to get back into the office.

After a couple of months, my supervisor called and asked about my plans to return to work. My clients had been told I would be out of the office indefinitely while I dealt with a family emergency. They weren’t given any type of time frame about how long I’d be out, since we weren’t really sure what was going to happen. But now, they needed an answer. I certainly wasn’t done grieving, and I definitely wasn’t “better,” but I needed to go back to work.

Just like when I’d lost my mother, I had to allow myself time to experience the sorrow head-on. There was no ignoring it or pushing it away. I had to experience the pain while also proactively helping myself heal. I couldn’t allow myself to stay stuck in my negative emotions. Although it would have been easy to pity myself or dwell on my past memories, I knew it wouldn’t be healthy. I had to make a conscious choice to start down a long road to building a new life for myself.

I had to decide whether some of the goals Lincoln and I shared together were still going to be my goals. We’d been foster parents for a few years and had planned to eventually adopt a child. But did I still want to adopt a child as a single woman? I continued my work as a foster parent, providing mostly emergency and respite placements, for the next few years, but I wasn’t sure I still wanted to adopt a child without Lincoln.

I also had to create new goals for myself now that I was alone. I decided to venture out and try new things. I got my motorcycle license and bought a motorcycle. I also began writing. At first it was mostly a hobby, but eventually it turned into a part-time job. I had to renegotiate new relationships with people as well by figuring out which of Lincoln’s friends would remain my friends and what my relationship with his family would be like without him. Fortunately for me, many of his closest friends maintained friendships with me. And his family continued to treat me like part of their family.

About four years later, I was fortunate enough to find love again. Or maybe I should say love found me. I was sort of getting used to life as a single person. But that all changed when I began dating Steve. We’d known each other for years and slowly our friendship turned into a relationship. Eventually, we started talking about a future together. Although I had never thought I’d get married again, with Steve it just seemed right.

I didn’t want a formal wedding or a reception that parodied the ceremony I’d had with Lincoln. Although I knew my guests would be thrilled to see me marry again, I also knew it would conjure up pangs of sadness for people as they remembered Lincoln. I didn’t want my wedding day to be a somber occasion, so Steve and I decided to have a nontraditional wedding. We eloped to Las Vegas and it was a completely joyous occasion that centered around our love and happiness.

About a year after we married, we decided to sell the house that Lincoln and I had lived in, and we moved a few hours away. We’d be closer to my sister and my nieces and it gave us an opportunity to have a fresh start. I got a job at a busy medical practice and we were looking forward to enjoying our future together. Just as life seemed to be going great, our road to happiness took another strange twist when Steve’s father was diagnosed with cancer.

Initially, doctors predicted that his treatment could help keep the cancer at bay for several years. But after a few months, it was clear that he wasn’t likely to survive one year, let alone several. He’d tried a few different options but nothing really worked. As time went on the doctors grew more perplexed by his lack of response to treatment. After about seven months, he’d run out of treatment options.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. Rob was so full of life. He was the kind of guy who could always pull a quarter from behind a kid’s ear and he told some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. Although he lived in Minnesota and we lived in Maine, we saw him often. Since he was retired, he had the availability to visit with us for weeks at a time and I’d always joked with him that he was my favorite houseguest—because he was basically our only houseguest.

He was also one of my biggest fans when it came to my writing. He read whatever I wrote, whether it was an article about parenting or a piece on psychology. Quite often, he’d call me with story ideas and suggestions.

Even though Rob was seventy-two, it felt like he was too young to be so sick. Right up until the previous summer he was motorcycling across the country, sailing around Lake Superior, and cruising the countryside with the top down in his convertible. But now he was too sick, and the doctors were clear—he was only going to get worse.

This time I had a different experience dealing with death. My mother’s and Lincoln’s deaths were completely unexpected and sudden. But this time, I had warning. I knew what was coming, and it filled me with a sense of dread.

I found myself thinking, Here we go again. I didn’t want to go through such a staggering loss all over again. It just didn’t seem right. I know plenty of people my age who haven’t lost anyone, so why did I have to lose so many of my loved ones? I sat at the table thinking about how unfair it was, how hard it was going to be, and how much I wanted things to be different.

I also knew I couldn’t let myself go down that road. After all, I’d been through this before and I’d be okay again. If I let myself fall into the trap of thinking my situation was worse than anyone else’s, or if I convinced myself that I couldn’t handle one more loss, it wasn’t going to help. Instead, it would only hold me back from dealing with the reality of my situation.

It was at that moment that I sat down and wrote my list “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” They were the habits I’d fought so hard against to come out on the other side of my grief. They were the things that could hold me back from getting better, if I allowed them to take hold of me.

Not surprisingly, they were the same skills I was giving to the clients who entered my therapy office. But writing them down was something I needed to do to help me stay on track. It was a reminder that I could choose to be mentally strong. And I needed to be strong, because a few weeks after writing down that list, Rob passed away.

Psychotherapists are known for helping others build on their strengths, doling out tips on how they should act and what they can do to improve themselves. But when I created my list on mental strength, I decided to stray for a moment from what has become second nature to me. And focusing on what not to do has made all the difference. Good habits are important, but it’s often our bad habits that prevent us from reaching our full potential. You can have all the good habits in the world, but if you keep doing the bad habits alongside the good ones, you’ll struggle to reach your goals. Think of it this way: you’re only as good as your worst habits.

Bad habits are like heavy weights that you drag around as you go about your day. They’ll slow you down, tire you out, and frustrate you. Despite your hard work and talent, you’ll struggle to reach your full potential when you’ve got certain thoughts, behaviors, and feelings holding you back.

Picture a man who chooses to go to the gym every day. He works out for almost two hours. He keeps a careful record of the exercises he performs so he can track his progress. Over the course of six months, he isn’t noticing much of a change. He feels frustrated that he’s not losing weight and gaining muscle. He tells his friends and family that it just doesn’t make sense why he’s not looking and feeling better. After all, he rarely ever misses a workout. What he leaves out of the equation is the fact that he enjoys a treat on his drive home from the gym every day. After all that exercise, he feels hungry and tells himself, “I’ve worked hard. I deserve a treat!” So each day, he eats one dozen donuts on his drive home.

Seems ridiculous, right? But we all are guilty of this kind of behavior. We work hard to do the things that we think will make us better, but we forget to focus on the things that might be sabotaging our efforts.

Avoiding these thirteen habits isn’t just what will help you through grief. Getting rid of them will help you develop mental strength, which is essential to dealing with all life’s problems—big or small. No matter what your goals are, you’ll be better equipped to reach your full potential when you’re feeling mentally strong.

What is Mental Strength?

It’s not that people are either mentally strong or mentally weak. We all possess some degree of mental strength, but there’s always room for improvement. Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate your emotions, manage your thoughts, and behave in a positive manner, despite your circumstances.

Just as there are those among us who are predisposed to develop physical strength more easily than others, mental strength seems to come more naturally to some people. There are several factors at play to determine the ease at which you develop mental strength:

• Genetics—Genes play a role in whether or not you may be more prone to mental health issues, such as mood disorders.

• Personality—Some people have personality traits that help them think more realistically and behave more positively by nature.

• Experiences—Your life experiences influence how you think about yourself, other people, and the world in general.

Obviously, you can’t change some of these factors. You can’t erase a bad childhood. You can’t help it if you are genetically predisposed to ADHD. But that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your mental strength. Anyone has the power to increase mental strength by devoting time and energy on the self-improvement exercises throughout this book.

The Basis of Mental Strength

Imagine a man who feels nervous about social situations. To minimize his anxiety, he avoids starting conversations with his coworkers. The less he speaks with his coworkers, the less they initiate conversation with him. When he enters the break room and passes people in the hallway without anyone speaking to him, he thinks, I must be socially awkward. The more he thinks about how awkward he is, the more nervous he feels about starting conversations. As his anxiety increases, his desire to avoid his coworkers also increases. This results in a self-perpetuating cycle.

To understand mental strength, you have to learn how your thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all intertwined, often working together to create a dangerous downward spiral as in the preceding example. This is why developing mental strength requires a three-pronged approach:

1. Thoughts—Identifying irrational thoughts and replacing them with more realistic thoughts.

2. Behaviors—Behaving in a positive manner despite the circumstances.

3. Emotions—Controlling your emotions so your emotions don’t control you.

We hear it all the time: “Think positive.” But optimism alone isn’t enough to help you reach your full potential.

Choose Behavior Based on Balanced Emotions and Rational Thinking

I’m terrified of snakes. Yet my fear is completely irrational. I live in Maine. We don’t have a single poisonous snake in the wild. I don’t see snakes very often, but when I do, my heart leaps into my throat and I’m tempted to run as fast as I can in the other direction. Usually, before I run away, I’m able to balance my sheer panic with rational thoughts that remind me that there’s no logical reason to feel afraid. Once my rational thinking kicks in, I can walk by the snake—as long as he’s a safe distance away. I still don’t want to pick him up or pet him, but I can continue past him without letting my irrational fear interfere with my day.

We make our best decisions in life when we balance our emotions with rational thinking. Stop and think for a minute about how you behave when you’re really angry. It’s likely that you’ve said and done some things that you regretted later, because you were basing your actions on your emotions, not logic. But making choices based on rational thinking alone also doesn’t make for good decisions. We are human beings, not robots. Our hearts and our heads need to work together to control our bodies.

Many of my clients question their ability to control their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. “I can’t help the way I feel,” they say. Or “I can’t get rid of the negative thoughts that run through my head,” and “I just can’t get motivated to do what I want to accomplish.” But with increased mental strength, it’s possible.

The Truth about Mental Strength

There’s a lot of misinformation and misconception about what it means to be mentally strong. Here are some of the truths about mental strength:

• Being mentally strong isn’t about acting tough. You don’t have to become a robot or appear to have a tough exterior when you’re mentally strong. Instead, it’s about acting according to your values.

• Mental strength doesn’t require you to ignore your emotions. Increasing your mental strength isn’t about suppressing your emotions; instead it’s about developing a keen awareness of them. It’s about interpreting and understanding how your emotions influence your thoughts and behavior.

• You don’t have to treat your body like a machine to be mentally strong. Mental strength isn’t about pushing your body to its physical limits just to prove you can ignore pain. It’s about understanding your thoughts and feelings well enough that you can determine when to behave contrary to them, and when to listen to them.

• Being mentally strong doesn’t mean you have to be completely self-reliant. Mental strength isn’t about proclaiming that you don’t ever need help from anyone or any type of higher power. Admitting you don’t have all the answers, asking for help when you need it, and acknowledging that you can gain strength from a higher power is a sign of a desire to grow stronger.

• Being mentally strong is not about positive thinking. Thinking overly positive thoughts can be just as detrimental as thinking overly negative thoughts. Mental strength is about thinking realistically and rationally.

• Developing mental strength isn’t about chasing happiness. Being mentally strong will help you to be more content in life, but it isn’t about waking up every day and trying to force yourself to feel happy. Instead, it’s about making the decisions that will help you reach your full potential.

• Mental strength isn’t just the latest pop psychology trend. Just like the physical fitness world is filled with fad diets and fitness trends, the world of psychology is often filled with fleeting ideas about how to become your best self. Mental strength isn’t a trend. The psychology field has been helping people learn how to change their thoughts, feelings, and behavior since the 1960s.

• Mental strength isn’t synonymous with mental health. While the healthcare industry often talks in terms of mental health versus mental illness, mental strength is different. Just like people can still be physically strong even if they have a physical health ailment like diabetes, you can still be mentally strong even if you have depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean you’re destined to have bad habits. Instead, you can still choose to develop healthy habits. It may require more work, more focus, and more effort, but it’s very possible.

The Benefits of Mental Strength

It’s often easy to feel mentally strong when life is going well, but at times problems arise. A job loss, a natural disaster, an illness in the family, or a death of a loved one is sometimes inevitable. When you’re mentally strong, you’ll be more prepared to deal with life’s challenges. Benefits of increasing your mental strength include:

• Increased resilience to stress—Mental strength is helpful in everyday life, not just in the midst of a crisis. You’ll become better equipped to handle problems more efficiently and effectively, and it can reduce your overall stress level.

• Improved life satisfaction—As your mental strength increases, your confidence will also increase. You’ll behave according to your values, which will give you peace of mind, and you’ll recognize what’s really important in your life.

• Enhanced performance—Whether your goal is to be a better parent, to increase your productivity at the office, or to perform better on the athletic field, increasing your mental strength will help you reach your full potential.

How to Develop Mental Strength

You’ll never become an expert at anything by simply reading a book. Athletes don’t become elite competitors after reading about their sport nor do top musicians increase their musical abilities by simply watching other performers play. They also have to practice.

The following thirteen chapters aren’t meant to be a checklist that you either do or don’t do. They are a description of habits that everyone falls prey to sometimes. It’s meant to help you find better ways to cope with life’s challenges so you can avoid these pitfalls. It’s about growing, improving, and striving to become a little better than you were yesterday.

Chapter 1
They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. —JOHN GARDNER

During the weeks that followed Jack’s accident, his mother couldn’t stop talking about the “horrible incident.” Every day she recounted the story about how both of Jack’s legs were broken when he was hit by a school bus. She felt guilty that she wasn’t there to protect him, and seeing him in a wheelchair for several weeks was almost more than she could bear.

Although doctors had predicted a complete recovery, she repeatedly warned Jack that his legs may never fully heal. She wanted him to be aware that he may not be able to play soccer or run around like the other kids ever again, just in case there was a problem.

Although his doctors had medically cleared him to return to school, his parents decided that Jack’s mother would quit her job and homeschool him for the remainder of the year. They felt that seeing and hearing school buses each day might trigger too many bad memories. They also wanted to spare him from having to watch idly from his wheelchair as his friends played at recess. They hoped that staying home would help Jack heal faster, both emotionally and physically.

Jack usually completed his homeschool work in the mornings and he spent his afternoons and evenings watching TV and playing video games. Within a few weeks, his parents noticed that his mood seemed to change. A normally upbeat and happy child, Jack became irritable and sad. His parents grew concerned that the accident may have traumatized him even more than they’d imagined. They pursued therapy in hopes it could help Jack deal with his emotional scars.

Jack’s parents took him to a well-known therapist with expertise in childhood trauma. The therapist had received the referral from Jack’s pediatrician, so she knew a little bit about Jack’s experience prior to meeting him.

When Jack’s mother wheeled him into the therapist’s office, Jack stared silently at the floor. His mother began by saying, “We’re having such a hard time since this terrible accident. It’s really ruined our lives and caused a lot of emotional problems for Jack. He’s just not the same little boy.”

To his mother’s surprise, the therapist didn’t respond with sympathy. Instead she enthusiastically said, “Boy, have I been looking forward to meeting you, Jack! I’ve never met a kid who could beat a school bus! You have to tell me, how did you manage to get into a fight with a school bus and win?” For the first time since the accident Jack smiled.

Over the next few weeks, Jack worked with his therapist on making his own book. He appropriately named it, How to Beat a School Bus. He created a wonderful story about how he managed to fight a school bus and escape with only a few broken bones.

He embellished on the story by describing how he grabbed hold of the muffler, swung himself around, and protected the majority of his body from getting hit by the bus. Despite the exaggerated details, the main part of the story remained the same—he survived because he’s a tough kid. Jack concluded his book with a self-portrait. He drew himself sitting in a wheelchair wearing a superhero cape.

The therapist included Jack’s parents in the treatment. She helped them see how fortunate they were that Jack survived with only a few broken bones. She encouraged his parents to stop feeling sorry for Jack. She recommended they treat him like a mentally and physically tough kid who was capable of overcoming great adversity. Even if his legs didn’t heal properly, she wanted them to focus on what Jack could still accomplish in life, not what the accident would prevent him from being able to do.

The therapist and Jack’s parents worked with the school faculty and staff to prepare for Jack’s return to school. In addition to the special accommodations he’d need because he was still in a wheelchair, they wanted to ensure that the other students and teachers didn’t pity Jack. They arranged for Jack to share his book with his classmates so that he could tell them how he beat the school bus and show them that there was no reason to feel sorry for him.

Self-Pity Party

We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone else’s.

If it weren’t for bad luck, you’re pretty sure you’d have none at all.

Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else.

You’re fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is.

You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems.

You’re more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well.

You often complain about things not being fair.

You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes.

You think that other people are blessed with easier lives.

You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you.

Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviors. But you can choose to take control. Even when you can’t alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude.

Why We Feel Sorry for Ourselves

If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party? Pity was Jack’s parents’ defense mechanism to protect their son and themselves from future dangers. They chose to remain focused on what he couldn’t do as a way to shield him from having to face any more potential problems.

Understandably, they worried about his safety more than ever. They didn’t want him to be out of their sight. And they were concerned about the emotional reaction he might have to seeing a school bus again. It was only a matter of time before the pity poured on Jack turned into his own self-pity.

It’s so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action or moving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldn’t do anything to improve it.

People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others—at least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.

Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you.

Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. It’s almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But that’s not how the world works. There isn’t a higher being—or a human being for that matter—who will swoop in and make sure we’re all dealt a fair hand in life.

The Problem with Feeling Sorry for Yourself

Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences. Instead of feeling grateful that Jack survived the accident, his parents worried about what the accident took away from them. As a result, they allowed the accident to take away even more.

That’s not to say they weren’t loving parents. Their behavior stemmed from a desire to keep their son safe. However, the more they pitied Jack, the more negatively it affected his mood.

Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways:

• It’s a waste of time. Feeling sorry for yourself requires a lot of mental energy and does nothing to change the situation. Even when you can’t fix the problem, you can make choices to cope with life’s obstacles in a positive way. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t move you any closer to a solution.

• It leads to more negative emotions. Once you allow it to take hold, self-pity will ignite a flurry of other negative emotions. It can lead to anger, resentment, loneliness, and other feelings that fuel more negative thoughts.

• It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Feelings of self-pity can lead to living a pitiful life. When you feel sorry for yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll perform at your best. As a result, you may experience more problems and increased failures, which will breed more feelings of self-pity.

• It prevents you from dealing with other emotions. Self-pity gets in the way of dealing with grief, sadness, anger, and other emotions. It can stall your progress from healing and moving forward because self-pity keeps the focus on why things should be different rather than accepting the situation for what it is.

• It causes you to overlook the good in your life. If five good things and one bad thing happen in a day, self-pity will cause you to focus only on the negative. When you feel sorry for yourself, you’ll miss out on the positive aspects of life.

• It interferes with relationships. A victim mentality is not an attractive characteristic. Complaining about how bad your life is will likely wear on people rather quickly. No one ever says, “What I really like about her is the fact that she always feels sorry for herself.”

Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself

Remember the three-pronged approach to achieving mental strength? To alleviate feelings of self-pity, you need to change your pitiful behavior and forbid yourself from indulging in pitiful thoughts. For Jack, this meant that he couldn’t spend all his time at home playing video games and watching TV. He needed to be around other kids his age and return to some of his previous activities that he was still able to do, like go to school. His parents also changed their thinking and began to view Jack as a survivor rather than a victim. Once they changed their thoughts about their son and the accident, they were able to exchange self-pity with gratitude.

Behave in a Manner that Makes it Hard to Feel Sorry for Yourself

Four months after Lincoln died, his family and I were facing what should have been his twenty-seventh birthday. I had been dreading that day for weeks because I had no idea how we’d pass the time. My cartoon bubble pictured us sitting around in a circle sharing a box of Kleenex and talking about how unfair it was that he never reached his twenty-seventh birthday.

When I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother-in-law how she planned to spend the day, without missing a beat she said, “What do you think about skydiving?” The best part was, she was serious. And, I had to admit, jumping out of a perfectly good airplane did seem like a much better idea than the pity party I’d imagined. It felt like the perfect way to honor Lincoln’s adventurous spirit. He’d always enjoyed meeting new people, going new places, and experiencing new things. It wasn’t unusual for him to head off on a spontaneous weekend trip, even if it meant he’d be flying the red-eye home and would have to go to work as soon as he stepped off the overnight flight. He’d say that one day of feeling tired at work was well worth the memories we’d created. Skydiving was something Lincoln would have loved to do so it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate his life.

It’s impossible to feel sorry for yourself when you’re jumping out of an airplane—unless of course, you don’t have a parachute. Not only did we have a great time, but our skydiving experience led to an annual tradition. Every year on Lincoln’s birthday, we choose to celebrate his love of life and adventure. It’s led to some interesting experiences—from swimming with sharks to riding mules into the Grand Canyon. We’ve even taken flying trapeze lessons.

Each year, the whole family becomes involved in Lincoln’s birthday adventure. Some years, Lincoln’s grandmother watches from the sidelines with her camera, but two years ago, at the age of eighty-eight, she was first in line to go ziplining high above the trees. Even though I’m remarried, it’s a tradition we’ve continued, and my husband, Steve, even participates with us. It’s become a day we actually look forward to each year.

Our choice to spend the day doing something enjoyable isn’t about ignoring our grief or masking our sadness. It’s about making a conscious choice to celebrate life’s gifts and refusing to behave in a pitiful manner. Instead of pitying ourselves for what we lost, we choose to feel grateful for what we had.

When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel. You don’t have to jump out of a plane to ward off feelings of self-pity. Sometimes, small behavioral changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples:

• Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It will take your mind off your problems and you can feel good that you’ve helped support someone else. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving hungry people in a soup kitchen or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.

• Perform a random act of kindness. Whether you mow the neighbor’s lawn or donate pet food to a local animal shelter, doing a good deed can help bring more meaning to your day.

• Do something active. Physical or mental activity will help you focus on something other than your misfortune. Exercise, sign up for a class, read a book, or learn a new hobby, and your behavior change can help shift your attitude.

The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviors will extinguish your feelings of self-pity. Sometimes it’s a process of trial and error because the same behavioral change won’t work for everyone. If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something new. If you never take a step in the right direction, you’ll stay right where you are.

Replace thoughts that Encourage Self-Pity

I once witnessed a fender bender in a grocery store parking lot. Two cars were backing up at the same time and their rear bumpers collided. The collision appeared to cause only minor damage to each vehicle.

I watched as one driver jumped out of his vehicle and said, “Just what I needed. Why do these things always happen to me? As if I didn’t already have enough to deal with today!”

Meanwhile, the other driver stepped out of his vehicle shaking his head. In a very calm voice he said, “Wow, we’re so lucky that no one got hurt. What a great day it is when you can get into an accident and walk away from it without a single injury.”

Both men experienced the exact same event. However, their perception of the event was completely different. One man viewed himself as a victim of horrible circumstance while the other man viewed the event as good fortune. Their reaction was all about their differences in perception.

You can view the events that happen in your life in many different ways. If you choose to view circumstances in a way that says, “I deserve better,” you’ll feel self-pity often. If you choose to look for the silver lining, even in a bad situation, you’ll experience joy and happiness much more often.

Almost every situation has a silver lining. Ask any kid what the best part about having divorced parents is and most of them will say, “I get more presents at Christmas!” Obviously, there isn’t much good that arises from divorce, but getting twice as many presents is one small aspect of divorce that some kids rather enjoy.

Reframing the way you look at a situation isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling like the host of your own pity party. Asking yourself the following questions can help change your negative thoughts into more realistic thoughts:

• What’s another way I could view my situation? This is where the “glass half empty or glass half full” thinking comes in. If you’re looking at it from the glass-half-empty angle, take a moment to think about how someone looking from a glass-half-full perspective might view the same situation.

• What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem? Often, we’re better at handing out words of encouragement to other people rather than to ourselves. It’s unlikely you’d say to someone else, “You’ve got the worst life ever. Nothing ever goes right.” Instead, you’d hopefully offer some kind words of assistance such as, “You’ll figure out what to do, and you’ll make it through this. I know you will.” Take your own words of wisdom and apply them to your situation.

• What evidence do I have that I can get through this? Feeling sorry for ourselves often stems from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle problems. We tend to think that we’ll never get through something. Remind yourself of times when you’ve solved problems and coped with tragedy in the past. Reviewing your skills, support systems, and past experiences can give you an extra boost of confidence that will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

The more you indulge in thoughts that willfully delude yourself about your situation, the worse you’ll feel.

Common thoughts that lead to feelings of self-pity include things such as:

• I can’t handle one more problem.

• Good things always happen to everyone else.

• Bad things always happen to me.

• My life just gets worse all the time.

• No one else has to deal with this stuff.

• I just can’t catch a break.

You can choose to catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control. Though replacing overly negative thoughts with more realistic ones takes practice and hard work, it’s very effective in decreasing feelings of self-pity.

If you think, Bad things always happen to me, create a list of good things that have happened to you as well. Then, replace your original thought with something more realistic like, Some bad things happen to me, but plenty of good things happen to me as well. This doesn’t mean you should turn something negative into an unrealistically positive affirmation. Instead, strive to find a realistic way to look at your situation.