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Source ISBN: 9780002187336

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008193263

Version: 2016-06-20

Dedication

To Sheila, Aine, James,

Liam and Fiona Finneran

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction

The Good, The Glad and The Wordy

Chapter One: Athletic Aberrations

Chapter Two: Baseball Bloomers

Chapter Three: Basketball Babel

Chapter Four: Board and Card Games

Chapter Five: Boxing Barbs

Chapter Six: Pedal to the Metal

Chapter Seven: Cricket Classics

Chapter Eight: Football’s Fun and Frolics

Chapter Nine: Golfing Gems

Chapter Ten: Horse Racing Hoots

Chapter Eleven: Ruck and Roll

Chapter Twelve: Snooker from the Lip

Chapter Thirteen: Tennis Theatricals

Chapter Fourteen: Sporting Miscellany

Great Sporting Supermouths of our Time

Chapter Fifteen: Walker the Talker

Chapter Sixteen: The Lowe-Down

Chapter Seventeen: On the Great Vine

Chapter Eighteen: The Golden Foot in Mouth Award

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

Introduction

In 1906 Ambrose Bierce defined quotation as ‘the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.’ Down through history much has been said and written about the people and events that have shaped the sporting world. This book assembles some of the most commonly misquoted and misattributed of those sporting quotations.

Humour is a difficult thing to define. What reduces one person to helpless laughter may leave another indifferent. And what makes a funny quote? The context can be crucial.

In normal circumstances the following would not be of great interest: ‘Sharp are currently working on bringing 3D TV into your living-rooms. Mr Koshima hopes it will be so realistic that viewers will have to duck when Eric Cantona takes a shot.’

However, what makes this press release from Manchester United’s sponsors such a gem is that it was issued just before Cantona’s flying kick at a Crystal Palace fan. Of course, Cantona has carved a special niche for himself in this field with the immortal ‘When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.’ No doubt this remark will be the subject of PhD theses in years to come in such disparate disciplines as philosophy, Anglo-French literature and sporting psychology.

The quote ‘Because we are dressed in black and white, the red, yellow, green, brown, blue and pink of the balls appeal to us’ may not seem very noteworthy. It becomes interesting when the source is revealed as Mother John Baptist of the Benedictine Order of the Adorers of the Sacred Heart of Jesus of Montmartre, who pray for the one hundred martyrs of the Reformation, during a snooker competition among the sisters to raise funds for their London convent.

Innuendo is another favoured verbal weapon in sporting quotes. An example is a remark, often attributed to Jilly Cooper, about a different form of sailing game: ‘I never liked sailing men. They yell blue murder at you all day, but then, when the boat is moored, the whisky comes out, “Captain Bligh” turns into Casanova and is all ready to play deck coitus.’

In 1890 Samuel Butler observed: ‘It is bad enough to see one’s own good things fathered on other people, but it is worse to have other people’s rubbish fathered upon oneself.’ Received wisdom is often incorrect. Cary Grant boasted: ‘I improve on misquotation.’ This book may also serve as an arbitration facility for long-standing disputes about who said what. The target audience is any reader with a sense of humour, or an eye for the eccentric or simply ridiculous, but obviously this will mean more to the sports enthusiast. One preliminary warning – the truth is often funnier than fiction.

John Scally

Rathmines, Dublin

PART ONE

THE GOOD, THE GLAD AND THE WORDY

Athletic Aberrations

Robert Burns once stated: ‘I like to have quotations ready for every occasion … they save one the trouble of finding expression adequate to one’s feelings.’ At its best, athletics has the power to make the pulse miss a beat. Whatever your sporting fancy, this collection of quotations recreates the unique excitement, drama and unpredictability of athletics in the words of the sport’s practitioners. Anyone who’s anyone in the athletics game may find themselves quoted here in their scurrilous, unguarded, rude and humorous moments. A newspaper is rather caustically defined by George Bernard Shaw as a device ‘unable to distinguish between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilisation.’ Hence it is no surprise that the media presence in this section is very strong.

1. On the track

Misplaced Confidence

The difference between me and other athletes who go to the Olympics is that I go to win and they go to compete.

David Bedford, long-distance runner, before the Munich Olympics. He only came sixth!

Heavy Breather

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck

Fall Of The Titans

The most famous collision since the Titanic and the iceberg.

Pat Butcher on Zola Budd’s tripping of Mary Decker in the 1984 Olympics

Amongst Women

My secrets? I don’t know – maybe ladies?

Mexican marathon man Dionicio Ceron on the key to his success

Health-Conscious

Go jogging? What, and get hit by a meteor?

Robert Benchley

The Power Of Love

I never jog. Love is still a better and more pleasurable sport.

Cary Grant

Race

We should be thankful to lynch mobs. I’ve got a brother who can run a half-mile faster than any white boy in the world.

Dick Gregory

Handicap

My leotard got twisted and stuck right up my bottom just as I was getting to the hurdle. It was a bit of an unwanted distraction, really.

Sally Gunnell, unhappy at encountering unexpected problems in her 1993 World Championship semi-final

You Don’t Say

Early rounds of an athletics meeting are called heats, because that is when the competition begins to heat up.

Colin M. Jarman

A Racing Certainty

The race is not always to the swift, but that is where to look.

Hugh E. Keough

Close Shave

Italian men and Russian women don’t shave before a race.

Eddy Ottoz

Bias

The decathlon is nine Mickey Mouse events and the 1500 metres.

Steve Ovett

Incentive

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Missing The Target

The athletic facilities situation is a mess. Girls still haven’t figured out how to use the urinals.

John Roberts

Elementary, My Dear Watson

In running, you have to be suspicious when you line up against girls with moustaches.

Maree Holland

Medical Advice

My doctor told me my jogging could add years to my life. I told him ‘Yeah, since I began, I already feel ten years older!’

Lee Trevino

Early Risers

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch Breakfast TV.

Victoria Wood

Testing Positive

If she [Diane Modahl] was as much over the limit as the test supposes, she would be a big girl with a deep voice and beard. We’d all be calling her Barry White.

Tony Jarrett

High Power

Nature’s attempt [Vladimir Kuts - Olympic 5000 & 10000m champion] at an engine in boots.

A. P. Herbert

Wired For Speed

I’m studying to be an electronics engineer. I put wires in my legs.

Wilson Kipketer after winning the 800m gold at the 1995 World Championships

Mathematics Made Complicated

I’ve got ten pairs of training shoes. One for every day of the week.

Samantha Fox, ex-Page Three Girl

Requirements

Women need a firm bra, not one of the flimsy all-elastic ones. That’s especially true if you have large breasts. Otherwise they’ll bounce and you’ll always be waiting for them to come down before you take your step.

Nine Kuscsik

2. Field Of Dreams

Expensive Education

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Minna Antrim

Muscle

People think of me as the Incredible Hulk.

Fatima Whitbread

The Hands That Rock The Cradle

To be an Olympic champion, I am convinced you must choose your parents carefully.

Per-Olaf Astrand, Swedish athletic researcher

Idiotic

Athletic sports, save in the case of young boys, are designed for idiots.

George Nathan

Amateur Ethos

A proper definition of an amateur sportsman today is one who accepts cash, not cheques.

Jack Kelly

High Profile

Our athletes are flying the flagship for British sport.

Fatima Whitbread

Elegance

Watching the Russian female shot-putters is like watching an eighteen-stone ballet dancer.

David Campbell

Hidden Talents

Somewhere inside that flabby body [Geoff Capes’] was an athlete trying to get out.

Stuart Storey

High Flyers

If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can each jump one foot.

Frederick E. Terman

Vogue

The only time our girls looked good in Munich was in the discotheque, between 9 and 11 every night.

US Olympic coach

Realism

I know I’m no Kim Basinger – but she can’t throw the javelin.

Fatima Whitbread

Birth Control

The [Olympic] Games need to take the Pill before the sporting explosion gets entirely out of hand.

Peter Wilson

3. Soundbytes

Job Opportunities

If you’re a sporting star, you’re a sporting star. If you don’t quite make it, you become a coach. If you can’t coach, you become a journalist. If you can’t spell, you introduce Grandstand on a Saturday afternoon.

Desmond Lynam

Darwin Revisited

Tonight, a special Horizon programme, Survival of the Fartest … Fastest.

Richard Baker from the BBC cassette Sporting Gaffes

Sequence Of Events

That performance would have won him the Olympic gold medal in the championship four years ago, which he won anyway.

Desmond Lynam, talking about Sebastian Coe

Get To The Bottom Of It

Harvey Glance, the black American sprinter, with the white top and black bottom.

Ron Pickering

A Change Of Plan

When the pace is slow, sometimes the athletes will make a move they hadn’t planned to make earlier in the race than they planned to do it.

Brendan Foster

Insight

Watch the time – it gives you a good indication of how fast they are running.

Ron Pickering

Carried Away

Anything that matters so much to David Coleman, you realise, doesn’t matter so much at all.

Clive James

Des -ire

Desmond Lynam is so laid back, he’s almost horizontal – which is exactly how his legions of fantasising housewifely fans imagine him to be.

Frank Keating

The Invisible Woman

Zola Budd, so small, so waif-like, you literally cannot see her; but there she is.

Alan Parry

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