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HarperImpulse an imprint of

HarperCollinsPublishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2015

Copyright © Carmel Harrington 2015

Cover photograph © Daniel Grill/Getty Images

Carmel Harrington asserts the moral right

to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is

available from the British Library

This novel is entirely a work of fiction.

The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are

the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to

actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is

entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International

and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.

By payment of the required fees, you have been granted

the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access

and read the text of this e-book on screen.

No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted,

downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or

stored in or introduced into any information storage and

retrieval system, in any form or by any means,

whether electronic or mechanical, now known or

hereinafter invented, without the express

written permission of HarperCollins.

Digital eFirst: Automatically produced by Atomik ePublisher from Easypress.

Ebook Edition © September 2015 ISBN: 9780008156541

Version 2018-06-25

Acclaim for Carmel Harrington

‘Will make you see life in a different way’

Woman’s Way

‘Heartwrenching and heartwarming’

Evening Herald

‘Guaranteed to brighten your day’

Novelicious

‘Carmel Harrington has done it again! Brilliantly written … it surpasses all expectations’

Chicklit Club

‘A bittersweet, quietly brilliant novel that will make you cry, laugh and cry all over again’

Female First

‘Funny, poignant and bursting with heartfelt humour’

I Heart … Chick Lit

‘Completely stunning’

Reviewed the Book

‘It will stay with you well after, you have turned the last page’

Bleach House Library

For my family – the H’s,Roger, Amelia, Nate & Eva.

Epigraph

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Khalil Gibran

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Acclaim for Carmel Harrington

Dedication

Epigraph

Prologue

PART ONE

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

PART TWO

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

PART THREE

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

Tess’s Christmas Pudding

A Q & A With Carmel Harrington

Keep Reading...

About the Author

About the Publisher

Prologue

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

Hamilton Wright Mabie

Christmas Eve, 2005

‘Happiness is …’ I exhale a long, deep, satisfied sigh, and the cold breath of winter floats out of my mouth up into the air.

‘This is the best Christmas street lighting yet.’

I know I say the same thing every year, in this very same spot, at this very same time. I’ll probably say it again next year too.

In this moment, I’ve never seen anything more perfect. The Victorian-inspired decorations are from a bygone era that shine with goodwill to all men. I know, I know, that sounds all cheese on toast, but when it comes to Christmas, that’s allowed. With extra parmesan on top, as far as I’m concerned.

My city, my beloved Dublin, is sparkling in a festive glow. And its inhabitants are collectively holding their breaths, because Christmas is almost here.

And this year, I’ve been delivered an early Christmas present. The fact that it’s the same one I received when I was eight years old isn’t lost on me. Coincidence, fate, magic, I don’t know what forces are at play to make this happen, but I’m grateful.

Just two weeks ago, I was single, happily so too, living my best life, teaching kids in St Colmcille’s. I honest to goodness didn’t wake up each day lamenting the lack of love in my life. Because I had a good life, boyfriends coming and going. I figured that one day I would meet Mr Right. But now that he is here, I cannot believe that I ever got through each day without him by my side.

Here I am, at the foot of Grafton Street with Jim Looney of all people. If you would have suggested such a thing to me a mere few weeks ago, the words ‘look up’ and ‘flying pigs’ would have been uttered.

Jim Looney.

I sigh again as I take him in, standing beside the statue of Molly Malone, laughing at the tinsel that someone has draped over her cleavage.

An image of Jim strutting down a runway pops into my head and I giggle at the thought. He could give any male model a run for their money, but I think he’d rather pull his nails out one by one than do that.

I grab my phone and take a photo of him. I’ve already taken at least a dozen this evening. He could be modelling a new line in men’s winter clothing, he looks so good. I mean, not many could get away with that multi-coloured Dr Who-inspired scarf wrapped around his neck over and over. But on him it looks quirky and cool.

And, this is the bit that I still can’t quite believe.

He’s my boyfriend. All mine.

Don’t go getting too used to this, Belle. It never lasts.

I quickly banish the little voice inside my head. Go away nasty mean voice.

I know full well that I’m punching above my weight. I mean, for goodness sake, he’s even got a chiselled jawline. Seriously, I’m telling you, he’s fecking gorgeous. I can’t find ways to describe him to you without sounding like a big sap. But trust me when I say this. He’s, as we are want to say in Dublin about a good-looking man, a ‘ride’.

When I look into his big blue eyes, I’m done for. I keep forgetting what I’m about to say when he directs those baby blues at me.

And don’t get me started on his hair. That’s always been my Achilles heel. It makes me feel all protective and full of love. You see, it has this habit of just flopping over his right eye. I’m sure most would say it’s red or ginger, maybe even auburn. But I like to call it foxy.

Jim McFoxy Looney.

When it does that flopping thing, it’s as if my hands have a mind of their own and they involuntarily reach up to brush it back off his forehead. But there again, I’m not complaining about that, because I don’t need any excuse to touch Jim. And I’ve realised that when I do touch him, it seems to have a delicious knock-on effect. One minute I’m lightly touching his forearm, then the next we’re kissing.

A shiver ripples through me as I remember what happened only this morning when I brushed past him on my way into the bathroom.

Twice.

Who would have thought that Jim Looney had that in him? I’m telling you, it’s ridiculous how sexy he is.

He is, no other word for it, but a fecking ride.

You’ll notice that I’ll find any excuse to say that.

Jim Looney, the big ride, my boyfriend.

I feel a bit giddy with it all, to be honest. It’s like it’s five o’clock all the time and I’m half drunk. The mad thing is, I’ve not had much to drink in weeks. Jim’s not a big drinker and that in itself is charming, because all the guys I’ve dated recently seem to be more in love with a pint of lager than me. Kind of refreshing to be with a guy who gets that there are more things to do in life than prop up a bar.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Jim asks, with a raised eyebrow.

‘Ah, that would be telling,’ I say with a grin.

Thank goodness he can’t read thoughts. If I tell him what I’ve just been thinking, we’ll be in a taxi and on our way back to my apartment before the words are out of my mouth. And as tempting as that thought is, it will have to wait.

Because it’s Christmas Eve and we’re on Grafton Street, where its festive delights await us.

‘So, tell me about this tradition of yours, the one you do every Christmas Eve?’ Jim asks.

‘This is my tenth year. Started because of Joyce O’Connor,’ I say.

‘Why do I get the feeling there’s a story there?’ Jim remarks.

‘Oh yes, there’s a story alright. She asked me to go into the city with her one Christmas Eve, when I was fifteen,’ I say.

I wonder what Joyce is up to now. We lost touch a long time ago. But she’s wrapped up in this particular tradition and standing here usually sparks a memory of her.

She wasn’t even a close friend. In fact, if I’m calling a spade a spade, she was a bit of a bitch. I don’t know why I said yes in the first place when she asked me to go with her. I mean, she’d been one of those passive aggressive wagons for years. The queen of making snide comments behind my back, giving inverted compliments that everyone knows is really an insult.

I spent half my childhood trying to dodge Joyce and her cronies in the hallways at school. Anything to avoid one of her ‘chats’.

‘I remember her. At least I think I’m remembering the right one. Blonde, small girl? Touch of the mean girls about her? She was one of the gang who used to give you a hard time,’ Jim says.

I laugh, yep, he’s got her number. ‘Good memory. She had her moments, for sure. And the only reason she asked me to go with her on that day was because she had no other options. Her usual cronies were busy and she needed a decoy. Her parents would never have let her go off to meet a boy on her own. But a nice innocent trip into town with a friend, well, that was different.’

‘Oh, I get it. You got to be a big, fat, green, hairy gooseberry,’ Jim says.

I nod. ‘I’d nothing better to do, so thought, why not? And it made Tess happy when I told her I was off gallivanting. She was always worrying about me being such a loner.’

‘Did you have fun in the end?’ Jim says. ‘Maybe she wasn’t as bad as you thought?’

‘No, we didn’t bond over hot chocolate or anything. She was true to form and remained a wagon. But despite that, I did have fun,’ I say.

The 16B bus had been jammers with lots of people with the same idea, to head into the city to soak up the festive atmosphere.

‘Joyce didn’t even bother keeping up a pretence that we were together for more than a few minutes. Once we jumped on board the bus she ran upstairs to the upper deck and within seconds was doing a round of tonsil hockey with a pimply, horny boy called Billy Doyle. I swear her arse hadn’t even hit the seat he’d saved for her before his tongue was down her throat,’ I say.

‘You can’t buy class.’ Jim says shaking his head.

‘A right dirt bird.’ I say and he laughs with me. ‘You know, they hadn’t even bothered to save a seat for me. As the upper deck was so full, I had no choice but to retreat back downstairs, tail between my legs and stand. Joyce didn’t give me a backwards glance, the cheeky mare,’ I say.

I marvel that I ever allowed myself to be treated like that.

‘Once we arrived at O’Connell Street, the two love birds headed to McDonalds to share a strawberry shake. It was clear I wasn’t included in their romantic date, so I left them to it. I suppose I should have been annoyed with her, but I didn’t mind in the slightest.’

Jim throws a sympathetic glance my way, but I’m quick to reassure him, ‘I was used to my own company back then, preferred it a lot of the time.’

It baffled me as to why they wanted to sit on plastic seats in a noisy fast-food restaurant, when they could be out, soaking up the Christmassy atmosphere in the city.

‘It was their loss. I got to explore Dublin, on my own. It was almost dusk and the city changes in that light. Everything seemed so magical.’

I pause, feeling embarrassed, ‘This probably sounds silly but, to me, it felt like I was looking at my city with new eyes.’

‘Not silly at all.’ Jim replies. ‘You know what I thought when we got to O’Connell Street? There’s a touch of Bedford Falls about it all now. You know, the town in It’s a Wonderful Life.’

I smile and nod in agreement. I’ve always thought the same. ‘I love that movie.’

I jump as a badly dressed Santa roars in our direction. ‘Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho.’ He rings his bell and rattles a box loudly, collecting change for charity. He seems intent on frightening passers-by and is clearly delighted with himself when everyone jumps in shock.

I throw a few euro into his box and then Jim says, ‘So fill me in on how this tradition of yours works.’

‘Well, ever since that year, I’ve come back each Christmas Eve. I start off in O’Connell Street, then walk over the Liffey, past Trinity College, say hello to the Molly Malone statue in all her glory, stroll up Grafton Street, then head over to the Ha’penny Bridge, before going home,’ I say.

‘You ever mix it up and change the route?’ Jim asks.

‘Oh, God no. Has to be in that order,’ I say. ‘Oh, I nearly forgot to say, I do have a quick pit stop in Captain America’s for hot chocolate and a slice of their, quite frankly, decadent Mississippi Mud Pie. Just to keep the energy levels up.’ I grin like a four-year-old.

‘Sounds like quite a nice tradition to keep.’ Jim says. ‘I’m glad I’m here to share it with you this year.’

‘I’m glad you’re here too. You know, I’ve had years of strolling up and down this cobbled street with boyfriends, girlfriends, school friends and, yes, I’ll even admit it – the shame – on my own a few times.’ I look at him, feeling a little shy. ‘But this feels special, more than any other year. That’s because of you, Jim.’

He grabs my hand and laughs, ‘I’m honoured. Come on then, Ms Bailey, show me what this great city of ours has to offer.’

My eyes greedily take in the view ahead of us, down Grafton Street. Red, flickering lights coil around luscious green garlands, which drape from one side of the street to the other. In the centre of each garland is a large red Victorian lantern and the light casts a warm glow over the busy cobbled street. Each shop window is alight with Christmas lights and resplendent baubles in rich jewel colours.

There’s something about the energy here … well, it is breathtaking.

I’m not the only one who feels that. I can see it on the faces of people as they rush by too, with their pre-Christmas festive highs.

Okay, maybe not so much on that guy’s face, I giggle, as a harassed man in his forties rushes by. Last-minute shopper, I decide. Poor sap. I’ve mine all done and dusted since October. I wouldn’t dream of leaving it to now. But aside from the odd scowling face, the street is awash with a sea of shiny, happy people.

‘Look over there,’ I shout in excitement as I spy a window display with a group of reindeers nibbling on fake grass in the snow. Then another scene catches my eyes and I’m darting over to the other side of the street, pulling Jim behind me.

‘Earlier, when you said happiness is …’ Jim waves his hand around the Christmas-card view in front of us, ‘is all of this what you meant by happiness?’

‘Well, obviously lots of things make me happy. But this, well, it’s up there with the best of them. I love everything about Christmas. You must feel it too? Doesn’t it feel like we’re in a Christmas movie right now?’ I exclaim.

‘Oh, a blockbuster for sure.’ He drawls. ‘Aside from twinkling lights, which I know you’re a sucker for, what else makes you happy?’

I reckon the feel of my hand in his, as we walk through the frenzied crowds, is top of my happy list right now. But a girl has to hold some cards to herself, so I remain silent.

‘I want to know. Come on, Belle. What else makes you happy?’ Jim persists.

‘Oh, a lot of different things. Not having to set the alarm on Saturdays and Sundays. Peanut butter on hot toast. But don’t be giving me cold toast. I can’t be doing with rubbery cold toast,’ I say.

‘A shootable offence that?’ He asks and when I nod, he says, ‘I’m taking notes here. This is good intel.’

‘Well, while you’re at it, add to the list that not spreading said peanut butter to all corners of the toast is equally damnable. I can’t be doing with someone who just smears it on willy nilly, not giving due consideration to all parts of the bread,’ I tell him.

‘Got it. Take care when smearing peanut butter – evenly – on piping-hot toast. What else makes your ladyship happy?’ He says, tipping his hat in mock salute.

‘I love starting a new book and then realising that it’s one of the good ones. The kind that I am not going to want to finish,’ I say.

I think some more and add, ‘Oh and dancing. Any kind, but preferably one that involves a lot of bum-shaking is guaranteed to make me smile.’

Jim raises his eyebrow so I reward him with a little shake of my bum.

‘See. Look how happy my dancing makes you too.’ I tease, and he bursts into laughter.

‘Oh, you can be assured that your bum makes me happy,’ he declares, giving it a pat, and I thank the stars that I stuck at the squats this summer in the gym.

‘You’ve not mentioned swinging,’ Jim states.

‘How very dare you! I’m a respectable lady, I’ll have you know. I’ve never left my key ring in anyone’s fruit bowl.’ I feign outrage. I know what he’s referring to, but it’s still fun teasing him.

He starts to splutter an explanation, then he realises my game.

‘Yes, Jim Looney, I still love swings. I can’t pass by a park without seeing how high I can go.’ I admit. ‘And I do some of my best thinking when I’m up there chasing the clouds.’

‘You were always the same,’ he remembers. ‘I was more of a slide man myself.’

I remember him always trying to climb up the slide, rather than use the ladder and me begging him to push me higher and higher on the swings. That was a long time ago, though.

He pulls me to the side of the street, out of the lane of traffic and looks searchingly into my eyes.’ What about me? Do I make you happy?’

I’m surprised to see that my confident, laid-back boyfriend looks like a ten-year-old boy, suddenly unsure of himself.

Without hesitation, I take his hands between my own and tell him, with the utmost sincerity, ‘You, Jim Looney, make me happiest most of all.’

My friends would be horrified that I’ve laid my heart bare so early on in our relationship. I know that I probably should play a little harder to get. But I’ve never been any good at hiding how I feel.

‘You get what you see with my Belle.’ Tess always says. Heart-on-sleeve territory.

Well, he’s getting a complete, hopelessly devoted to you, kind of lovestruck feeling from me right now.

He gives me the strangest look. Damn it, I’ve frightened him off.

‘You’re full of surprises,’ he says after a moment of tortured silence and you’d swear he was just seeing me for the first time.

‘You okay?’ I ask and my stomach flips. That strange look is back on his face. It worries me.

‘So much has changed since I left, but then, some things are just as they were when I said goodbye.’ He murmurs. ‘It’s disconcerting.’

‘You’re getting all reflective in your old age.’ I poke him in his side. ‘Now enough of that, come on admit it, Brown Thomas gives Macy’s a run for its money, doesn’t it?’

‘Absolutely, it’s not half-bad.’ He acknowledges in his slow half-Midwestern, half-Irish drawl, and we pause to take in the decadent window displays.

‘I really think it’s the most beautiful street in the world.’ I murmur. ‘When I stand here, I feel like a child again.’

As we move from window to window of the department store I have the most wonderful sensation that I’ve been engulfed in a big Christmas hug. Mannequins draped in Victorian clothing, bejewelled with pearls and glittering gems, stand and sit in displays, dressed with snow, fairy lights and dazzling Christmas trees. I lean back into Jim’s embrace and nuzzle my head into the crook of his neck.

Oh, I love how he smells. I’ve spent some time on this subject and have decided that it’s a mix of spice and cinnamon and oaky leathers. He actually smells a bit Christmassy.

And then his arms wrap around my body and I think he’s just so … I struggle to find the right word and then giggle when it comes to me. He’s just so manly, yes that’s the word.

I catch a glimpse of us in the reflection of the window display, me giggling and him smiling in response, even though he has no idea why I’m doing so and I don’t think I’ve ever felt luckier.

I notice a few people looking at us. I’m used to that, the gawping, that is. The foxy-haired Irishman with a Midwestern US drawl and the caramel-skinned Amazonian woman, with black afro hair and Dublin accent. An unlikely pair maybe, but we somehow fit perfectly.

When I stand by his side, he makes me feel prettier than I’ve ever felt with any other man. It doesn’t hurt that at six foot four he can make my five foot ten-inch tall frame look almost petite. Well, maybe not petite, that’s probably a stretch.

And never mind how he looks, it’s how he makes me feel that has me undone. Ever since our amazing first kiss, I crave him, there’s no other way to describe how it feels than that.

I mean, I was doing very nicely without him for the past ten years, thank you very much. Now I cannot be without him.

Is this what true love feels like? Did Cinderella feel like this when she met her Prince Charming? I hope so.

What happens when he goes home to Indiana after Christmas, though?

There’s that nasty inner voice again. Shut up. I refuse to even think about anything more than this moment right now. And to prove that point I turn to face him and kiss him passionately, with every fibre of my being. I don’t care who is watching and it appears, as his tongue makes its way towards mine, that he doesn’t either.

‘Ahem.’ A voice coughs and we pull apart to see who is trying to get our attention. It’s the dapper concierge of Brown Thomas. He’s wagging his finger at us, but he’s smiling, there’s no sting to his rebuke. He just wants us to move away from the front of his store.

‘Sorry about that.’ Jim tips his head towards him and we start to move away. ‘Let’s go get some of that mud pie you keep going on about. I think I’m going to need to keep my strength up with you.’

I wave happily to the concierge and he waves his top hat to me, shouting, ‘Merry Christmas, lovebirds.’

The chocolate pie tastes as good as I remember. Jim suggests sharing a slice, but I put that notion to bed straight away.

‘I’ll add the “no sharing of chocolate treats” to my list,’ he jokes.

When we leave Captain America’s, sated and giddy with sugar, we stop, listening to the sounds that tinkle in the air.

We walk slowly up to Stephen’s Green and take a stroll around the park. It’s quiet there and we walk in comfortable silence.

‘Where to next?’ Jim asks when we have done a full loop of the park.

‘I told you, we head to the Ha’penny Bridge then to O’Connell Street, finally back to Tess’s,’ I say.

‘And I really have to sleep in her spare room tonight?’ Jim moans.

‘Yes. Don’t you dare try to do any bedroom flits. You’ll give her a coronary,’ I say.

Before we have a chance to debate sleeping arrangements any further, the sound of a girl singing floats towards us. ‘That’s so pretty.’ I point towards the Ha’penny Bridge. ‘It’s coming from over there.’

‘She’s singing your favourite Christmas song,’ he says.

His knowing this, remembering that fact, overwhelms me. He sees this and lightly touches my cheek. ‘I keep telling you, Belle. I remember everything.’

We move towards the sound of her voice. It is so pure and beautiful, it makes harried shoppers stop in their tracks, one by one. We push our way through the crowds and I half expect to see a CD deck. But to my surprise, I see that the owner of the voice is in fact a young girl, standing in the middle of the bridge.

‘She’s no more than ten or eleven,’ I say, unable to take my eyes off her.

‘She’s so cute,’ a woman remarks and we both nod in agreement. The girl is wearing a double-breasted red woollen coat. She has bobbed, black shiny hair that bounces off her black-velvet collar. The lights on the bridge bounce off the still water below and back up around her, creating a soft glow.

It’s the most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced. There is something so pure about the voice, the girl, the bridge.

‘Can you believe that voice?’ Jim says in amazement as she belts out O Holy Night like a pro.

‘She has the voice of an angel,’ I whisper and feel emotion swell inside of me. Tears threaten to fall and that won’t do at all, not on Christmas Eve.

‘A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices. …’ I sing along with her, reaching for Jim’s hand. He clasps it tight. The words touch my heart in a way they’ve never done before. I realise that I felt exactly like that, weary, only three weeks ago. Then Jim walked into my life and, in an instant, everything changed.

I feel my whole body shudder as another wave of emotion overtakes me and I have to pinch myself hard to stop myself falling to the ground weeping. Is it just me, or is Jim as affected? I pull my eyes away from the girl and take a peek at him. Thank goodness, I can see he’s not immune to her voice either. His eyes glisten in the crisp night air and I lean in towards him once more.

And then something hits me with a jolt. I’ve finally come home. Right here, in this man’s arms. I’m home.

It’s only been three weeks, though.

But it feels like a lifetime. How can that be?

I know why. He’s my destiny. I wished for him. And he arrived all but wrapped up in a bow.

I look around at the gathered audience standing around this young girl. Families, couples and groups of friends, all captivated by a beatific voice.

I decide there and then that I must never forget this moment. There aren’t many times in life that are so perfect and pure that they can make your heart explode in joy. This is one of them.

As the young girl builds up to the last line, her voice hits the high note with ease. And all at once the busy thoroughfare is silent, spellbound, by her pure voice.

How long do we stand in wondrous silence? It seems to stay that way for ages, but it can only be for a few seconds.

Then the hush is interrupted by a joyful jingle as the crowd moves forward, one by one, to drop coins into a red-velvet hat that is by her feet. As the coins hit each other, they chime and tinkle, casting magical notes high up into the night air.

‘It’s like the bells are ringing.’ I say in wonder.

‘Bells ringing for you, Belle,’ Jim says.

I take my turn to throw a handful of euros into the red cap and the girl looks right into my eyes, a big smile across her face. And you know what? The weirdest sensation overcomes me. I swear I know this girl. I have this ridiculous urge to hug her.

As her parents are most likely watching right now and would think I’m a crazy lady, I resist.

‘If Simon Cowell were to rock by right now, he’d have euro signs shining in his eyes. That’s a Christmas number one right there, that song,’ I turn to tell Jim, expecting to see him behind me. Where’s he got to? I scan the bridge right and left, kicking myself for moving forward, away from him. The crowds are thick as everyone moves to continue their evening, and I can’t see him anywhere.

But then, I feel his hand grab mine and I smile in relief, feeling silly for my dramatic panic.

‘There you are!’ I exclaim. Now what the hell is he doing? I watch in complete shock as he drops to one knee, right here, in the middle of the Ha’penny Bridge.

‘Have you lost something?’ I ask, thinking he must have dropped his wallet or something. I start scouring the cobblestones around me.

‘Look. That man is going to propose,’ someone shouts from behind me, and my stomach starts to flip, even though I know that it’s impossible. Jim’s not going to propose.

I turn to them to say, ‘Don’t be so ridiculous, there’s no way that’s happening.’

Sure I’ve only known Jim three weeks. People don’t propose that quickly. That only happens in books or movies. Not in Dublin. And certainly not to me, Belle Bailey.

But when I look down, he’s not laughing, he’s looking at me intently. He doesn’t look like he’s lost anything. Nor does he look terrified. In fact, if I had to call it, I’d say he looks downright happy. A little bit goofier than normal, with a strange look on his usually cocky face.

‘I’ve not lost anything, Belle. On the contrary, I would say that I’ve found something pretty wonderful.’ I can hear an audible gasp from someone behind me. I look around at the sea of faces who a moment ago were united in emotion at the young girl’s song. And now they are united in expectation, as delicious real-life drama unfolds in front of them. They’ll have plenty to chat about over their mince pies later on.

‘I want my happy-ever-after to be with you, Belle. I want to grow old with you. I never want to let you go. I want to love you so much that you never look sad again,’ Jim states.

Did I just dream that?

I mean, it does sound like a proposal, but there again he hasn’t actually asked me. I purse my lips tight. There’s no way I am going to jump in and say ‘yes’ to a declaration as opposed to a question.

But, even so, something that feels a lot like excitement starts to course its way through my body.

‘I want to marry you. I want to marry my best friend.’ His voice is strong, unfaltering.

Oh boy. No room for misunderstanding now.

The crowd who were about to disperse moments before have now made a circle around us. In an unspoken movement, they are now protecting us from jostling shoppers. I hear them gasp and shush each other as Jim’s words echo through the crisp night air.

‘I didn’t plan this, which is silly, because it’s all I’ve thought about for days. I don’t even have a ring.’ He says, and looks forlorn.

I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of happy-ever-afters, where the prince drops to one knee, diamond ring in one hand as he pleads his devotion. But now, in this moment, I realise that I don’t care one jolt about a ring. I smile in an attempt to reassure him of my non-materialistic self.

‘But I do have this,’ he continues, his face breaking out into a big smile again, and he reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket.

What on earth is he going to pull out? He’s got a square box in his hand, wrapped in red paper, with a brilliant white bow on top.

‘That’s one fancy-pants wrapping job there,’ I say to him.

‘I bought this earlier for you. It’s only one small part of your Christmas present. Don’t worry, there’s more. I was going to put it under the tree at Tess’s. But I think it might just work quite well now.’ He hands the box to me.

My hands are shaking so much I can hardly peel off the wrapping paper. I hold my breath as I unclasp the hook at the front of the box. I know it’s not a ring, he’s made that clear, but I have no idea what delights might be hidden inside.

A tiny silver bell. Nestled on red-velvet fabric within the box, with a red-velvet ribbon attached to it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more perfect.

‘Oh, Jim.’ I sigh and, I swear, the crowd sighs with me.

‘A silver bell for my Belle,’ he says.

I take it out and shake it once, twice and it rings out into the night air. The group around me all sigh again, louder this time, in unison.

I don’t blame them. For goodness sake, I’m about to faint with the beauty of the moment. I’ve read about moments like these, watched them in Christmas specials and now I’m actually part of one. Me.

He takes the bell from my shaking hands and unties the red ribbon.

‘It’s not a ring, but it can be a promise of one if you say yes,’ he says.

‘Appleby Jewellers is still open, love,’ a voice shouts out from behind me and the crowd laughs in appreciation of typical quick Dublin wit.

My head races around and around, like a spinning top, and I feel faint as blood rushes to my brain. I reach back to clasp the wrought-iron railing on the bridge.

For someone who has spent twenty-five years never ever feeling faint, I’ve been doing a good job of it lately, I realise. I close my eyes and take three consecutive deep breaths, until I feel steady once more.

Maybe I just imagined all of that. I look down, expecting to see nothing there, but a red cobbled street.

Instead, there’s Jim, my ride of a boyfriend, still on one knee looking up at me. And I can see only love in his eyes.

‘We’ve only known each other three weeks,’ I splutter to him. It has to be said. One of us needs to be responsible here. This elicits delicious and shocked gasps from our ever-growing audience.

He stands up and grabs my hands in his. ‘My darling, beautiful, courageous Belle. You know that’s not true. We’ve known each other all of our lives.’

PART ONE

1

Isn’t it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for — I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times.

Kate L. Bosher

December 1988

‘She’s not said a word. It’s not normal. Maybe it’s time you had her tested. You know, to see if there’s anything wrong with her.’ Mrs Gately, my about-to-be ex-foster carer, sniffs as she taps the side of her head.

‘She’s done this before. Stopped talking, I mean,’ Mrs O’Reilly replies, and sniffs in solidarity.

Mrs O’Reilly is my social worker, for as long as I can remember. She doesn’t look happy with me right now, either. I don’t want to make her cross. I never mean to upset anyone, but it keeps happening all the same. I made my mother angry a lot.

I hold my doll Dee-Dee close to me and stroke her black hair, trying to block out memories of my mother.

‘Have a good Christmas, Belle,’ Mrs Gately says loudly as she moves towards me. She almost hugs me, then seems to change her mind at the last minute. She ends up just patting my head instead.

I think I got off lightly because she smells weird. She wears this perfume that makes my nose itch and sneeze. I can see she’s delighted to see the back of me. I heard her telling her husband earlier that no money was worth it. Even though I’m only eight, I’ve worked out that it must be me.

‘Put your seat belt on, Belle,’ Mrs O’Reilly snaps over her shoulder. She’s definitely cross with me too. But then her face softens a little as she looks at me in the rear-view mirror. Her voice goes all high and strained as she tells me, ‘You’ll like this house, you wait and see. Tess is a good woman and this time it’s a permanent placement. That will be good, won’t it? Settling into a new home and unpacking your things.’

I look down at the small backpack that lies at my feet, which holds everything I own.

‘Belle,’ she snaps again and I realise she’s waiting for me to say something in return.

I nod and attempt a smile, even though I don’t feel much like it.

It seems to satisfy her, because she stops staring at me in the rear-view mirror and returns her eyes to the road in front of us.

What do you think Dee-Dee? Will this home be a forever one? Dee-Dee always tells me the truth. I think she’s the only person in the whole world who does.

She looks at me with her big brown eyes and says, ‘Well, Joan and Daniel’s house was supposed to be a forever home too.’

True, in fact Mrs O’Reilly has said that very same line to me loads of times now.

As always, whenever I think of Joan and Daniel, I feel scared all over again. All I want to do is go back to Dun Laoghaire, back to that house I’ve lived in for the past few years. Problem is, Joan and Daniel are not there any more. The house is for sale and locked up. My old foster parents are now somewhere called the Silicone Valley. I don’t know where that is, but I know it must be far away, because they had to go on an aeroplane to get there.

Why did they have to leave me behind, Dee-Dee? My stomach starts to flip.

Dee-Dee looks at me with her big sad eyes and I know what she’s thinking.

Everyone leaves. In the end, they all leave me behind.

‘It’s just you and me, kiddo, stick with me and we’ll be fine,’ Dee-Dee says.

I kiss her forehead and nod. Yes, we’ll be just fine.

Mrs Reilly starts to chatter on about how much fun I’m going to have in this new house in Drumcondra. It will be a new adventure, she keeps saying. And even though I don’t need to go on an aeroplane to get to this new place, I know it’s a long way away from everything I know.

‘Tess, your new foster mum, has been fostering for over thirty years. She has a room ready for you. All to yourself, too. Won’t that be nice? And you can walk to your new school every day, just like you did at Joan and Daniel’s.’ She smiles in the rear-view mirror.

I look at her eyes. The smile doesn’t reach them. Whenever people smile at me, I check out to see if the eyes crinkle up at the corners. I know it’s a real smile if that happens. I’ve noticed that there are a lot of people who fake-smile all the time. Mrs Reilly is a prime example.

The car stops and starts in splutters as she hits the usual rush-hour traffic. I feel a little bit sick, so I decide I’d better close my eyes in an attempt to stop the nausea.

‘It’s almost the Christmas holidays, so we all agree that it’s best you start your new school in January. That gives you a few weeks to settle in. New Year, new beginning. I think that’s best all round. Isn’t that exciting? You’ll love it there, trust me, you wait and see,’ she states in that high, strangled voice of hers.

Thing is, I don’t trust her. I’m only eight years old, but I already know that it’s safer if you don’t trust anyone. People lie all the time.

Dee-Dee nods in total agreement.

‘The traffic is heavy this evening,’ Mrs Reilly complains, looking at her watch.

I wipe the condensation from the car window and peek outside. We’re not moving, we’ve stopped at another red light. I know that it has to change to green to move. I learnt that in school. I can’t remember what amber means, that one always confuses me. Is it prepare to go or prepare to stop?

Oh, here we go again. We move forward a little bit, but just as quickly we’re at a standstill again.

As my stomach heaves, Dee-Dee says, ‘You better not get sick in Mrs Reilly’s car.’ I feel a little bit of vomit jump into my throat and my stomach flips again. Mrs Reilly will get so cross if I get sick. She might change her mind and not take us to this new house. And then where will we go?

I try to think of something else, anything, to take my mind off the possibility of being sick.

A red car inches up beside us and to distract myself, I count the people in it. One, two, three, four. Easy. I’m good at counting. I can count to one thousand and twenty-nine. I’m sure I could have passed two thousand, but I got distracted and lost my spot. Maybe I’ll try beat my record now.

A little girl stares at me through her car window and waves. I wave back and look at her family properly. At least, I think they must be a family. The daddy is driving the car and the mammy is beside him, but she’s looking back at her two children, a boy and a girl. And whatever the mammy is saying to them, they are all laughing.

I look at the mammy’s face. It’s soft and joyful and happy.

Why are you so stupid? Get out of my fucking way, you little brat.

Tears spring into my eyes as a memory pierces through my thoughts. I feel a pain in my side. It hurts like a stitch when I run too fast in the park. I blow on the window to make it steamy again, so that I can erase that happy, smiling family away.

I don’t feel much like counting any more.

‘Don’t cry,’ Dee-Dee tells me when she sees that I’m getting upset. ‘The grown-ups get cross when you cry.’

I sigh, pinch myself and look back down again, stroking Dee-Dee’s hair.

‘What are you getting from Santa this year?’ Mrs Reilly asks me, making me jump.

I shrug. Who cares? I mean, Santa won’t even know where I live. For the past two years he came to Joan and Daniel’s. And before that, well, I don’t think he came at all.

‘Santa is magic, he’ll find you,’ Dee-Dee reassures me. ‘Remember that.’ I kiss her head. She always knows what to say to me to make me feel better.

‘Now, let’s try to find a parking spot,’ Mrs Reilly says. We’re on a street with red-bricked houses on either side. It’s almost dark and the big trees are making shadows on the path. Some windows are already filled with Christmas trees, and fairy lights twinkle on the driveways.

‘Look, Belle, see that lovely red door? That’s your new house.’ Mrs Reilly points to the other side of the road.

There’s no Christmas tree in the window.

The house in front of us, well, it looks dark and menacing and I don’t think I’m going to like it here.

‘Remember you’re not to cry,’ Dee-Dee warns again, as we walk up the drive towards the door. When Mrs Reilly rings the doorbell, I hold my breath and Dee-Dee even tighter, as I watch a shadow coming towards the door, through the opaque glass panels.

‘You’re shivering,’ Mrs Reilly says, pulling me in close to her. ‘You’ll be inside soon, nice and warm.’

The door opens and I gasp and take a step backwards. Standing right in front of us is the big bad wolf dressed in a really bright-yellow dress.

The wolf looks like she’s ready to eat me.

‘She’s fat,’ Dee-Dee says.

That’s not nice, I admonish her. She always says it like it is. Thing is, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone that size before.

‘She’s probably so fat because of all the children she eats,’ Dee-Dee continues.

That’s not helpful, Dee-Dee, and I look back towards Mrs Reilly’s car and wonder if I should make a run for it now.

But before I get the chance to make my getaway, the wolf smiles at me and I can see that she doesn’t have any fangs at all. Just slightly yellow teeth. And even Dee-Dee has to agree that she looks happy to see me as she ushers me in, telling me she has lots of treats waiting.

‘This could be okay,’ Dee-Dee says agreeably. We both like treats.

I sit down at a long rectangular kitchen table, which is covered in a bright-orange and red-patterned oil-skin tablecloth. The lady, Tess, has placed a glass of milk and some Penguin bars in front of me.

‘Tuck into these, pet,’ she says, smiling her big yellow teeth at me. But she doesn’t look so scary any more. And I quite like her yellow dress. It’s pretty. Then she disappears into the hall with Mrs Reilly to whisper about me.

‘Listen up,’ Dee-Dee tells me. ‘See what they have to say.’

‘She’s still not talking. It’s been weeks now since she uttered a word,’ Mrs Reilly sighs. ‘I’m at my wits ends with it all.’

‘Sure, is that any wonder? The poor thing must be scared out of her mind. How many times has she been shoved around from pillar to post?’ Tess asks. ‘She’ll talk when she’s good and ready, not a moment before.’

Mrs Reilly doesn’t answer her question, but I could. I’ve been to four foster homes since I left my mother’s. But I’m only eight and don’t really remember everything so good yet. So I suppose it could actually be more than that. And I’ve learned already that grown-ups don’t really like to talk to me about my past. If I mention my mother, they start to get real jittery.

‘I’ve tried everything. I’m on my last nerve trying to make her speak.’ Mrs Reilly moans. ‘I hope you’ve got the patience of a saint, Tess. You’ll need it.’

‘You know, you can chase a butterfly all over the fields and you’ll never catch it. But if you just sit still, he might just come over and sit on your shoulder,’ Tess says.

I don’t understand what that means. I look at Dee-Dee and she tells me she doesn’t know either. But she likes her, and I trust her opinion.

‘There was some bullying in her last school, so maybe it’s as well she’s moved from there,’ Mrs Reilly says. ‘Racial slurs, that kind of thing.’

I don’t know exactly what ‘racial slurs’ mean. But I have a fair idea. Children were mean to me, on and off, calling me names. They kept saying I should go back home to Africa and other such things.

Both Dee-Dee and me always get confused by those remarks, because I’ve never been to Africa before. I’ve never left Ireland. Dublin is my home. So technically I am home already. It’s just so complicated.

‘Oh, God love her. That’s awful,’ Tess replies. ‘You’d think in this day and age we’d be a bit more tolerant. It’s 1988, for goodness sake.’

‘She still sticks out, though. Not that many black kids in our schools yet over here. Maybe in the UK …’ Mrs Reilly says.

Black. There they go again, Dee-Dee. Always going on about me being black.

‘Oh and she has nightmares too. She won’t say what they are about, but don’t be surprised if you hear her screaming in the night,’ Mrs Reilly continues.

My stomach flips again and I start to worry that Tess will tell Mrs Reilly to take me away. She’s not saying very nice things about me.

I can’t hear what they say next, because they start to whisper really low. But after a moment or two, Mrs Reilly sticks her head into the door of the kitchen, fake smile on again.

‘I’ll be back next week to check in on you, Belle.’ And then, like that, she’s gone.

‘We can’t wait,’ Dee-Dee says, ‘we miss you already, Mrs Reilly.’

I giggle, Dee-Dee is so funny.

‘So this Dee-Dee, is she your favourite doll?’ Tess asks, making me jump when she walks back into the room. She walks over to me and picks her up. ‘Isn’t she a beauty? What a lovely dress she’s wearing too. Mrs Reilly told me all about her, that you don’t like to go anywhere without Dee-Dee.’

I nod and I’m happy that she knows the lie of the land.

‘Would you and Dee-Dee like to see your bedroom?’ Tess asks and without waiting for me to answer, she beckons me to follow her as she huffs and puffs her way upstairs.

A white wooden door opens to a small room with a single bed in it. It has a pink duvet cover on it and lots of little pink and purple cushions piled up high over the pillows. A pine bedside locker has a pink lampshade on it and Tess shows me how to switch it on and off.

I really like the walls. They have little pink roses on them with green leaves and there’s a wardrobe in the corner that looks a bit like the one from The Chronicles of Narnia.

Tess opens the double doors, but there’s no fur coats in there. Instead there are a couple of outfits hanging up and a row of shelves, with items folded neatly on them.

‘I popped into town earlier and went into Penny’s to get a few bits for you. Underwear, socks, pyjamas, a few tops and a pair of jeans. But we’ll get some more things when we work out what you need.’ Tess tells me. ‘I never know what a child will have until they walk through the door. And I think I’ve got your size all wrong. Look at those lovely long legs you have. I might have to get a bigger size in the jeans.’

I peek at her, expecting to see irritation on her face, but she doesn’t look upset at all by the length of my legs. She’s smiling as she pulls out a dressing gown and a plastic pack with a pair of brand-new pyjamas in it. They are fluffy pink ones with big red hearts on them. I decide I like them a lot.

‘I’m pretty sure these are your size, though. Would you like to get all comfy and put them on?’ Tess asks me. ‘I like to do that of an evening. You know, when there’s nobody due to visit, nothing nicer than to get cosy in a pair of pyjamas. Then we can put on the TV and have our tea on our laps. As a special treat to celebrate you arriving here.’ She smiles at me expectantly.

I blink twice and nod, feeling overwhelmed. She’s being so kind and I don’t know how to respond. I want to cry, but I know without Dee-Dee telling me that I shouldn’t do that. Don’t frighten Tess, she seems really nice. But I can’t find any words to say either. They’re all stuck in my throat.

‘Come here,’ Tess says and leads me to the bed. She pats the spot beside her so I sit down on the edge.

‘I know you’re scared, Belle. Good Lord, I would be too, if I was in your shoes. But I promise that if you give me a chance we can be happy here. You’ll be safe in this house, I give you my word on that and we might even have some fun together, you wait and see.’ She looks at me and smiles and I am overjoyed. Her smile reaches all the way up to the crinkles in the corners of her sockets. I’ve not seen one of those in a long, long time.

‘I like her,’ Dee-Dee whispers to me.

Me too.

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