Whenever therefore you happen to be in Company with a pretty Girl over a Bottle, pray heartily to Bacchus, and invoke his nocturnal Rites, that the Wine may not get into your Head. You may now take an Opportunity to toast some Nymph by a fictitious Name, of whom you may say an hundred amorous Things; all which, with the least Assistance, she will readily apply to herself. Double Entendres likewise may be used. You may moreover draw certain Figures in Wine on the Table; and after having spoken of your Mistress in the third Person, you may take this Method of writing her Name, and convincing her, that she herself is the Goddess.
But let your gloating Eyes inform her of your Passion: for an expressive Countenance often finds both Words and Utterance.
When she drinks, receive the Cup from her; and let her see you industrious to find out the Place before pressed by her Lips; and then drink eagerly at the same.
And whatever Part of the Meat she shall touch with her Fingers, do not fail to give the Preference to that: if in catching at it, you touch her Hand into the Bargain, it is the better.
But above all Things, let it be your Endeavour to please her Keeper, if she have any: For to make a Friend of him will be very useful to you both.
When you are at Table, let him be always helped first, and to the most elegant Tid-Bit; and when you drink together, offer him always the Place of Toast-maker; whether he be your Inferiour or your Equal, let him always choose before you, and be not ashamed to trowel him well over with Flattery.
It is a safe and common Way to deceive under Pretence of Friendship; I must own, however safe and common it is, it is not altogether blameless.
This is indeed a Dishonesty not very unlike that of a Major Domo, who under the Colour of Friendship empties your Cellars of your Wine, by pushing the Bottle further than is necessary.
Now to fix a certain Stint to your Cups, I allow you never to drink till your Head becomes giddy, and your Feet begin to totter.
Beware of Quarrels, which are often occasioned by Wine. Let not your Hands be too ready to strike in your Cups.
Remember the old Story of the Wedding of Pyrothous49 and many more where drunken Fools by being quarrelsome in their Liquor have come short home. A Drinking Bout is in Reality a properer Scene for Joke and Mirth, than for Fighting.
I proceed to other Lessons50. If you have a Voice, then sing; if you have handsome Legs, cut Capers, or slide into the Minuet Step. In short, endeavour to please your Mistress, by exerting those Talents in which Nature hath given you to excel.
Now, as real Drunkenness may be hurtful to you, so you may sometimes reap Advantages by pretending yourself in Liquor, by Stammering or Lisping a little slyly: For then if you should descend to some Expressions of the grosser Kind, it will be imputed to your having taken a Cup too much.
Drink Bumpers to the Health of your Mistress, and of the Gentleman with whom she is obliged to sleep; but I do not insist on your being extremely sincere on this Occasion: for you may heartily wish him hanged at the same Time, if you please.
When the Company rises to go away, there is always a Confusion in the Room, of which you may take Advantage. You may then creep close up to your Mistress, may perhaps palm her, and gently tread on her Toes.
Whenever you have an Opportunity of speaking to her privately, be not bashful like a Country Boobily Squire. Remember Fortune and Love both favour the Bold.
I do not intend to lay down any Rules for your Oratory on this Occasion. Do but begin boldly, and you will be Eloquent of course: Set this only before you, that you are to act the Part of a Lover, to talk of Wounds and Darts, and Dying and Despair, and all that, as Mr. Bayes says: For if you can once make her believe you are in Love, your Business is done. To create therefore this Faith in her, you must employ every Art of which you are Master.
Nor is this indeed so difficult a Task: For every Woman believes herself to be the Object of Love; be she never so ugly, she is still amiable in her own Eye.
Sometimes indeed no Deceit is in the End put on the Woman, for her pretended Lover becomes often a real one, and is the very Creature which he before personated.
And by the Way, young Ladies, let me tell you this is no small Encouragement to you, to countenance such Pretences; for if you manage well, you may often inspire a Man with Love in Earnest, while he is endeavouring to impose a fictitious Passion upon you.
But to return to my Scholars. Flatter with all your Might: for the Mind is taken as it were by Stealth, by Flattery, even as the Bank which hangs over a River is undermined by the liquid Waves.
Never be weary therefore of commending her Face, or her Hair; her taper Arm, or her pretty little Foot.
The chastest Matrons are fond of hearing the Praises of their Beauty; and the purest Virgins make the Charms of their Persons at once their Business and their Pleasure.
What else is meant by that ancient Fable of Juno and Pallas, whom the Greek Poets represent as yet ashamed of the Conquest obtained by Venus.
This Vanity seems to extend itself to Animals, in many of which we may observe some Traces of it.
The peacock, if you seem to admire her, spreads forth her Golden Plumes, which she never displays to an indifferent Spectator.
The Race-Horse, while he is running for a Plate, enjoys the Beauties of his well-combed Mane, and gracefully turned Neck.
Secondly, to Flattery, add Promises, and those not timorous nor sneaking ones. If a Girl insists upon a Promise of Marriage, give it her, and bind it by many Oaths[D]; for no Indictment lies for this sort of Perjury.
The Antients vented horrid Impieties on this Occasion, and introduced Jupiter shaking his Sides at the Perjuries of Lovers, and ordering the Winds to puff them away: Nay, he is said to have forsworn himself even by Styx to Juno: and therefore, say they, he encourages Men to follow his Example.
[Note D: This is the most exceptionable Passage in the whole Work. We have endeavoured to soften it as much as possible; but even as it now stands, we cannot help expressing Detestation of this Sentiment, which appears shocking even in a Heathen Writer.]
But though a Christian must not talk in this Manner, yet I believe it may be one of those Sins which the Church of Rome holds to be venial, or rather venal.
I would here by no Means be suspected of Infidelity or Profaneness. It is necessary there should be a God; and therefore we must believe there is; nay, we must worship him: For he doth not possess himself in that indolent State in which the Deities of Epicurus are depictured. If we live innocent Lives, we may depend on the Care of his Providence.
Restore faithfully whatever is deposited in your Hands: Be just in all your Contracts: Avoid all Kind of Fraud, and be not polluted with Blood. A wise Man will be a Rogue only among the Girls: For in all other Articles a Gentleman will be ashamed of breaking his Word.
And what is this more than deceiving the Deceivers? The Sex are for the greatest Part Impostors; let them therefore fall in the Snares which they have spread for others.
Perhaps you have never read the Justice of Busiris; when Egypt was burnt up Nine Years together for want of Rain, one Thrasius a Foreigner came to Court, and being introduced to the King by Clementius Cotterelius, he acquainted his Majesty, that Jupiter was to be propitiated by the Blood of a Stranger. The King Answered him, Then thou thyself shalt be the first Victim, and with thy foreign Blood shalt give Rain to Egypt.
To the same Purpose is the Story of Phalaris, who roasted the Limbs of Perillus in his own Bull: Thus making Proof of the Goodness of the Work by the Torments of the unhappy Maker.
Now there was great Justice in both these Examples; for nothing can be more equitable than that the Inventers of Cruelty should perish by their own Art.
To apply this to our present Purpose: As there is no Deceit or Perjury which Women will stick at putting in use against us, let them lament the Consequence of their own Examples.
Thirdly, Tears are of great Service. The Proverb tells you, Tears will move Adamant. If you can bring it about therefore, let your Mistress see your Cheeks a little blubbered upon Occasion.
If Tears should refuse to come (as they sometimes will) an Onion in your Handkerchief will be of great use.
Fourthly, Kisses. What Lover of any Sense doth not mix Kisses with his tender Expressions! Perhaps she will not give them easily: No Matter, take them without her Leave.
Perhaps she will scratch, and say you are rude: Notwithstanding her Scratches, she will be pleased with your getting the better.
Do this, however, in so gentle a Manner, that you may not hurt her tender Lips; nor let her complain of being scrubbed with your Beard.
Now when you have proceeded to Kisses, if you proceed no farther, you may well be called unworthy of what you have hitherto obtained. When you was at her Lips, how near was you to your Journey's End! If therefore you stop there, you rather deserve the Name of a bashful 'Squire than of a modest Man.
The Girls may call this perhaps Violence; but it is a Violence agreeable to them: For they are often desirous of being pleased against their Will: For a Woman taken without her Consent, notwithstanding her Frowns, is often well satisfied in her Heart, and your Impudence is taken as a Favour; whilst she who, when inclined to be ravished, hath retreated untouched, however she may affect to smile, is in reality out of Humour.
Ravishing is indeed out of Fashion in this Age; and therefore I am at a Loss for modern Examples; but antient Story abounds with them.
Miss51 Phoebe and her Sister were both ravished, and both were well pleased with the Men who ravished them.
Though the Story of Deidamia was formerly in all the Trojan News-Papers, yet my Reader may be pleased to see it better told.
Venus had now kept her Word to Paris, and given him the Beauty she had promised, not as a Bribe, but as a Gratification for his having made an Award in her Favour, in the famous Cause between Juno and others against Venus, in Trover for a Golden Apple; which was referred to him at the Assizes at Ida.
Paris, every one knows, no sooner had received Mrs. Helen, than he immediately carried her off to his Father's Court.
Upon this the Grecians entered into an Association; and several Noblemen raised Regiments at their own Expence, out of their Regard to the Public: For Cuckoldom was a public Cause, no one knowing whose Turn it would be next.
Lieutenant-General Achilles, who was to command a large Body of Grenadiers, which the Greeks call Myrmidons, did not behave handsomely on that Occasion, though he got off afterwards at a Court-Martial by pleading, that his Mother (who had a great deal in her own Power) had insisted on his acting the Part he did; for, I am ashamed to say, he dressed himself in Women's Clothes, and hid himself at the House of one Lycomedes, a Man of good Fortune in those parts.
Fie upon it, General, I am ashamed to see you sit quilting among the Girls; a Sword becomes your Hands much better than a Needle.
What can you mean by that Work-Basket in a Hand by which Count Hector is to fall? Do you carry that Basket with you to put his Head in?
For Shame then, cast away your Huswife, and all those effeminate Trinkets from a Fist able to wield Harry the Fifth's Sword.
It happened, that at the same Time when the General, at the House of 'Squire Lycomedes, performed this Feat, Miss Deidamia, one of the Maids of Honour, was visiting at the same Place. This young Lady soon discovered that the General was a Man; for indeed he got her Maidenhead.
He ravished her, that is the Truth on't; that a Gentleman ought to believe, in Favour of the Lady: But he may believe the Lady was willing enough to be ravished at the same Time.
When the General threw away his Needle, and grasped the Armour, (you must remember the Story, for it was in the Trojan Alamain) the young Lady began to change her Note, and to hope he would not forsake her so.
Ah! little Mia! is this the Violence you complained of? Is this the Ravisher you are afraid of? Why with that gentle Voice do you solicite the Author of your Dishonour to stay with you?
To come at once to the Moral of my Story; as they are ashamed to make the first Advances, so they are ready to suffer whatever a pushing Man can do unto them.
As for those pretty Master-Misses, the Adonis's of the Age, who confide in their own Charms, and desire to be courted by the Girls; believe me, they will stay long enough before they are asked the Question.
If you are a Man, make the first Overtures: Remember, it is the Man's Part to address the Fair; and it will be her's to be tenderly won.
Be bold then, and put the Question; she desires no more than to have the Question put; and sure you will not deny your own Wishes that Favour.
Jupiter himself went a courting to the Heroines of old: For I never heard of any Girl who courted him.
But if you find Madam gives herself any immoderate Airs at your Proposal, it will then be good to recede a little from your Undertaking, and to affect to sheer off: For many of them, according to the Poet,
Pursue what flies, and fly what doth pursue.
A short Absence will soon cure her Disdain.
It may be proper likewise to conceal your intentions a little at first, and make your first Advance under the Pretence of Platonic Friendship.
I have known many a Prude taken under these false Colours; and the Platonic Friend hath soon become a happy Lover.
And now as to your Complexion; for believe me, this is a Matter of some Consequence: Though I would not have you effeminate, yet I would have you delicate.
A fair Complexion in a Tar is scandalous, and looks more like a Borough Captain or one of those fresh-water Sailors, who have so much dishonoured our Navy. The Skin of a Seaman ought to be rough, and well battered with Winds and Waves.
Such likewise ought to be the Face of a Fox-hunter, who ought not to fear Rain or Easterly Winds: And the fame becomes the Soldier.
But let the Soldier of Venus look fair and delicate; nay, if your Complexion inclines to Paleness, so much the better; for this will be imputed by every young Girl to Love.
Young Orion52 with a pale Countenance wandered through the Groves, being sick with the Love of Lyrice: And the same Effect had the Love of Naïs upon the Countenance of Daphnis53; two Lovers very famous in Antiquity.
Leanness is another Token of a Lover; to obtain which, you need not take Physick; sitting up all Night; and writing Love-Letters, will bring this about.
Be sure to look as miserable as possible; so that every one who sees you, may cry, There goes a Lover.
And here shall I lament the Wickedness of Mankind, or only simply observe it to you? But in Reality all Friendship and Integrity are nothing more than Names.
Alas! It is dangerous to be too prodigal in the Praises of your Mistress, even to your Friend; for if he believes you, he becomes your Rival.
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