Читать книгу: «Australian Dreams»

Australian Dreams

Fiona McCallum

www.millsandboon.co.uk

About the Author

Fiona McCallum spent her childhood years on the family cereal and wool farm outside a small town on South Australia’s Eyre Peninsula. An avid reader and writer, she decided at the age of nine that she wanted to be the next Enid Blyton! She completed her final years of schooling at a private boarding school in Adelaide.

Having returned to her home town to work in the local council office, Fiona maintained her literary interests by writing poetry and short stories, and studying at TAFE via correspondence. Her ability to put into words her observations of country life saw a number of her feature articles published in the now defunct newspaper SA Statewide.

When her marriage ended, Fiona moved to Adelaide, eventually found romance, and followed it to Melbourne. She returned to full-time study at the age of twenty-six, and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts (Professional Writing) from Deakin University. While studying, she found herself drawn to writing fiction where her keen observation of the human condition and everyday situations could be combined with her love of storytelling.

After brief stints in administration, marketing and recruitment, Fiona started Content Solutions, a consultancy providing professional writing and editing services to the corporate sector. Living with a sales and marketing executive and working on high-level business proposals and tenders has given Fiona great insight into vastly different ways of life.

Fiona continued to develop her creative writing skills by reading widely and voraciously, and attending short courses. In 2001 she realised her true passion lay in writing full-length fiction, and in 2002 completed her first manuscript.

In early 2004 Fiona made the difficult decision to return to Adelaide alone in order to achieve a balanced lifestyle and develop a career as a novelist. She successfully re-established her consultancy, and now enjoys the sharp contrast between her corporate work and creative writing.

Australian Dreams is Fiona’s first novel.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to family, friends and acquaintances that have provided encouragement – you’ve all played a part in inspiring me.

I am blessed to have a handful of very dear and true friends who have supported me through the many ups and downs of my life, and the pursuit of my dream. Thank you to Calvin McHobbes, Carole and Ken Wetherby, Mel Sabeeney, Arlene Somerville, and the Chiuchiolo family – you all mean the world to me.

Thanks to Andrew Holmes of the Victorian Racing Club and Marilyn Smith of TAFE SA for clarifying some of the technical details of horseracing. Special thanks to Dr Douglas Wilson of the Holistic Veterinary Clinic for being so very generous with his time in providing detailed information around the injury and recovery of my fictitious racehorse. Please go to www.holisticvetonline.com to learn more about Dr Wilson’s fantastic work. Any errors or inaccuracies are my own or due to taking creative liberties.

I was privileged to have the assistance of a fantastic editor – the very talented Lachlan Jobbins. Thank you for your dedication, attention to detail, and for being so easy to work with.

Thanks to Haylee Kerans for seeing the potential in my manuscript and for making my dream a reality, and to everyone else at Harlequin that I haven’t met but who had a hand in turning my loose pages into such a lovely book.

In memory of my father, Tony McCallum, to whom I owe my courage and tenacity.

Prologue

Claire woke with a jolt and noticed blue and red lights flickering behind the curtains. She checked the time and realised it was after one o’clock. Keith’s side of the bed was still empty.

The doorbell chimed. Alarm gripped her as she dragged her pink towelling dressing gown over her pyjamas. She pounded down the hall, heart racing as scenarios filled her head. It had to be urgent to warrant flashing lights – a break-in, an accident, perhaps a missing child. The poor people; she’d help any way she could.

Claire’s heart ached for those who had to deliver the bad news. Beginnings of conversations ran through her mind as she unlocked the main door.

The female half of the uniformed couple spoke.

‘Claire Louise McIntyre?’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m Senior Constable Penny Irving. This is Constable Jason Braxton. Can we come in please?’

Claire swallowed and felt the blood drain from her face as she nodded, unlocked the screen door and stepped aside. She was dazed, rooted to the floor.

The trio stood awkwardly in the passage, its checked black and white tiles suddenly harsh and busy. The young constable gently closed the heavy wooden door, sending a loud echo reverberating through the hall. Claire pulled the collar of her robe tighter. She knew she should ask what they wanted, why they were there, but also knew she didn’t want to know.

The fog of Claire’s mind lifted a little as the policewoman suggested they sit. Her arm moved as if unconnected to her and she motioned toward the lounge. The trio walked single file with Claire in between. If they were trying to offer comfort, it wasn’t working. Instead she felt like a criminal being prevented from escaping.

Seated, the spacious loungeroom felt a third the size. The policewoman sat next to her, gently wringing her hands in her lap. The male officer remained standing, slightly off to the side, shifting his weight.

‘Jason, perhaps you could make us some tea, with plenty of sugar,’ the policewoman whispered. Silently, the uniformed man moved away. Claire might have laughed if they weren’t here doing this in her house. Didn’t that only happen on The Bill?

After a few moments the policewoman took a slightly deeper breath, looked up at Claire and said, ‘I’m afraid I have some terrible news. There’s been an accident – a car accident. I’m afraid there was nothing the paramedics could do. Keith...’

Claire frowned, not comprehending when she heard his name. Unable to focus, she suddenly wished she was a child who could go to her room and let the adults deal with this. Whatever this was, it was bad.

Her head was fuzzy again. She couldn’t grasp exactly what was happening. There had been an accident. Someone had run a red light. Well it wouldn’t have been Keith, that’s for sure. He’s such a careful driver.

‘I’m really sorry. They did everything they could.’

Claire nodded, and looked up as a mug of steaming tea appeared in front of her. She accepted it with two shaking hands and drew it close to her chest. Her bottom lip quivered and tears began to spill down her cheeks.

Looking down into the milky liquid she realised that nothing would be the same again – her life had changed forever.

Chapter One

Claire rolled onto her stomach and peered at the clock radio on what had been Keith’s bedside table. She’d woken early, before dawn, and had managed to doze off again. Now she was surprised to find it was after ten. Anyway, it was Sunday: she’d laze about till lunchtime if she wanted.

Even after four months she still found herself aching for Keith’s embrace, his sweet musky scent and…

Snippets of dreams came back to her. In one they’d showered together and then made love in the lounge, on the plush rug in front of the gas log fire. It had been beautiful: him tender, giving; she responding, clinging to him.

She’d woken hot and sweating, despite it being chilly outside, instantly feeling embarrassed at her arousal. But it hadn’t been Keith’s face at all, had it? No, the face had been blank. Who had it been? She shook her head, trying hard to remember. After a few moments she gave up.

In another dream he’d been lying beside her saying he loved her, that it was okay to move on, that it wouldn’t mean she loved him any less. ‘I know you have needs,’ he’d said with a wink, before drifting from her slumbering memory.

That had definitely been Keith. His face now came to her clearly: the slightly crooked, cheeky grin; the fringe he insisted on keeping too long to cover the scar above his left eye – apparently the result of a silly, drunken escapade at university. She’d never heard the full story – he’d always managed to sidestep her question with a well-timed hug. Now she’d never know. And she’d never have another of his comforting, bear-like hugs.

A tear escaped and her throat caught on the forming lump. She’d give her life for just one more hug with Keith. Would she ever find anything so comfortable again? Did she even want to look?

‘Oh Keith,’ she whispered. If only she’d shown him more affection and not taken their contentment so much for granted.

Claire roughly wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand, pushed aside her mop of unruly hair, and sat up.

Claire had a quick shower and stood – towel wrapped around her – studying her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Did her hairstyle make her features appear hard? For years she’d been talking about getting her hair cut like Jennifer Aniston’s – chipped into so that it wasn’t so full down the back and sides – but had never been brave enough to go through with it. She’d always kept it plain, practical – straight across the bottom and in a ponytail to keep it away from her face. It was the way Keith had liked it. She’d never dyed it either – always stuck with her natural medium-brown shade. Bernadette and her hairdresser had both given up trying to talk her around years ago.

Claire held her hair away from her face and turned left and right, examining the effect in the mirror. Did she dare? Keith was no longer there to complain. She let it down again. Bernie was right: short didn’t suit her. Anyway, she’d feel too self-conscious. But she could definitely do with less bulk around her face. She dragged her brush through her hair a couple of times and put it into a ponytail.

She ran her electric toothbrush around her mouth while roaming the bedroom – pulling up the quilt and straightening the pillows. She had her underwear drawer open, about to pull out socks, knickers and bra when her toothbrush buzzed, signalling her two minutes was up. She turned it off, stood it on the edge of the vanity beside Keith’s, and rinsed her mouth. Then she added a thin layer of foundation to her face and neck with her fingers, swept the mascara brush once across each set of lashes, added two layers of deep rose pink ‘Goddess’ lipstick, blotted with toilet paper and returned to the bedroom to get dressed.

Claire McIntyre was conservative through and through. Her uniform rarely varied: navy or grey skirt suit cut just below the knee for work; jeans or tailored pants and shirt or knit for weekends. Evening wear was a lolly pink wrap over a little black dress – if size twelve was still considered little. It ended four inches above the knee and showed just the right amount of décolletage to straddle the fine line between tarty and prudish. Despite the current trend for bare, bottle-tanned legs and towering stilettos, Claire insisted on sheer, smoky-coloured pantyhose and sensible plain black shoes with ample room for her toes.

Even her career was conservative. Yes, she’d had different roles, but she’d been with the same company for twelve years when the done thing was to move on every few. But she was happy enough; why go through the stress of looking for something else, just so your CV would show you were progressive? Anyway, there were leave entitlements to think of. Claire wasn’t exactly thrilled with her job but enjoyed the security of a regular paycheque.

She’d joined the national advertising firm Rockford and Associates as a marketing graduate. Hard work and long hours had seen her move into a senior role in account management. Three years ago she’d been promoted to Client Relationship Manager for one of the firm’s largest clients, AHG Recruitment.

Since losing Keith, she had been all the more grateful for the familiarity of her open-plan cubicle and routine tasks: a welcome – if mundane – source of stability in her life.

But now Claire felt something within her stirring: a strange kind of yearning, but for what? It wasn’t Keith, it wasn’t a dull sad ache, this was different – more a restlessness.

She focussed on her hair again. Knowing her luck, the Aniston look was now as fashionable as the mullet. Maybe her hairdresser had better ideas – could she offer free rein? Claire felt excited at the prospect, even a little empowered. Yes, she’d definitely phone for an appointment.

Bernadette was right: if grief was like a brick wall, each step towards recovery was the removal of a brick, then a layer. Eventually she’d be able to step over the top and be free. Then she’d look back at the good times without tears, and remember the not-so-good times with detachment. But it took time. The trick was to allow the bricks to come away when the mortar loosened – and not to stop their progress with a slap of concrete.

Of course, she wouldn’t cut her hair without a second opinion from her best friend. She’d mention it when they next spoke.

Claire and Bernie had known each other since Pony Club and primary school. They’d even studied the same course at university and then started their first jobs at the same company – but in different departments. Twelve months in, Bernadette had been fired for rejecting her boss’s advances with a swift slap across his face. Claire had considered protesting by leaving with her, but only for a second; she didn’t have the courage to quit without the security of another job to go to. Thankfully Bernie had understood.

The episode had sent Claire into a spin of worrying about what her friend would do, but Bernadette had seen it as a sign she was ready to pursue her dream: opening a nursery specialising in old-fashioned plants, design and accessories. Apparently the Adelaide Hills area was full of people wanting old English-style gardens – God only knew why with the water restrictions.

Regardless, and despite only being in her early twenties, Bernadette had built a successful business on box hedges, white gravel and distressed wrought-iron outdoor furniture.

Claire regularly shook her head in wonder and sometimes felt a twinge – but of what she wasn’t sure. Not jealousy; she would never wish her friend anything but all the very best. Seeing Bernadette chasing her dream made her wonder about her own choices. Still, Claire was no different to about ninety-five percent of the population.

Besides, there was no way she’d want to deal with the public every day. She’d spent a lot of time at the nursery, occasionally even manning the till. One virtue Claire McIntyre did not possess was patience, and tolerance with other people’s indecision was in pretty short supply as well. She would have strangled someone by now if she was Bernadette, and couldn’t believe Bernie hadn’t.

Bernadette had always been the quintessential redhead. Her uncontrollable curls stood out like a warning, something Claire realised – too late – on the day they met.

It was their first Pony Club rally and they were both eleven. Bernie was on a small cranky grey pony, Claire on a larger bay. Claire had accidently got too close to Bernie’s pony and it had darted sideways in fright, almost causing Bernie to fall off. Bernie shouted so loudly that Claire’s mother heard the commotion. Grace McIntyre stormed across the arena to tell her daughter off. Mortified, Claire turned her tomato-red face – first to the instructor and then to Bernie – and said she was sorry.

Bernie had smirked, tossing her head in the air before moving her pony away. Claire decided she didn’t like this Bernadette girl very much. But later, Bernie had come up to her at the tap while she was filling her water bucket and said it wasn’t fair how much Claire’s mother had overreacted. They’d been firm friends ever since.

Bernie used to fly off the handle with the slightest provocation. Once she got started, she wouldn’t unclamp her teeth from an argument, even if she knew she was wrong. It was probably the reason she was still single and most definitely why corporate life hadn’t been for her. You just couldn’t scream at your boss that he was a dickhead one day and ask for a raise the next. And slapping him was a definite no no.

But she had mellowed since finding her ‘place in the cosmos’, as she called it. Now her fire was being fuelled with passion, and she was a lot calmer.

Claire bit her bottom lip. No, when it came to Bernadette, if she was envious, it was of her state of mind. Bernie glowed with contentment and enthusiasm whenever she spoke – and not just about the business. Even late deliveries weren’t enough to unsettle her. She’d just shrug and say that they’d turn up when they were ready. According to Bernie, everything would work out in the end. And for her it usually did.

For the thousandth time, Claire wondered at the reasoning behind Keith being taken from her, and then dismissed the thoughts as ridiculous. There was no reason. He’d had a tragic accident and she just had to get over it. And what about her father’s accident, why had that happened?

Whatever the reasons, nothing could alter the fact that she was having the worst year possible. Things always happened in threes: she and Bernadette had pointed out so many instances before. Since Keith’s death and Jack’s accident, it had become a taboo subject. Claire wondered what else she was to be faced with. The doctors had assured her Jack’s injuries weren’t life-threatening – he’d come out of his coma when he was ready. It was just a matter of time. But how much time? It had already been a month.

Claire was relieved she hadn’t been the one to find Jack crumpled in a silent heap on the ground. Thank goodness neighbours Bill and Daphne Markson had thought to invite him over for an early dinner – luckier still they had thought to drop in on their way back from town instead of phoning. She knew she should spend more time with her father. She had visited a lot in the months after her mother’s death five years ago, but gradually the pace of work and social life in the city had engulfed her again. In the last year, she was lucky to see him every three weeks.

Until the accident, of course. She was now spending a couple of hours each day after work sitting with him – time she didn’t really have to spare. She felt guilty every time she turned up because invariably Bill and Daphne were already there – Bill reading the paper and Daphne knitting. It was a jumper for Jack, made from chunky homespun natural grey lamb’s wool.

Claire tried to tell herself it was different for them because they were retired, but felt guilty all over again when she remembered that they’d driven nearly forty minutes to be there, not ten like she had. But they didn’t have an inbox full of six hundred emails waiting to be read and responded to. Claire had tried to sit and do nothing, but on the third day had given up and started bringing her laptop to make better use of the time. She didn’t think you were allowed to use electronic equipment in hospitals, but no one had told her off yet.

Claire checked her watch – visiting hours at the hospital were starting soon. She ran down the stairs, grabbed her laptop bag from the kitchen bench and her keys from the bowl on the hall table. Having punched the code into the security system, she deadlocked the door and pulled it shut behind her.

Claire sat in the vinyl chair beside her father’s hospital bed, looking up from her laptop to study his features. Thank God he hadn’t needed to be hooked up to a ventilator. She couldn’t imagine the agony of deciding when and if to turn it off.

Lying there under the pale blue cotton blanket, he looked peaceful, as though he was just sleeping. Maybe the nurses were right: his body needed the rest and time to heal. When it was ready he’d just wake up.

A week or so ago, one of the nurses had said she thought he needed to be given a reason to wake up. But Claire had nothing to offer. She couldn’t chatter with excitement about her life with Keith. There was now no chance of her bringing news she was pregnant with his first grandchild. And the only other important thing in her life – her job – had never interested him much anyway. And it wasn’t like she could tell him what she’d done with the horses.

She hadn’t really had a choice. Bill and Daphne had offered to look after them rather than see them got rid of. But they weren’t horse people, and there was a lot more to it than just chucking a bale of hay over the fence every few days. Bernie had offered, but Jack McIntyre hated the idea of being a burden as much as Claire did. And she sure as hell couldn’t be driving up there every day.

It really had been the only thing to do. She was certain her father would have agreed. So why did she feel so guilty? And why couldn’t she get it off her chest, even if she wasn’t totally convinced he could hear her?

She felt like a complete idiot – and totally self-conscious doing it – but the nurses were adamant that he could hear everything she said, so while she tapped away on her keyboard she would chatter about the mundane details of her weekend, and about Bernie if she’d caught up with her. Jack McIntyre had had a soft spot for her friend since she’d first visited the farm when they were teenagers. Back then Jack had loved a good debate, no matter what the topic, and didn’t care if he lost, which he usually did when it came to the stubborn Bernadette. They’d both mellowed since then, but Bernie and Jack still enjoyed the occasional good-natured verbal tussle.

Sometimes Claire felt her friend was more the kind of daughter he wanted – laid back and earthy. Bernadette at least had a job he understood, even if he didn’t see why people would pay so much for old junk to stick in their gardens. In fact, Bernadette had done very well from the bits of ‘old junk’ he’d given her.

Claire put her hand over her father’s limp, weathered one and squeezed. She was disappointed, but not surprised, to receive no reaction. She took a deep breath. It was so hard to hold a one-way conversation about nothing in particular.

Feeling rejuvenated at home after a Radox bath and quick bowl of pasta, Claire got out her laptop again. She’d been putting it off for a few weeks, but now put ‘coma’ into the search engine.

She’d heard lots of amazing stories relating to coma patients. Apparently there was a guy in the United States who had woken up after twenty years with no idea there was such a thing as email or the internet. Having never been in the shoes of a desperate loved one, she’d always been a little sceptical. Now she was beginning to understand the lengths people went to.

She read about Dr Fred Burrows’ controversial Stimulation Therapy, where family members undertook a routine of controlled auditory, visual and physical stimulation to encourage the patient to wake up. Apparently some read the newspaper aloud every day, some sang, some had a positive mantra they said over and over. It was fascinating, and it made sense, but there was no way she had the time that was needed – up to six hours a day.

Claire felt as though she’d done nothing constructive so far except talk to Jack. She’d paid the odd bill and made sure the house was secure. Of course, she’d got rid of the horses, but that didn’t really count, did it? She was beginning to think she’d been too hasty – maybe she should have at least waited a few weeks to prove to everyone it was the only workable solution. She vowed to make more of an effort trying to get Jack better.

The doctor couldn’t tell her whether the kick from the horse had caused the stroke or if the stroke had made him fall under the horse’s hooves. Though it didn’t actually matter. From what she read, what mattered was getting him awake and out of bed. Apparently four weeks was okay, but much longer and the patient risked contracting pneumonia – the biggest killer of non-vegetative coma patients. It had already been a month. Lucky he was a tough old nut and there was so far no sign of any other problems.

Claire shut down the computer. She needed something Jack would see as worth summoning every ounce of strength to wake up for. But what? There were no home fires burning, no warm bed and wife to return to. His beloved horses had been sold off and he’d recently lost his son-in-law – and with him the chance of grandchildren.

He’d adored Keith – had often referred to him as the son he’d never had. But the loss of the prospect of grandchildren had hurt almost as much as the loss of his ‘son’ and best mate. Claire tried not to let herself think about the fact that she’d as good as forgotten to have children.

Chapter Two

The next day Claire was pleased to be back at her desk where she could focus on her projects and paperwork and the upcoming Melbourne Cup. It was a struggle to get out of bed and into the shower in the mornings, but she always felt better when she’d escaped the house and its silent, haunting memories of Keith.

Obsessively organised and habitual, Claire started every day with a list. Her job at Rockford was to deliver advertising projects. Some of her larger clients had campaigns covering all media – television, radio and print – so she had a lot to keep track of: ensuring tight deadlines were met, pre-empting any delays, and managing everyone’s expectations. It was a juggling act that saw much of her time on the phone with creative and graphics staff, and clients’ personal assistants. It was a sign of a very, very bad day when the CEO of a client actually called her. The only way she could keep track of everything was with several lists.

Luckily, a lot of projects had been completed in the last few weeks. There was always a short lull while the campaigns were running, then afterwards when their success was being analysed. And then the chaos would start all over. Before that she would make the most of the peace and quiet.

This morning, while she waited for her computer to boot up, she wrote ‘Client Phone Calls’ and twice underlined the heading at the top of her company-issued A4 pad. Below she added the names of her top five clients. It was no coincidence that they all occupied corporate boxes at the Melbourne Cup. She’d already received a couple of invites, but she wanted to make sure she’d exhausted all options before making her decision.

Years ago, Keith had teased her for only staying in her job for the Cup. She’d taken offence at the suggestion she would be so shallow and calculating, and had taken a long time to realise he’d meant it not as a criticism but mere observation.

Anyway, there had to be perks – other than lots of pay that attracted lots of tax.

It wasn’t that Claire didn’t enjoy her job – aspects of it, anyway – but she certainly liked the personal recognition such invites implied.

The first time Keith had accompanied her he’d been blown away by the opulence, finally admitting through a mouthful of lobster that he could see why she spent a whole year waiting for this day.

Rather than being insecure, he’d enjoyed being her handbag for the day – especially being free to ogle all the beautiful tanned, touched-up and terrific women strutting about like the fillies out on the track. Later that night, when they were tucked up in their hotel’s five-star sheets, Claire had teased him that it was lucky he wasn’t expected to make intelligent conversation and represent a business.

Claire smiled sadly at the memory – this would be her first Cup without him in eight years. This time, when the horses thundered past the mirrored finish line and the nation finally let its breath go, the tears that escaped her eyes would be different. Nothing was the same any more. That was what she was having so much trouble with – the little things. She even missed his habit of leaving his shoes in the lounge room, having kicked them off while settling into the couch.

But Keith would want her to go, wouldn’t he?

She felt guilty even thinking about leaving Jack – even if he was recovering at home by then. But what if he was still in hospital? How could she get all dressed up, sip free champagne, be merry? What would he want her to do? That was an easy one. Jack McIntyre was one of the most humble, gracious men on the planet. Not only would he urge her to go, he’d drive her to the airport himself if he could, and offer tips the whole way.

Claire was still lost in her thoughts when Derek Anderson – her boss – appeared beside her.

‘Morning Claire. I like the new haircut – it suits you.’

‘Hi Derek. Thanks,’ she said, blushing slightly and putting a hand to her head. She’d completely forgotten that no one had seen her new look. Now she felt self-conscious. He looked like he’d had a recent haircut as well, but she wasn’t about to say anything. His full head of thick, mid-brown hair, dusted with grey, was shorter on the sides and standing up a little more on top than usual.

‘Good weekend?’

‘Yes, thank you, and you?’

‘Good, thanks. My young colt had his first run at Morphettville. Thought we might have to cull him there for a while, difficult sod. My trainer thinks he’s not worth the trouble, but something tells me he might do all right once we iron out the kinks. He’d better – he’s cost me an arm and a leg.’

‘Hmm.’ Claire was a little unsettled by the warmth in his blue-grey eyes.

‘Owning racehorses outright is an expensive hobby, but a man’s gotta have one, right? Maybe I should sell some shares, set up a syndicate to spread the load. What do you think?’

‘Sounds good, Derek.’ The last thing Claire wanted to hear about was racing, especially Derek’s success – he was, after all, a rival to Jack. ‘Was there something you wanted?’

‘How’s your dad doing?’

‘Same, but thanks for asking.’

Derek seemed uneasy perched on the corner of her desk. He hadn’t casually picked up any of her items and wasn’t swinging his leg like he usually did.

‘Was there something else, Derek? I have a heap of calls to make and a report due at twelve.’

‘Well, um, I…’ Derek fumbled with the thick knot of his red and gold striped tie.

‘Yes?’

‘I was thinking it might be a good time to take some of that leave you’re sitting on, since all those campaigns have been wrapped up. You know, spend a bit more time with Jack. Get your head around everything.’

‘Thanks, but I’m fine, Derek.’

‘Just thought a month or so would be good for you.’

Claire’s hackles rose. She eyed Derek coldly, wondering if it was her imagination, or if he really was having trouble looking her in the eye.

‘Are you implying my work is not up to scratch? If so, don’t be so gutless as to come in here suggesting time off…’

Derek held up his hands in surrender. ‘Your work’s fine, Claire, as always. I just don’t want you regretting your choices later. Family is important; don’t use work as an excuse not to face certain things.’

Claire was almost touched by his words, but couldn’t shake the feeling there was something else going on. He was definitely avoiding looking at her.

‘I appreciate your concern, Derek, but I’ve got everything under control.’

‘All right, I can’t force you to do anything. Just remember, Claire, no one is indispensable. If any one of us got hit by a bus, this place would maybe skip a beat, but the powers that be wouldn’t waste any time filling the role and getting things back on track.’

‘Jeez, thanks, Derek. Nice to know how valued we are. Now if there is nothing else…’

‘Well, there was just one other thing – sort of more of a personal nature.’

Claire’s breath caught.

‘That colt, the one Jack registered as Paycheque…’

‘Yes?’ Her ears pricked up. She straightened in her chair.

‘Well, I’m not sure how to tell you this…’

‘Don’t tell me you’ve got him,’ Claire groaned.

‘No. Personally I don’t think much of him – too small. But that doesn’t excuse what I saw.’

‘What? What did you see?’

‘I probably shouldn’t say anything.’

‘So why are you?’

‘I honestly don’t know – it’s really none of my business.’

‘Derek, just tell me. I don’t have time for games.’

‘Al Jacobs had him at the…’

‘What? Bill Parsons took him. Dad hates how Al treats his horses. Was he all right? Not that there’s anything I can do.’

‘Skinny, scared shitless.’

‘He wasn’t racing, was he?’

‘Afraid so. Well, they tried.’

‘But he’s not ready – Dad said he needed another six months at least.’ Claire didn’t want to ask the obvious, but had gone too far not to. ‘So I guess he didn’t do so well?’

‘No, wouldn’t have a bar of the barriers, poor little thing.’

‘Oh God. After all the work Dad put in.’

‘I know, sorry to have to tell you.’ Derek shrugged. ‘Just thought you should know. I must be going soft.’

‘Anything else I should know?’

‘Al did mention getting rid of him, but I’m sure it was just his temper talking. You know how hot under the collar he gets.’

‘Well, it’s a pity, but there’s nothing I can do about it.’

‘You could take that time off – get him back. I’ve heard you could have been a half-decent trainer if you’d stuck to it.’

‘Jeez Derek, you are going soft. But seriously, I don’t think Dad would want me interfering.’ Claire’s desk phone started ringing.

‘Well if you change your mind,’ Derek said, and left with a wave of his hand.

Claire stared after him for a second before picking up the phone.

Thoughts of Paycheque niggled at Claire all day. She saw his face in her mind every time she picked up the phone, every time she put it down, while she checked her emails, dealt with her in-tray, and added or scrubbed something from her to do list.

She’d sold all four of Jack’s horses. So why was only Paycheque plaguing her? Storm had much more going for him than Paycheque did – he was the right size for a start. God, she really shouldn’t have sold them. How would Jack react? He’d be angry, sad and disappointed. Of course he would. She’d known that and gone ahead anyway. Why? Because I didn’t have a choice, she told herself forcefully and got up to make a cup of tea. It was three o’clock and she was sick of the distraction.

But Paycheque was there again while she filled the kettle, turned it on, and put a tea bag in her mug. The small bay colt with the unusual enquiring tilt to his head, large expressive eyes, and level-headed willingness beyond his age. She thought about what Derek had said. Horses refusing to go into barriers was just part of racing. If they cracked under the pressure, their career was over. Just like any other elite athlete. Only the best horses were worth investing in. And the others… She hated to think about it. But it really was a part of life.

Paycheque was still on her mind when she got back to her desk. Jack had said over and over that he wasn’t ready to race. He shouldn’t even have been there, shouldn’t have been given the chance to fail. But Jack had also said he’d showed the most promise of any of his horses over the years. They were just words, weren’t they? Jack had always thought big – bigger than he should, if Claire was being honest. But now that she thought about it, Claire didn’t remember him being so vehement about a horse’s potential, or so attached to one. Paycheque hadn’t been just one of many, he’d held a really special place in Jack’s heart. Shit, what had she done? She rubbed a hand across her face.

Maybe it was part of some sick plan of Derek’s, some sort of reverse psychology. It could be anything with Derek, you just never knew. Or maybe it was even worse than he’d let on – he hadn’t wanted to completely lose his tough guy, racehorses-are-just-a-means-for-making-money attitude and was really concerned. If that was true, after what he’d seen in his time at the track and behind the scenes, it meant things were looking really bad for the little horse. But there was nothing she could do now, was there?

No, she’d kept things together through losing Keith and Jack’s illness; now was definitely not the time to go all soft. She had to keep focussed. It was certainly not the time to go gallivanting off on some ridiculous crusade to rescue a racehorse who, for all she knew, had spat the dummy, turned dangerous and was no longer any good. Hell, he’d probably be a dud anyway – Jack had had enough of them over the years. She really had to put Paycheque out of her mind.

Chapter Three

Four days later, Bernadette and Claire were curled up on Bernadette’s three-seater lounge with glasses of wine and an uncorked bottle on the coffee table in front of them.

‘So,’ Bernie said. ‘Anything in particular you want to do this weekend?’

‘Well I do have a bit of work I need to get done.’

‘All work and no play – you know what they say.’

‘You’ll be at the shop all morning tomorrow.’

‘Ah yes, but that’s hardly work – I love it.’

‘Well I could say the same, I…’

‘Really?’ Bernadette demanded, staring hard at her.

‘Actually, no.’ Claire sighed wearily. ‘But it’s something I need to get done.’

‘I rest my case.’ Bernadette downed the rest of her wine and reached for the bottle.

‘So that’s tomorrow morning covered. What about afterwards?’

‘Well…’ Claire fidgeted with the stem of her glass.

‘Yes?’

‘I think it’s time I faced going out to the farm.’

‘If you’re sure you’re ready.’

‘I don’t even understand what I’m so afraid of.’

‘That’s the thing about fear – it isn’t always rational. So what’s the latest with Jack?’

‘No change. Stubborn old bugger.’ Claire smiled weakly.

‘Well I think he’ll be happy you’re going out to the farm.’

‘Bernadette?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Do you think people in a coma can hear what’s going on around them?’

‘Yes, I do. Why?’

‘I’d hate him feeling he’s a burden.’

‘Well I don’t think he’d want you beating yourself up on his account.’

‘I just feel so helpless. There’s nothing I can do to help him.’

‘Except get on with life – make the best of things.’

‘I am getting on with life.’

‘You think so, huh?’

‘What? I’ve got a good job, roof over my head – I’m not exactly a burden on society.’

‘But Claire, are you happy all alone in that big house?’

‘Uh-oh, I can feel a lecture coming on. Or worse – a blind date.’

‘Damn, why didn’t I think of that? Seriously though, Claire, you do need to get out more. What about that guy Derek – from the office?’

‘Derek? Bernie, he’s my boss!’

‘I thought he was nice at that party you invited me to.’

‘Well you’re welcome to him. Anyway, what would you know, you were pissed, you had your beer goggles on girly.’

‘I wasn’t that bad.’

‘Ah, how quickly we forget. Do the words “straw” and “champagne” ring any bells?’

‘Um, actually, yes, you can stop right there.’ Bernadette grinned sheepishly.

The next morning, Claire was restless and couldn’t focus on the work she had to do. Bernie’s cottage felt cold and too quiet without its effervescent owner banging about. She took a walk around the garden that was a perfect compromise between rambling and tailored, stopping to pat one of Bernie’s cats – the big sleek black male – who was curled up under the lemon tree, snoozing in the sun.

Something didn’t feel right inside. But what? She’d spent heaps of weekends like this – alone at the house while Bernadette was at the shop.

More than being just bored or restless, Claire realised she felt compelled to go to the farm. And she had to do it alone, without Bernadette’s deliberate good-natured chatter keeping her from thoughts too morose.

Claire’s heart pounded heavily as she turned into the driveway and the car vibrated over the cattle grid. As she made her way up the corrugated rubble track, she felt an odd sensation that everything had changed yet nothing had changed.

The wild oats wavered in the stiff breeze just like they always did this time of year. Cream–coloured dust rose in a cloud behind her car. The gum trees stood in the same solemn rows, neither bluer nor browner nor even any taller. The only changes were the empty roadside paddocks: the absence of colts and fillies frolicking about, their owner’s hopes resting on their withers. A crow scrounged about on the ground, picking through old piles of dung for something edible.

Claire’s throat tightened. It was too hard. She should have waited for Bernie after all. She stopped the car, turned in her seat to see how far she’d come, then turned back to look up the track. She was over halfway.

Claire closed her eyes and conjured how it used to be: Jack out there in his trademark Akubra, Yakka work pants, long sleeves, and oilskin coat when it was cold; long-reining a youngster along the fence, teaching it all about the bit, changing direction, and balance. It was what he’d been doing when he’d had his accident. Bill and Daphne had found him on the ground and the horse grazing nearby, the long reins trailing behind him. God knew how they’d managed to catch the damn animal and get all the gear off safely – that one had been a snarly beast at the best of times. They’d followed the ambulance to the city and called Claire from the hospital.

Claire opened her eyes and studied the area around her. Thankfully there was no sign of what had happened. She closed her eyes and forced herself to think again about the good times.

When she was younger, Claire had always arrived in jodhpurs and boots, with helmet and gloves in the car. Often when she’d rolled down the window to wave he’d stop and call out, ‘Love, would you mind just hopping on him for me?’

Ninety percent of the horses he’d trained had had her on their backs first. She’d loved being included, even after choosing a career outside racing. She still liked the idea of it, just liked the regular income more. She’d seen how much her mother had gone without. But she’d also seen how much she’d loved her husband. Grace McIntyre would have lived in a caravan without complaint if she’d had to. There was no way Claire could have done it.

Claire was glad her father hadn’t just given up on life after her mother had died suddenly of a heart attack five years ago. Though she had noticed much of the enthusiasm had left him. It was like he was just going through the motions. No longer could he run in the kitchen door, clutching his stopwatch to show his latest protégé’s time, face beaming like a little boy’s. They’d been the perfect team: Jack the passionate one, prone to getting carried away; Grace the steadying rational force, keeping things real, and keeping the bank manager at bay.

Claire swallowed hard. She looked behind her then back up the driveway to the mass of trees that hid the shabby, basic weatherboard home she’d grown up in. Bernadette was the only friend she’d not been too embarrassed to invite out to the rundown, untidy farm.

It was time Jack got real, ended this nonsense. He’d been slowly winding down anyway, hadn’t he? Thirty years was long enough for chasing rainbows and the elusive pot of gold. At least he’d be able to say it hadn’t been his decision, and could bow out with his dignity intact. He’d thank her for that, wouldn’t he?

So what was she so afraid of? Was it the guilt of being the one to end his dreams after all these years? Even her mother hadn’t done that.

When he came out of the coma he was likely to be incapacitated. Surely he wouldn’t want the constant reminder of what he could no longer do. The place really wasn’t the same without the horses. But she hadn’t had a choice, had she?

Her grip was as tight on the steering wheel as sweaty palms allowed. Her knuckles were beginning to ache. Claire took a deep breath, put the car in gear and slowly edged forward. Outside the car, the fence posts and dry paddocks began to blur as she picked up speed. She kept her eyes fixed on her destination, forcing herself not to think about what was missing, or exactly what had become of the horses that had once provided so much atmosphere.

Claire pulled into the carport behind the old white rust-stained ute, just like she had so many times before. When she turned the key and got out it felt like nothing had changed; she could have been going in to share a lunch of steak, chips and eggs with her father before he put her to work cleaning stables or mixing feeds. But when she reached the back door, reality hit. She’d had a new lock fitted a couple of days after her father had been rushed to hospital. The key was in her glove box.

Claire left it where it was, deciding instead to look around outside and enjoy the soothing sun on her back. She walked around the side, past her mother’s shade-house that was now empty except for a few skeletons of plants scratching at each other in the gusty breeze. The unusual orange and chocolate leopard-spotted rock, once a childhood treasure and proud feature of the corner fernery, was now covered in spiders’ webs and dead leaves. Claire moved on, swallowing thoughts of how devastated her mother would be if she could see it.

The gates of the day yards in front of each of the four stables stood open, and the piles of manure dotted around bore evidence of the hasty evacuation. Each water trough had an unhealthy layer of green slime covering its surface. Claire leapt back in fright as a sudden gust caused a loose sheet of roof iron to flap and then settle with a piercing squeal. She was halfway through a mental note to have someone out to fix it when she realised how ridiculous she was being. She could fix the damn thing herself – she’d helped her dad build them in the first place. Anyway, he’d be disappointed if she paid someone for something so simple. ‘More money than sense,’ he’d say. ‘That’s the city life for you.’ And of course he’d be right. An only child, she’d been raised a tomboy, and had been more capable with cars and DIY than most boys her age. But since she’d left the farm she’d adopted the ‘pay someone else to do it, my time is too important’ attitude.

First, she’d stopped doing the minor services on her car. And then the new one was computerised and so complicated it made sense not to touch it. It was funny how quickly you lost touch and confidence if you didn’t keep your hand in. There was no way she could ever tell her father she’d called the RAA out to change a tyre. But she was in her work suit and it was beginning to rain – and get dark – as she made the call. For the whole forty minutes they took to arrive she scolded herself for becoming a helpless woman. She was almost at the point of doing it herself when the yellow van turned up. In a matter of minutes the cheery man was done and beaming while she signed the form.

Claire smiled when she slid the shed door back to find the ladder leaning nearby, with an old paint tin half full of roofing nails and a claw hammer sticking out underneath it. She grabbed the wire handle and tucked the long but relatively light ladder under her arm, relieved that she hadn’t had to rummage through the untidy, echoing space.

After banging in the last of the nails, Claire sat back with a sense of pride that she’d been able to do something practical for her father. She’d tell him tomorrow evening. She put her chin on her bent knees and scanned the property stretching out before her.

It seemed a million miles from the responsibilities of a mortgage, a stressful job, and her grief. She’d done this often as a child: hidden herself away from it all in her own style of meditation. Now she felt so at peace she was annoyed she’d let herself grow up and get caught up in the web of city life. But everything was a compromise; a quiet farm meant being at the mercy of the seasons and other uncontrollable forces. No, there was no way she could ever live this way again.

Sitting back at Bernadette’s kitchen table, Claire looked up from her laptop as her friend made a loud bustling entrance, laden with over-flowing calico shopping bags.

‘So sorry I’m late. Old Mrs Jericho couldn’t make up her mind between the Edwardian or Victorian settings.’

‘No worries.’

‘I’m starving. Let’s eat, then get you over to the farm before you chicken out.’ Bernadette tipped a pile of butcher’s paper-wrapped parcels and large loaf of crusty bread onto the table.

‘I’ve already been,’ Claire said quietly.

Bernadette stopped with the calico bag still aloft. ‘Oh,’ she said.

Claire shrugged. ‘Yeah, it just felt right.’

Bernadette got out plates and cutlery and brought them to the table.

‘Was it okay?’ Bernadette asked. They’d spent so many hours this year with arms wrapped around each other, Claire sobbing, Bernadette fighting back tears of sympathy. She’d really hoped those clouds were behind them.

‘No. Depressing.’ Claire laughed, trying to play her mood down.

‘I knew it would be – that’s why I didn’t want you going alone.’ Bernadette thought Claire had been a little hasty in getting rid of the horses, like she’d been waiting for the opportunity. She’d tried to talk her out of it, had even offered to feed them and keep an eye on them herself. But Claire had been adamant.

‘It was like those ghost towns you read about – void of life. There was even iron flapping in the wind.’

‘Oh Claire.’ Bernadette moved to put her arms around her best friend, but Claire waved her away.

‘Don’t. I’ll become a basket case.’ Claire laughed tightly.

‘Focus on the positives – he’s going to pull through. Remember, where there’s life there’s hope.’

Unlike with Keith, who was gone forever. The unspoken words hung between them. Bernadette really felt for Claire – the poor thing had had one hell of a year.

Even though Bernadette had no evidence, she wondered if the universe was conspiring to get Claire back up into the Adelaide Hills. Maybe it was just selfishness, wishful thinking on her part. Claire’s husband had been cruelly taken – that certainly wouldn’t do anything to bring her back. Instead, it had made her focus more on her career in order to outrun the memories. And Jack’s accident and confinement to hospital just served to drive her further into the safety of the city’s hustle and bustle.

She looked up suddenly at hearing Claire’s voice, and wondered how long she’d been lost in her musing.

‘Sorry?’

‘You were miles away. I was just saying I put a couple of nails in some loose iron on the stables.’

‘Bit dangerous to do on your own, don’t you think?’

‘Probably, but it felt good. You know, actually doing something for Dad. For the briefest moment everything was back to normal – before…’

‘Did you check inside the house?’

‘No. I know I should have, but I just couldn’t.’

‘There’s nothing you should or shouldn’t do, Claire. You do it when it feels right and don’t when it doesn’t. There are no rules.’

‘God I wish I could be like you – not a worry in the world.’

‘Hey, I’ve got plenty I could worry about. I just choose to change what I can and ignore what I can’t. And it’s taken a lot of practice. Remember, I wasn’t always like this.’

Claire remembered all right. Remembered Bernadette worrying constantly about exam results and subject choices for the best career, while she’d just gone along following the subjects and teachers she liked without giving the future much thought. She’d almost forgotten what a stress-head her best friend had been: the time the ambulance had been called when she’d had a panic attack during the year eleven maths exam; the masses of hives that erupted before opening her HSC results.

Now she thought about it, Claire realised it was bizarre how things had changed – not that she could be called a worrywart, she decided firmly.