No Other Choice

Lucky He, No Suffering

He didn't do anything after that of course. I killed him, so that he wouldn’t hurt anybody anymore. I knew he would do something even worse to me, to someone I was friends with. You maybe won’t understand me and it’s okay. Everyone has their own values. I was already a killer. And it wasn’t that hard for me.

It was two weeks after destroying a car. I forced him to drink 20 pills of some garbage. As I said before, in order to protect yourself, the gym should be your lovely friend. I was way stronger than him, so it wasn’t hard. I have no idea whether he suffered or not. I am still a human being, so I hope he did not. I, as always, got away with it because he always had been talking about suicide. So it seemed like suicide. Nothing personal. I was just the first to notice. Called the ambulance and cried as ugly as possible. I was a good actress by the way.

I honestly hate the person I turned to but there was no way back and I had to accept it. He was a jerk, Agnes was a jerk, mother was a jerk, but I was the biggest jerk known in the history of this world. I have no idea how I survived there.

CHAPTER SIX: ILON

A Total Mess

Let me present to you the biggest mistake of God. Ilon.

If you ever found comments on Instagram about how bad someone looks or threats below a feminism/lgbtq+ post, such men as Ilon could write it. He strongly considers himself a genuine man. He is the oldest sibling in the family and the dumbest by the way. Ilon is forty one years old and has 0 years of life experience. He is six point two feet which was really inappropriate for me since he beated me really badly. For some time his countenance was looking kind of great and normal, but then he started using drugs and currently he literally looks like ugly piece of shit.

He smokes and drinks like hell. Works nowhere, does not have a girlfriend who would lead him to a better life. He did have one by the way. However, the way he treats women and people as a whole is disgusting, thus, he had a girlfriend for ten days or so.

Racist, sexist, homophobe, and everything you can come up with. He hates everyone and thinks that all people surrounding are stupid as hell. Considering the fact that this alfa male did not attend even high school, I bet he as stupid as everyone in this family, including me of course. I’m not better than them.

He is that kind of guy who would rape you if you were drunk. Even if you are his sister. He is that kind of guy who would take your car without permission and get into a car accident. Even if you are his only friend. He is that kind of guy who would curse you and beat you in the supermarket for saying one wrong word. Even if you are his mother. He is that kind of guy who would mock you in front of your friends to look better on your background. Even if you are his father.

He destroys every single relationship he gets into. He is not able to maintain even a conversation with his own friend. He always has to show that he is the best, smartest, strongest, wittest, more hardworking, and so on. None of those are true. He is not the best in comparison to anybody. Think. He killed sparrows with bare hands for fun. He is an abuser to people around. He is not the smartest even in the circle of his friend where you can encounter only dumb asses. He is not the wittest. He couldn’t come up with the idea of how to share eight slices of pizza among three personas. And how can a person be the most hardworking if he has never got a job or even has not graduated high school? Tell me please.

I am truly disappointed in him and I am also disappointed in myself for how I could let this person do all the bad stuff he has done. I could stop him at some points of his pathetic life. I was just too freaking scared to have anything to do with him since he was more superior than me. I was a little scared kitty could not stand for herself or weaker.

He mentally and physically destroyed me and my soul. He took power over me and destroyed me. I cannot forgive myself for letting him do it. He was the worst man in the family. Whilst Steve or father did not beat me when I was a kid, he beat me as hard as possible. He hated girls and wanted to teach me how cruel our world is. He would beat my dog as well. He uses physical power when cannot get what he wants. He did it even with his own mother or father. They were scared of him as everyone in the family. I am more than sure that he has got loads and loads of mental problems.

You may have noticed that I’m using present tenses. That’s because he is alive. My various attempts to kill him were kind of a failure and he almost killed me in response. I bet if he was less tall, I would kill him one hundred percent. He got away with every crime he has done. I am the one who sits in jail. I came clean because that is the right thing to do. He otherwise has a different opinion on this. He got away with everything. He does not pay for even one sin of his. I genuinely wanted him to suffer as he deserves to but I did not know how to do it. And I still don’t.

No Life For Little Girls

As I said before, this wackadoodle hates women, especially little and innocent girls who just turn six. I have never seen a man or any person at all who would hate these girls so much. He literally cannot stand them. He turns into a monster around them, wanting to hit them, beat, harass, curse, and everything you can imagine.

Imagine how he lived when there were two little girls in the house plus one woman who gave birth to these weird creatures. He actually beated the mother when found out that she was having a girl. Twice. And, also, did not want to let her get into the house with a born girl. Like, boyyy. You came out of a woman. If there was no woman, no man would have been alive.

I don’t want to make a scene out of it, so I am going to be as short as possible.

When I was six years old, he was perhaps the coldest person to me in the world. He never helped me with homework, escorted to school, or went out with me. No matter how much mother would ask, he always refused to have anything to do with me or my sister. However, once he agreed to go out with me for one hour. I repeat that I was still six years old. I was really surprised as well as every single soul in this family.

“Are you really going to play with her? Or just throw it somewhere to forget?” was the question from the mother.

“Shut up and piss off. I am not going to do anything bad.”

“Okay. Okay. No problem.”

The next fact that surprised and disappointed me was that he dressed me. And then we went out. We were supposed to play in the neighborhood, however, this person took me somewhere far and far away.

“Where are we going? Aren’t we supposed to play near the house?” asked scared me.

“Do you really wanna play there?”

“I don’t know. It’s the only place where I played.”

“I’m gonna show you the place where it’s one hundred percent more interesting to play. You will like it.”

“Okay. But let’s not go somewhere really far away. I’m scared.”

“Shut up. Everything’s gonna be just fine. Why are you scared ahead of time? It's a rhetorical question. Don’t answer.”

“What does a rhetorical question mean?”

“You really don’t know?”

“I’m six.”

“I knew it when I was six. It means that you, girl, are kind of less smarter than me, boy.”

“Mother said that being smart does not depend on whether you are a girl or a boy.”

“She’s a woman. She does not want to lose. Also, it’s just a type of consolation for women, saying that you can be as smart as men.”

“So women are not that good to compare with me?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. See, it was always this way. Men were always dominants, while women were kind of under or behind men. Try to picture your mother and father. Who is taller and bigger?”

“Father.”

“See? Men are always bigger and taller than women, Women are petite and fragile. It’s actually not always the case because some women are bigger, but it means that they will be pariahs. No one will want to play with you.”

“But I don’t want to be petite and fragile. I want to be like superwoman. Strong, powerful, ambitious, confident-”

“Shut up. You have no idea what you are talking about. It’s just an imaginary movie that was created by women to feel those feelings for a couple of minutes. But it’s not reality. In reality, if you do not obey a man, you are nothing.”

“Okay. I understand you. Does our mom know about it?”

“She’s learning. But she knows it as perfectly as you. Every woman knows it. It was in their blood for generations.”

“Where is your place? We have been going there for fifteen minutes already.”

“One more minute.”

I vividly remember our path and that place. We were going there for more than fifteen minutes. I have never been there before. We stopped in the really scary neighborhood. There was no really great children's playground. Only one swings and that was it.

“There is nothing to play with. What are we going to do here?”

“We’re gonna make our own seesaw. Okay?”

“Okay. But how?”

“We will need a board that we will place balanced on this small fence.”

We did everything and our seesaw was ready. Then we started playing. I was sitting on one side, and Ilon on the other side moved the board up and down. It was actually kind of funny. We created our own seesaw. I had never done that before with my mother. I was smiling, laughing, and having genuinely the best time.

However, it was not what it looked like. It was set up to do bad stuff towards me as a girl. After three minutes on seesaw he released the board when I was at the highest point. I fell on the ground and started screaming really, really loudly. I was crying and feeling so much pain in my right hand. It was the pain I have never felt before. I was six, so it was a new experience for me and I have no idea what to do. When I started screaming

Ilon, Ilon,

he was not there. I did not notice when he left and why he did it. I thought he went for the ambulance and decided to lay on the ground and wait.

Almost thirty minutes went by and he did not come back yet. I did not know what to do at all. I felt so desperate at that moment, realising that I was not able to help myself. It was a strange neighbourhood. I knew no one there. I had no idea how to get home because I forgot some turns, plus I would need to cross the street. I really thought I would die there. However, I was lucky that one mother with her son was passing by and noticed me, lying on the ground and crying. I told them everything and they got me to the hospital where a doctor put gypsum on my hand. I knew the number of my mother, so a woman called her and told everything about what happened. She came as soon as possible and took me home.

Ilon was at home, playing some video games.

“Have you lost your mind, boy? You broke her arm? Are you insane? You are a grown up man and cannot behave around a 6-year-old girl?” was the question of my mother.

“Don’t you dare to yell at me. I taught her an extremely valuable lesson.”

“And what is the lesson?”

“She had to feel pain. Real pain. Not the sulk when you did not buy her a candy.”

Silence. I was standing there and hardly holding my tears. I remembered everything he said. My mother was standing in shock there as well.

“Are you serious?”

“As never before.”

“You broke the arm of a 6-year-old girl, so that she felt real pain?”

“Yes.”

“You are thirty five years old. You are a grown up man. Are you freaking insane? You didn’t break your arm to feel that pain. Why did you do it to her?

“I am a man for God’s sake. She is a girl. You women never felt real pain. You have no idea how cruel this world is. You see everything through pink glasses-”

“That’s not true, you freaking sexist.”

“That’s the only response you can come up with.”

“She cannot do anything without right hand. Do you offer your help wiping her butt?”

“That’s not my problem anymore.”

He came to me and sat on his knees.

“How bad was your pain?” he asked me, looking evilly in my eyes.

I was six years old but that did not mean that I couldn’t lie. I did it pretty well. Circumstances taught me.

“I felt no pain, jerk.”

“See, she won’t be like other weak girls if you’re gonna treat her stricter.”

He went away and there were me and my mother. She stood there, trying to grasp something. I guess she thought about what Ilon had said. Then she looked at me.

“I guess he’s right.”

It was the point of no return when she started to hate me and treat me worse. He destroyed my relationship with my mother. It was already enough to end his life.

How Much I Can Bear

I thought, and you probably did as well, that breaking an arm for someone who is not you is kind of crazy. Especially if that person is four times smaller and younger than you. And your sister. You have absolutely no right to hurt another person. I said five hundred eighty seven times that you are forbidden to hurt anyone. Why do people think that they are the goddess and can do whatever their bright mind can come up with? It is absolute nonsense. Don’t you dare to tell me otherwise.

I actually have no idea where I am supposed to start. His actions, I guess, had many reasons. Overall hate towards me made him do it. I don’t think it was one thing.

For instance, he hates that girls have to get themselves together before going out way longer than men. He once threw away my hairdryer, so that I didn’t use it and spent less time on preparation when he had to take me to school. In my own defence I will say that I was always on time and he never had to wait for me. He just wanted to get going ten or even fifteen minutes earlier. Plus, I had to go on the streets with wet hair, therefore, I got sick all the time. Or he would tear either my dresses and skirts or pants. He explained that I have to choose who I want to be. I am either a fragile lady with all the manners who wears only feminine clothes with no pants or I am a tomboy with an extremely short haircut who wears nothing but a hoodie and pants. Nothing of these two options could satisfy him because ladies are nothing but his accessory and tomboys are just a wrong interpretation of girls. Also, he would hit me if I curse, because apparently girls cannot curse. It does not fit their nature. A hell lotta things about women’s nature drives him crazy.

So, let us already cut to the chase. I was thirteen when it happened. Quite a traumatic experience by the way. October 13th. I am heading home from school in a pretty great mood because no one had bullied me, plus, I got A+ or something like that. It was kind of a great feeling, you know. However, I did not reach the house in that amazing mood. On halfway when I turned to the calm street five boys attacked me. They were about fifteen to sixteen. I didn't really get the chance to look at them clearly, but they were way taller than me but still not grown men. It was the only thing about that.

“Help me. Help me.” I started screaming really, really loudly, so that someone would help me.

A tip for those who want to protect themselves in such situations: scream

Fire, Fire

 because people are not gonna help you to get out of the hands of maniak or something like that. Why would they jeopardize their lives for a stranger? So, as you can guess, no one helped me. There were two big men but they got scared of five teenagers. Happens to everyone.

“Shut up, sweetie.”

It was kind of disappointing since I always call people sweetie.

“Don’t make any wrong moves or we’re gonna kill you.”

“You really gonna hit a girl who is way smaller and younger than you for nothing?”

“Why for nothing? Your brother paid each of us $20.”

“You really tell me that your dignity costs $20?”

I shouldn’t have said that. I never could learn when is the right moment to shut my mouth. They hit me a couple of times for this.

“So, listen carefully. We here have a plan. Or to be more specific, your dear brother gave us a plan and we are going to stick to it. It’s actually pretty rough, so if you want to save your disgusting face, don’t say anything that can offend us. Got it?”

“If I say that you all look like pieces of shit and act like pieces of shit, will you hit me?”

I have no idea why I doubted them. They were pretty much loyal to Ilon.

“Let’s put aside our emotions and all the other stuff. Why don’t you listen to your brother?”

“Is that really your question? Don’t you think that it’s kind of messed up that a thirty-year-old man asks a bunch of teenagers to beat his 13-year-old sister? Is that okay with you?”

“Is that your answer?”

“No, no. Lemme finish. So, why do I disobey my dear brother who put so much effort and time into raising me? Huh, there are several compelling reasons. The first one is that he is not my mommy and daddy to even listen to him. I owe him nothing and he just uses the fact that he’s bigger and stronger than me. And the second reason is that what he wants me to hear is nonsense. He wants me to be a feminine and fragile girl whose only destiny is to find a husband. No matter what the person he is. Just a husband. Oh, also, he treats me like shit. And there’s no way that I will treat him with respect. No way. That is my answer, you bastards.”

“Great. We are, by the way, audiotaping it, so that he could listen and analyze your answers.”

“Okay. My pleasure. Do I only need to answer questions?”

“No. There will be only one more question and after that I will tell you what’s next. So, why didn’t you go to the kickboxing lessons with your brother when he asked you to?”

“Oh, my God. He is insane.”

“You are really looking for problems. Just answer the question.”

“I did not and still do not want to do kickboxing. I do not find this kind of sport particularly appealing to me. Is that clear?”

“That’s it. Now we need to make a scar on your cheek and cut your hair really short since you don't define yourself as a woman.”

“I do define myself as a woman!”

“Then why do you curse and wear pants?”

“If you think so, then there’s no woman on Earth.”

“Whatever. Tip for you: don’t try to make it harder.”

I decided to stay calm and not make it harder for myself. I knew that there was no way for me to escape that situation. They laughed and mocked me all the way through. Real gentlemen.

“How short do you want your hair?”

“Do I have a choice?

”

“Hahahaha. No, of course, you shitty bitch.”

They cut my hair extremely short and ugly. They did not do that to complete the task but to laugh and use me. They firstly cut my bangs. Actually, a couple of times in different styles. Then cut me almost bald in some places and in some places left long hair. It was humiliating. I have never felt such shame. I wanted to pass out there and forget what had happened.

“And the last task and you are free is getting you a scar. Your brother is actually a saint. He said that we can only do a beautiful and small scar on the cheek of your choice. You can choose. Give you ten seconds, and then we do whatever we want.”

“Left one.”

“Why left?”

“Because I chose so.”

“Okay, honey. Let’s do the left cheek. I actually have never cut anyone, so I have no idea how deep I should cut, with which pace, knife-”

“You, five grown boys, genuinely enjoy harassing a single person who is weaker than you, don’t you?”

“Piss off with your stupid philosophy. No one needs it here. Especially you.”

“Do it already and let me go.”

I felt that they were kind of offended by my words. They did not want to stop. I bet if he told them to kill me, these bastards would kill me, but before they would mock me, harass me, and maybe do sadistic actions towards my body.

They cut not a really beautiful and small scar. Moreover, on the right cheek. That dude is one hundred percent had childhood traumas.

“Why would you cut it in the right cheek when I clearly said on the left one?”

“You disobey too much.”

“Gosh. It's the twenty-first century. I am not a property of yours to disobey you.”

“Shut up, sweetie. That’s it. We’re gonna get going and you head home right away.”

They released me and I fell on the ground and covered my face. I wanted to wait when they would go far away from me. When they were like a mile ahead of me, I got up and ran home as quickly as possible. I cried, cursed, and thought about my pathetic life where my, not strange, family wanted to take control over me. When I got home, there was only Ilon. I was scared to be in the apartment with this jerk by myself. I decided to be strong and fearless and resist him.

“Why would you do this to me?” asked me with rege in the eyes.

“I’m glad you went through it. It is an important experience of my life.”

“It does not explain anything.”

“Why? You gave pretty spicy answers and got physical pain. What everyone should feel on Earth. As God said “We should go through pain every single day and suffer every single day in order to have peace in the afterlife.”

“A bunch of teenagers beat and mocked me. You let them do it. You paid them, Gosh. It must be so humiliating for you.”

“No, it was not. You just, sweetie, cannot get the fact that if you are a woman, you are supposed to be a woman. If you were, they wouldn’t have touched you.”

“It’s nonsense. There’s no such rule.”

“If you live around me, you must follow the rules.”

“They got me a scar. And when I asked them to do it on the left cheek, they did it on the right one.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. I will handle this. Now you can go and rest. Tomorrow you can start your feminine life if you do not want something worse to happen to you.”

“Are you serious? I don’t know exactly what rules to follow.”

“Here’s them,” he gave me a bunch of sheets of paper, “follow these rules.”

I was shocked and disappointed. I clearly did not want to follow any silly rules. However, I did not wanna be beaten up as well. There was only one way to live a peaceful life in that house. That way is to obey the members of the fa