Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence

Fear. The Need and Strategies for Satisfying

The need that fear speaks of is security. Let’s see what security is.

 
Security is a feeling that you are able to cope
with any situation, which will appear in future,
that you have all possible resources.
 

If the level of satisfaction of the need for security is high you feel calm in any situation of uncertainty, i.e. you have so much control over your body, mind and feelings that you don’t care what the next moment will be, you probably know that you will act in the best way. Of course, there is a share of fear in such a life, but it does not work as something that stops, but as an interesting, exciting, tickling feeling that makes life more spicy.

A person who lives in contact with himself, does what he loves, eventually comes to a point where he trusts himself and the world so much that he is ready not to control and spontaneously express himself in even an uncertain moment. But this is only possible with very clear goals and full self-awareness, because there is no control without awareness. Otherwise, it will go with the stream in the bad sense of this word – it doesn’t matter for you where to swim, you are neither good nor bad anywhere, life has no taste and there is no quality of life. A good sense of this phrase is to be in a stream, i.e. know what you want, use the current moments to move to the desired.

Let’s talk about those for whom the need for security is leading and very important, because there are people who give up on security.

Ways of satisfying the need for security:

• Little security

With this model of behavior, a person lives his life and avoids any danger. However, any development, any way out of the comfort zone is always associated with danger. Desiring to maintain a small safety zone, a person limits himself in development, and, accordingly, in pleasure, in achievements. Over time, such a life leads to the fact that you have a feeling of resentment at other people, at life, at yourself, it is quite possible that a person will feel some guilt. Thus, the quality of life begins to decline.

For example, you wanted to be an actor, you have the ability to do this, and the theater department is located next to the house. But there are disturbing thoughts: “Oh, everything is so uncertain there. Only a few people can feed themselves by this profession. But an accountant is an understandable, terrestrial activity. I’d better go there and I will definitely know that every month I will have some money for bread and milk.” This is that little security that you create for yourself, while limiting yourself in the quality of life, in development and pleasure.

The main fear is to remain completely without resources, not to come up to the expectations of significant people.

When your life passes in dissatisfaction, when work does not bring joy, when income is modest (you have money for bread and milk, but you can’t go somewhere to rest, you can’t afford some quality thing), you begin to shift responsibility to someone from the outside or to eat yourself from the inside: “Why I didn’t do it then, now it’s too late”. Most often it is a phobic model of behavior.

• Surrender security

Subconsciously, in such a model of behavior, a person declares: “I do not need security.” He looks outwardly fearless, he is constantly poking his nose and provoking various situations. For example, he may leave for another country without knowing anything about it, without a plan on how he will work and where he will live. In other words he creates deliberately unsafe conditions. Their main fear is the creation of long-term relationships. Strong, loyal connections and self-confidence are a real challenge for such people.

When you do not trust yourself, you yourself do not know what you want tomorrow, you avoid any responsibility and decisions. Faithful relationships become unsafe because they are weighed down by certain expectations.

Such people are prone to inconstancy, are in fear of being unfaithful and unreliable. With such a position in life, the most terrible word is always.

Of course, everyone understands that we cannot guarantee at least something forever. There are very few things in the world about which we can say “this is forever.” But the very intention of “forever” is very important in business and in personal relationships. But for people who are characterized by a state of anxiety and distrust of themselves, this “forever” seems impossible: “How can I guarantee you anything? Don’t trust me much, for me it’s too big a burden.”

With time, such a life leads to the fact that all relationships, both professional and personal, become like a strange dance “one step forward, two steps back”. Forward – closer relations, back – estrangement. There is no certainty in development either, such people try a lot of new things, learn a lot, but constantly depreciate their own experience, starting from point zero again and again. Most often, this is a counter-phobic model of behavior.

• Depreciate security, depreciate resources

In such a model of behavior, a person, having no resources, claims that he does not need them. For example, if a person does not have money to go abroad to relax with his family, he will say: “Why do we go abroad, nobody needs it, there is nothing to do there, I don’t like this type of vacation,” if he does not have the necessary things for a comfortable camping trip (tents, sleeping bags), he will go to the forest with one knife “Because I am an adrenaline type”, if someone builds a house, he immediately begins to condemn, etc.

In conversations, in the behavior of such a person, denial of his values will always be traced. A whole life strategy is taking shape: to depreciate those goals that you cannot achieve because you have neither material resources, nor internal.

The main fear is to see your failure.

With time, such a life leads to the fact that everyone ceases to take such a person seriously, avoids together activities, and close people cope with all things, including development, on their own. This is also a counter-phobic behavior, but with a different connotation.

• Accumulation

Because the uncertainty is terrible, it’s not safe to not know what will happen tomorrow, not to know how everything is arranged. So the value of information and knowledge is very high for all people with a leading need for security.

But there are people who ensure their safety in this way: they are protected from the outside world and collect information about everything until they consider its quantity sufficient to reach the world and people. They often send themselves to isolation and loneliness. As a rule, these are very erudite people, well-read and educated. Often they are not adapted to an ordinary, simple life, but have a large amount of knowledge. Well, if there is a person who can use their mind in practice, but in the worst case, such behavior leads to an encyclopedic life detached from the real world.

The main fear is to be unprepared, not to know, to be stupid.

With time, such a life leads to the fact that… a person limits himself in spontaneous actions to a narrow circle of people and defends himself from the world with pronounced intellectual arrogance.

Could there be a mixture of traits of each behavioral model? Of course, we described the extreme expressions, more often there is a tendency to a greater extent to one of these strategies, while others manifest themselves from case to case. For example, a person can usually move bravely towards fear, but can sometimes be scared.

Fear. A Healthy Way of Processing

Each emotion carries information about our current state and has unique energy. If you use the energy of emotion in order to get what you want, to move towards your goals, which you accept at the level of consciousness, then emotion performs its true function.

What is the energy in the emotion of fear? Even if we realized why it appeared, our body is filled with energy. The question arises: where can we use it? We must understand why our body is straining and mobilizing in fear, because the main idea of this state is not to immobilize us and make us ill. We usually freeze when we misuse this energy.

Adrenaline is responsible for fear at the hormonal level. Inside the body, this hormone works very interestingly. At the first stage of the release of the hormone, the blood rushes to the head: the pupils dilate, the eyebrows rise, some people may have a red face or spots on the neck. This moment lasts a split second, the body feeds the brain as much as possible in order to instantly decide at the moment of danger how to proceed. But very often in the modern world in a general atmosphere of security, a person experiences fear and is not aware of the danger that the subconscious mind perceives as a threat and, accordingly, cannot decide “What should I do next?” and take the necessary actions.

At the second stage of the action of the hormone, the blood goes to the extremities, because cannot stay in the head for a long time. At this moment, a very strong flow of blood strikes from top to bottom, as if the body was poured with a bucket of cold water, heaviness is felt in the pelvic area, knees become weak. Such a feeling is usually described as “my heart is in my throat right now” or “I am shit scared.” When the blood was in the head, it was necessary to make a decision, and then, when it goes into the body, the head is no longer able to make decisions and think, you must follow the decision that you have already made. When all the energy sinks into the body, the muscles become tense, the body says: “I am ready, let’s act!” They often say “if you don’t know what to do, do at least something” and this is true. In such situations, it’s worth doing at least something not to get stuck, your body muscles are ready for focused actions.

It is important to ask yourself for:

 
What can I do useful right now?
What steps can I take to achieve my goal?
 

Therefore, it is important to have these goals. When you begin to act, you spend your mobilized body, you spend your internal resources in the direction of your goals; otherwise they are simply burned at the hormonal level inside you and bring discomfort.

So, a healthy strategy of processing fear:

Step 1. We notice the expression of fear at a low intensity

As soon as the shoulders tightened, and tension appeared in the stomach, we immediately say to ourselves:

 
I have started to worry now, what am I afraid of?
 

It is necessary to list all the possible dangers that come to your mind.

Step 2. Explore which of these fears are real

We remove all unrealistic fears that are wound up by our mind and cannot happen, we leave only what really can happen.

 
How real are these dangers?
What is the percentage of probability
that this is exactly what will happen?
 

Fear is often inadequate to the current situation, but it is an echo of some system dynamics or some previous experience. We must check the correspondence to the current moment. If you usually discover a real fear that concerns what is happening to you right now, the body begins to relax. After all, emotions are lights which task is to warn. And when the emotion does its work, it begins to leave. That is why it is said that awareness of emotions in the current moment is one of the first steps to manage your state. It is often enough to take only this step.

Step 3. We make a resource calculation

 
How many resources do I have now
in order to cope with this situation?
 

Resources are material and immaterial, internal and external. The amount of material resources affects our psychological state.

For example, I need to move to another city, I worry about how to do this. We calculate the resources:

• I have a car

• I have some petrol

• I know the way

• who can I ask for helping me to load heavy things? Will I find these people among friends or hire anyone for money?

If you calculated resources, made a plan, pulled up additional necessary resources, for example, support for loved ones, missing information, then you calm down and begin to treat the situation as a current task. When we set a goal and calculate the steps towards this goal, a sensation of a certain future appears and, accordingly, our peace of mind and confidence grow.

Step 4. Release tension

To release tension, you need to use the body. Hard physical work is great, especially if you need it now. For example, things for moving can be packaged right now, loaded. After the muscles of the body have worked, they naturally tend to relax. Dig something or lay a brick, do cleaning in the house.

If there is no hard work at hand, just offer yourself some physical exercises. For example, make your hands into fists, tense shoulders, abs, and then release this state sharp, relax (such an exercise is recommended even before a public speech). Another great exercise is a plank for at least a minute. After such exercises, relaxation and pleasure come. In this way, we help our body to process fear.

Step 5. Set strategic goals

 
What do I want in a long-term prospective?
 

In the example of moving, we should not think about the move itself, but about more distant future, about what it is associated with this moving. It can be housing, professional or personal questions, and goals should be set according to these questions.

 
You should have a prospective goal which will
connect not only with the search for security
but will also give some development and, in the end,
more calmness in your life.
 

If we looked into the future and set a strategic goal, it means we coped with our fears in a quality manner.

If strategic goals are set in a state of fear, self-deception will occur. In a state of fear, we are not able to focus on the future. So the first step to take is to get rid of fear. In this case it is necessary to create a more secure environment:

• make a plan;

• gather all necessary resources;

• give your body a good workout;

• set future goals in the calm state.

In the next situation, in which you will experience anxiety or fear, the long-term goal that you set will create a sense of direction and the feeling that you are managing your life, this will be your guideline.

If you act this way gradually and constantly, your future will become predicted for you and created personally by you.

Fear. Release

If a person often experiences fear, anxiety, doubts, the first thing to do is use to our strategy, which we have described.

We are scared when we believe that we lack resources, when we feel small, poor, unable to cope with the situation, with life. The more often we prove to ourselves that we are able to manage the situation and achieve goals, the more intensively we turn from a small and poor little man, first into a normal one, and then into a champion for ourselves, because we have objective results.

 
Release from fear is possible only through
another need – a need for respect
 

If we do not set goals, and everything happens by itself in our life, we cannot estimate the result of our activity and life in general.

We cannot independently estimate ourselves, we need feedback from the outside world. And now the outside world evaluates us and reports: “Look, you’re good at this field, and you have done it perfectly, this is great,” but you cannot understand whether this is your result or not, because you didn’t set such goals.

 
We need goals to cultivate self-respect
 

Setting a goal, taking some steps towards it and achieving a result will lead to a large number of accumulated results and, of course, to self-confidence. You will have confirmation that you can, that you have resources, skills, abilities. But in this whole story, you need results.

People who focus only on the process do everything in their life with pleasure, but they have no self-respect, because there is no result of this activity. The feeling of respect “I can” creates security from the inside.

Fear. How to Help others?

If there is a person near who is in a state of anxiety or fear, the first thing we can do to help is to talk with him, so that he speaks out loud all his fears, feelings. We should draw his attention to the body and its condition gently. Ask some questions:

 
In relation to what things do you have such a state now?
What exactly are you most afraid of?
 

When a person lists everything that worries him, he gradually begins to free himself from all these fears. At the same time, when you ask questions, he receives emotional support from you, and support is also a resource that satisfies the need for security. There is a feeling that he is not alone in coping with this situation, but as if we are doing it together. It also relaxes.

After a person has realized his fears, you can ask questions that are listed in the strategy for yourself:

 
How real are these dangers?
What do you need to overcome this danger?
What resources do you have?
Where can you take resources that you don’t have?
 

You can help a person to make a plan where to get the necessary resources. And then it would be great to turn on the body: go for a walk or run, do some work in the garden together, change the position of the body to move actively. After some body activity, a person will definitely calm down.

When a person calms down, ask him the following questions:

 
What do you want in the distant future?
What do you really want?
In what way will be the problem
solved in 3—5 years?
 

It will allow you to start dreaming in the direction of your desired future. And if he is ready, he will be able to set real goals, the achievement of which will have criteria.

Fear. Security and Responsibility

We must always remember that fear mobilizes us, i.e. takes out all our resources, collects them so that we use them. Our responsibility is to determine life goals, the direction of development to know how to use all our forces and mobilized resources and what steps we should take.

Responsibility is a complex feeling that contains an emotion of fear. If there were no fear, we could not take decisive actions in any other way. Thanks our fears for that.

Having goals in life, of course, does not preclude the presence of fear. When scared, you are active and keep your eyes clean in search of this danger, you know where you need to throw all your strength. In this state, you can cope with any situation. If you use fear in the right direction and to the right degree – this is a successful action strategy.

If there is only fear, and there are no desired goals, then we have danger and nothing more. And wherever we go, this danger is always with us, even when we move away from it, we only see it. Is it possible to calm down with only danger in front of my eyes? It’s impossible. The quality of life will be very low, you will only move from danger to danger, because your mind is tuned to it. Why are we talking about the importance of setting goals to deal with fears?

 
Goal setting is a conscious redirection of attention
by the effort of the will to the regime of the goal,
not a danger
 

And then a part of the fears leaves us, because we begin to move to the goal. A person who knows how to manage his attention controls his life.

This is deliberate work: tear off, peel off, unhook the inner gaze from danger, move it to the zone of the desired result and attach, glue, pin it there. And you begin to move there – to the desired and pleasant with ease and joy. And if suddenly some danger nevertheless arises in the way of your movement, your fear will be enough to activate forces at the right moment and put them all to achieve goals.

On the last day before passing the exam you suddenly have so much strength! Three days ago, you were not capable of such absorption of information, i.e. it is fear that makes you mobilize and prepare as well as possible in a very short period of time.

At work, when you do what you did not do before, it happens in a similar way. It is fear that activates you, pushes you to search of information, new strategies, opportunities, your abilities. And you want to do all this in order to achieve your goal. You get it naturally, because your interest lies in this plane. Fear and desire work together. Therefore, fear is a very useful emotion. If someone says: “I want to get rid of my fear,” he does not understand what he is signing up for.

 
The most important condition for freeing
yourself from fear is setting goals and keeping your
internal focus on the desired result
 

If your inner view is focused on the search for dangers, you will not see your goals by yourself, this is only conscious work.