Captivated By The Single Dad

CHAPTER FOUR

GRAY was extremely grateful that Holly was prepared to sit and have a drink with him at midnight.

His daughter’s screams had shocked him and, even though Anna had calmed quite quickly in his arms, the experience had left him feeling shaken. Anxious.

Now, more than ever, he was aware of his lack of skills. There was so much he didn’t know, didn’t understand about his children. He wouldn’t be able to read the experts’ books on psychology and grief and yet, very soon, Anna and Josh would be completely in his care.

Suddenly, his excitement over having them back in his life was mixed with terror. All his failures came back to haunt him—all the problems stemming from his childhood that had tainted his marriage.

Hell. How could he be a good single father? How could he be a role model for his kids? He’d let his parents down, let his wife down. Would he let his children down, too?

Worries chased each other, snapping like dogs at the heels of his thoughts as he and Holly sat on the corner sofas next to plate glass windows with views of the city.

They left the lamps turned low and the curtains open so they could see the black towers of the skyscrapers dotted with squares of lemon light. From below came the non-stop honk and roar of traffic. New York, the city that never sleeps.

It was a wonder anyone could ever sleep here with that constant racket, Gray thought wryly.

Holly was now wrapped in an elegant dressing gown of jade-green silk with a pattern of graceful white cranes. She sat with her bare feet tucked to one side, slim fingers curled around her glass of wine.

‘It’s a Margaret River red,’ he said. ‘Should be good. Cheers.’

She smiled faintly as she raised her glass. ‘Cheers.’

They sipped the wine and shared satisfied smiles. The wine was very good.

At first they talked about practical things, about the kinds of clothes the children would need immediately in Australia, and what could be boxed for posting. There were toys to be sorted, too—favourites to go with the children now, some to be sent to charities, others to be shipped.

‘How will Anna and Josh feel about leaving their friends behind?’ Gray asked.

‘Their school friends?’ Holly shrugged. ‘I don’t think that will be a problem. Little kids move on. Friends come and go.’ She smiled. ‘Don’t look so worried, Gray. Josh is cracking his neck to get to your ranch.’

Somewhat reassured, Gray had to ask the question that really bothered him. ‘About Anna’s nightmares—’

‘Yes?’

‘Do you know why she has them? Could it be because she was with Chelsea when it…when the aneurism…happened?’

‘There’s a good chance.’ Holly dropped her gaze to her glass. ‘Chelsea collapsed when she was in the middle of making Anna a peanut butter sandwich.’

It was almost too awful to imagine. Poor Anna. Poor Chelsea. For a moment he couldn’t think past the horror of it. How helpless and terrified Anna must have felt and, quite possibly, even guilty.

He sighed heavily. ‘Does Josh have nightmares, too?’

Holly’s dark hair rippled as she shook her head. ‘I think Josh is naturally more resilient than Anna. But he rang for the ambulance, so he knows he did everything he could. I’m sure that’s helped him, even if it’s only at some subconscious level.’

It made sense, and the reminder of his son’s quick thinking caused a small glow of pride. But poor Anna shouldn’t feel guilty. ‘There must be so much I need to understand. Is there anything else you should warn me about?’

Frowning, Holly took another sip of wine before she answered. ‘I actually wish Josh showed more signs of grief. He’s been bottling it in and I’m sure a good cry would do him good.’

‘He probably thinks crying is for girls.’

‘Probably. My brothers would agree.’ Holly sighed. ‘He probably needs to be encouraged to talk about it.’ Gray grimaced. Talking about feelings? Sharing emotions with others? That was so not his scene. Weren’t women supposed to be so much better at it than guys? All his life, he’d been a man of action, not words.

Watching him, Holly said, ‘I guess you must be very busy running your ranch. I assume you’ve hired a nanny to help with the children.’

‘Ah…’ Gray drew a sharp breath. ‘So far, I’ve organised a team to look after the mustering, so that frees me up quite a bit. My plan was to wait till I saw Anna and Josh—and saw how they were. I thought I’d take them home, help them to settle in first, then look around for someone suitable.’

He set his empty glass on the coffee table. ‘There wouldn’t be any point in hiring a nanny they didn’t like.’

‘No. It will need to be the right person.’

Holly looked away quickly as if she didn’t want him to see her eyes, but Gray was sure he’d caught a glitter of tears and his throat tightened. He’d expected her to be anxious to be free of his kids, but was she upset at the thought of saying goodbye to them?

It was so difficult for a family to span two hemispheres. There was always someone who missed out.

She turned to him again, her eyes extra-wide. ‘So will Anna and Josh be involved when you choose their new nanny?’

‘They’ll be consulted.’ Gray thought this was only fair. ‘Do you have any advice?’ he added, trying to be diplomatic.

‘I…I’ll give it some thought.’ She shifted her position, uncurling her legs.

He couldn’t help watching. Her legs were long and shapely and her toenails were painted a deep sexy red. In her Oriental dressing gown, with her dark hair shining in the soft light, she made a charming picture. Like a painting.

Girl at Midnight.

He thought how perfect it would be—from his children’s point of view, of course—if Holly could continue on as their nanny. She understood them so well, far better than he did, and they clearly loved her. Added to that, she had teaching skills and, with her help, the transition to Australia would be almost painless.

It would never happen, of course. Holly had already told him she was about to start a new career in the US. Why would she give that up and go all the way to the Australian Outback?

She was a city girl. She was his ex-wife’s cousin, for crying out loud. She was educated and cultured, just as Chelsea had been. If she hated his place the way Chelsea had, her attitude could rub off on his kids.

Gray realised that Holly was already on her feet.

‘Thanks for the wine,’ she said.

‘Would you like another glass?’

She shook her head. ‘I need to hit the sack. Tomorrow is another day and all that.’

Her voice was tight, so tight it almost cracked. Without another word, she set the wine glass on the kitchen bench and hurried away.

She was upset. Had she been able to tell what he was thinking?

In bed, Gray lay wide awake, his thoughts running amok, trailing through the events of the day, and inevitably through the dizzying highs and lows of his romance with Chelsea. He’d met his children’s mother while she was travelling in North Queensland with a touring American dance troupe, but he’d made so many mistakes…so many wrong turns…

He’d never seen a girl so delicate and fair, so perfectly beautiful in every way. He’d never looked into a woman’s eyes and fallen from a great height.

It had been a classic case of love at first sight, with all the usual symptoms—the thunderbolt to the heart, the obsession.

With the recklessness of youth, Gray had followed Chelsea back to America. In New York he’d courted her with the single-minded passion of a young man desperately in love. A hasty engagement, a wedding in Central Park and a blissful honeymoon in Paris…

Then back to Jabiru Creek Station. To the Outback.

Within the first month, Chelsea had realised her mistake. She’d loved Gray—about that there had never been any doubt—but in the Australian Outback his precious bride had wilted like a flower without water.

His throat ached now as he remembered the tears streaming down her face as she’d confronted him.

We’ve made a mistake, Gray, haven’t we? Don’t you think we should separate now, before this gets too complicated? You’re a good man. I should have been more honest. I didn’t want to hurt you.

Of course, he should have given in then. It was so easy now to look back and to see how foolish and blinded he’d been—how he’d kissed her tears and begged her shamelessly.

You must stay, Chelsea. Please, please give it a go.

It was only a few weeks later that she’d realised she was pregnant so, of course, she’d stayed…

‘You wake him up.’

‘No, you.’

Childish giggling penetrated Gray’s sleep. Damn. Was it morning already?

It had taken him hours to fall asleep and he felt absolutely stuffed, unable to move, like an elephant paralysed by a stun gun. Perhaps, if he lay very still, his children would creep away again and leave him to sleep.

Not a chance. Already small hands were poking and shaking him.

‘Dad! Dad!’

He groaned in a low protest.

‘Daddy!’ That was Anna’s voice, now suddenly panic-stricken.

His eyes snapped open, then he cringed from the bright daylight flooding the room. ‘Good morning,’ he groaned. ‘What time is it?’

‘It’s really late,’ Josh told him. ‘We had breakfast ages and ages ago.’

Gray struggled onto one elbow, yawned and rubbed a hand over sleep-bleary eyes.

‘Are you all right, Daddy?’ Anna still sounded worried.

‘Yeah, chicken. I’m fine.’ He yawned again. ‘Just sleepy. My body thinks it’s still in Australia.’

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat for a minute, elbows propped on his knees, holding his dazed head in his hands. Jet lag was taking its toll.

‘Holly said to tell you she’s made a fresh pot of coffee,’ Josh announced.

Bless Holly. Coffee was exactly what he needed. As soon as he’d had a shower.

Gray ruffled his kids’ hair. ‘So what have you two got planned for today?’

‘Packing!’ they chorused.

‘You’re kidding?’ How could they look so excited? ‘Don’t tell me packing’s fun?’

‘Sure, Dad. It’s great fun. Holly’s playing a new game with us. We’re putting all our toys in a magic rocket box, and it’s going to take off for Australia all by itself.’

‘Wow. How about that?’

Gray had to hand it to Holly. She sure had a way with his kids. Damn pity she wasn’t coming home with them.

As the hot water in the shower streamed over him, he reminded himself why he mustn’t put any pressure on Holly to help him out. She’d already gone above and beyond for his children, and now she had a life of her own to lead. Holly was a good sport and she would never let on that she was cracking her neck to be free of her commitments here. But he knew she must be keen to get on with her new career and to start dating again, find a new boyfriend.

He wouldn’t appeal to her good nature…couldn’t exploit her genuine affection for his kids by trying to talk her into coming with them. That would be nothing short of emotional blackmail.

Just the same, Gray wished he felt more confident in his ability to raise his kids.

Their education was his major worry.

For all kinds of reasons Gray’s own parents had totally stuffed up his schooling. Just thinking about his lack of education triggered unwelcome memories of his parents’ harsh and heated bickering. He found himself remembering his mother’s fits of crying and his father’s sulky, blustering anger and his innards twisted.

Truth to tell, his formal schooling had finished almost as soon as it started, around the same time as his parents’ divorce. However, it was only much later in his adult years that Gray had fully understood the handicap he carried. By then he’d developed a tough veneer and he’d managed to bluff his way through most challenges, never realising that his failings would come back to bite him, that he’d let his wife down…

And now he was in danger of letting his kids down…

No. There was no way he would allow Anna and Josh to grow up with the limitations he’d endured. But if he wanted to give them the very best chance, he needed help. He needed someone exactly like Holly.

If only she was free…

We’ve done well, Holly thought at the end of a full day of packing and, thanks to Gray’s involvement, it had been relatively painless. Gray’s sense of humour—a side of him she’d never really seen before—had saved a few awkward moments when decisions over toys might have ended in tears.

And then he’d surprised her further by cooking dinner.

‘Because you’ve been working so hard,’ he’d said with an endearingly shy smile that sent her stomach fluttering. ‘And only if you like spaghetti bolognese. I’m afraid there’s a limit to my kitchen skills.’

Spaghetti bolognese was absolutely fine, Holly assured him. Unfortunately, anything seemed fine when he sent her those smiles.

Except she didn’t want to be susceptible to his smiles, did she? She was simply grateful for the chai latte he’d brought her from the drugstore two and a half blocks away, as well as the chance to soak in the tub and change her clothes before dinner, and then enjoy a meal she hadn’t had to cook.

Over dinner, Anna and Josh talked about Australia. They were very excited to hear that Gray had an airstrip on his property and that his mail and supplies were delivered by aeroplane.

‘We’ll fly to Normanton,’ Gray explained, ‘and then we’ll drive home to Jabiru from there.’

We’ll drive home to Jabiru…

Holly pictured Gray and his children in a big SUV, skimming over wide red plains towards a distant homestead, and she was swamped by a wave of loneliness.

What was wrong with her? She’d known all along that this would happen. But she still couldn’t help feeling miserable. Everyone who was important in her life was being taken from her—Chelsea, Brandon, and now Anna and Josh.

I’ll start again and build a new life around my new job.

Right now, it was hard to feel happy about that.

Suddenly she realised Josh was asking his dad about their new school.

To Holly’s surprise, Gray’s ears reddened. He looked pained and cleared his throat. ‘The school in the Outback is a bit different from what you’re used to.’

‘How different?’

‘It’s called School of the Air.’

‘School of the Air?’ This time it was Holly who butted in. She couldn’t help it. Her interest was thoroughly piqued. ‘How does that work?’

Gray smiled crookedly. ‘It’s like a normal classroom, but the classes are held over the radio. There are children living in homesteads scattered all over the Outback and each homestead has a special transceiver. They send messages back and forth. The teacher can talk to all of the pupils and they can talk to each other.’ He shrugged. ‘It seems to work really well.’

‘School over the radio? Wow. That sounds totally awesome.’ Josh couldn’t have looked more excited if he’d been told there were pet baby dinosaurs at his new school.

‘It sounds amazing,’ Holly agreed, thoroughly intrigued. To her surprise, she felt quite jealous of the nanny who would mentor Anna and Josh as they came to grips with this unorthodox schoolroom.

She shot the children sparkling grins. ‘Aren’t you two lucky?’

Josh, twirling spaghetti onto his fork, nodded enthusiastically.

Anna, however, looked uncertain. She turned to Holly. ‘Will you still be our nanny?’

Holly held her breath, not trusting herself to answer this question without giving her feelings away.

To her relief, Gray answered for her. ‘Holly can’t come to Australia, Anna. You know that. But we’re going to find a nice Australian nanny.’

Anna drooped. ‘I want Holly. And I like my school here. Why do you have to live in Australia? Why can’t you live in New York?’

Holly saw the sudden bleakness in Gray’s eyes, the wavering of his smile. Even though he’d sounded confident about finding a nice Australian nanny, he was obviously worried by Anna’s reaction.

She’d been determined to keep out of this conversation, but her heart was melting at the sight of Gray’s discomfort and she felt compelled to jump to his aid.

‘How could your dad live in this apartment?’ she asked with a deliberate smile. ‘What would he do with all his cattle?’

Anna shrugged. ‘Put them in storage?’

‘As if.’ Josh groaned and rolled his eyes.

An awkward hush fell. Gray continued to look worried and Anna looked as if she might cry. Her lower lip trembled.

Watching her, Josh began to look anxious, too. ‘It’s going to be great living with Dad,’ he urged his sister softly.

‘Not if Holly can’t come with us.’

Holly saw Gray’s shoulders stiffen at the same moment she felt her face flame.

Then Anna burst into tears.

‘Hey,’ Holly said, quickly drawing the little girl onto her lap, and not daring to catch Gray’s eyes again. ‘How can you cry in the middle of this lovely dinner your dad has cooked?’

Anna’s response was to cling to Holly tightly, sobbing louder than ever. ‘Why can’t you come with us?’

It was a truly difficult moment. Holly knew Gray was anxious about his ability to care for his fragile daughter and now her tearful reaction would only deepen his apprehension.

But, despite this, Holly couldn’t help feeling electrified, too, as if she’d touched a live wire. Anna had innocently brought into the open the very question that had rattled around in her head all day.

The thing was—school in the US didn’t start again till the autumn, which meant she could spend June and July in Australia helping the children to settle in to their new home and school, and she’d still be back in time to start her new teaching job.

And now that she’d heard about this School of the Air, the idea was especially intriguing.

Of course, it wouldn’t be plain sailing. After the past hectic months she would have liked a proper vacation and, if she went to Australia, she’d still be ‘working’. She’d have very little chance to catch her breath before she had to start in the new school.

Then again, she didn’t have any particular plans for the next few weeks—and she certainly didn’t fancy going home to Vermont, where she’d spend her time either avoiding Brandon or being showered with sympathy from family and friends. And she was intrigued by the set-up in the Outback—and, of course, she would love to see Anna and Josh happily settled.

The only negative factor was the silly frissons that danced over her skin whenever Gray Kidman came too near—but Holly was sure she’d soon conquer that foolish tendency.

For heaven’s sake, there wasn’t any danger she’d actually fall for poor Chelsea’s ex when the pain of being dumped by Brandon hadn’t even healed. She planned to be mega-cautious around all men in future—especially the attractive ones.

‘Why don’t you tuck the children into bed and read them a couple of stories?’ Holly suggested to Gray after dinner.

To her surprise, he looked unhappy, as if she’d asked him to help with some horrible chore like cleaning the toilets with a toothbrush.

‘But won’t they expect you to do it?’ he asked.

His obvious nervousness puzzled Holly. Perhaps Anna’s tears at dinner had upset him more than she’d realised. She tried to reassure him. ‘Anna and Josh will love it if you read to them tonight.’

When Gray still looked worried, she added, ‘They need to get used to small changes, and this would be a good first step.’

He swallowed uncomfortably. ‘I guess.’

‘Their favourite books are stacked on the nightstand.’

‘Okay.’

As he left the kitchen, heading for the children’s room, Holly saw a deep red tide that was not sunburn staining the back of his neck. The sight of it caused an ache right in the centre of her chest. Was he nervous about being alone with his children? Was he afraid Anna would cry again? Should she have offered to be there, too?

She almost called out to him, but there was something about the resolute straightness of his shoulders and the purposeful length of his stride that stopped her. He was like a soldier marching off to war. No, she was being fanciful.

And in the end everything was fine.

While Holly cleared the table and stacked the dishwasher, she could hear the deep masculine rumble of Gray’s voice and the bell-like tinkle of the children’s laughter. They were clearly having a great time.

With the kitchen tidy, she went into the living room and tried to relax, curled on the sofa with her current paperback novel. As soon as Gray was finished with the bedtime stories, she would talk to him about Australia. She only wished the thought of their conversation didn’t make her feel so inordinately excited.

It was quite a while before Gray returned, however, and he was smiling, his blue eyes reflecting relief and a new contentment.

‘That seemed to go well,’ Holly said warmly.

‘Yeah.’ He stood in the centre of the room, hands resting lightly on his hips, and he grinned. ‘Seems like I passed my first test as a single dad.’

‘That’s great. I suppose Josh pressured you into reading the pirate story.’

‘No, actually. I told them a completely different story tonight.’

‘Oh, right.’ She couldn’t help asking. ‘Which one?’

Gray shrugged. ‘I made one up. About Hector Owl and Timothy Mouse.’ He shot her a shrewdly narrowed glance. ‘Your experts wouldn’t object, would they?’

‘N-no, of course not. I’m just surprised. Amazed, actually. I’ve loved stories all my life but, even if you paid me thousands, I couldn’t make one up on the spot. Anna and Josh seemed to love yours.’

Still standing in the middle of the living room carpet, Gray shrugged again and scratched at the shadow of stubble on his jaw, then he quickly changed the subject. ‘Fancy another glass of that wine we opened last night?’

‘Why not?’ Wine might help to steady her nerves.

While he collected the bottle and glasses, Holly set her book aside and stood quickly, taking a surreptitious peek at her reflection in the long mirror on the opposite wall. It was silly. Really, she knew the neatness of her hair, the fit of her jeans or the flounces on her cream silk blouse were of no interest to Gray. But the conversation she was about to launch was almost a job interview. Checking her appearance was an automatic reflex.

‘You look great,’ Gray said, coming back into the room more quickly than she expected.

Flustered, she fought off a blush and sat quickly, wishing she could think of a witty retort.

‘No, honestly, that new hairstyle suits you,’ he said, handing her a glass of the rich Australian red.

A trip to the hairdresser had been part of Holly’s post-Brandon recovery plan, but she was amazed that Gray had noticed.

‘Thanks.’ She raised her glass. ‘Here’s to settling the twins happily in Australia. May it all go super-smoothly.’

‘Amen to that.’ Gray settled into an armchair and stretched his long legs in front of him, crossing them at the ankles.

Holly tried not to stare, but Gray had a way of catching her eye. His jeans were soft and worn and faded, hugging his strong thighs. His elastic-sided boots were tan and clean and made of finely cut leather. Lamplight caught the dark sheen of his hair and accented the ruggedly masculine planes and angles of his face and the shadow on his jaw.

There was no denying the man was bone-deep sexy. At Chelsea’s wedding, even Holly’s grandmother had been all girlish and coy in Gray’s presence.

Perhaps she shouldn’t say anything about Australia after all. She didn’t want to spend the next couple of months stealing sneak peeks at Chelsea’s ex just because she was currently without a boyfriend. She was supposed to be getting on with her exciting new single life, making plans for her brilliant career.

She drank some wine, buying time to compose herself, but her brain refused to let go of one particular thought and suddenly the words just tumbled out. ‘I’ve been thinking that you might need help with the children when you first arrive in Australia.’

Gray nodded calmly. ‘I’ve been thinking the same thing. I wondered if I should phone ahead to an employment agency.’

‘An agency in Australia?’

‘Yes.’

Holly felt a surge of emotion, almost panic. ‘I’m at a loose end.’

Oh, cringe. How annoying that she could say something in her head all day and it sounded fine, but now, as soon as she said it out loud, it sounded utterly dumb.

It didn’t help that Gray’s head snapped back as if he’d been punched in the jaw. He was staring at her as if she’d announced she was planning to fly into outer space. On a broomstick.

‘How do you mean—a loose end?’ he asked quietly.

‘I’m free—for a month or so.’

‘I thought you were starting work in a school.’

Holly’s mouth was suddenly parched. She took a sip from her glass and to her dismay her hand was shaking. ‘The schools here are about to close for the summer.’ She wished her voice wasn’t shaking as well. She cleared her throat. ‘I wouldn’t be expected to start in a new job until August, or possibly September.’

His eyes widened. ‘So you’re free through the rest of June and July?’

‘As long as I’m still in phone or Internet contact. For interviews.’ Seeing the surprise in Gray’s eyes, Holly’s nervousness accelerated. ‘It’s just a thought. A possible option.’

‘But it’s a fantastic option.’ His eyes were gleaming, and his face broke into a fully fledged smile. ‘You’d be perfect.’

For God’s sake, stay cool.

‘Do you have a passport?’ Gray asked, clearly thinking more calmly than she was.

Holly nodded. She’d studied Italian at school and her parents had scraped and saved to send her on a fabulous school excursion to Tuscany. Her passport was still valid.

Gray’s smile was replaced by a quick frown. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t mind giving up so much time?’

‘I’d be happy to come. I’m really interested in this School of the Air. I’d love to see how it works and, of course, I’d really like to help Anna and Josh to settle in.’

Gray was frowning again and he launched to his feet, pacing the room as if something troubled him. ‘I promise you’d have nothing to worry about—’ He swallowed and looked awkward. ‘I mean—accompanying me and the kids—no one out there will jump to conclusions about us. I…I mean no one will assume we’re a couple.’

Looking distinctly embarrassed, he gave a forced laugh, as if he was trying to make a joke but knew it wasn’t funny.

To Holly’s dismay, she felt her face flame. ‘Well, that’s good,’ she hurried to assure him. ‘And you certainly don’t need to worry from my end. Romance is totally off my agenda. I’ve just broken up a long-term relationship, and it was harrowing to say the least, so it’ll be a very long time before I start looking for any kind of—’ She couldn’t quite finish the sentence.

Gray nodded thoughtfully, his eyes sending a message of sympathy, and Holly felt a clear wave of relief to know that they had the ground rules sorted.

Just the same, she couldn’t help also feeling the teensiest sting over Gray’s mega-eagerness to make it clear that he wasn’t romantically interested in her.

How crazy was that? She dropped her gaze to her wine and reminded herself exactly why she’d made this offer. Gray needed help, Anna and Josh needed a nanny, and she needed to feel she’d done everything she could for Chelsea’s children.

She was the perfect person to help Anna and Josh to adjust to their new life in Australia.

‘So that’s definite, then?’ Gray was serious again. Businesslike. ‘You’ll come?’

Suddenly it felt inevitable. Predestined. As if this question was always going to be asked. And the answer was always going to be…

‘Yes.’