‘Manners maketh man.’ This was the title of an essay I was given by Mr Lloyd-Jones in the final year of primary school. It would not be an uncommon question to ask why an 11-year-old boy was given such a tough academic task. It was certainly not because I was an intellectual marvel. The truth is much more prosaic. I had stuck two fingers up to the retreating back of the football teacher for picking Paul Parberry instead of the goal machine who was Melanie Ashley. Unfortunately, I was spotted by the terrifying giant Lloyd-Jones. Watching someone being punished by the Head of Balsa Wood Creativity was great sport as we marvelled at his ability to pick up a boy (never a perfect girl of course) with his left arm, tuck him under his left armpit so that both gluteal muscles were in the optimal position for the bear’s paw that was stuck on to his right arm. I would have preferred this punishment: I had received it once and had found that as soon as you became desensitized to the tingling that moved in waves from your bottom to your toes it wasn’t too bad. But this punishment…this was serious. How on earth was I going to do this in the 24 hours I had been given?

I admit that it was the fear of what Lloyd-Jones would do to me the next day that led me to admit my crime to my mum in a halting, pathetic voice that evening. Instead of the wind-tunnel of noise which I expected, my mum listened quietly to my story. She said that my demonstration in disagreeing with the selection had indeed been wholly inappropriate and that she would have to tell my dad when he arrived home. In the meantime I was not allowed out, given extra chores and told not to worry about the essay. The next morning, at breakfast, my dad handed me eight full sheets of writing. Each sheet was covered in beautifully crafted words, many of which I had never read in any Enid Blyton book. This is what I handed to Mr Lloyd-Jones. He asked me had I written this: I said no I hadn’t. He accepted this statement without further comment. I found out much later in life that he had greatly admired the fact that, as a family, we had sorted out my problem.

It is an incident which is etched into my memory and has formed a basis for my approach in education and latterly in my parenting. It is an incident that brings together three important qualities: Trust, Honesty and Respect. These are traditional values which form a skeleton on which we can build a body of parenting skills. Ms Palmano’s book helps us all, as parents, to focus on how we can assemble a positive relationship with our children based on good common-sense. It’s also pretty useful for Headmasters!

Gregg Davies

Headmaster

Shiplake College

Henley-on-Thames

Enjoy (at least try to)

Just as I wanted to have well-behaved, polite children I could take out without running the risk of psychological help, I didn’t want confrontations, slamming doors, arguments and having to constantly apologize for their behaviour as teenagers. I like a sense of calm in our home and I wanted them to be charming and good company, not the stereotypical teenagers that are constantly maligned and sidelined as some sort of curious species to be constantly criticized, poked fun at and a constant source of amusement and derision.

And so many parents seem quite resigned to the fact that their own teenager’s opinions, sense of style, choice of friends, time-keeping and responsibilities is all part of a huge conspiratorial wind-up to test them to the limit.

Well, the good news is our children’s teenage years need not be a time of endless arguments, belligerence and aggression.

Your child’s transition from child to teenager should be welcomed and not dreaded as though you are about to make a pact with the devil and nurture a werewolf (although at times it may feel like that). Your children are reaching their final development stage, from that gorgeous little baby to who they are now with their own opinions and ideas. From the age of thirteen to eighteen you should delight in watching their ideas and thoughts mature. How your sixteen year old views the world, a totally different world to the one you knew at that age, is stimulating and even inspiring. Now’s the time you hear of their hopes for their future, from the thirteen year old determined to be a pop diva to the same child five years later who wants to go into medicine; this is a fantastic time.

The child who has reached the start of puberty is not some sort of alien but your beautiful little baby, who you sat up with all night and happily let vomit all over you. (And yes, this may well happen again but it probably won’t be milk!)

Their teenage behaviour is a barometer of how we dealt with them as children and how we deal with them now. So, always remember we only get the teenagers we deserve.

These final years will fly by (apart from on a few occasions) and soon your children will be gone – either to university, travelling, or out to work – and by then they have virtually left home. My daughter is now at university and sometimes I just go and throw wet towels on her bedroom floor to make it seem more like home.

So on the eve of your child’s thirteenth birthday when you kiss them goodnight, remembering what a darling child they have been and wondering what tomorrow and the next seven years will hold, don’t worry, relax, you can all enjoy it. Although admittedly some times will be more enjoyable than others!

One Turning Point

Teenagers are half adult and half child and the needs of both must be met, regardless of the fact that they think they are fully adult and you are simply there to fill their every need, as chauffeur, bank, clothing and music sponsor.

Three factors which affect teenage behaviour are puberty, the struggle for independence and their under-developed prefrontal cortex (part of their brain). Any of these on their own could cause problems but the three together makes a potent cocktail which needs to be handled with care. Throw in to the boiling cauldron peer pressure, exams and new relationships and you may start to understand why they feel frustrated, angry, moody and unreasonable.

puberty

Puberty brings with it raging hormones, and anyone who has ever experienced bad PMT will know what hormones can do (even men experience it because they are usually on the receiving end!). Irritability, aggression, irrationality and even depression are all symptoms of fluctuating hormones. So try and empathize with their feelings, imagine

‘Go out with my friend tonight? Why no. mother. I’d much rather sit here and agree with you.’

PMT with serious attitude and suddenly you’ll know how they’re feeling.

independence

When children become teenagers they enter another development stage of battling for their independence. It’s the final push to wean themselves off you and at times this can be very painful for parents. For the past twelve years they wanted to be with you, now they want to be on their own or with their friends. The key is to give teenagers more control over their own lives and a wider freedom of choice, while remaining supportive, reassuring, loving and still having boundaries in place.

the teenage brain

Now, in contrast to many parents’ popular belief, teenagers do actually have brains, it’s just that they don’t function like an adult’s and that’s not out of our children’s choice.

In the last ten years, neuroscientists have come up with some extremely interesting results which may go a long way towards explaining partly why our teenagers behave the way they do. For most of the past century, it has been assumed that the brain was fully mature by the time a child reached puberty and that teenage angst was caused by their need to assert their independence and fluctuating hormones.

Not unlike our adolescents’ changing body shape, different regions of the brain mature at different times and the prefrontal cortex, which has been likened to the brain police, does not fully develop until early twenties. This region of the brain checks all the information coming from other parts of the brain before releasing it. For instance, we might read something which will arouse a murderous rage in us, but the prefrontal cortex will come along and tell that part of the brain to ‘quieten down’.

As Karl Pibrab, the director of Brain Research and Informational Sciences at Radford University in Virginia, puts it, ‘The prefrontal cortex is the seat of civilization.’

So until the prefrontal cortex is fully developed, most teenagers don’t have the ability to make good judgements, control their emotions, prioritize, or multi-task, as in make the right decision between watching TV, ringing a friend, doing a chore they’ve been asked to do or finishing their homework. This means that they do not intentionally do the wrong thing just to wind parents up. As Richard Restak, a neuropsychiatrist and author of The Secret Life of the Brain said, ‘The teenage brain is a work in progress that we’re only beginning to understand.’ (So what chance do we have?!)

Work by Marvin Zuckerman, a professor of psychology, has found that new experiences, especially those with an element of risk, tap into a part of the teenager’s brain which links with emotional centres that produce feelings of intense pleasure. Add to that the research which shows that during adolescence, the temporary decline in the production of serotonin in their brain will probably make

‘It’s not my fault I haven’t done my English, washed up or let the dog out – it’s my under-developed prefrontal cortex!’

them act more impulsively, and you may begin to realize why our adolescents might still jump into a car with a friend who’s had a drink despite our warnings.

Finally, findings of Francine Benes, a neuroscientist, show that one of the last developments of the adult brain is the nerve coating called myelin, which acts like the insulation on an electric cord, allowing electrical impulses to travel down a nerve quicker and more efficiently. That is why a toddler is less co-ordinated than a ten year old. But this process may not be complete until their early twenties. Some of these nerves that become sheathed during adolescence connect regions of the brain that control emotion, judgement and impulse control. This happens earlier in girls than boys, which probably explains why girls are more emotionally mature than boys, whose myelin levels may not reach the same level until the age of thirty. (Thirty? Surely scientists mean seventy!)

Healthy Sources of Stimulation

Trying new experiences is a normal and healthy part of growing up, and as parents we need to try and encourage fairly safe sources of stimulation. Where one child may find it in a drama production at school, another will prefer the excitement of a BMX trick bike, and some children will be lucky enough to go skiing, or diving. Unfortunately, many children don’t have the option or encouragement to find a sport or interest to stimulate them, and resort to crime or drugs.

So try and encourage your teenagers to take up new interests if they don’t already have any.

The good news is that if all this scientific research is proven over a length of time, even very troubled teenagers can still learn good judgement and restraint.

Anyway, even if all this scientific research is absolutely correct, it’s best we don’t let our teenagers know, otherwise every time we ask them why they haven’t done their homework or cleared the dishes, they’ll reply, ‘But it’s not my fault, mum, it’s my under-developed prefrontal cortex!’

Where does it all go wrong?

No teenagers are perfect, and to be honest if you had a fifteen-year-old daughter who sat at home every evening wearing the sensible clothes you had chosen, never rang or went out with her friends, agreed with your every opinion, never experimented with her hair and make-up, only listened to your music and kept her room perfect, would you be deliriously happy or seriously worried? Believe me, you should be seriously worried.

Adolescents are at the crossroads between being an adult and a child and it is highly frustrating for them (and you). It is a time when they realize they can be independent from their parents yet still need their guidance, love and support, not that they’ll ever consciously accept that fact. All teenagers want to be adults but don’t have the maturity to master adult behaviour. They will often act childishly yet take umbrage if treated like one. And teenagers positively luxuriate in a world of non-responsibility; they can sit in front of a TV all day without a care in the world, make themselves sandwiches and leave the bread, filling and plates all over the kitchen.

Adolescence is a time of experimentation, and difficulties arise when parents lose the balance between allowing their teenagers to experience their new independence whilst still setting boundaries.

Trusting your teenagers is the key to their self-respect and respect of you. Most conflicts between parents and teenagers will stem from small, simple matters, such as getting in late, school work, untidy bedrooms and not helping around the house; all issues which can be settled with negotiation and compromise. Teenagers only rebel when they have something to rebel against.

Parents simply cannot parent teenagers the same way they necessarily parented them as children; their behaviour must change if they want to change their teenager’s behaviour.

For the past twelve years parents have guided and nurtured their children and now they have to step back in some areas. Although we are still there for love and support we must let our children learn new life skills, so we have to stop being over-protective or over-guiding in coping with every day problems. But teenagers still need boundaries as adolescence is a very confusing time and knowing their limits is comforting, although they may well occasionally cross them. Teenagers who are not given boundaries will be unhappy and feel depressed, although outwardly they would argue otherwise.

Many parents find it difficult to understand that, just because their adolescents choose to spend more time with their friends than they do with their family, they don’t love them any less. They will love and respect us far more for accepting they are now independent of constant parental supervision and given more responsibility to prove it. Parents also find it difficult to adjust to the emotional distance some teenagers put between them, but again this is not because their love for their parents has changed, they are in their own way weaning themselves off us. Teenagers still seek their parents’ approval and if parents are constantly criticizing them they will seek approval elsewhere. Adolescents will not turn to parents who constantly say, ‘No,’ routinely judge, order, criticize or are not open to negotiation.

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Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers

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