Freaks

Caroline Smailes and Nik Perring
Freaks!

Illustrated by Darren Craske

Dedication

To all who, if only for a moment,

felt that they didn’t belong.

Epigraph

‘But Lord! to see the absurd nature of Englishmen, that cannot forbear laughing and jeering at everything that looks strange’

SAMUEL PEPYS (1633–1703)

Contents

Title Page

Dedication

Epigraph

The Photocopier

Statuesque

Charlie and the Bees

The Six Days of Stetson

She Sees, Too

The Freak Show

Clipped Wings

In Her Basket

Fifty Per Cent

Invisible

Sixteen

Faulty Baby

Dancing With Annie

Soup

The Boner

Hello

One Day

Zombie Bangers

Getting the Girl

They Are There to Listen

Weight

Molly

Dear You

Control

No Sudden Movements

Dream Lover

Once I Caught a Fish Alive

Before I Lost You

The Plastic Boy

Translated

The Girl Who Made People Glad

My Boss

My Lover’s Shoes Don’t Fit Me (Any More)

Skinny Bitch

The Watermelon King

Dolly’s Magic Sweater

Jimmy Swift

Damaged

My Dad’s Boyfriend

Betty

I Want You to Ride Me Like a Pony

Magic Beans

Boy

What He Said

Wish You Were Here

Beauty

Maman, Flying

Acknowledgements

About the Authors

Other Books by Caroline Smailes, Nik Perring and Darren Craske

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

THE FREAKS:

Some of these stories have been written by Nik. Some of these stories have been written by Caroline. Some we’ve written together. But in the true spirit of superheroes, we couldn’t possibly reveal our identities.

THE STORIES:

The Photocopier. Statuesque. Charlie and the Bees. The Six Days of Stetson. She Sees Too. The Freak Show. Clipped Wings. In Her Basket. Fifty Per Cent (1). Fifty Per Cent (2). Invisible. Sixteen. Faulty Baby. Dancing With Annie. Soup. The Boner. Hello. One Day. Zombie Bangers. Getting the Girl. They Are There to Listen. Weight. Molly. Dear You. Control. No Sudden Movements. Dream Lover (1). Dream Lover (2). Once I Caught a Fish Alive. Before I Lost You. The Plastic Boy. Translated. The Girl Who Made People Glad. My Boss. My Lover’s Shoes Don’t Fit Me (Any More). Skinny Bitch. The Watermelon King. Dolly’s Magic Sweater. Jimmy Swift. Damaged. My Dad’s Boyfriend. Betty. I Want You to Ride Me Like a Pony. Magic Beans. Boy. What He Said. Wish You Were Here (1). Wish You Were Here (2). Beauty. Maman, Flying.

The day after me thirteenth birthday me mum said she had something massive to tell me. At first I reckoned she was going to say that me dad wasn’t me dad or that she was pregnant with Bill from next door’s sperm, but instead she just stood up and started spinning on the spot. At first I reckoned she’d lost the plot but then she started exploding.

And five other mums shot out of her.

I swear to Christ it was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen. There was me with wee in me knickers, with six of me mums standing there smiling at me like nutters. Me Main Mum said that the reason she was showing me her true self was ’cause she reckoned that I was a photocopier like her and that we’d know for sure in a couple of months.

I reckon I spent most of that year spinning on the spot in the front room with me six mums cheering me on, and me Main Mum telling me to spin faster or that I wasn’t trying me hardest or that I needed to want it more. Course I never went

It was just me getting dizzy and trying not to throw up on me mums’ carpet. But still, every day, I kept practising me spinning, faster and faster on that very same spot, hoping to Christ that one day me mums’d say I’d done good.

After that year me six mums sat me down and me Main Mum told me that they reckoned it was time I gave up me spinning. She said they’d been talking, her and me other mums, and that they’d figured that I’d never be like them. Me Main Mum said they reckoned that it was about time I concentrated on being ordinary.