PIGEON ENGLISH
Certainly newspaper writers are given to making very remarkable statements. In describing General CHANGARNIER, a newspaper lately informed us that "he stoops his head, which is sprinkled over with a few gray hairs when walking." Now, if the general's head be sprinkled when walking, we may fairly infer that the gray hairs, unless brushed off, remain upon it when it stands still. We are additionally mystified by the further statement—still with reference to the same officer—that "he enjoys the personal demeanor of the French people to a remarkable degree." This we are very much delighted to hear, although we have not the slightest idea what it means.
Corroborative
A late item of war news states that "the Prussians have advanced to Dole," while from several other sources we learn that the Prussians have come to Grief.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
Ambergris.—Can you give me the motto of the City of Strasbourg?
Answer.—We cannot at this moment recall the Flemish version of it, but it means, in English, "We make our own Pies."
Katrina Shwachenzittern.—We have had some difficulty in deciphering your manuscript. Your grievance, however, seems to be that one of your boarders, an Alsatian, keeps a ten-pound brass cannon in his bedroom, and fires a grand salvo with it whenever a French victory is announced. This, of course, is very foolish. The best way of putting a stop to it would be for your German boarders to keep guns of even larger calibre in their rooms, and fire the Frenchman down. You will then have a perfect right to charge all your boarders for extra fires.
Ney.—Please explain two things about the war. First: How did the Mobile Guard come to leave Mobile? Second: Is Francs-Tireurs the French for FRANK BUTLER'S black-and-tan terriers?
Answer.—We cannot perceive much difference between NEY and BRAY.
Artichoke.—You are mistaken in supposing total deafness to be an indispensable qualification in a candidate for the position of prompter to a theatre.
Flippertygibbet.—How is the belligerent attitude of the Russian Bear likely to affect the New York money market?
Answer.—Turn a rushin' bear into any market, and see what the result will be.
Paterfamilias.—I am the unhappy father of three brace of twins, and wish to dispose of one out of each brace. Can you advise me in the matter?
Answer.—If you don't mind being put in the Lockup, perhaps you had better apply to "Dr." LOOKUP.
Sad-you-See.—We cannot sympathize with you in your wail about the markets being "flat." Wait a while, patiently, and they will come "round."
Peter Dole.—Your questions about cooking turkeys for Thanksgiving Day are so multitudinous, that we can only reply to them generally. In Europe it is the usage for Crowned Heads and their families, only, to eat sausages with their turkey; and, if ever the true story of the Man with the Iron Mask comes to be unveiled, it is more than likely that the mystery will be found to hinge upon that fact.
A PRESIDENTIAL FLOUT
According to the Washington special despatches to the Philadelphia Inquirer, the President has tendered a Cabinet appointment to several distinguished members of the Union League of that city. Either from excessive modesty, however, or, as is probable, from prudent doubts as to their ability to fill the position, all of these gentlemen have declined to accept the offer.
It is surmised that the object of the President's recent visit to Philadelphia (ostensibly to see his old friend, Mr. BORIE), was to examine the roll of the League, comprising two thousand members, for the purpose of selecting one who might serve on a pinch to fill the office in question.
This was a bitter stroke of satire on the part of Mr. GRANT, since it is generally understood in Philadelphia, that, outside the ranks of the Mutual Admiration Society to which we have referred, there are no brains to be found among the Republicans of Philadelphia.
A Bubble of Air
What is the most favorable sort of weather for ballooning?
Highly favorable weather.
THE THREE CENTS
An Incident both Dramatic and True.
SLINEY, OF SWAMPVILLE, COMES TO THE CITY. AS HE SHAMBLES ALONG THREE BRIGHT CENTS FALL AT HIS FEET. AMAZEMENT OF SLINEY, WHO GAZES UP AT AN OPEN WINDOW, BUT, NOT SEEING ANY PERSON THERE, SUPPOSES THAT SHOWERS OF COPPERS ARE PECULIAR TO THE CLIMATE.
HAVING POCKETED THE COINS, SLINEY PROCEEDS UPON HIS WAY. HARDLY HAS HE GONE A DOZEN PACES WHEN THREE CENTS AGAIN RING DOWN UPON THE FLAG-STONES, AND SPARKLE THERE IN THE SUN. DELIGHT OF SLINEY, WHO AGAIN GAZES UP SMILINGLY AT THIRD-STORY WINDOWS, HOLDING OUT HIS HAT AS IF TO ASK FOR MORE.
AGAIN SLINEY PROCEEDS TO POCKET THE COINS. BUT, HA!—WHAT IS THIS? HIS COUNTENANCE CHANGES: HIS LONG BONY FINGERS NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME DETECT THE FATAL FLAW IN HIS TROUSERS POCKET. 'TWAS HIS ORIGINAL CAPITAL, BROUGHT BY HIM FROM SWAMPVILLE TO INVEST IN STOCKS, THAT HE HAS BEEN PICKING UP ALL ALONG. AGONY OF SLINEY, WHICH IS AGGRAVATED BY THE RIBALD LAUGHTER OF SOME WICKED PERSONS WHO HAVE THROWN THEMSELVES UPON HIS TRACK.
THE LATEST BOSTON NOTION
The well-earned reputation acquired by Boston for leading the world in new ideas is so thoroughly established as to need no recapitulation here. We merely speak of it for the purpose of mentioning that city's last contribution to mankind, of this kind. They have a hotel there which advertises through the seductive fly-pages of our magazines in the following terms: "Courtesy to strangers is a marked feature in the management of—"
But we remember in time that we have no right to interfere with the advertising columns. However, it is a fact that there is a hotel in America where courtesy to guests is a feature, and of course a marked one. It is a cheering fact, and especially so just now, in this early fall, when we are all smarting with the fresh memories of our summer's sufferings at the hands of the hotel proprietors, their head clerks, and the rest of the rapacious crew. What an attractive picture it presents! A hotel where guests are treated with courtesy! Really, if anything could seduce us into making a visit to Boston, the desire to actually witness this surprising innovation upon our national customs would prove too strong for the reverential fear which keeps us distant worshippers of that American Mecca.
Odious Comparison
"She is a gem," remarked Mr. JENKINSOP, speaking of his red-haired wife.
"Yes—a diamond of many carats," was the low rejoinder of JENKINSOP'S friend, WINKLESOP.
ROYAL DEMOCRACY
It appears to have been decided that one of the royal princesses of England can be allowed to marry, without being obliged to find some royal prince for that purpose. Perhaps this course has been discovered to be possible from the fact that the stock of royal princes is getting short in Europe. Prussia has gobbled up any number of German ones, and bids fair to do so with the rest. But we prefer to think that this innovation is really due to the women's rights movement. Their platform is broad enough for the entire sex to stand on, and why should a princess, from the unfortunate accident of her birth, be debarred her natural right to fall in love with the man of her choice, and to marry the man she loves. At any rate we commend this change of policy to the leaders of the women's rights party, as a proof of the success their movement has gained, and advise them to send a series of congratulatory resolutions to the princess in question, upon her gaining her unquestioned right to consult her heart rather than a Lord Chancellor in the bestowal of her hand.
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