Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 36, December 3, 1870

FRUIT FOR BALLOONISTS. Currents in the air

FASHION CORRESPONDENTS REPORT THAT "NETS ARE TO BE WORN MUCH LONGER." PUNCHINELLO SUGGESTS, THEN, THAT THEY MIGHT BE PROFITABLY ADAPTED FOR CATCHING FISH AS WELL AS BEAUX.

THE AVERAGE THANKSGIVING

NINE O'CLOCK A.M

 
I'm thankful I was bright enough, this year,
To have my turkey bought a week ahead!
Oh, what a bird it is! 'Twas awful dear,—
But, thank the Lord! the turkey's been well fed.
 

TEN O'CLOCK A.M

 
There! I've forgot the oysters. Thank the Lord,
There's time enough with early church; Old GRIMES,
I hope, will pity us to-day; he's bored
A hungry crowd so many, many times.
 

ELEVEN O'CLOCK A.M

 
Oh, what a crowd! Hallo! Another man!
Well, thank the Lord, 'twill be a change, at least;
I s'pose he'll aggravate us all he can:
And that's so easy just before a feast.
 

TWELVE O'CLOCK M

 
Oh, what a bore! He's worse than Grimes by half;
So slow!—That turkey will be done to rags!—
I'm famished! I could eat the fatted calf.
There! Thank the Lord! He's winding up; he fags.
 

ONE P.M

 
Give me the knife. Be quick, my love, be quick!
I never was so hungry in my life!
Well, thank the Lord, that tedious old stick
Did let us off.—Oh, hang this carving-knife!
 

TWO P.M

 
I wish I had not eaten quite so much;
But, really, the mince-pie was so prime!
You gave it just the real, old, fancy touch.
There! (Thank the Lord, I got the meat in time.)
 

THREE P.M

 
My eyes! how sleepy I have grown since noon!
Some wine or music, now, would make me gay;
Come, ANNA, let us have a little tune—
There! thank the Lord, there's no more work to-day.
 

FOUR P.M

 
What was it, ANNA? I was sound asleep;
I rather think I had the nightmare, too.
I feel half sick; cold chills around me creep.
Well, thank the Lord, Thanksgiving is all through!
 

A Pen and an Inkling

A certain HERR BISSENGER, of Pforzhelm, has presented BISMARCK with a golden pen, set with jewels, with which to sign the treaty after the capture of Paris. Foresight is well enough in its way; but if the treaty which is to end this war is not a very different one from any BISMARCK has yet suggested, penning his signature to it will be merely a preliminary to his repentance for being so short-sighted as not to see that Sedan, not Paris, was the place at which to make a lasting peace.

A Chance for Metaphysicians to be Useful

The German metaphysicians who have been so long bothering the world with reports of their searches after the undiscoverable, should now exercise whatever skill they have gained in this pursuit, in looking for signs of republican protest in Germany against the growing tyranny of their Prussian masters. Such a course would do their own country good, and, if successful, would be most grateful to the rest of the world.

A Twist of the Cable

Telegrams per cable state that "VON DER TANN is retreating"—also that "a Prussian bark has been blown up."

Combining these two statements, we obtain an excellent quality of Tan Bark, which may or may not be suggestive of further "Hidings" of the Prussians by the French.

Grant-ed

Recent disclosures concerning the President's Cabinet would go to show that this piece of administrative furniture is a cabinet with Drawers.

Bad for their Health

Travel is so impeded by the terrible state of affairs at present existing in France, that the Prussians cannot take Tours.

New Occupation for the President

A display heading in the World of November 18th has the following astounding line:—

"GRANT cuts SCHURZ."

NONE THE BETTER FOR TOO MUCH NURSING.

Dr. W.G. Bryant.—"MR. KELLEY, THAT POOR CHILD PENNSYLVANIA HAS BEEN FED TOO EXCLUSIVELY WITH PIG-IRON PAP. SUPPOSE YOU TRY SOME OF MY FREE-TRADE MIXTURE, AND SEE IF THAT WON'T RESTORE IT TO HEALTH."

HIRAM GREEN SURPRISED

His Fellow-Citizens Present Him with a Silver Tea Service.

When the Hon. BILL SOOWARD allers gets home from a voyige, the sitezens of Auburn give him a warm recepshen.

When Goyenor HOFFMAN visits the home of his childhood days, a spontaneous bust of friendship throws her lovin embrace about him.

When a few sundry other peeple, whose names shall be nameless in this communication, have arroven to their long home on tother side of the River Sticks, they will get a recepshen so warm, that, settin on top a red hot koal stove and sokin their feet in a kittle full of b'iling water, will be full as cheerin to 'em as a Mint Jewlip is to an inhabitant of the Equinoxial line.

Recepshens and presentashens bein the order of the day, I took it into my head, a short time since, to have my feller sitizens of Skeansboro' give me some of it.

Consekently I hired 1/2 dozen of my nabors, whom I supposed wouldent make turnal fools of their selves, to call at the Old Green manshon with a crowd of peeple, at the hour when I was supposed to be to bed, for the purpuss of presentin me with a silver tea sarvice, which our Joowiler had lent me for the occasion. I writ up an impromptu speech, and practiced it for over a week, out in my barn, so as to be reddy for the cerprise.

My 3 oldest darters had agreed to be dressed up in white, representen the 3 graces—Faith, Hope, & Charity—and arrangin their selfs in a tabloo in the back parler, they was to throw open the foldin doors at a signal from me. I also tride to get my wife to rig up; says she:

"Me rig up? No, sir! I wouldent encourage sich a lot of tom foolery to save your consarned neck. And I know of a sartin Old Noosants who'l ketch Hail Columbia if he musses up these ere parlers to freely."

The noosants referred to was no doubt the undersined; I know it was.

Mariar was allers full of pet names, and this was one of them.

When she called me pet names, I dident stop to argue with her. It is no use; shee'l allers have the last word, if she sets up all nite for a week for it. You mite just as well try to make Bosting fokes think the hul United States don't resolve around Masserchussetts Bay and Bosting Common once every 24 times an hour, as to undertake to stop a womans clack when she gets on a talkin fit.

The appinted nite came, and I was standin behind the winder curten, peekin out the upper hall winder, anxiusly awaitin the arrival of the crowd.

All of a sudden a percession, hove in site, headed by a drum and fife. Their onsartin way of marchin, by gettin their legs mixed all up together, made me think that by the time they got up to my house, the painful duty would devolve on to me of goin down and getten their legs ontangled.

The fifer was continually mistakin his head for a drum stick, as he fell over and let it strike vilently agin the sheep skin head of the base drum. Whilst the drummer, hisself, was mistakin evry bodys head for his musikle instrument, as he dealt out blows rite and left, to all who come within hittin distance of his intossicated drum sticks.

Arrivin before my domisil, the leeder sung out and says:

"Now boys (hic!) let's rattle up bald head, (hic!) if old 2-and-ninepence don't (hic!) shell out with his 'freshments, we'll (hic!) smash this 'ere borrered tea sarvice over his (hic!) figger head." Sayin which he gives the door bell a yank, which was enuff to pull the roof off from over our heads.

Slippin on my red nite cap, I poked my head out of my winder, and in fained cerprise, Bays to 'em:

"My good peeple, what's the meanin of this demon-stration?"

"A lot of fellers, who you hired to come and pay you a visit, has got here. So come down and let us in, old hoss," says a voice.

I went down stairs, with doubts in my mind as to the way the thing would turn out.

Unboltin the door, the assemblige filed in. A casual glance convinced me that I was not receivin into the buzzum of my family manshon a deputashun from the Skeensboro Lodge of Good Templers, for a skalier lot of whiskey-soked human beins I never sot eyes on.

There was JOB BIGLER, who useter leed the Skeensboro brick meetin house quire, tryin to pick his teeth with the corner of a pictur-frame, while standin before the lookin glass was WILLYAM DUNBAR vainly endevorin to ascertain if he was the Siameese Twins, or else was the lookin-glass a double-plated one.

Old JIM SPENCER insisted on standin with his cow-hide butes on top the mahogony senter table, for the purpuss of presentin me with the tea sarvice, while his son-in-law had no sorter hesitation, whatsomever, of planten his muddy feet into my wife's work basket, which was settin on a stool in the sou'-west corner of the front room. Others had piled theirselfs in heeps, in various parts of the room, presentin a picter which JOHN B. GOFF could work up to sich an affectin pitch, that tears could be got out of the eyes of a perfessional grave-digger.

"SQUIRE GREEN, yer (hic!) feller sitisens, wishin to do the square thing by you, hereby (hic!) take this opportunity of presentin you with this (hic!) tea sarvice, which you hired down to GRIZ'LES jooliry (hic!) store, for this momentous occassion. Take it and be 'appy. Now trot out yer (hic!) benzeen," says SPENCER. At this pint I give the signle, and the foldin doors was throde quickly open, revealin my 3 gals in a classic tabloo. I then said:

"Feller Sitizens: When I say I'me hily pleased at this onexpected cerprise, I but reiterate the pent up feelins of an overflowin heart."—

"Oh, cork up on that ere spoutin, and sound yer supper bell," said JOE BIGLER, interuptin me. I again went on.

"As I casts my eyes about me, I see the smillen faces of my feller sitizens, who have been tride and not found wantin—"

"That's a lie! We are wantin some vittles, with a little (hic!) opedildock to wash her down. When you hired us to do this job, you (hic!) 'greed to fill up," says a voice.

I pertended as how I dident hear the raskle's insultin remarks, but I was secretly itchin to be a silent spectator to his funeral, and see his miserable carciss sunk down under about 6 foot of free sile. I continnered;

"You see before you, Faith, Hope & Charity, otherwise called the 3 graces," said I, pintin to my darters, who looked as sheepish as if they was jest let loose from a femail convenshun, or some other loonatick asylum.

"Yer cant cram that stuff down our gullets, no more'n I can stand on this sugar bole without mashin it" said a vile youth, ceasin the sugar bole from the silver tea sarvice and settin his foot onto it. "Them gals haint no more faith in hoops and charity, than I have that the french peeple can live under a Republican form of government." Said another chap: "Oh, no, old GREEN, them tow-headed maidens is your darters, JOHANNER, BETTY, and MARIAR, Jr."

"Leed us to the bankett halls," says some one else.

"Come, do as yer (hic!) 'greed, and give us some pirotecknicks," some one else yelled; at this juncture all was hollerin vociferously for vittles and whiskey.

I assure you, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, it was very affectin.

In fact, I don't believe there was a dry mouth in the crowd.

"I blush for every drunken soul of you," said I, wishing to get rid if em; "and I want you to understand this meetin is adjourned to sober off."

I noticed that the 3 graces had left the room, while the assemblage was vainly endeavorin to git hold of the silver tea sarvice.

Suddenly the back parler door was busted open, and Mrs. GREEN and my 3 gals rushed in with pans of hot water and broomsticks, and if ever I enjoyed seein a lot of people baptized, it was that ere crowd, who was a yellin "bloody murder," as the hot water made their hides curl up.