No Other Choice

You Have No Heart

I hate people who don’t respect others, those who think that they can easily offend someone and get away with it. Honey, it does not work this way. Karma is real and I know it for sure, trust me. Moreover, as I said before, you have rights until you bother another person. It’s that simple. I don’t know when people started thinking that they can hit another person, damage or steal the property of another person, or even yell or curse on anyone. Is it like a trend or something? It’s extremely weird for me.

In my family everyone is that person. That person who does not care about anyone around them, even about a family. I myself don’t really enjoy the concept of the family, but when someone is in trouble, you help them no matter what. You don’t curse them, you don’t beat them. You treat them the way you want to be treated. That’s it. And I’m really sorry for those who can relate to me. It's a truly disgusting feeling.

My sister did not learn anything from our last fight about Vivien, laptop, and police. She did not make any conclusions. She kept doing shit to me. She kept supporting mother in mocking me. She kept making pranks, joking with me. I had no idea how to change such behavior. It’s impossible. I tried to talk to her. No luck. So I guess it is okay that she is not alive anymore. Otherwise, she would bug people around her so much.

However, that's not the point of this chapter. The point is to show what the last reason that led me to end the life of Agnes. She was cruel to me all the time and this situation just proved me right.

I have been bulimic since I was 13 years old. Some people don’t consider bulimia a real disease which is extremely frustrating for those who suffer from this. As you probably guess, no one in my family thought of bulimia as a true issue. I actually had no intentions to tell them about this diagnos at all. I knew that they wouldn’t understand me. However, Agnes helped them to find it out! Thank you by the way.

It’s kind of a really embarrassing experience for me, so I will tell the story short with no deep details. I still have bulimia, so I hope you will understand it.

It was December the 7th. I was 17 years old when it happened. And Agnes was 16 years old. If I heard this story, I would never have believed that it was true. She is the devil but not in the sense as Amy from Gone Girl. This girl was a literal psycho. I bet you would be disgusted if you met her.

Cut to the chase, it is quite hard to hide such a diagnosis in any family. For me it was hard as expected. Six people live in one apartment. Three bedrooms. Two in each one. It’s actually not that extreme but still. I could not hide really well because those people are not permanently employed. Some of them work a month, then two month off. Circle. Some of them don’t work at all. Some of them are having weird and hectic schedules, so I have no idea about their daily agenda. Plus, they, I guess, are introverts because going out is not for them. Or a better answer for them would be no friends. Sorry, but it’s true, these junkies are not created for any friendships. And when I say it, I mean it. They cannot get along even with their family. With other relatives. They are insane, I swear!!!! But let us get to the facts.

Apparently, Agnes once found out about my issue. I don’t know what's supposed to be in the head to make next actions. She put a camera in the toilet and recorded me. Well hidden, bravo! I did not notice this. At all. What can I say. This whole process is disgusting. I take a pill, put two fingers in my mouth and then it comes out. I’m always trying to get as much as I can, so I am pushing really hard. And it was all on the videotape. After I came out, she immediately went to the toilet and took the camera. As she said to me. What was then is kind of crazy as well.

Next two weeks were a nightmare. She had been blackmailing me till I hit her in the wall. In the beginning, I did not know who it was. The video was sent to me from a random email. I knew it was someone from my family but I wasn’t sure. I thought it was my mom because she hated me the most. Therefore, I did a couple pranks on her. Really cruel ones, I’m not gonna tell you about them. But in three days I decided to check her phone and I did not find any emails, videos and so on. It was not her. My list was narrowed down to Agnes, Steve, Ilon, and my dad. He was a villain as well. I did a lot of research on the phones of Steve and Ilon. It wasn’t them. Something told me that it was Agnes. My gut felt it. Dad is too detached. I bet it was Agnes. While she was eating one day in the kitchen, I took her phone and found that video. That girl was the cruelest creature in the world, I swear. However, as it always happens with me, I did not have a chance to delete a video. She came into the room out of blue for her freaking phone. And she could vividly see me searching on her phone. I actually did not notice how she entered the room, so I was kind of shocked when someone slapped me in the cheek and then in the other one. I lost the phone out of my hands and out of my sight. I tried to find it but she was yelling at me and beating me. I did as well in response. It was going on for six minutes. I ended up with nothing. She posted this shit on Facebook in the group of our town where every single soul was following.

I cannot describe to you how embarrassed and betrayed and angry and disappointed I felt. It wasn’t worse than losing a dog at all but still my soul was so hurt. It was so weird to me how a close person to you could do something like that to you. I know that it may not be a big deal for someone but it most certainly for me, so it was just the last drop. I could not handle that person who constantly tried to mess me with dirt. No. I didn't deserve that. Definitely.

Snitches End Up In Ditches

She is a snitch and she is going to end up in a ditch. Or better to say she has already ended up in ditches. My dear sister. The first thing I want to tell you is that I’m not a psycho or at least I don’t think so. All of these decisions are hard for me. Really hard. My hands and legs are shaking for weeks before and after what I do. I always regret what I’ve done. I always cry about it. But they deserved that. And if you don’t agree with me, fine, it’s okay. No one is supposed to agree with me. You have the right to have your own opinion.

But let’s focus on a more important topic. The way I killed her. It’s not a pleasant moment at all for me. I don’t enjoy such stuff. I didn’t wanna kill her in the first place. But it happened and I couldn’t help it.

I’m not gonna tell all the details since it was a very painful experience for me, even though she was a jerk towards me. In a couple words, I cut her throat. I wanted her to die unpainfully. But something went wrong. She was trying to fight me back and she was suffering for fifteen minutes. Gosh, at that moment I wanted to cut my throat as well. I felt her pain and, I guess, I regretted it 50 times. No one was at home. I predicted that. I threw her body in the woods where he left Vivien. I also was there for five hours and three of them I was looking for my baby dog. No luck, unfortunately.

I went to bed at 3:00 AM and I did not sleep at all. I was crying for three hours and then went to work. I recovered pretty quickly. Took only three weeks. Cops were kind of disappointed in our family. The third person died out of six. I was a good actress though, they did not suspect me at all. They thought it was her boyfriend because he left as soon as she was claimed missing. He knew he did not do anything but he was so scared of the police. I actually don’t know what happened to him. So, yeah, I was the only girl in the family.

CHAPTER FIVE: STEVE

Man, Though Not A Man

Steve was just one year older than me but he strongly believed that since I’m a girl I know nothing about life, challenges, and other bullshit. He always thought that girls are created for love and they cannot perform tasks that are performed by me. He thought that women are different and less sophisticated species and we will never be able to be equal to me. In his opinion, patriarchy helps to “bridle” petulant women. Sexism is okay with him since again women are not that developed creatures. Feminism is bullshit since women are not supposed to have more rights than men. I guess he lost somewhere a definition of feminism. He also thought that lgbtq+ are not people, so he beated them on the streets. He beated them so hard that one guy became blind. It’s actually kind of cool that he did not have education because he would learn politics for sure and become a congressman and would make life of ours worse.

I guess the explanation above kind of wholly describes a person, his views, values, and principals. But here are some facts. He was year older than me and never worked for more than two weeks on one job when I aka stupid girl managed to have one job for five years. He drinks and smokes weed as everyone in this family. But he did not think that women are allowed to do it since they are future mothers. I never tried to drink or smoke but it would be great to mess with him this way. He, as a true man, is interested in cars, beer, and football. He, as a true man, was an abuser as well. His girlfriend was always with cuts and bruises. They hang out in our apartment because both of them cannot rent another one. They ate all the food I bought. They kissed on my bed. They probably had intercourse on my bed. He beated her in front of us. I tried to stop him but he would just hit me as well. I told her 23 times to leave him but she was too afraid that he would kill her and her family. I understood her because a life with an abuser usually looks this way. So I kind of helped her by ending the life of my dear brother. He treated everyone like dirt. Even his girlfriend, a person who you are supposed to love the most in the world. Or maybe he just did not have a heart to feel anything.

Moreover, he quite often hit Vivien. I remember when I was sitting in the kitchen doing my homework and then I heard the loud sound of my dog. I ran to the living room and saw Vivien in the corner and Steve standing over her. I hit him as well, took Vivien in my room and closed the door. How can you hit the dog? Try to fight with someone your complectation. Oh, by the way he was 5’5 which is not a really cool height for a true man. He made fun of me and I made fun of his height. In addition, he was really weak. He did not attend gym, so his upper body strength was kind of smaller than mine. It was cool for me since I could hit him sometimes and get away with it.

We actually were friends when we were six to nine years old. Back then our parents did not make us rivalries as it was with me and Agnes. Therefore, we had a couple of years to live as a family. We played together, went out together, and ate together. We did everything together. I actually do not remember when we got in our first conflicts but I remember that by age of twelve we weren’t friends anymore. Parents also affected this because, as you already know, my mother hated me the most and every kid was on her side. Steve is not an exception. He was kind of a sweet kid when was little. Loved painting cars and people, reading about boys from good families, and going out to play hide and seek.

He was as cruel as Agnes, maybe less but still destroyed many lives. I don’t deserve to live as well as he does not deserve to waste precious air.

Drunk And Stupid

It was, I guess, the most humiliating experience in my life. I have never wanted the floor to swallow me so badly. It was the reason why I had to skip school for almost two weeks. It was the reason why no one in the school wanted to talk to me. It was the reason why some teachers lowered my scores. Thank you once again, Dear Steve. I hope you hear it in hell.

I was in 11th grade back then and he was in the 12th. Senior. He was supposed to graduate and go to college. Steve was supposed to have a better life and, also, moved out of our apartment. But no, he decided to be a cool boy, an unrestrained boy, a boy who is loved by dozens of girls. He always wanted to be an alpha male. It lives in his blood rent-free. He tried to impress not just girls but boys as well. He was kind of a narcissist, so it was expected. He cursed a lot, fought a lot, and was a jerk a lot. At some point, he acted a little bit like Jess from Gilmore Girls. Jess was a jerk.

So, let’s get to the point. He always tried to impress someone. And, once, he was at a party where some guys who truly did not like him forced him to drink almost a gallon of beer. You know what? He did it. He drank 3.5 liters of beer. I always thought that it was impossible or at least you die. If you thought that it was impossible, take my word. He was so drunk. He did so much shit at that party. Guys tried to make him fall asleep, but they could not. I was at that party and saw his wild behavior and everyone saw his wild behavior.

Here is the damage that he made in a form of a list:

Broke the table in the kitchen. That table was really fancy and big, by the way. I personally did not see how he did it. But there were dozens of people, so they told me that he was trying to repeat the dance of Juls from 10 things I hate about you. He did not consider the fact that he is fat and if you jump, you can break things. The cost he should've repaid was $1350 and it was kind of a blessing because that table cost over $4000. Guess who paid for that? Yep, that was me.

Cut the sofa with a knife. You read it right. He took a knife and cut the most expensive sofa I’ve ever seen fourteen times. He thought that some treasure was hidden there. I was there and I tried to stop him. I was the only person who tried to stop him. Everyone just stared and laughed and took pictures. I did not pay for that. I was lucky that Jim's parents were sensible people and they knew about my situation, so they told me not to pay anything. Steve got a job and paid for all the damage, excluding the table in the kitchen. I just felt bad for not paying anything.

Four vases in the garden. Four of the most sophisticated vases I’ve ever seen. They were fabulous and expensive. $500 for each.

Do you think it was the whole damage he made? No. No. People don’t kill others for such stuff. You need more. And I got more the next day.

It was a beautiful morning on October 23rd. I was sitting in my AP English class and guess who came. Steve. No, it wasn’t his class. He had never taken even IB classes. He came loaded, wasted, drunk, and all adjectives you can remember about a drunk person.

He went into the room and threw up. Fortunately, did not on someone. And here’s the conversation between him and people in the classroom.

“Get out of here, young boy.” said the teacher.

“Shut up. I just had a bad night.”

“See yourself out of this class, Steve,” I yelled.

“Okay, Gimme money.”

“I’m not your mommy to give you money.”

“Both out of the classroom.” The teacher yelled.

“Why? I didn’t do anything. I tried to help. Please.”

“She tried to help!” said Steve.

He started reaching the teacher and, I swear, my whole life went in front of my eyes. He could do whatever you can possibly imagine.

“She tried to help you get me out of this room. And you said that she should leave as well? Have you lost your mind?”

“Stop it, Steve. I’m already on my way. No need for conflicts.”

“Listen to your sister.”

“He’s not my brother.”

As soon as I opened the door, I heard a really loud slap. I turned around and saw a teacher lying on the floor. He hit her so hard that he fell. Moreover, he took her purse and ran out of the classroom.

“You idiot, come back!”

Everyone started laughing. I followed him to get the purse back. Otherwise, we would’ve been both thrown from this school to jail. I was faster and stronger than him, so I reached him and fought the pursue back. I came back to the classroom and gave the purse to the teacher.

“I am so sorry for his behavior. Believe me, I did not want that to happen.”

A tense pause.

“Get out of here. You’re gonna leave this school right away.”

“Please-”

“I don’t want to listen to you. Get out. You’re gonna talk with a headmaster.”

I took a deep breath and went to the office of the headmaster. “It’s a public school. No one is going to blame me for what I did not do,” thought my silly head.

I was wrong. In two words I was dismissed from school for ten work days. No matter how hard I tried, no one wanted to listen to me.

And Steve was excluded from the school and decided not to graduate. Cool. I have to take care of one more morron. When I got home, he wouldn’t speak with me. I tried to explain it to my parents but they wouldn’t listen. I felt so bad. I always wanted to graduate school and this situation just proved to me one more time that I was not capable of doing it. No one in my family was capable of doing it. It just lives in our blood, genes or whatever.

To cut to the chase, I came back to school after those two weeks. It was kind of hard to focus when everyone, including teachers, tried to mock you. However, I handled it. I had no intention to give up on my dream, so I pushed it. After three weeks or so everyone sort of forgot it.

But that situation, I guess, took five years out of my life. I was so stressed out for over a month. It’s okay now. He did not even once say sorry. He did not try to be nice to me even a little. He treated me like dirt. I was so sick of this. He thought that he was a man and men are not supposed to make women happy. Gosh, I bet he died a virgin. Little moron.

Another Pity Situation

Small incidents can happen. It’s a part of our lives. We all make mistakes and it’s expected. We cannot be perfect, do everything right, and live a life without being adventurous. However, sometimes small incidents grow into bigger ones and it makes everyone around so uncomfortable that killing is the only way out. I swear. I know that murdering someone is because of small things, such as being a jerk, throwing up in the classroom, or stealing a teacher’s purse. No. It’s okay to do this stuff. It’s totally normal. No killing for being a little adventurous but when a person is doing stuff that is considered a misdemeanor or even crime, I can easily end the life of this person and make them end up in jail for plenty of reasons.

Actually stealing someone’s purse is kind of illegal, so it’s already making me put someone in jail. However, it was just, I don’t know how to say, the beginning. What he did next would make everyone go crazy, insane, mad.

Since the beginning of high school I had been saving money for college. I knew that it was the only way for me to get out of that apartment, town, and life. During those four years I did not buy any unnecessary stuff for myself. I did not buy new clothes, shoes, various food, supplies for school (my classmates gave me), just everything that comes to mind. I only bought a laptop for better work, and something more but I don’t remember exactly. I saved $60,000. And it was not the end. I had like six, seven months more. However, it’s not enough, but I considered taking a loan, working on campus, and winning scholarships. “I am a smart girl. I am going to handle it,” I thought. However, everything turned out differently. Very differently. Thanks to my dear brother!

I found missing money on January the 4th. I do not celebrate New Years, so it was not me drunk who did this. That day I got a salary and wanted to keep 70% of it. I went to my money-saving place. There was not even a cent. There was literally nothing but wind. I sat there in complete silence, not realizing what was happening. I thought that it was just a prank, and someone would come to me and say “Oh my God, you bought the joke. Here is your money.” But it did not happen in 2 minutes. It did not happen in 5 minutes. In 15 minutes. 30 minutes. 1 hour. I was sitting there waiting for a miracle. I skipped everything in the next 12 hours. I did not cry. Did not sulk. I was just waiting. Who could take my money? It’s really an immense amount.

After 12 hours I came to mind. I started asking everyone whether they took my money. Everyone said no. As always no one wanted to help me. I thought it was Agnes, but it was not her. I believed her. And then I noticed $100 at Steve's desk. He never has money. Especially such a big amount. He was not home and I had no idea where he went, so I decided to wait at home. He came in 3 hours. I came to him and started asking questions. I don't remember which exactly but he didn’t answer any of them. He was acting like I’m insane but I knew I was right. He said that those $100 are his because he earned them. Of course, he did not earn them. I couldn’t crack him, so I decided to compromise.

“If you tell me where my money is, I will give you 10% of it. It’s $6,000. Think about it.”, said me, thinking that he wouldn’t refuse this offer.

“It’s actually a really generous offer and I would accept it if I had that money.”

“What are you talking about? You don’t have my money?”

“I did have them, but currently I do not possess them.”

“What did you do?”

“I bought a car.”

He has no compassion towards anybody. Steve was standing in front of me and smiling and smiling. He could not close his mouth. And I was about to burst into tears.

“I don’t believe you. Please tell me you’re joking.”

“No, I’m not.”

“How could the idea of taking someone’s money come to the head of anybody? It wasn't yours. You know that it’s a crime? And you can go to jail?

“You have no evidence. Therefore, I won’t be sitting in jail, sweety.”

“Why would you do that? You know this money for college.”

“You really think you can get into college? Not even community college will take you. All you do is try to escape this world. You are trying to forget who you are. You think that college will help you? No. They don't need people like us, they don’t need people like you. You just have to realize that we are who we are.”

“It’s bullshit. Many people like us get into colleges and start a new life. You think that it’s impossible because you are a lazy asshole and did nothing valuable in your pathetic life. That's why you think it’s not for us.”

“Think whatever you want. Anyway you have no money. So forget it.”

I was in shock. This guy had no dignity, kindness, sincerity. He just took my money and bought a freaking car. He didn’t even have a driver’s licence.

To cut to the chase, I spent two month looking for justice. Police refused to help me since it was a family incident and we have to handle it on our own. Moreover, I couldn’t find any evidence and couldn’t sell that car. Therefore, I had to accept the loss. Actually, I did it okay because I still had the opportunity to apply for college for the next year, save even more money, and make my application better. There’s no need to cry because of the past.

However, I had a revenge. Since I had nothing to lose, I decided to destroy the car. He left nothing for me, and I left nothing for him. I took a hammer and broke all the windows. I took the paint and painted it in red and left a note “THIEF”. Then I slashed the tires, tore up all the furniture in the salon and filled it with gasoline, but I didn’t light it on fire. It would be too much. Also I videotaped it. You should have seen his face. Gosh, he started crying, cursing, and doing everything you can possibly imagine. Then he started screaming my name and I came out.

“You have such a lovely car, sweety.”

“What is freaking wrong with you?” he started approaching me.

I pulled out a gun.

“Stay away from me, bastard. You took not just my money but a dream. You did not buy this car for your money. You stole them. You are insane, not me. And if you do something bad to me again, I will kill you, sweete. You heard me?”

Silence.

“You heard me, bastard?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Fine. Now go and throw away this garbage.”