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CHAPTER 7
BEFORE
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
The phone on Dan’s desk rang, jangling loudly through the newsroom.
He looked at the clock: 5.45 p.m. Shit.
‘Yes?’
‘Hello, Dan. It’s Susan on reception. I’m sorry to bother you when you’re on deadline. It’s your wife. She says it’s urgent.’
He felt like correcting her and saying ‘ex-wife’, although technically that wasn’t the case. They were still married, but only on paper. Why was she calling him now? Better than a last-minute story coming through, which was what he’d feared, but not by much. It was never good news when she called these days.
‘You’d better put her through,’ he told Susan.
‘Right. Here she is.’
‘Hello?’
‘It’s Maria.’
‘I know. What can I do for you?’
‘There’s been an accident. I’m at A&E with Ruby.’
That got his attention. ‘What? Is she all right?’
‘Not really. She’s broken her arm.’
‘You’re joking. How?’
‘She fell down the stairs. She was playing with a friend.’
‘Bloody hell, Maria. How bad is it?’
‘I’m not a doctor, Dan. All I know so far is that the arm’s broken.’
Why did she always have to be so offhand with him? Dan wondered. His eyes drifted from the keypad of the desk phone to a half-finished mug of coffee that had long since gone cold. ‘Trust me, I’m a journalist!’ was printed on the side – a gift from Maria back in the good old days.
‘Which hospital are you at?’ he asked.
‘St Joseph’s. We only got here about half an hour ago. We’ll be ages yet.’
‘Can I talk to her?’
‘Hold on.’
There was a pause as Maria spoke to Ruby. All Dan could hear was a hospital announcement in the background.
‘She doesn’t want to,’ Maria said a moment later. ‘She’s in a lot of pain.’
‘Oh. Listen, I’d come to the hospital, but—’
‘But what?’
‘It’s Wednesday, Maria.’
She knew full well what that meant: deadline night for all three of his papers. But she was clearly in no mood for cutting him any slack.
‘Of course. Work comes first. What was I thinking?’
‘Don’t be like that. I’ll get out of here as soon as I can, but you know how it is. You said yourself there’s nothing to do but wait.’
‘Right.’
‘Thanks for letting me know.’
‘You’re her father.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Dan sighed. ‘Listen, I’ll call you in a bit when I’m done. See where you’re up to.’
‘Whatever.’
‘Come on, Maria. Don’t be like that. Are you sure she won’t speak to me?’
‘I have to go. Someone’s coming over.’
‘Wait … Hello?’ Damn. She’d hung up on him. Most of their phone calls seemed to end that way nowadays. Being separated was hard work – especially when a child was involved.
Was it unreasonable of him not to down tools and race over to the hospital immediately? Was that what most fathers would do? Probably, but he was so bloody busy. He found it so tough to strike the right balance with Ruby. The temptation, of course, was to wrap her up in cotton wool; do everything to keep her safe; pander to her every need. That was Maria’s way, but Dan knew it would only make Ruby more vulnerable in the long run. Wouldn’t they be better preparing her for the harsh realities she’d face later in life? Wasn’t that the best way to—
‘Smoke?’
He looked up to see Maurice standing next to his desk, a freshly rolled cigarette tucked behind one ear. There was a smile stretched across his ruddy face and he looked as laid-back as ever.
‘I’ve even got my own today,’ he said.
‘So I see.’
‘I can roll one for you too, if you like. Might as well take advantage while I have some baccy.’
‘No, thanks. I’ll stick to my Marlboro Lights. I will join you, though. I could do with a break.’
‘Good stuff.’
Maurice, who was in his late forties, had wavy salt and pepper hair that got increasingly messy the longer he spent at work. He was great company: a magnetic character, liked by everyone in the office. He was good at his job and fazed by nothing. Mostly, though, it was his easy manner that people warmed to; his ability to focus on whoever he was talking to and make them feel important. He’d listen and empathise in a way that made them want to confide in him, like they had a special relationship. It was quite the gift and especially useful as a bachelor. Despite his average looks, he always seemed to have several girlfriends on the go at once. Not that he’d ever boast about the fact; that wasn’t his style. He was more likely to look embarrassed than proud if someone brought it up.
‘Are you all right, mate?’ he asked Dan as they took the lift downstairs. ‘You look troubled.’
‘I had my wife on the phone. Ruby’s at A&E. She fell down the stairs and broke her arm.’
‘Oh, no. That’s awful. How’s she doing?’
‘Well, she’ll be there a while, by the sound of things.’
‘Are you getting out of here, then?’
‘I doubt it. Not for a few hours, anyway. I’ve still got loads to tie up. These things always happen on deadline day, don’t they?’
‘I can help, if you like. I’m not too busy.’
‘Thanks, but it’s not like I’d be able to do anything for her at the hospital.’
‘No, but you’re her dad. She’ll want you there. Trust me.’
Maurice had a daughter of his own – a nineteen-year-old from a short-lived relationship in his younger days – so he did know what he was talking about. However, he didn’t know how tricky things had been with Ruby recently. She hadn’t taken well to Dan moving out of the family home. He’d always suspected that she blamed him for the split with Maria and a few weeks ago she’d said as much. It was blurted out in anger and she’d apologised later on, claiming not to have meant it, but the words had stuck with Dan. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Weren’t the weekends with him supposed to be the fun time? Weren’t daughters supposed to be daddy’s girls? Welcome to reality, he thought.
By the time they went back inside, Dan had agreed to accept Maurice’s kind offer to stand in and finish his papers off for him.
‘You’re sure?’ he asked one more time before leaving for the hospital.
‘Go. Be with your daughter.’
‘Thanks, mate. I owe you.’
Half an hour later he was at St Joseph’s, where Ruby was slumped in a chair, her arm in a sling, waiting to have an X-ray.
‘Hello, darling,’ he said, crouching down next to her and kissing her pale cheek, careful not to brush against her arm.
She gave her best attempt at a smile, although it barely registered on her drawn face. ‘Hi, Daddy,’ she whispered.
‘You look wiped out, little one. How are you doing?’
‘Not good.’
‘Poor thing.’
He looked over at Maria, who was sitting on the next seat along. ‘Hi. I managed to get away.’
‘So I see.’ She didn’t go as far as thanking him, but she did look pleasantly surprised.
‘Have they given her something for the pain?’ he asked.
Maria nodded.
It was late by the time they finally got Ruby home, her arm in plaster, and they put her straight to bed. That evening was the longest time all three of them had spent together in ages, Dan noted. And there hadn’t been one argument. It almost felt like they were a family again.
‘Night night,’ Maria said, planting a kiss on Ruby’s forehead before leaving Dan to tuck her in.
He knelt at the side of her bed and stroked her hair. ‘How are you feeling, darling?’
‘Tired,’ she whispered.
‘Does your arm still hurt?’
She nodded, fresh tears trickling down her flushed cheeks.
‘Better than before, though?’ Dan asked, wiping the tears away with a thumb.
‘A bit.’
‘Don’t worry: you’ll be back to normal in no time. One of the best things about being a child is that you heal quickly. Anyway, I’d better let you sleep, hadn’t I?’
She reached out with her good arm, eyes anxious. ‘No. Stay.’
‘Okay, love, I will.’ Taking her hand, he leaned over and kissed her on each cheek. ‘But you close your eyes. It’s late and sleep is really important when your body needs to fix itself.’
Moving into a more comfortable seated position, Dan leaned against the side of Ruby’s bed and promised not to leave until she’d nodded off.
Thank goodness she’s all right, he thought, his heart swelling with the love he felt for his precious daughter.
As he sat there, silent in the dark bedroom, Dan’s eyes grew heavy.
Next thing he knew, he was woken by a gentle tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Maria holding a finger to her lips. ‘Come on,’ she whispered, signalling for him to follow her out of the room.
Once on the landing, he asked: ‘How long was I—’
‘Only a few minutes.’
‘Sorry. She wanted me to stay until she fell asleep.’
‘Don’t worry. Listen, I’m going to get changed. Fancy a drink before you go? If you’re not too tired.’
Pleasantly surprised, Dan stifled a yawn. ‘Um, sure.’
‘I’ve no beer, but there’s a bottle of white in the fridge.’
‘Great.’
‘Help yourself. I’m going to freshen up.’
‘No problem. Would you like a glass too?’
‘Are you kidding? I could down the bottle in one.’
‘I’ll make it a large, then.’
She joined him in the kitchen a few minutes later, make-up free, wearing jogging bottoms and a hoodie. It was quite a comedown from the outfit she’d been wearing before, which had been the most dressy he’d seen her in ages.
‘Comfy?’ he asked with a grin, fully awake again now.
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
He was thinking back to when she used to dress up, not down, for him. But he stopped himself from saying so. Things between them right now were the most amicable they’d been in ages. Showing up at the hospital had earned him precious brownie points. No point ruining it.
‘The outfit you had on earlier was really nice,’ he added. ‘That’s all.’
She squinted at him over the kitchen table. ‘And now I look a mess.’
‘That’s not what I said. I was paying you a compliment.’
He stopped short of accusing her of twisting his words. That would definitely lead to an argument.
She stared at him for a moment. He imagined the cogs of her mind whirring behind her beautiful hazel eyes. They’d once beamed pure love at him. Now they were more often than not a tool of accusation; of anger and frustration. Maybe even hate, although he hoped not. He couldn’t bear to think that things between them had veered so far off course. They’d been so good together. Under normal circumstances, he was sure they’d still be happily married. But what they’d been through was enough to tear apart even the strongest of unions.
She sighed. ‘I’m tired. It’s been a long day.’
‘No problem,’ he replied, pleasantly surprised. He couldn’t recall the last time Maria had backed down like that.
They’d not discussed the accident in front of Ruby for fear of upsetting her. But now she was out of earshot, Dan was keen to know what had happened.
‘I didn’t see it,’ Maria explained. ‘She was playing on the stairs, which she knows she shouldn’t have been doing. I was in the kitchen.’
Dan knew that had their roles been reversed, Maria would have made a big issue of the whole “playing on the stairs” thing. He’d have been blamed for letting Ruby do it and accused of not paying enough attention. But he knew the reality: Ruby was eight and didn’t always do as she was told. You couldn’t watch children constantly at that age. You had to give them space to learn through making mistakes.
‘Which friend was she playing with?’ he asked. ‘Anyone I know?’
‘Um, no. A girl called Anna. She’s new in Ruby’s class. Recently moved to the area.’
‘Really? Great. What’s she like?’
‘Nice.’
‘Did she come by herself or with her mum?’
Maria looked to the floor and scratched her forehead in that way Dan knew she did when she was uncomfortable. ‘Um. With her dad, actually. Rick.’
‘Oh, right. I see.’
Dan did his best not to look surprised, irritated even. But he could see from Maria’s expression that he’d failed. He’d never had much of a poker face.
‘What?’ she asked defensively. ‘It’s not that unusual these days for a father to pick his kids up from school, you know.’
‘I never said it was. If you remember, I did it more than you when we were both working.’
‘You’re having a go at me for staying at home now?’
‘What are you on about?’
‘I heard the tone in your voice: derogatory, like I’m not as good as you, because I choose to be a full-time mum. You can jump off that high horse right now. Your earnings don’t come close to what mine used to be. And if it wasn’t for the money from my parents—’
‘Yes, yes, I know. Heard it all before. We wouldn’t be in this dream house of ours, if it wasn’t for them. Well, I’m not, am I? Not any more. I’m in my lovely damp flat instead. And as much as I hate it there, do you know what? It beats being here with you. You can shove your family money up your arse, Maria.’
He slammed his half-full glass of wine on to the table, somehow not breaking it, and got up to leave. But now he couldn’t stop himself. She’d popped his cork, like a shaken bottle of fizz; the words came out by themselves. ‘It’s not possible for us to have a normal conversation any more, is it? Whatever I say, you always find a way to turn it into a bloody argument. Why the hell do I bother? You’re not the woman I married. You’re not even a shadow of her. There’s no going back for us, I can see that now. We’re done. We might as well get on with the divorce. Get it out of the way. Then I can be free of you. Maybe you can run off with your new friend Rick. It makes sense now why you were so dressed up today. Trying to impress him, were you? Well, good luck with that. Best not let him see how twisted you are, or he’ll run a mile.’
Dan had expected Maria to fire back at him with a verbal assault of her own, but it didn’t come. Instead she burst into tears, which stopped him in his tracks, instantly cooling his anger and turning on the tap of regret. He took a deep breath, resisted the urge to apologise for his outburst, and left without another word.
‘Idiot,’ he said to himself, getting into his car and slamming the door. He couldn’t believe he’d let himself say all that stuff. No one knew the right buttons to press to upset her better than he did. She’d done the same to him on enough occasions, but he tried not to get sucked into that kind of thing. Epic fail this time, he thought. The worst bit was what he’d said about getting a divorce. In truth, that was the last thing he wanted, so why on earth had he said it? The one consolation was that he hadn’t gone further. He hadn’t mentioned her mental health, which would have been a tough one to come back from. And he’d not brought Sam into it, thank goodness.
He considered returning to apologise, but he knew what Maria’s reaction would be if he did. She’d throw it straight back at him. She hated it when people said sorry for things, especially just after they’d said or done them.
‘You can keep your apology. I don’t want it.’
How many times had she said that to him over the years? Countless, especially at the start of their relationship, before he got wise to it. She felt an apology was the easy option, favouring actions rather than words. Mind you, that opinion was forged in different times: days when she rarely got angry herself; when judging others for speaking in haste wouldn’t have been hypocritical. Things were different now. She was different.
All the same, going back to say sorry didn’t feel like the right move, so Dan drove home. Well, he went back to the flat, which was the closest thing he had at the moment. He’d never think of it as home, because it wasn’t. He hated it too much for that. It felt more like a prison. Ironically, the place he thought of as home was the house he’d just left, having done a good job of making sure he wouldn’t be invited back any time soon.
He opened a bottle of vodka and necked three shots in quick succession. He hoped the booze would raise rather than lower his spirits. Experience told him it could go either way. Looking for a distraction, he decided he ought to text Maurice to make sure everything had gone well with the papers.
He’d downed several more shots and two bottles of beer by the time Maurice’s reply eventually arrived.
All good. How’s Ruby? She was glad to see you, right?
Yes. Tucked up in best not, ATM on plate.
What? Bloody predictive text. Realising he was already quite drunk, Dan deleted the message and started again, concentrating to make sure he got it right this time.
Yes. Tucked up in bed now, arm in plaster. Thanks again. See you tomorrow.
Maurice’s question got Dan thinking. Had Ruby been pleased to see him at the hospital? He’d thought so at the time, but maybe he’d seen what he wanted to see. Her reaction had actually been quite muted. He’d put that down to the pain she was in, but now he wasn’t so sure.
He could feel himself sinking into one of his moods, but it was too late to change anything now. He took another gulp of vodka, no longer bothering with the shot glass.
CHAPTER 8
I wake up to find I can’t move. It’s getting light outside and I’m looking up at the high ceiling of my room at Miles’s house. I know who I am: I’m Jack, and I have a head injury. But I can’t move. It’s like some invisible force is pinning me to the bed. I try again and again to raise myself up, but it’s no use.
What the hell’s happening? I try to stay calm and rational, but it’s no good. My breathing gets faster; I can feel myself breaking out in a cold sweat. Panic is here. I can feel his bony fingers pressing down on my chest. I can smell his rotten breath.
‘Miles,’ I call out. ‘Help me! I’m paralysed.’
I shout his name more times than I can remember. Louder and louder until my voice cracks, my throat like sandpaper. He doesn’t come.
What time is it? I wonder. Impossible to know for sure in this house without clocks, but I’d guess at five or six o’clock. Miles must still be asleep. That’s why he’s not coming. He will in an hour or two once he wakes up. I need to calm down. Wait it out.
Easier said than done. I’m paralysed! Of course I’m panicking.
At that moment I hear the creak of the bedroom door opening. I try to look in that direction, but my head’s having none of it and my eyes will only roll back so far.
‘Miles? What took you so long?’
But it’s not his voice that replies.
‘Hello, my love. Did you call me?’
When I answer, my voice is that of a child. I’m still around – still part of the action – but not in the driving seat and no longer paralysed. ‘Yes, Gangy. I had a bad dream. I woke up and—’
‘And what? You can tell me.’
‘I thought there was a bat in here.’
‘A bat? Where?’
I point to the corner of the room and she walks over to it. She has a good look around, even kneeling down and peeking under the chest of drawers. ‘No,’ she says, once her search is complete. ‘There’s definitely no bat here. None whatsoever. I think you still had one foot in the Land of Nod.’
‘What’s that?’
‘The Land of Nod is where we go when we’re asleep. It’s a tricky old place. When you’re there, you think it’s real life. When you’re fully awake, it doesn’t seem real at all. Sometimes, when you first wake up and one world blends into the other, you can get confused. Was there a bat in your dream?’
‘Yes.’
‘There you go. That explains it. I dreamt I was a rabbit the other night.’
I giggle as she twitches her nose at me.
‘I really believed it too,’ she continues. ‘I led a full life. It seemed like I was there forever, hopping in and out of my warren; eating carrots and so on.’
‘Mum says rabbits don’t really eat carrots.’
‘She’s right. Carrots aren’t what they naturally eat in the wild. But I bet they’d like the ones I grow in my garden, because they’re super delicious, aren’t they?’
I nod enthusiastically. She knows I love her home-grown veggies.
‘Anyway, I ate carrots in my dream. Like Bugs Bunny. Then I woke up and laughed at myself for believing I was a rabbit.’
‘What was it like?’
‘Being a rabbit? Good fun, from what I can remember. But that’s the other thing with dreams: the memory of them fades before you know it.’
‘What colour rabbit were you?’
‘Light brown with a bushy white tail.’
I smile. ‘Gangy?’
‘Yes, love.’
‘Do I have to go back to sleep?’
‘Not if you don’t want to. We’re both awake now. How about we go downstairs and make some breakfast?’
I jump up and throw on my dressing gown.
‘I’ll need a hug first,’ Gangy says, and I throw my arms around her.
‘I love staying here,’ I tell her.
‘And I love having you.’
‘Come on. Time to get up.’
My eyes snap open and Miles is leaning over the bed, opening the green curtains and letting the daylight stream in.
‘Morning, lad. How are you feeling today?’
‘I can’t—’ I realise I’ve just turned my head. I sit up without any effort. Everything’s working again. The whole paralysis thing must have been a dream.
‘You can’t what?’
‘Um, nothing. It’s fine.’
‘How’s the head?’
‘Good. It hardly hurts at all now.’
‘What’s your name?’
‘Jack.’
‘And who am I?’
‘Miles. I’m your lodger. This is your house. I’m helping you fix it up.’
‘Excellent. Anything else come back to you?’
‘Maybe. I’m not entirely sure. I think I dreamt a memory. Is that possible?’
Miles shrugs. ‘I don’t see why not. What was it about?’
‘It was something from my childhood. Like last time, with the marmalade. It involved my grandmother again.’
I talk him through the scene that played out in my head. Miles sits on the wooden chair, listening to me with his head cocked to one side.
‘What do you think?’ I ask when I’ve finished.
‘Sounds like a memory to me. What do you think? How did it feel?’
I nod. ‘Like I’d been there before.’
‘What did your grandmother look like?’
‘Um, I don’t know. I should have paid more attention. Small, I think – for an adult. She wasn’t that much bigger than me. Short curly hair. Kind eyes. She was wearing a dressing gown. Light green, maybe.’
‘That’s good.’
‘But why her? Why’s she the one I remember again? Why my childhood? What about everything in between? When’s that going to return?’
Miles sits back in the chair and runs one hand through his short white hair. ‘Take it easy. That’s a lot of questions. Memory’s complicated.’
‘Yes, but you also said this kind of memory loss is rare. What did you call it again?’
‘Retrograde amnesia.’
‘That’s it. So what’s going on? Why hasn’t everything come back? Don’t take this the wrong way; I know you have lots of experience as a GP, but don’t you think I maybe ought to see a specialist or something? Go to a hospital?’
‘Sure, if you’re worried, we can do that. No problem. The nearest hospital is a good drive away, though. Plus the only doctor you’ll get to see on a weekend is at A&E – probably some youngster who qualified five minutes ago. There’s really no point going there until next week when someone senior is around.’
‘What day is it today?’
‘Saturday.’
‘Oh, right. I didn’t realise.’
He reassures me that he’s perfectly well qualified to keep an eye on me for the time being. I mention the paralysis, in case it’s important, although Miles is sure it was only a dream, most likely spawned by the frustration of my memory loss.
‘But you will take me to the hospital next week?’
‘Of course.’
‘It’s not that I don’t have faith in you, Miles. I’m just desperate to get my memories back. It’s so frustrating not knowing who I am. If there’s anything that can be done—’
‘Don’t worry, Jack. I understand.’
‘Are you sure it’s not worth going today? Isn’t there a chance there might be someone who can help?’
‘No. It would be an utter waste of time. You’ll have to trust me on that.’
‘Could we go on Monday, then?’
‘Yes, Monday we can do.’
After a shower and breakfast, I find Miles busy laying floorboards.
‘Can I help?’ I offer.
‘No, I don’t think you’re ready to get back to work yet.’
‘But that’s why I’m here, isn’t it?’
‘It’s too soon.’
‘What shall I do, then? I need to get busy with something or I’ll go crazy.’
Miles shrugs.
‘Maybe I’ll get some fresh air. The weather looks decent: the sun’s out and there’s no sign of any rain.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea in your condition.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I insist. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t go near the edge of the cliff. I could really do with …’
Miles throws me an expectant stare.
‘Yeah, I was going to tell you that I need to clear my head,’ I say. ‘Then the irony of the expression struck me. What I really want to do is fill my head back up. But you know what I mean.’
‘I’d rather you put your feet up.’
‘Just a little walk. I’ll stay close to the house, I promise.’
‘Fine. You’re a grown man and you seem steady enough on your feet now. But please don’t go close to the edge, and don’t push yourself too hard.’
‘I won’t. Thanks, Doc.’
Outside, the fresh sea air feels great on my skin. Despite what I’ve told Miles, I can’t resist walking over to the rickety fence and peering down the jagged cliff face to the swirling sea, which looks chilly and agitated. I’m not sure what time of year it is, which is an odd feeling, yet I’m dressed for winter in a jumper and jacket. That must be right, I think. The sun might be out, but there’s no warmth, especially in the coastal breeze. I take in my surroundings, noting the bare branches of the few trees nearby and the lack of any flowers. Then I look back at the house: a last outpost of civilisation in this remote spot, as worn and neglected as it is imposing. There’s so much still to be done, I think, eyeing all the flaking paintwork, rotten wood and damaged roof tiles. No wonder Miles needs my help.
Wandering over to the rear of the house, I come across a mud-caked green Land Rover parked at the top of a winding dirt track. I assume this leads to a proper road. The car looks old but functional. I stare down the track; just knowing for sure that there’s an actual route to civilisation comes as a relief.
I hear a thumping noise behind me and I turn to see Miles struggling to open a decrepit wooden window on the first floor. He eventually succeeds and waves to me with a smile. ‘Ring a bell?’
‘Sorry?’ I say, cupping one ear and moving closer.
‘There,’ he replies, pointing to a spot of overgrown grass and a mound of earth to my left-hand side.
Despite having a good look around, I’ve no idea what he’s talking about. I shrug, perplexed.
‘That pile of soil,’ he says, pointing again. ‘It’s where I found you unconscious after your accident.
‘Really?’ I look again, but still nothing comes back.
He nods to one side. ‘The ladder’s over there.’
I go to it, run my hands over the cold aluminium, but it’s as unfamiliar as the rest.
‘I think you must have been looking at the state of the roof. We’d been talking about sorting out the tiles for a while. I’m not sure why you decided to do it when I wasn’t around, though; it’s not wise to go up a ladder alone.’
‘Clearly not.’
‘And? Any recollection?’
I look around again, as if that might somehow trigger my memory, but there’s nothing. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen this side of the house. I shake my head. ‘It’s not familiar at all. I was—’
I stop mid-sentence as something catches my eye: a flash of red in my peripheral vision. I turn in that direction, but there’s nothing there.
‘You all right?’ Miles calls down to me.
‘Yes, I’m fine. I’m going for a wander. See you in a bit.’
‘Be careful. Make sure not to lose your way.’
‘Don’t worry, I won’t.’
I’m convinced the red is from the woman I spotted out of the window yesterday: the slender figure looking over the cliff, who Miles claimed not to have seen. There’s no logic to this other than the fact that she was wearing a red coat, but I’m gripped by the notion and I race in that direction to try to catch her.
There’s no sign of her at the front of the house. I’m confused. I look all around, casting my eye up and down the coastline. I retrace my steps to the rear of the house, taking care to stay out of Miles’s view, but still no luck. Eventually, after several minutes of scratching my head, I figure I must have imagined it. It’s the only rational explanation. I have had a recent head trauma. Seeing flashes of colour is probably a side effect. Besides, if I’m to believe Miles, I probably imagined her in the first place. And yet somehow I’m still not convinced of that. The first time I saw her she was so realistic, so alive.
I return to the front of the house and decide to walk to the place along the clifftop where I first saw the mysterious woman in red. Miles wouldn’t approve, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I soon reach the spot, but of course she’s not there and there’s no sign of her either. So I carry on, focusing on a crooked sea stack in the distance that reminds me of a witch’s nose.
I take in the cool, fresh air with deep breaths – as slow as I can manage – in a bid to calm myself down. I feel all worked up; my shoulders ache. I hadn’t realised how tense I was until now. Having no memory is so frustrating; how can I understand myself when my past is a mystery? My mind is like an empty library: useless without the volumes of knowledge that define it.
I’m picturing that image in my mind when it’s ripped apart and set alight by the burning arrow of another memory.
It’s dark and the streets are full of monsters with bags of loot.
A little ghost is gripping my hand and pulling me towards the light of a nearby front door. ‘They have a pumpkin in the window,’ she says. ‘They should definitely answer.’
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