Windows of Opportunities

Exoplanet

– Sir, we are approaching some planet, the information on the screen gives the probability of life on this planet over 86%.

– So what?

– I mean… Maybe we can fly in and see, sir?

– What’s the idea?

– Well, there may be interesting species of animals or plants…

– As well as dangerous viruses that cause incurable diseases, Hans!

– Yes, sir, but there may be a human civilization!

– Here you are again! For all civilizations, history develops in the same way: first fratricide, then prostitution, slavery, human sacrifice, the invention of the wheel, writing, gunpowder, paper money… Many civilizations do not live long enough to see the invention of the wheel…

– I’m sorry sir, but what about architecture, literature, painting, music…

– Hans, this is all tied to the traditions of a particular civilization! It will be incomprehensible to you, and it will appear ferocious and ugly! You will only waste time and fuel! “Look for matches among similarities”!

– But still, sir!

– Mind! Our mission is not biological, historical or social!

– Yes, sir!

– Watch the screens, Hans!

– Yes, sir! But look, here on the screen, we are surveying the planet! What a funny fluffy character is running. So cute with long ears! Its tail glimpses…

– Sure! And there is another character after it, even more remarkable: shaggy, with teeth and claws. It is about to catch up! Jumped! Ugh! Turn it off immediately! Any more questions?

– This is horrible, sir!

– I told you, let’s fly on!

Envelope

– Permission to speak, sir?

– Come on, Hans, what have you got?

– We are flying and flying again…

– Of course, we’re flying, what else can we do in another galaxy…

– But we’re flying somewhere, sir?

– Of course, somewhere! Everyone is flying somewhere, even not knowing about it – the Universe is expanding!

– That’s not what I meant, sir. We probably have a mission, an assignment…

– Of course, we do, Hans! We have it inscribed in a specially sealed envelope, in classified file, in closed access. It’s top secret!

– Can we open it, sir, and see?

– And what do you wish to see exactly?

– Like, where we are flying…

– What’s the difference, Hans? It’s the same everywhere! Galaxies, stars, nebulae. Besides, the envelope cannot be opened just like that without a reason.

– It cannot, sir?

– Of course, it can’t! It will self-destruct! We’ll be stuck in space during the whole trial, while they’ll investigate why we violated the instructions! And we’ll be either destroyed for a crime of the first category like spying and treason, or we will manage to shake off our accusations. In which case another sealed envelope will be teleported to us – exactly the same as the one we’ve tried to open! This envelope can neither be opened voluntarily nor destroyed.

– Have you tried, sir?

– Sure, I have, that is… Leave the talk!

– Serving the System, sir!

– Go on with that!

Snake

– Hans, look! Why do I see a snake? Am I dreaming or what? It looks like I see it in front of my eyes!

– But sir, I can also see it!

– What can you see?

– A snake, sir, I guess, it is a green mamba, very poisonous and agile! I wonder how could it sneak here?

– What The Heap! Checkup if it’s on the list of experiments; it might have crawled out of the vivarium!

– We don’t have a vivarium on the ship now! I mean, on this mission, sir.

– Where did it come from then?

– Maybe it was teleported to us instead of some zoo by mistake, or it crawled into the transfer device by itself, sir!

– You’re out of your gourd, Hans! We are in another galaxy! We haven’t entered the zone of possibilities for at least four weeks!

– In other words, it is hungry, sir! So, it may be aggressive. If I were you, sir, I wouldn’t be waving my arms like that… It’s pretty close to you…

– What The Helm! That’s the last thing I was dreaming about: to be bitten by a snake in space! Do something, Hans! After all, you’re a biologist!

– In a jiff, sir. We’ll have to cool the room to eight degrees.

– What for?

– This will reduce its activity, sir. And then I’ll carry it to the cargo hold. I think I saw mice there.

– Have we got mice, too?

– Could be, sir, but don’t you worry, the snake will gulp them all down. And when we come by the zone of possibilities, we may teleport it somewhere.

– Good idea, Hans. I think I even know where!

– Where, sir?

– You don’t need to know yet! It will be a surprise to the host…

Doubling

– Sir, sir, let me ask you something, ask you something?

– What is it, what is it, Hans?

– I have everything doubling-doubling, in my eyes, my eyes and everywhere-everywhere!

– Like doubling? Doubling?

– That’s right, that’s right!

– What did you eat today? What did you eat?

– I reckon, the same as you, as you, sir!

– What did I eat, did I eat, Hans?

– Same as me, as me, sir!

– Hans! We entered the Singer-Singer resonance, resonance, urgently come on, come on, write a message, a message to the center! To the center! We have a problem, resonance-resonance, everything doubles, doubles, more pathos-pathos and words in reverse, esrever ni. Repeat eevveerryy lleetteerr ttwwiiccee! Let them teleport us immediately somewhere, somewhere or elsewhere, preferably closer to the sea and beer, before we get out of the zone of opportunity! The ship can explode to hell any minute! Don’t write to them about the beer, and the sea either! Now substitute “hell” with “uncharted horizons” and send!

– It seems to have stopped, sir!

– Don’t wait for it to repeat, to repeat, Hans-Hans! It may come back, come back any minute, any minute!

– Serving the System, sir!

– You can say that again!

Spider

– Hans, I think I’ve seen this nebula in reverse before.

– I don’t quite dig it, sir!

– Well, yesterday it was like that, but today, it is as if it was turned from left to right…

– I’m afraid you’re right, sir!

– What happened?

– We passed that nebula, we now have it on the other side, sir.

– What? But how did it happen, Hans? Did you slip through the rabbit hole? You can’t go there! It is strictly forbidden!

– Yes, sir, but we’re on our way back already.

– But how did you get there?

– Due to a spider, sir!

– What spider?

– I let it out for a sec so that it could catch the fruit flies. Remember that experiment we did last week? The flies almost all survived, and some even got out of the container.

– Hans, but they were infected with a virus.

– True sir, that’s why I released a spider on them, I thought it would be easier to catch the spider after it had caught the flies…

– Now you have to set a bird on it…

– A bird, sir?

– Well, yes, and let a cat after a bird, a dog for a cat, a cow for a dog… Have you never heard this children’s song?

– Never heard it, sir!

– I see! Each time to solve a smaller problem a bigger problem is created. It looks like it’s a common practice now.

– Quite so, sir! But what are we to do with our spider and flies?

– Your spider and your flies, Hans! Put on your spacesuit, lower the temperature inside the ship to minus 20, bleed the air out, turn off gravity, we will fly like birds in the compartments and catch your damn flies and the damn spider!

– We’ll make it, sir!

– Hold on! I need to put on my spacesuit, too!

Russians

– Sir, permission to ask a question?

– What have you got, Hans?

– What if we meet the Russians?

– The Russians?

– Well, yes, sir, what are we going to do? They’ve never explained that to us at the Academy, only said to put it off for later!

– We will pretend to be Russians too, Hans!

– Can we do that, sir?

– Well, we’ll push each other, saw the air around with our hands! Drink vodka right from a bottleneck! Play balalaikas! Lead a bear on a leash…

– Do you think that’ll be convincing enough?

– Yep!

– But, sir, we haven’t got any vodka, I’ve just checked! There are no balalaikas and no bear either.

– None left? Strange, I thought I’d ordered some… Is that all?

– But, sir, what if they talk to us? We don’t speak Russian!

– We’ll use an interpreter!

– You mean, the Russians will talk to the Russians through an interpreter?

– Yep! What’s a big deal? They do that all the time! If that doesn’t convince them, we can say that we are deaf and dumb Russians! That is, don’t drink vodka!

– How can we say that we are deaf and dumb if we are deaf and dumb? And how do we hear the answer?

– Through the interpreter, Hans, through the interpreter… As for the answer… Why do we need any answer?

– I’ll go find an interpreter, sir!

– Why all the haste?

– They’re on our course, sir!

– Put the lights out, turn off the engine, Hans! We’ll pretend we are an abandoned ship! And they won’t notice us!

– Too late, sir, they’ve already noticed!

– How do you know?

– They are all around our screens with their wide smiles, waving vodka in their hands! Oh, look they have a bear with them too!

– I wish I dropped dead!

Chicks

– What’s in the message, Hans?

– Spaceship “Trailblazer-60/90” on our course, sir. Crew consists of Sheila Rodriguez and Milla Schneider. They’re greeting us warmly, sir, and inviting on board for a friendly visit.

– Don’t rush to answer, Hans! It could be a trap. You know we mustn’t leave the ship. Have they sent their photos?

– Sure, sir. They are cute…

– Not bad, not bad at all, if only these are their photos, Hans…

– Perhaps instead of visiting them, we can invite them to our den, that is, to our ship, sir?

– And this could be, on their part, a “Trojan horse” ploy. In this case, “Trojan mares” ploy. In space, this concern is especially acute, what I’m trying to say, the need for vigilance and caution comes to the fore. We’re in a different galaxy, you know, Hans, not just somewhere!

– So, what should I answer, sir?

– That’s the question, Hans! To be or not to be there! The classic situation of fifty-fifty. What would you do in this case? What were you taught at the Academy?

– Follow the charter, sir!

– What does the charter read Hans?

– “Report the problem to the base, transfer the decision to the higher command, monitor the situation and wait for orders”.

– You are right, well done!

– Serving the System, sir!

– And the System is proud of you, Hans! But we’ll go further and use this opportunity for a surprise training! I am giving an introduction: we will test a decision-making model with faulty communication! In other words, we will model a situation when it is impossible to convey the decision to the higher level and receive instructions from them.

– Haven’t got you, sir.

– I say, turn off the transmitter, shut off the engines, Hans! Let’s visit the chicks! Go fetch some champagne! I believe there are some bottles left!

– Yes, sir! But who will guard the ship?

– Have we run out of robots, Hans? Put our Navigator in charge! That’s part of the drill too.

– Will do, sir!

Complaint

– There’s a complaint on you, sir!

– A complaint? To who?

– To the Flight Control Center, to the base, sir!

– How did you find out about it?

– I’ve got access to the files! By chance, of course…

– Ha! What are they complaining about? And who is that blotter?

– I guess it came from a ship that wanted to outrun us into the corridor of opportunity. It had some kind of special mission. Their lady commander said…

– What The Hent! I told her that we had an emergency! According to the flight rules, a ship with an emergency has a higher priority to pass, and, in any case, the Flight Control Center decides on the priority!

– They claim, sir, that our contingency was in doubt, and that we did not wait for the Center’s decision, slipping into the corridor first…

– Of course, we didn’t wait! In the event of emergency, the decision is made by the captain, without waiting for a command from the Center! It’s a shame I can’t answer them as we haven’t received any formal complaints, have we? Otherwise I would tell everyone how they climbed with their “special mission”, creating that very emergency! But, that’s bollocks, we will fight back…

– Already done sir!

– Have you deleted the complaint?

– On the contrary, I’ve multiplied it on their behalf… The FCC spam filter has removed it, I believe, forever, sir!

– I haven’t heard any of that!

– Serving the System, sir!

– Keep up the good work, Hans!

Tail

– Oh my! What’s that Hans?

– That weird ship again, it says, we are tailing after them.

– Are we?

– Yes, sir, they say we are going after them!

– You mean they say we are following them, Hans?

– No, sir, we must be going in the same direction as they are.

– What The Heel! Tell them it may be in their imagination, but we aren’t!

– They are insisting, they are as stubborn as mules, sir!

– Those dumb idiots! Make it clear to them that we are a universal cargo ship, as they might have guessed themselves. We are not pursuing anyone or anything, except for the accomplishment of an important mission on behalf of the System. Write it in many words. The more, the better! Let them read! Shove them the Universal Declaration on the Movement of Ships in Space.

– But It’s huge!

– So let them read it from cover to cover and bug off!

– Done, sir!

– Any response?

– They don’t believe us! They are infuriated that we are following them.

– Tell them that if it’s so important to them, we can overtake them. But let them slow down, I’m not going to waste my fuel on their stupid fantasies!

– I’ve relayed that, sir.

– So, what is it now?

– Nothing so far, sir! Here’s a new message: they don’t want to be trailing under our tail.

– What is it they want?

– They say they don’t want us to chase them. And they don’t wish to lag behind us either.

– But they will have to! Prepare for the jump! Try to make something fall off their ship when we jump, like their stupid antenna of their damn transmitter.

– Yes, sir!

– Not yet, hold on! Transmit a signal to the base: dangerous maneuvering of the ship ahead, incomprehensible signals received, possible illness of the crew… Report their coordinates and a malfunction of their transmitter. We needed to make a jump to avoid an emergency. Do mark urgent and confidential.

– Already sent, sir, but their transmitter is still working!

– Perhaps not after our gambol, Hans! Now everything depends on you!

– Yes, sir! Serving the System, sir!

Robots

– Sir, there is a ship looking like ours on the course!

– It does not surprise me, there are a lot of them flying, it’s a popular model!

– Yes, but it is unmanned. Uninhabited automatic flight!

– This is also in the order of things.

– But it’s amazing, sir, that they are flying where we are. I wonder why they had to send us if the robots can accomplish this mission?

– What amazes you more: us being sent, or that the mission can be performed by the robots?

– Rather the first, sir.

– You see, Hans, this is a far-reaching subject. Of course, robots can complete almost every mission. But if they do it all the world will become completely… how would you put it…

– Deterministic, sir?

– That’s it! Deterministic! We bring an element of randomness into it. A surprise, you know! Therefore, we are still needed. For the same reason many living organisms have two sexes. If they had just one, then the rate of evolution would be determined only by mutations, the probability of which is rather small. And when there are two sexes, a female can meet with one male or another, or with no male at all. The variability increases many times…

– Males also fight for the female, sir!

– Of course, they do. Thus, the strongest, the fittest, the bravest, the most cunning or the smartest win! Accordingly, the evolution is directional and not chaotic. Robots are the same story. If only robots remained in the world, they would have no need to develop at all. But we introduce some irregularity into the system and problems to be solved. This creates the reason and the drive. Consequently, the System receives the necessary development!

– Serving the System, sir! But why does it need to be developed at all? Why not let it stay in the current state that is perfect as we know it?

– That’s another good question! I believe it needs the development, so it is prepared for the next surprise.

– So, we need to surprise it so that it is ready for the next surprise?

– Yep! If it ever stops the development, it will start to degrade, Hans! By the way, there’s an indicator flashing…

– Sorry, sir, we’ve deviated from the course!

– Fix it and send the robots “space hello”, as required by the flights protocol.

– Done, sir!

– Have they responded?

– I think they’re trying to pull a joke, sir! Their answer is: “It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change” Leon C. Megginson…

– This is on our agenda, Hans! I hope they didn’t overhear our conversation…

Police

– Anything new, Hans?

– It’s Police, sir!

– Police?

– Yes, sir, they demand we let them into our cargo hold!

– If they so demand – we will comply, but ask them first to hand over their credentials and the search warrant.

– Already requested, sir!

– Well done! What’s their comeback?

– They say they have the right for a secret investigation, and they don’t have to show us anything.

– Then tactic number one!

– Number one, sir?

– Yes, we are washed off! This is not the police! They are swindlers! So we might report to the base if required. Meanwhile, ask them for a copy of the assignment. Write to them that we are on a special mission, that’s why the cargo hold is sealed. They cannot be aboard without Special permission from the Council. Mention that we have requested legal support and expect to receive it within 10 minutes. This is a bluff, of course, as we are in another galaxy, but we will play for time, and let them think over an answer. Turn on the accelerator! While it stabilizes, we will prepare for the jump. Also let’s put something heavy in the transfer device just in case. I thought we had a faulty buoy or something.

– Why, sir?

– Tactic number two, Hans! This is not taught at the Academy!

– What good might it do?

– If they still try to get on board through the TD and don’t check the volume, as they usually do, then the first thing to meet them here will be this very buoy and any other rubbish that we can find for the good of the System!

– Serving the System, sir!

– No time for that now, Hans! Go look for trash in the cargo hold and we wash off!

Ursa

– Sir, right on the course is Big Dipper!

– Impossible, Hans, we are in another galaxy!

– Sorry, sir, it is the Ursa Major spaceship and it is in distress!

– We don’t serve the poor and we aren’t a rescue mission either, Hans!

– But still, sir, maybe something terrible has happened to them?

– Request a surveillance! Beggars can’t be choosers, especially the proud ones! Let’s see what we can see!

– Nothing special, sir. It is empty everywhere!

– Look again, look in their cargo hold, look where they never look usually.

– Nothing, sir! Maybe they were already helped, everyone was evacuated, but the distress signal was not turned off in a rush?

– Request the remote control and turn it off!

– It’s turned on again!

– I’m going to check it myself now! Here it is empty, so it’s here, and there, but here one can easily see some kind of crap lying in a nook!

– Let me look at it, sir!

– We are already looking, Hans, moreover, we are already seeing.

– But what is it?

– Some kind of crap, Hans, I can’t define it more precisely yet… Moreover, this is the crappiest crap I’ve ever seen! I don’t like this crap at all, Hans, and we will not ever attempt to save this crap from its desperate loneliness, because we will be the next in line for the rescue mission! It would be more rewarding to save the whole of humanity at once, Hans, rather than some incomprehensible crap! Signal to the base: the Ursa Major ship was found; they were sending a signal of disaster. Some holy crap was found during inspection… Wipe out the latter and put “an unknown hiding object that is not in the catalog of objects that we are aware of”. Check it up just in case… “Most of all it reminds us”… What does it remind you of, Hans?

– Fishtail, sir?

– What kind of fish is that, Hans? It looks more like a squid… You’re a biologist by specialization, are you not?

– Cephalopod, definitely, sir! But how can it survive without water?

– It has sent a signal of distress for a reason, Hans!

– Maybe it’s giant Gryllotalpidae, sir? A mole cricket?

– An insect?

– Well, yes, that is, well, yes, sir!

– Possibly-maybe! In my opinion, with no signs of life, Hans! Or it may be hiding in the ambush to hunt for the rescuers.

– I totally agree with you, sir! Should we bang it? Just in case?

– Why bother? What if it appears to be a “professor in paleontology” or something, even if it has got into distress and chewed on a couple of crew members, it’s not for you and me to judge… They may have an experiment of a kind. Send a signal to the base now – let them rack their brains over it!

– Or is it still better to destroy it, sir?

– Don’t try to be a hero! What if it scatters around with some bloody spores… shitty spores that is? Let them destroy it if need be, that’s their business, and our business is to fly on, Hans, and do it quickly! Who knows what’s on its mind and where it is now? We might only be watching its projection, while the thing itself is hiding! Freeze our transfer device to keep it on the safe side… And sent an invitation to the Ursa for a virtual meeting with their crew and a permission to get onboard with a rescue mission if needed…

– But you’ve just said we were not going there, sir!

– That’s right, Hans! But that creature on Ursa doesn’t know this yet. Full steam ahead, and as far away from here as possible!