CHARACTERS
THE LITTLE MAN.
THE AMERICAN.
THE ENGLISHMAN.
THE ENGLISHWOMAN.
THE GERMAN.
THE DUTCH BOY.
THE MOTHER.
THE BABY.
THE WAITER.
THE STATION OFFICIAL.
THE POLICEMAN.
THE PORTER.
SCENE I
Afternoon, on the departure platform of an Austrian railway station. At several little tables outside the buffet persons are taking refreshment, served by a pale young waiter. On a seat against the wall of the buffet a woman of lowly station is sitting beside two large bundles, on one of which she has placed her baby, swathed in a black shawl.
WAITER. [Approaching a table whereat sit an English traveller and his wife] Two coffee?
ENGLISHMAN. [Paying] Thanks. [To his wife, in an Oxford voice] Sugar?
ENGLISHWOMAN. [In a Cambridge voice] One.
AMERICAN TRAVELLER. [With field-glasses and a pocket camera from another table] Waiter, I'd like to have you get my eggs. I've been sitting here quite a while.
WAITER. Yes, sare.
GERMAN TRAVELLER. 'Kellner, bezahlen'! [His voice is, like his moustache, stiff and brushed up at the ends. His figure also is stiff and his hair a little grey; clearly once, if not now, a colonel.]
WAITER. 'Komm' gleich'!
[The baby on the bundle wails. The mother takes it up to soothe it. A young, red-cheeked Dutchman at the fourth table stops eating and laughs.]
AMERICAN. My eggs! Get a wiggle on you!
WAITER. Yes, sare. [He rapidly recedes.]
[A LITTLE MAN in a soft hat is seen to the right of tables. He stands a moment looking after the hurrying waiter, then seats himself at the fifth table.]
ENGLISHMAN. [Looking at his watch] Ten minutes more.
ENGLISHWOMAN. Bother!
AMERICAN. [Addressing them] 'Pears as if they'd a prejudice against eggs here, anyway.
[The ENGLISH look at him, but do not speak. ]
GERMAN. [In creditable English] In these places man can get nothing.
[The WAITER comes flying back with a compote for the DUTCH YOUTH, who pays.]
GERMAN. 'Kellner, bezahlen'!
WAITER. 'Eine Krone sechzig'.
[The GERMAN pays.]
AMERICAN. [Rising, and taking out his watch – blandly] See here. If I don't get my eggs before this watch ticks twenty, there'll be another waiter in heaven.
WAITER. [Flying] 'Komm' gleich'!
AMERICAN. [Seeking sympathy] I'm gettin' kind of mad!
[The ENGLISHMAN halves his newspaper and hands the advertisement half to his wife. The BABY wails. The MOTHER rocks it.] [The DUTCH YOUTH stops eating and laughs. The GERMAN lights a cigarette. The LITTLE MAN sits motionless, nursing his hat. The WAITER comes flying back with the eggs and places them before the AMERICAN.]
AMERICAN. [Putting away his watch] Good! I don't like trouble. How much?
[He pays and eats. The WAITER stands a moment at the edge of the platform and passes his hand across his brow. The LITTLE MAN eyes him and speaks gently.]
LITTLE MAN. Herr Ober!
[The WAITER turns.]
Might I have a glass of beer?
WAITER. Yes, sare.
LITTLE MAN. Thank you very much.
[The WAITER goes.]
AMERICAN. [Pausing in the deglutition of his eggs – affably] Pardon me, sir; I'd like to have you tell me why you called that little bit of a feller "Herr Ober." Reckon you would know what that means? Mr. Head Waiter.
LITTLE MAN. Yes, yes.
AMERICAN. I smile.
LITTLE MAN. Oughtn't I to call him that?
GERMAN. [Abruptly] 'Nein – Kellner'.
AMERICAN. Why, yes! Just "waiter."
[The ENGLISHWOMAN looks round her paper for a second. The DUTCH YOUTH stops eating and laughs. The LITTLE MAN gazes from face to face and nurses his hat.]
LITTLE MAN. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
GERMAN. Gott!
AMERICAN. In my country we're very democratic – but that's quite a proposition.
ENGLISHMAN. [Handling coffee-pot, to his wife] More?
ENGLISHWOMAN. No, thanks.
GERMAN. [Abruptly] These fellows – if you treat them in this manner, at once they take liberties. You see, you will not get your beer.
[As he speaks the WAITER returns, bringing the LITTLE MAN'S beer, then retires.]
AMERICAN. That 'pears to be one up to democracy. [To the LITTLE MAN] I judge you go in for brotherhood?
LITTLE MAN. [Startled] Oh, no!
AMERICAN. I take considerable stock in Leo Tolstoi myself. Grand man – grand-souled apparatus. But I guess you've got to pinch those waiters some to make 'em skip. [To the ENGLISH, who have carelessly looked his way for a moment] You'll appreciate that, the way he acted about my eggs.
[The ENGLISH make faint motions with their chins and avert their eyes.] [To the WAITER, who is standing at the door of the buffet]
Waiter! Flash of beer – jump, now!
WAITER. 'Komm' gleich'!
GERMAN. 'Cigarren'!
WAITER. 'Schon'!
[He disappears.]
AMERICAN. [Affably – to the LITTLE MAN] Now, if I don't get that flash of beer quicker'n you got yours, I shall admire.
GERMAN. [Abruptly] Tolstoi is nothing 'nichts'! No good! Ha?
AMERICAN. [Relishing the approach of argument] Well, that is a matter of temperament. Now, I'm all for equality. See that poor woman there – very humble woman – there she sits among us with her baby. Perhaps you'd like to locate her somewhere else?
GERMAN. [Shrugging]. Tolstoi is 'sentimentalisch'. Nietzsche is the true philosopher, the only one.
AMERICAN. Well, that's quite in the prospectus – very stimulating party – old Nietch – virgin mind. But give me Leo! [He turns to the red-cheeked YOUTH] What do you opine, sir? I guess by your labels you'll be Dutch. Do they read Tolstoi in your country?
[The DUTCH YOUTH laughs.]
AMERICAN. That is a very luminous answer.
GERMAN. Tolstoi is nothing. Man should himself express. He must push – he must be strong.
AMERICAN. That is so. In America we believe in virility; we like a man to expand. But we believe in brotherhood too. We draw the line at niggers; but we aspire. Social barriers and distinctions we've not much use for.
ENGLISHMAN. Do you feel a draught?
ENGLISHWOMAN. [With a shiver of her shoulder toward the AMERICAN] I do – rather.
GERMAN. Wait! You are a young people.
AMERICAN. That is so; there are no flies on us. [To the LITTLE MAN, who has been gazing eagerly from face to face] Say! I'd like to have you give us your sentiments in relation to the duty of man.
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