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JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS

After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario.

I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money.

For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife’s arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn’t see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor.

The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty.

The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made.

I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet.

I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn’t hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so.

I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn’t wonder if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it.

Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy.

Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling.

The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls.

This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below.

Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over.

I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over.

We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride.

My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh.

When we had seen her magisty’s soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted.

We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them.

I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, “suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better.”

Thare iz one thing that Niagara don’t lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz professional guides.

Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong points ov the place.

One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful.

During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies.

He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immortal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore-fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it.

But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan’t so green.

He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady’s head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing “A life on the ocean wave” on a base vial.

After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him.

He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he thought we possibly might be twins.

I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a ded beat.

Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents.

Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water’s edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs.

It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are familiar with the step.

I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacrilegisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a paltry piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dollars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal.

In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it.

SUM VERY BLANK VERSE – THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT

 
Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook,
Expektant lays the spekeld trout.
April showers, with blood from
Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet’s
Veins, and dancing on its buzzum
Cums sunlite and shaddo
Hand in hand.
Just here the verdant willow bends,
To lave its tapring fingers
In the kristal flood,
And fragrant spearmint scents the
Creeping wind.
Close by, upon the alders highest limb
Swaying, the blackbird sits,
With mello thrut full ov April songs,
Responsiv tew the sadder notes
Of Robin red breast from yonder maple,
While sollum az phuneral cortege
The dusky crow beats his wing
Against the swimming ski.
’Tis Spring! or from the brooklet’s
Grassy bank the violets would not
Be stareing with their eyes ov
Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air
Would indistinkt be heard
The thousand echo’s waking,
Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep.
Sweet time! the yung year innocent.
Gentle Spring! in undress,
Unconscious ov her buty, spreds
Her golden tresses to the wanton wind,
While buds and blossoms early
Welkum the lovely goddess to
This throne of hers,
And reddy stand, with harps soft strung,
With dreamy musik,
Sweet time! ov all the varied year,
Most charming and oftnest sung.
 

* * * * * * * *

 
Akross the meddo,
Whissling a lively catch,
Just az the morning sun
Looks o’er the nabring hill,
Cums Afriks old and well-tanned son.
Old time haz bilt upon this darkey’s
Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twisted,
And shrunk hiz parchment skin
Cluss fitting tew hiz bones.
A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur,
Hiz hed engulphs,
And well filled with holes,
To let the water out that enters in;
One boot he wears, oddly mated
With a shoe ov anshunt daze.
From thrut to waist wide yawns
Hiz coarse and starchless shirt,
And over all, loose and ragged
Whips the wind, what once waz
Master’s Sunday koat.
Nearer az he cums, and ketches
With his well sped ear the
Streamlet’s morning son, hiz
Whissell stops, and creeps this
Olden darkey, with muffled tread,
Still nearer, where swiftly runs
The pearly waters, to hide
Beneath the shelvy bank.
The friendly willo, tho yung with leaves,
Between the early sun and dansing
Waters, spreads a quivring shade,
Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands.
Soon to hiz pole ov alder wood,
(Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,)
He ties the horse hair line,
(Himself did weave), and feeling
With hiz old fingers crisp the
Barbed hooks point, sure to be
That dullness waz not sleeping thare,
He takes (oh! nauty Ishmel!)
From out a quaint old bottle,
That hold perhaps a pint,
He takes —a drink,
Smackin his lips, and “bressing God,”
In menny a looped and squirming
Knott he hangs the hook about,
With fresh and tempting worms.
One step nearer – still one more —
Then waving in the air aloft
The flexile line, and light,
With hand unerring, the pole
Obedient drops the struggling
Worm just in the current’s mouth,
Whare the water fust begins its race.
Oh! art exquisitt! Oh! bliss extatic! —
(None but the Ishmahels hav lernt
This art, or this bliss felt.)
Down the brook’s swift thrut swims
The giddy worm, a fatal journey,
For darting, az a streak ov silvry light
From sentinal place, the
Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw
The barbed deceit.
Now who kan tell, with words enuff,
The thrill that follows?
I kant!
But stranger look! upon the grassy
Bank, dancing in deth, and see a
Two pound trout, game and butiful
To the last.
All day, shaddo like, Old Ishmahel
Steals up and down the stream,
And when the sun hiz daily rase
Haz well ni run,
With basket full, and bottle empty,
Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder
Than a king, goes whissling back
The way he cum.
 

THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER

After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.

Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.

This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into the world, to root.

The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.

A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them.

Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other.

One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water.

All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them.

Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon’s last sensashun in perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor’s window.

The genuine dandy – one who knows hiz bizzness – never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he kant reach the dignity ov love.

To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.

Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.

He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.

Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized.

Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag.

Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence.

But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.

Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker, than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.

This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog’s head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy.

Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.

It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father – or, “enny other man.”

The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thimbles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be invariably thar.

This pellet iz humorsly called the “little joker,” and iz carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger.

This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them.

If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards.

Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman.

It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that haz yet bin invented.

Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy.

They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pashions.

All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road.

Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.

One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.

LONG BRANCH IN SLICES

Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water.

The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus.

The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit.

The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders.

Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent deviltry.

I am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers.

The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the “oldest inhabitant” may help himself if he can.

The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun.

I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.

Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.

Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called “recruiting.”

They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more braceing than the sea-airing.

Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less.

Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short nozes turned up.

The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray – they will kontinue on to do so.

The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.

The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per day.

The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn’t postponed living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style.

I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring their best clothes with them.

Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.

I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it.

I didn’t bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny money.

I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages.

Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo.

The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, cluss bi Long Branch.

He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot.

The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.

The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns.

If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.

I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it.

Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.

Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it.

It will then be forever too late.

I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.

I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they do know how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country.