Four Short Plays

John Galsworthy

Four Short Plays

A Satiric Trifle

CHARACTERS

HERSELF.

LADY ELLA.

THE SQUIRE.

THE MAID.

MAUD.

THE RECTOR.

THE DOCTOR.

THE CABMAN.

HANNIBAL and EDWARD

HALL-MARKED

The scene is the sitting-room and verandah of HER bungalow. The room is pleasant, and along the back, where the verandah runs, it seems all window, both French and casement. There is a door right and a door left. The day is bright; the time morning. .

LADY ELLA. Don't bring Hannibal in till I know where she's put Edward!

MAUD. Bad dog! Bad dog!

LADY ELLA. Maud, do take him out! Tie him up. Here! No – something stronger! Poor darling Edward! You are a bad dog!

MAUD. Edward began it, Ella. Bad dog! Bad dog!

LADY ELLA. Tie him up outside. Here, take my scarf. Where is my poor treasure? Catch! His ear's torn; I saw it.

MAUD. Now!

He smells horrible. Bad dog – getting into ponds to fight!

LADY ELLA. Tie him up, Maud. I must try in here.

MAUD. Smell him, Bertie! You might have that pond drained, Squire!

HER VOICE. All right! I've bound him up!

LADY ELLA. May I come in?

HER VOICE. Just a second! I've got nothing on.

LADY ELLA. Oh! There you are!

THE RECTOR. I was just going to wade in —

LADY ELLA. Hannibal would have killed him, if she hadn't rushed in!

THE SQUIRE. Done him good, little beast!

LADY ELLA. Why didn't you go in, Tommy?

THE SQUIRE. Well, I would – only she —

LADY ELLA. I can't think how she got Edward out of Hannibal's awful mouth!

MAUD. Bad dog!

LADY ELLA. We must simply thank her tremendously! I shall never forget the way she ran in, with her skirts up to her waist!

THE SQUIRE. By Jove! No. It was topping.

LADY ELLA. Her clothes must be ruined. That pond – ugh! Tommy, do have it drained.

THE RECTOR. I don't remember her face in church.

THE SQUIRE. Ah! Yes. Who is she? Pretty woman!

LADY ELLA. I must get the Vet. to Edward. Tommy, do exert yourself!

THE SQUIRE. All right! Here's a bell!

HER VOICE. The bleeding's stopped. Shall I send him in to you?

LADY ELLA. Oh, please! Poor darling!

LADY ELLA. Look! Hannibal's loose! Maud – Tommy. You!

LADY ELLA. Yes, I know – you'd like to! You SHALL bite him when it's safe. Oh! my darling, you DO – .

Have you tied him properly this time?

MAUD. With Bertie's braces.

LADY ELLA. Oh! but —

MAUD. It's all right; they're almost leather.

LADY ELLA. Rector, are you sure it's safe?

THE RECTOR. No, indeed, LADY Ella – I —

LADY ELLA. Tommy, do lend a hand!

THE SQUIRE. All right, Ella; all right! He doesn't mean what you mean!

LADY ELLA. Hold him, Tommy. He's sure to smell out Hannibal!

THE SQUIRE. Jove! Clever if he can smell anything but himself. Phew! She ought to have the Victoria Cross for goin' in that pond.

SHE. So very sorry – had to have a bath, and change, of course!

LADY ELLA. We're so awfully grateful to you. It was splendid.

MAUD. Quite.

THE RECTOR. Heroic! I was just myself about to —

THE SQUIRE. Little beast will fight – must apologise – you were too quick for me —

SHE. Poor dears! They thought they were so safe in that nice pond!

LADY ELLA. Is he very badly torn?

SHE. Rather nasty. There ought to be a stitch or two put in his ear.

LADY ELLA. I thought so. Tommy, do —

THE SQUIRE. All right. Am I to let him go?

LADY ELLA. No.

MAUD. The fly's outside. Bertie, run and tell Jarvis to drive in for the Vet.

THE RECTOR. Run? Well, Maud – I —

SHE. The doctor would sew it up. My maid can go round.

LADY ELLA. Look! Catch him! Rector!

MAUD. Bertie! Catch him!

SHE. Take this strop – he can't break that. And would these be any good to you?

LADY ELLA. Splendid, isn't she? I do admire her.

THE SQUIRE. She's all there.

THE RECTOR. Most kind.

THE SQUIRE. Eh?

MAUD. Yes.

THE SQUIRE. Ah!

LADY ELLA. Poor darling!

THE SQUIRE. Ella, the Rector wants to get up!

THE RECTOR. Perhaps – just for a moment —

LADY ELLA. Oh!

THE SQUIRE. So she's married!

LADY ELLA. Why?

THE SQUIRE. Braces.

LADY ELLA. Oh! Yes. We ought to ask them to dinner, Tommy.

THE SQUIRE. Ah! Yes. Wonder who they are?

THE RECTOR. Really very good of her to lend her husband's – I was – er – quite —

MAUD. That'll do, Bertie.

HERSELF. Caught the doctor just starting, So lucky!

LADY ELLA. Oh! Thank goodness!

DOCTOR. How do, Lady Ella? How do, Squire? – how do, Rector? How de do? This the beastie? I see. Quite! Who'll hold him for me?

LADY ELLA. Oh! I!

HERSELF. D'you know, I think I'd better. It's so dreadful when it's your own, isn't it? Shall we go in here, doctor? Come along, pretty boy!

LADY ELLA. I dreaded it. She is splendid!

THE SQUIRE. Dogs take to her. That's a sure sign.

THE RECTOR. Little things – one can always tell.

THE SQUIRE. Something very attractive about her – what! Fine build of woman.

MAUD. I shall get hold of her for parish work.

THE RECTOR. Ah! Excellent – excellent! Do!

THE SQUIRE. Wonder if her husband shoots? She seems quite-er – quite —

LADY ELLA. Quite! Altogether charming; one of the nicest faces I ever saw.

Oh! Doctor – have you? is it – ?

DOCTOR. Right as rain! She held him like an angel – he just licked her, and never made a sound.

LADY ELLA. Poor darling! Can I —

DOCTOR. Better leave 'em a minute. She's moppin' 'im off. Wonderful clever hands!

THE SQUIRE. I say – who is she?

DOCTOR. Who? Well – there you have me! All I know is she's a first-rate nurse – been helpin' me with a case in Ditch Lane. Nice woman, too – thorough good sort! Quite an acquisition here. H'm! Excuse me hurryin' off – very late. Good-bye, Rector. Good-bye, Lady Ella. Good-bye!

THE SQUIRE. H'm! I suppose we ought to be a bit careful.

JARVIS. Beg pardon, sir. Is the little dog all right?

MAUD. Yes.

JARVIS. Seein' you've missed your train, m'm, shall I wait, and take you 'ome again?

MAUD. No.

JARVIS. Cert'nly, m'm.

LADY ELLA. Oh, Jarvis – what's the name of the people here?

JARVIS. Challenger's the name I've driven 'em in, my lady.

THE SQUIRE. Challenger? Sounds like a hound. What's he like?

JARVIS. Wears a soft 'at, sir.

THE SQUIRE. H'm! Ah!

JARVIS. Very nice gentleman