Starport

CHAPTER TWO

WHAT DID

HE EXPECT ME

TO DO, FLAP MY

ARMS AND

THINK ABOUT

CHRISTMAS?

YOU ASK

ME, MONDRAGON’S

HAD A BUG UP HIS

BUTT EVER SINCE HE

MADE SERGEANT. HE’S

LIKE ME. A MAN OF

ACTION CAN’T BE

HAPPY BEHIND

A DESK.

A MAN OF

ACTION?

DON’T GIVE

ME THAT LOOK,

PARK. YEAH, OKAY, I’M

NOT INTO YOUR

KUNG-FU...

...BUT I’M

STILL WHO

I AM, YA

KNOW?

HAPKIDO.

A MAN OF

ACTION.

DAMN

STRAIGHT!

HEY,

MORELLO.

THERE HE IS!

HELP!

THIEF!

LEGGO!

HEY,

HOLD IT!

GET

DOWN

HERE! I’M

WARNING YOU,

I SWEAR…

HAHA

HAH!

SKREEEE!

HAHA

HAH!

SKREEEE!

I TOLD

YOU, LITTLE FILTH

MONKEY...

HISSSSS!

...TO

GET DOWN HERE!

HAHAHA

HAHAHAHA

HAHAHA!

ARE YOU

ALL RIGHT,

MA’AM?

HE...

IT...

I SAW.

CAN I

HAVE MY

PURSE BACK

NOW?

THAT’S IT! I’LL SHOOT ITS WINGS OFF NEXT TIME, I SWEAR!

I WAS FOUR YEARS,

TWO MONTHS, AND FIVE

DAYS FROM MY PENSION WHEN

I MET MY FIRST ALIEN. REMEMBER,

BOBBI, WHEN THE MUNCHKINS LANDED

AND THEY ANNOUNCED HOW THEY’D

BEEN WATCHING US FOR NEARLY SIXTY

YEARS, WAITING? AND THE DELAYS

TRYING TO OPEN A STARPORT HERE?

WHAT WAS IT, FIVE YEARS OF

ANTICIPATION BEFORE THEY EVEN

SET FOOT ON AMERICAN SOIL?

ENDLESS CONGRESSIONAL MEETINGS,

TREATIES, AND RED TAPE OUT

THE ASS. THE TUNNEL COLLAPSE,

THE RIOTS IN NEW YORK.

ENDLESS.

POINT IS, THEY

TOOK SIX DECADES

TO COME KNOCKING ON

OUR DOOR, AND ONE MORE

BEFORE KNOCKING ON MINE,

SO DON’T YOU THINK THEY COULD

HAVE WAITED A BIT LONGER? MAYBE

LET ME GET ON WITH MY DAMNED

RETIREMENT BEFORE I BECAME

BEHOLDEN TO SOME PINK

FROG-FACED ASSHAT WHO

INSISTS ON BEING

ADDRESSED AS

"TOPMAN"?

AND WHY HERE,

KELLEHER? WHY ME?

WHY MY CITY?

DON’T WORRY,

CAPTAIN, YOU STILL

GET TO RETIRE. THE

TOPMAN HAS SENT A

SKIMMER. IT SHOULD

BE OUTSIDE RIGHT

NOW.

THAT’S ALL

I NEED. IF GOD HAD

MEANT CARS TO FLY, HE

WOULDN’T HAVE GIVEN

THEM WHEELS.

I SPENT MY

WHOLE LIFE ON

THE FORCE, BOBBI.

UNTIL THE STARPORT

OPENED, I FIGURED I’D

SEEN JUST ABOUT

EVERYTHING...

BUT...HE

LOOKS LIKE A

COCKROACH.

WHO?

THE SKRIT

TRADE ENVOY.

HE’S FIVE FEET THREE

INCHES TALL, ONLY HE’S

A COCKROACH. KAFKA

WOULD BE PROUD, BUT

IT CREEPS ME RIGHT

THE FUCK OUT.

WITH 314

OTHER SPECIES

IN THE HARMONY, IT

FIGURES THAT SOME OF

THEM MIGHT BE

INSECTS...

THE MAYOR

IS GOING TO GIVE

HIM A KEY TO THE CITY.

HE’LL PROBABLY SHAKE

HANDS WITH HIM. CAN

COCKROACHES SHAKE

HANDS?

DO

COCKROACHES

EVEN HAVE HANDS?

MAYOR DALEY

WOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN A COCKROACH THE KEY TO THE CITY!

WELL...

MAYBE IF IT WAS A

DEMOCRAT?

IF THERE’S

NO DRIVER, I’M NOT

GETTING IN.

C’MON,

CAPTAIN.

THE TOPMAN’S

EXPECTING

US.

WOULD YOU

ENJOY TO HEAR

LISTEN ATTEND TO

MUSIC TUNE

MELODY?

NO. NO,

WE’RE FINE.

POSSIBLY

PREFER TALK

CONVERSE

SHARE-VIEWS?

SHOULDN’T

YOU WATCH WHERE

YOU’RE FLYING?

BUT, OF

INTERESTING

ARE YOU...

NOT

NECESSARY VITAL

IMPORTANT, OF

FLIGHT ACHIEVEMENT

DESTINATION,

PARAMETERS

FUNCTION WORKING

TOP TIPS.

JUST

HUMOR US,

OKAY?

AHHHH!

HUMOR

FUNNY HA-HA.

HOKAY!

SPECIES 26,

91, AND 214

WALK INTO TAVERN

SALOON BAR.

SALOON

TENDER PROPRIETOR

SPEAKS REMARKS,

SAYING...

DID YOUR

SPORE FALL FROM

ITS BRANCH BEFORE

SUN’S ZENITH? YES!

ENJOYMENT!

THE POLICE

ARE HERE!

STEP ASIDE,

PLEASE. MOVE

ASIDE.

WHAT’S THE

PROBLEM?

WHAT THE

HELL TOOK YOU

SO LONG?

THE POLICE...

THANK YOU,

JESUS!

UH-OH.

ANGELS.

WORSE.

MAROON

CADRE.

DO YOU

CHAMPION THESE

THIEVES?

UH, YES.

WE DO. WHAT

SEEMS TO BE THE

PROBLEM?

SHE’S

CRAZY!

SHE PULLED

THAT LASER KNIFE

THINGY ON MY

HUSBAND, THEN

TRIED TO TAKE

OUR PHONE!

STILL YOUR

TONGUE, HUMAN...

OR DIE BESIDE

YOUR MATE!

YOU HEARD

HER. ARREST

THEM!

HOW

DARE

THEY?

EARTH

FIRST!

CAREFUL,

SHE’S GOT ONE

OF THEM SWORD-

STICKS!

SETTLE DOWN,

ROOKIE. NOW, DO

ME A FAVOR AND

HANDLE THE

CROWD.

WILL

EVERYBODY

JUST SHUT UP AND

CALM DOWN FOR

A MOMENT?

HI THERE,

SIR. I’M OFFICER

ERNIE MANNING. MAY

I SEE YOUR PHONE,

PLEASE?

VERY NICE.

WHERE YOU FOLKS

FROM?

I...IOWA.

WE’RE ON

VACATION...

AND HOW

CLOSE DID YOU

GET WHILE TAKING

PICTURES OF

THEM?

I...THEY’RE

SO TALL AND

COLORFUL! AND

WE’VE NEVER

SEEN...

ALIENS

BEFORE.

NO.

AH.

THERE

IT IS.

LOOKS LIKE YOU FOLKS

DIDN’T GET THROUGH YOUR

NEW-SPECIES-INTERACTION

PAMPHLET AT THE AIRPORT, HUH?

MISSED THE BIT ABOUT HOW

SERIOUSLY THESE GUYS

TAKE THEIR PERSONAL

SPACE?

DO YOU

MIND IF I ERASE

YOUR PHOTOS AND

TURN OFF YOUR

PHONE, SIR?

YES! YES, OF COURSE! WHATEVER YOU NEED, OFFICER.

THERE, I’VE

ERASED ALL

THE IMAGES. THEY

ARE TOTALLY

IRRETRIEVABLE.

IS HONOR

SATISFIED?

NO. THE

THEFT IS UNDONE,

YET THE INSULT

STILL STANDS.

TELL THE

NICE LADY

YOU’RE SORRY.

I DIDN’T...

THESE ARE

NHAR, SIR. ANGELS.

IF YOU HAD READ

YOUR PAMPHLET,

YOU’D KNOW THAT BY

STEPPING INTO HER

PATH AND TAKING THAT

UNFLATTERING PHOTO,

YOU’VE INADVERTENTLY

STOLEN HER SPACE

AND “BESMIRCHED”

HER IMAGE.

I DIDN’T

KNOW! I DIDN’T

MEAN TO...I’M SORRY!

SO SORRY. I’LL READ

THE PAMPHLET AT

THE HOTEL. I

PROMISE!

YOU HEARD

HIM. HE DIDN’T MEAN

ANYTHING. HE’S SORRY.

AND HE’S NOT EVEN

ARMED. LOOK

AT HIM!

THIS APOLOGY

IS A POOR THING,

AND YET I WILL

HEAR IT.

BUT,

SHOULD IT

HAPPEN

AGAIN...

NAH-TO!

TREASURE

THIS LESSON AS

A GIFT FROM DAHRYS

NHAR-KQL, ARYANNE OF

THE MAROON CADRE

OF THE CHILDREN OF

THE ENDLESS

NIGHT.

PAY THE

HUMAN FOR HIS PITIFUL

COMMUNICATION

DEVICE.

WHAT

WAS THAT ALL

ABOUT?

GET USED

TO IT, ROOKIE.

BEING A COP IN

CHICAGO ISN’T

WHAT IT USED

TO BE.

BUT...SIR, I DON’T

THINK THAT’S ENOUGH

TO COVER MY PHONE.

IT WAS BRAND-NEW,

AND ON A PAYMENT

PLAN...

SO WHO’S

GOING TO PAY

FOR THE

REST?

SEND THE

BILL TO THE TOPMAN,

CARE OF STARPORT

CHICAGO.

OK. WHICH ONE

OF YOU DOUCHEBAGS

KILLED DETECTIVE

BAKER AND STOLE

HIS GUN?

HERE!

I MEAN, I’M

BAKER. I DIDN’T

KILL ANYONE!

SO HOW COME YOU’RE

COVERED WITH

BLOOD?

HUH. THAT’S

WHAT THEY

ALL SAY.

IT’S

FRUIT

JUICE.

THEY RAN

A MAKE ON YOUR

GUN. IMAGINE THE

HORROR WHEN IT

TURNED OUT TO BE

ONE OF OURS...

YO, LIVINGSTONE,

BETTER UNLOCK MY

PARTNER, HERE. LET’S

SEE IF MAYBE I CAN

KEEP HIM OUT OF

TROUBLE.

MMMM-

HMMM.

HERE WE ARE,

SKIP, AT CHICAGO’S

FINEST, DISTRICT 19,

AKA THE ZOO, AKA

THE UNIVERSE’S

CRAP HOLE.

AND ON

THAT SUBJECT,

THERE’S THE

CRAPPER. DEEP,

I KNOW...

HEY,

RICHY!

IT’S SERGEANT

MONDRAGON,

DETECTIVE STAMM,

NOT RICHY.

I SEE

THEY’VE GIVEN

YOU A NEW

PARTNER.

I’M SERGEANT

RICHARD MONDRAGON.

WELCOME TO THE

ZOO, SON.

AND MY

SYMPATHIES

ON YOUR

PARTNER.

HEY...

AND ANOTHER

BATHROOM...YOU

GETTING ALL

THIS?

SO,

JUST HOW

SEXY AM

I?

ABOUT

AS SEXY AS

SOMETHING I’D

FLUSH DOWN

THE TOILET.

I CAN’T

BELIEVE SHE’S

SENDING YOU

BACK IN.

YEAH, WELL,

SHE HAS TO. I

HAVEN’T LEARNED

ALL THE WORDS TO

“EARTHLAND UBER

ALLES” YET.

I WANT

YOU TO WEAR

A WIRE.

LOVE TO!

DARLING IDEA,

REALLY. SO KIND

OF YOU TO

SUGGEST IT.

THE THING IS,

THERE’S THIS HOT

LITTLE EARTHBLOOD

NUMBER WHO CAN’T

KEEP HER HANDS

OFF ME.

SO IMAGINE,

THERE WE ARE

PETTING IN THE BUNKER,

AND SHE SLIDES HER

HAND UNDER MY SHIRT,

AND...OH MY

GOODNESS...

SURPRISE!

IT’S. A.

WIRE!

ONLY YOU

WOULD HAVE THAT

KIND OF PROBLEM,

AARON.

YEAH,

WELL...

...I KNEW THE

JOB WAS DANGEROUS

WHEN I TOOK IT. DON’T

BE JEALOUS, RICHY.

IT LOOKS BAD

ON YOU.

HEY, NICE LOOK, MORELLO.

YOU UNDERCOVER AS A

COUCH POTATO, OR DID

YOU JUST FORGET

YOUR SHIRT?

I’VE HAD

THAT URGE MYSELF,

FROM TIME

TO TIME.

THAT’S “EAT

IT, DETECTIVE STAMM.”

THESE ARE

OUR NEIGHBORS,

OFFICERS JI-HUN PARK

AND LOUIS MORELLO,

UNDERCOVER CHICAGO

FASHION ICONS.

AN ALIEN...

UHH...HEH...THREW UP ON HIM.

EAT IT,

STAMM!

THAT’S MY

DESK BACK BY THE

STAIRS, AND THIS IS

YOU. MY LAST PARTNER

DIED IN THAT CHAIR.

MASSIVE CEREBRAL

HEMORRHAGE.

WENT

JUST LIKE

THAT.

HOW MANY

PARTNERS

HAVE YOU HAD,

ANYWAY?

YOU

CAN’T COUNT

THAT HIGH.

DAMN,

MORELLO, YOU

FORGET HOW

TO USE A

REMOTE?

SCREW YOU,

DETECTIVE

STAMM.

PARK, CAN

YOU HELP ME?

YOUR PEOPLE

MADE THIS DAMN

THING...

MY PEOPLE

ARE KOREAN.

THAT “DAMN THING” IS JAPANESE, AND– REGARDLESS OF ITS ORIGIN–NOT MY PROBLEM.

HERE,

LET ME

TRY.

LET’S SEE.

YOU JUST NEED

TO GET INTO THE

MENU–THERE IT

IS–AND...

THAT

SHOULD

DO IT!

GOOD

LORD...

WHASSAMATTER,

MORELLO, WERE THEY

ALL OUT OF DEBBIE DOES STARPORT?

FOR YOUR

INFORMATION,

I’M DOING SOME

RESEARCH.

MAYBE I

CAN HELP. I’M

SOMEWHAT OF

AN AMATEUR

XENOLOGIST...

UHHHHH...

IT MEANS

I’VE READ JUST

ABOUT EVERYTHING

I CAN GET MY HANDS

ON CONCERNING

THE ALIENS.

CAN YOU

DESCRIBE HIM

FOR ME?

WE’RE TRYING

TO GET A MAKE ON

AN ALIEN PURSE

SNATCHER.

YEAH. SHORT–

SMALLER THAN A

MUNCHKIN, EVEN–WITH

BIG EARS, WINGS,

AND NO PANTS.

SORT OF

A MONKEY/BAT/

GREMLIN LOOK.

REALLY?

THAT’S WEIRD.

NONE OF THE WINGED

SPECIES I KNOW

FIT THAT

DESCRIPTION...

SO WHAT...

PUKED ON

ME, THEN?

I DON’T KNOW.

SO LET’S SEE IF WE

RECOGNIZE OUR

WINGED FRIEND IN THIS

LOVELY DEPICTION

OF DEBBIE DOES STARPORT...

SPACE. THELAST UNKNOWN. FORTHOUSANDS OF YEARS,MEN HAVE LOOKED UPINTO THE STARRY NIGHT,WONDERING WHAT WASOUT THERE...

WHO’D’VE THOUGHT,

FOR ALL THOSE YEARS,

THAT THE ANSWER WAS

“MUNCHKINS”?

I’M TELLING

YOU GUYS, I’VE

SEEN THIS VIDEO

BEFORE, AND THERE’S

NO SPECIES LIKE

THAT!

THE HARMONY OFWORLDS. VAST FLEETSOF FASTER-THAN-LIGHTSTARSHIPS, LINKING NINETHOUSAND INHABITEDPLANETS, MOONS,AND COLONIES.

A VAST TRADINGWEB THAT UNITESAN ENTIRE GALACTICARM, WITH THE ANCIENTWISDOM ANDACCUMULATED SCIENCEOF 315 SENTIENTSPECIES.

WELCOME TOOUR PLANET’SGUIDE TO THE HARMONYOF WORLDS, AND OURFRIENDS FROMTHE STARS...

...THEY CAMETO US NEARLY TENYEARS AGO, DURING THESUPER BOWL...

CHAPTER THREE

PLEASE TO

FOLLOWING

LIGHT OF INDICATION-

PROGRESSION-

WALKING DESTINATION.

OFFICE TOPMAN

AWAITS.

WELCOME

TO STARPORT

CHICAGO. I’M

MELANTHA MOORE, FROM

THE UNITED NATIONS

INTERSTELLAR TRADE

ORGANIZATION.

PROFIT

TO YOUR

HOUSE.

AND

TO YOURS,

CHAY’ASH.

CAPTAIN

SWOBODA.

LIEUTENANT KELLEHER.

APPRECIATION FOR

YOUR PRESENCE. YOUR

FLIGHT WAS SWIFT

AND EXCELLENT,

I TRUST?

WELL...

IT WAS

SWIFT.

YOU ARE

UNCOMFORTABLE,

CAPTAIN?

I JUST

GET A LITTLE...UH....

MERVOUS AROUND

HEIGHTS.

AH, ONE

UNDERSTANDS...

AND REQUIRES BUT

A MOMENT TO

RECTIFY.

PLEASE TO

BE SEATED.

IT IS

SUPERIOR TO

SPEAK IN COMFORT,

NAI?

UH, YEAH.

LOOK, I’LL

COME RIGHT TO

THE POINT. WE’VE UNCOVERED

EVIDENCE OF AN ASSASSINATION

PLOT AGAINST THE SKRIT TRADE

ENVOY. WE BELIEVE IT’S THE

WORK OF A GROUP CALLED

EARTHBLOOD...

THEY ARE A

RADICAL OFFSHOOT

COMBINATION OF

THE EARTH-FIRST AND

ALT-RIGHT PURITY GROUPS.

BASICALLY, THEY...OBJECT

TO THE ALIEN

PRESENCE.

OBJECT?

ISOLATIONISTS

AND BIGOTS, CHAY’ASH.

WE’SHEY ASSIAYAS NOVO TELLA NASH-TARA.

THERE’S NOT

MANY OF THEM–

NO MORE THAN

TWENTY.

THEN SO

FEW CAN PRESENT

NO TRUE DANGER TO

THE TRADE ENVOY,

NAI?

I WISH

THAT WERE TRUE,

BUT THESE PEOPLE

ARE VIOLENT AND

UNPREDICTABLE.

THEY MAY

EVEN HAVE AN ALLY

WITHIN STARPORT.

RUMOR HAS IT THAT

SOMEONE IS SUPPLYING

THEM WITH OFF-WORLD

WEAPONRY.

IMPOSSIBLE!

STARPORT

SECURITY WOULD

NEVER ALLOW

THIS!

THE

CHAY’ASH

SPEAKS

TRULY.

THE VIOLET

NHAR HAVE GUARDED

STARPORT CHICAGO SINCE

THIS WORLD WAS OPENED.

WE ARE HONOR-SWORN TO

PERMIT NO FORBIDDEN

WEAPONS TO FALL INTO

HUMAN HANDS.

HONOR.

YOU ARE

ACQUAINTED,

OF COURSE, WITH

MERCANTILE CAPTAIN

LYHANNE NHAR-LYS,

ARYANNE OF THE

VIOLET CADRE AND

SECURITY CHAMPION

OF STARPORT?

UH, YES...

WE ARE.

BUT WE STILL

HAVE REASON TO

BELIEVE THAT ENERGY

WEAPONS ARE INDEED

BEING SMUGGLED OUT

OF STARPORT.

SHOW ME

THESE WEAPONS!

WHERE ARE THEY? OF

WHAT TYPES? WHAT

PROOF DO YOU

BRING?

NO, I

THOUGHT

NOT.