Happy Baby, Happy Family: Learning to trust yourself and enjoy your baby

Copyright

Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk First published by Thorsons 2015 FIRST EDITION Text © Sarah Beeson MBE and Amy Beeson 2015 Illustrations © Helen Braid Cover photograph © Age Fotostock/SuperStock Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library Sarah Beeson MBE and Amy Beeson assert the moral right to be identified as the authors of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green Source ISBN: 9780007520114 Ebook Edition © June 2015 ISBN: 9780007520121 Version: 2015-04-16

To my family Amy, Takbir and Ava

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Preface

Discovering Your Parenting Style

1 Every Day You Breastfeed Is a Huge Achievement

2 The Secrets for Successful Bottle-feeding

3 Sleep, Calming and Creating Your Own Routine

4 Being a New Mum Is Life Changing

5 Finding Your Role as a New Dad and Supporting Your Partner

6 Five Things You Can Do to Have a Happy Baby – and Understanding Their Development

7 Keep It Simple – Wean Your Way

8 Teething and Caring for Your Baby’s Teeth

9 Leaving Your Baby in Someone Else’s Care and Going Back to Work

The Happy Baby A–Z of Practical Care

List of Searchable Terms

Acknowledgements

Extract The New Arrival: the heartwarming true story of a 1970s trainee nurse

About the Publisher

Preface

Sarah Beeson MBE

In our lives there are often times when we feel overwhelmed by responsibility – even when it’s something we’ve been longing for, the reality can be a bit of a shock. When I started my nursing and health visiting career, the challenges I faced and overcame influenced the rest of my life. Becoming a parent, too, can be all-consuming and you begin to question whether you can do it. After four decades devoted to better understanding the needs of children, I can honestly say that this is the best generation of parents there has ever been.

During wonderful years nursing at Hackney Hospital I discovered that my calling was to be a health visitor, and then there was no looking back. I went on to be one of the youngest health visitors in the country, working with families in Kent and then Staffordshire. I was honoured to receive the MBE from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II for services to children and families. My health-prevention work was also recognised when I was given the Queen’s Nursing Institute Award. Life as a health visitor was hard work, inspiring, exhausting and very fulfilling. I thought I’d continue working in the community until my retirement and then settle down to a quiet life in the country.

The inspiration for putting pen to paper on the advice I shared every day with parents as a health visitor was the arrival of my own grandchild. I had been working on how best to communicate the emotional needs of children in my everyday practice since the 1970s, but I hadn’t written anything except a few articles and leaflets. At the heart of all the practical advice I was sharing was the wish to ensure parents could see how they were meeting their baby’s emotional needs, and why it is so important.

Health visiting gave me the opportunity not just to help families but to learn from them. To really make a difference you have to address the needs of the whole family, and, most importantly, to listen to their problems, concerns and worries. The first step is to build a relationship with parents and earn their trust in order to give the advice that is right for them.

If you are in the UK and have a health visitor, they may be someone you have a close relationship with or it may be that due to the rapidly declining numbers of health visitors and the service being reduced, your health visitor might not play a big part of your experience with your new baby. I know there is nothing like a one-on-one service, but I do hope this book will help parents to feel like they have access to the advice I have built up over a lifetime of practice in the community.

A good health visitor doesn’t think they know it all, no matter how long they’ve practised; when you walk into someone’s home or speak to them at clinic you’re just getting a glimpse of how things are. A health visitor has to give families both time and the opportunity to engage. Families shouldn’t fit the health visiting service – the service offered should be shaped around the needs of families, and at some point every parent needs support, someone to talk to, advice and solutions. Every parent needs that, including me.

When you offer parenting advice, it’s crucial that mums and dads don’t feel judged and that you don’t have a one-size-fits-all approach. When parents are talking to you, if you are thinking about what you are going to say next then you aren’t really listening, and the opportunity to really help them will be missed. That has always been my approach to health visiting; it’s one I learned from working with some truly exceptional nurses and health visitors right at the beginning of my career, and it has translated into the style of advice I offer to parents.

My journey from health visiting to writing started when my lovely daughter Amy Beeson became pregnant and asked me to email her advice on how to feed her baby for the first time. It was a joy to pass on all the secrets I’d learned from working with knowledgeable health professionals and dedicated parents. Amy told me she hadn’t come across my style of advice in any of the baby books she was reading. There was so much she and her friends wanted to know; could I do some more? Before I knew it, I was writing a parenting book, and Amy was editing it for me during her Little One’s nap times. Time flew by and my daughter’s year of maternity leave was over. It’s such a difficult time for so many women; few of us ever feel we’ve got the balance between all our responsibilities right. Then something life changing happened: not just one but several publishers wanted our parenting book (the book you’re reading right now). We were thrilled, and surprised they also wanted us to write my true story of nursing in Hackney (The New Arrival) and about health visiting in Kent in the 1970s (She’s Arrived!).

Amy and I waved goodbye to our steady jobs and now work together writing and meeting wonderful readers and parents. I never imagined I’d be an author but, more importantly, passing on my knowledge and experience to parents is a huge privilege – and sometimes it’s a little daunting. Focusing on why I do the job that I do is what really matters, and it’s no different today than it was all those years ago. I want a world filled with happy babies, and for mums and dads to see what a fantastic start in life they are giving their children by putting them at the centre of their lives and meeting their emotional needs as well as their practical ones.

I hope your own new arrival fills your life with joy – and thank you for letting us come on this special journey with you.

Visit www.sarahbeeson.org to find out more and download your FREE poo colour chart.

Discovering Your Parenting Style

One thing I’ve learned after four decades working with literally thousands of families from all walks of life and in all kinds of circumstances is this – there isn’t one perfect way of parenting; every single baby and family is unique. It is the parents or the person who is the main carer for a child who has the greatest insight into the needs of their Little One.

I promise you, no matter who you are or how things might look from the outside, every good parent has doubts about their abilities or the choices they are making. One way you could use this book is as a companion that offers solutions to help you find your parenting style and to give you reassurance when you need it, so you can be the parent you want to be. Feeling confident, authentic and positive about your role as a parent is key to building a loving relationship with your child. If there is one thing I’d like this book to achieve, it would be to help parents trust themselves and enjoy their time with their baby, because they grow so fast.

I have a simple philosophy underlying all my parenting advice: babies who have a strong attachment to their mothers (or the main caregiver) are more likely to grow into happy children, adolescents and adults who have a good relationship with you and will turn to you in times of need and celebrate with you in times of joy. It sounds simplistic but I do believe that when parents love and nurture their children the result is a happy baby, as well as happy mums and dads; and ultimately this results in happier families and a better society.

In this book we’ll look at practical care from birth until your baby’s first birthday. At first life will revolve around feeding, trying to get them to sleep and an endless stream of dirty nappies, but things do change rapidly during your baby’s first year. Experience has shown me that it is helpful for mums and dads to know what to expect and to have some solutions for dealing with common problems. We’ll look at what it means when a baby is behaving in a certain way, what you can do to help your baby, and how the approach you take will reinforce your Little One’s ever-growing sense of attachment to you.

The one-to-one service I offered as a health visitor cannot be fully replicated in this book, as so much comes out of having an ongoing conversation with mums and dads. I don’t think there has ever been a single mum who would have received all the advice that’s in here, because she wouldn’t have needed it. It is unrealistic and unhelpful to suggest there is one way of caring for a baby. To create the expectation that there is a single right way of doing things doesn’t help parents, and it doesn’t help babies – it just makes people feel angry or anxious.

Many parents want to learn more about their child’s development and the practical and emotional needs of their baby – but where do you start? There is so much information but often it doesn’t go into the detail you may need, and you aren’t always sure of the authority of the person who’s written it. When it comes to childcare, advice can be very slanted to a particular method of caring for babies, and you may feel that you and your baby don’t fit that mould. We have to experiment and do what works for us and our family.

The unconditional and overwhelming love most parents have for their baby is like no other (though not everyone will experience that right away; for some it takes time and can depend on the circumstances around the birth of their child). It is love that can give you an inner strength you never knew you had. Love is the greatest gift we can ever give our children; a baby that feels loved every day is going to be a happy baby.

We feel loved when our needs are met, when we get daily affection and understanding, when we are treated with kindness and respect, and are secure and know we come first. A baby is no different; they are just a tiny person who needs that love more than anything – a baby needs to know there is at least one person who absolutely cares for them. Everything else you do is a choice; we make small decisions every day and are continually adapting to new situations – that is the most any parent can do.

It’s good to understand what your baby’s needs are and base your day around them, but you’ll probably need some flexibility to adapt to what each day brings. You’ll notice patterns emerging and develop a rhythm and understanding of what makes your baby happy so you can create an adaptable mini-routine that is right for you both. It’s paramount that you give yourself the time and space to develop confidence in yourself as a parent and recognise your ability to tune in to your baby’s daily needs. How you want to care for your baby and shape your day is down to you; every family is different, and your baby is a unique individual, but there are basic needs that all babies have, and it can only boost your confidence and ability as a parent to read, think and discuss what they are.

For me the Dalai Lama expresses this perfectly: he says, ‘Everyone can understand from natural experience and common sense that affection is crucial from the day of birth; it is the basis of life.’ Keep that in mind and you are already on the road to forming a wonderful relationship with your baby.

I hope you enjoy your baby every step of the way, and remember there’s no better or more challenging role in the world than becoming a parent. I know how much you want to do the best you can for your baby, and I’ve seen first hand that more and more parents are making their baby their top priority – and it’s having a big effect: happier babies.

1

Every Day You Breastfeed Is a Huge Achievement

If you choose to breastfeed it will have lots of benefits for both you and your baby. Give it a go if you can and want to, would be my advice, but don’t be pressured in any way. This is your baby and your decision; no one should make you feel guilty about your choice to breastfeed or not. Take it one day at a time – understanding breastfeeding and having realistic expectations of yourself and your baby will make it more likely you’ll be relaxed and have a positive experience.

Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing; there are huge health benefits for mother and child, and it helps to develop attachment – but it’s not always easy. Please don’t think you are doing something wrong if you find it challenging, because it can be. You wouldn’t expect to get into a car for the first time and just drive it; it takes practice and then one day you find yourself driving along without really even having to think about it.

Nearly all babies have some frustration when learning how to feed; you’re both doing something new for the first time, and practice makes perfect when it comes to breastfeeding.

The first time you breastfeed

If possible, put your baby to the breast as soon as possible after delivery so they benefit from the colostrum (the milk you produce from birth) – it’s full of antibodies and nutrients that are perfect for your baby.

Making Milk for Your Baby

The milk you produce after giving birth is called colostrum – it is designed by nature especially for your baby to help them fight infection and get off to a flying start. It is thick, yellow and chock-full of protective antibodies.

There are three stages of milk production during the first week:

1st Stage Colostrum produced from birth to 3–4 days

2nd Stage Transitional milk from 3–4 days to 7+ days

3rd Stage Mature milk from 7+ days

Skin to skin

Put your naked baby (with or without nappy) against your bare chest or tummy and hold them close. Relax and enjoy your baby – you’ve been waiting for this moment. Skin-to-skin contact as soon as possible after birth is beneficial for babies, mums and dads – it is a very special feeling.

Skin to skin helps to stimulate your body’s production of breast milk and allows both parents to bond with their baby. Most hospitals encourage skin to skin and will help you do it for the first time as soon as your baby is born. It will help your Little One (I’ll refer to your baby as ‘LO’ throughout this book!) to feel comforted and secure.

Visualising holding your baby for the first time is a positive image many women use during labour to help them focus on the end result. You can go back to skin to skin over the weeks and months to come when your baby needs comforting – babies just adore it.

Trust Yourself

Dads Can Do Skin to Skin Too

Skin to skin with Mum or Dad is great. Your LO will be comforted by familiar sounds from the womb like your heartbeat and breathing, and just love the warmth and the closeness.

Breastfeeding if your baby is in a special care baby unit

Some babies, due to complications or premature birth, need extra care in a neonatal unit from dedicated hospital staff. I know how this feels: my own baby, Amy, was seven weeks premature and weighed only 2 lb 11 oz and was in the incubator for five weeks. You may feel a mixture of anxiety, hope, love, fear and anger that this is happening to you and your baby. Many women find the separation from their baby overwhelming, and naturally so. Like any new mum, taking care of yourself will help you to give your child the love and care they need. In the days, weeks and months to come, it may be you can easily put it behind you, but some mums do find the experience can be difficult to shake off. (If you find you are still feeling anxious or low about the experience you had giving birth, have a look at Chapter 4, Being a New Mum Is Life Changing).

If your baby is in an incubator or needs special care, it is still possible to breastfeed. All babies benefit from breast milk, but poorly or premature babies really do – your milk will help give your Little One the nourishment they need. It might be that you need to express your breast milk rather than feed directly from the breast (have a look at the section on expressing breast milk later in this chapter). You may only be able to express a little milk during the first few days, but that precious colostrum is going to make a big difference to your baby and it is full of antibodies. Both you and the nursing and midwifery team may feed your baby through a tube until the baby is ready to feed independently at the breast.

As soon as a newborn baby shows they are ready to suckle and are more alert you should be able to start breastfeeding your baby whilst you’re in hospital. If you’re on a separate ward or have been discharged you can leave expressed breast milk for the times you won’t be there.

It is the skin-to-skin contact that will help stimulate the milk supply and give you the opportunity to have some one-to-one time with your Little One. Enjoy those cuddles and remember, the more contact you have, the better. It’ll help you relax and become more familiar with each other, and will get your baby demanding and you supplying breast milk.

It’s likely you will be offered professional help to get you started with breastfeeding, but this is no reflection on you – breastfeeding in these circumstances is challenging. Getting the right support, whether that’s from the nursing and midwifery team, family or friends, will make a big difference – you are not alone, take it one step at a time.

How breastfeeding supports attachment between mother and baby

The touch of your skin your baby experiences during breastfeeding, the sound of your breath and heartbeat all contribute towards the development of a very strong bond between mother and child. Breastfeeding mums have to put their baby at the centre of their lives. You cannot leave your baby for long peri-ods of time if you are breastfeeding, so, without giving it much conscious thought, you will naturally be tuning in to the rhythm of your baby, instinctively putting their needs first and doing all the elementary things that help to build strong attachment. You’ll be enjoying the looks, smiles and little touches your baby only gives you whilst you’re nursing. You’ll hear their first coos and gurgles and have plenty of opportunity to talk, sing to and cuddle your baby. All of this will help your Little One to feel loved and secure, because the foundation of attachment is laid down from the earliest days of your baby’s life.

Developing your latching technique

During the first week, when the milk comes in, sometimes women experience a toe-curling sensation for the first few seconds as the baby latches on (but this won’t last much beyond the first week). This sensation varies from woman to woman – for some it’s a small sharp shock, for others it’s akin to plucking your eyebrows, and then there are those fortunate mums who don’t feel a thing.

As long as your baby is properly attached, any discomfort should last for only a few moments. If pain persists during the feed, I’d suggest talking to a health professional about latching on and positions, to find a solution that’s going to be right for you.

Start by supporting your baby’s head, shoulders, neck and back. Tilt your baby’s head back safely to bring them up towards the breast. Your baby needs to have a big open mouth and be brought up towards the nipple from underneath the breast to enable them to latch on.

You need to get the whole areola (the dark circle surrounding the nipple) or nearly all of it into the baby’s mouth to ensure good attachment. Your baby’s nose should be in line with your nipple, with their chin touching your breast, keeping the baby’s nose clear so as not to obstruct breathing.

For most women breastfeeding is a big challenge, though a very rewarding one. It is demanding both in the time it takes and in the levels of energy it uses. There will be the occasional woman who never has a day’s difficulty, but most women have issues at some point – but all problems have solutions and you’ll be so pleased you kept on going.

I always say that every day you breastfeed is a massive achievement, so just take it one day at a time. Using a relaxation technique that might have helped you in labour could help you get through those first few uncomfortable seconds. Just do what feels right for you.

Trust Yourself

Getting Your LO to Open Wide

Brush your baby’s top lip and/or cheek with your nipple. This makes them open nice and wide for the whole areola.

Trust Yourself

Keeping the Nose Free

Help to keep the nose clear from the breast by drawing your baby’s hips and bottom towards you at a slightly tilted angle. LO’s body will be in a straight line but the head is tilted up towards you so you can look into their eyes.

The Latching Technique

1 Get the baby’s body in a straight line and lift the baby up to the breast from below.

2 Line up your baby’s nose to the nipple.

3 Get as much of the dark nipple area as possible into the baby’s mouth, still keeping the nose clear.

Top three secrets of breastfeeding

The secrets of getting breastfeeding off to a flying start – remember the three Ps: Position, Patience and Perseverance.

1. Get in a comfortable position

Many babies thrash about, moving from side to side, missing the nipple completely and getting very annoyed. This is perfectly normal and no failing on your part; just be patient and keep on trying. If you watch any baby animal feeding for the first time on nature programmes, they always do this, pummelling and bumping into their mum. This is nature’s way of helping the milk let down so you produce more milk. It is supply and demand – and it can be difficult to believe just how much milk a newborn baby demands. The more the baby suckles, the more milk you will produce, and you’ll notice they often place a little hand on your breast or tap it; they are instinctively doing this to let the milk down.

Mastering the technique of breastfeeding is simply getting into the right position so your baby can swallow easily. That’s why having the baby in a straight line enables them to do this. Two positions most mothers use are the cradle and cross-cradle (using either one or two arms for support) and the side-lying position (really useful for those night-time feeds).

Positioning is really important, as if the baby sucks on the end of the nipple it becomes sore very quickly. That’s no fun for baby or mum, as they won’t get the feed they need and you will be in pain and find your levels of tiredness and frustration escalate very quickly. (If this does happen, all is not lost; later on in this chapter we’ll look at coping strategies if you experience problems, allowing you time to heal, give the baby their feed, and get things back on track. You can also look up problems quickly in the A–Z section.)

Trust Yourself

Get Comfy

Feeding takes time, so make the most of it. Get yourself set up with a drink, a snack, the remote control, and your phone or an eBook all within reach. Place one comfy cushion behind your back, and a cushion to support the baby as well if you want to, and put your feet up – when else will you get the chance!

Happy Baby Breastfeeding Positions

Cradle or cross-cradle Place the baby’s head in the crook of the supporting arm and hold the baby across your body with either the same arm or both arms.

Side-lying Support the baby’s head in the crook of the arm on your side, resting the baby’s body against your upper body.

Trust Yourself

Avoid Sore Nipples

It can feel like a bit of an extra faff, but using a nipple gel helps to keep your in-demand nipples supple and stops soreness – prevention is better than cure!

2. Be patient; it takes time

Nearly all babies (and many mums) have some frustration when starting to feed. Women are often disappointed or reproach themselves if they don’t take to breastfeeding instantly, and think they are doing something wrong. I’ve heard many a woman say, ‘They never said it was going to be difficult in the antenatal classes. What am I doing wrong?’ You are doing nothing wrong, you are giving your all, and the fact you are breastfeeding is amazing. Focus on getting yourself something to eat, a wash and your head down for a nap when you can, because there won’t be time for anything else in the early days. If you’d never used a computer or played an instrument, no one would expect you to do it perfectly on the first day, not even in the first week.

Also let’s not forget your body has just done some-thing miraculous – you’ve given birth! You’re tired and life is never going to be the same again – emotions run high – one minute you’ll feel on top of the world and the next you can feel like you want to run in the bathroom and lock the door for 5 minutes’ peace. Staying calm, taking a deep breath and taking your time to get into the right position are what’s needed.

You both need support and the opportunity to get used to feeding, and in the early days it takes a lot of concentration and energy. I’ve known women who’ve needed complete silence and have banned the television being on whilst learning to breastfeed, or others who have needed the TV or radio on to distract them and help pass the time. Some women find at first they can only feed in bed and don’t want lots of clothes getting in the way; others like to rest the baby on a pillow in their laps; some want to be lying down – just do whatever feels right for you.